I know, I know!
"Mel, what are you doing writing oneshots when you could be telling us what the letter said in Midnight?!"
Well, I just couldn't help myself, alright?? XD Well, no worries, I hope to have the next chapter of Midnight up tomorrow. This was just because I needed a break.
Edward's point of view of "The End" with Mad World by Gary Jules.
Yeah. It's Stephenie Meyers, blah... blah... blah...
Read it and review it, puh-lease!
And, there's this really awesome story I've been reading by your vennela called "Endless Night". It's, like, before Twilight from Edward's POV. It's really great writing, and she totally gets the characters. You should go check it outt!
That'd be real cool, kay thanks.
Mad World
It was a very difficult conclusion to make. I could hardly make it, actually. But there was no doubt in my mind about what was right in this situation. Watching Bella sleep was exactly what I needed to help me make this wretched decision. Watching her dream, breath, live… it was obvious what I needed to do. I was keeping her from a real life and it was very selfish of me. It was wrong to keep her for my own. She didn't know what else was out there, and that was something she needed to see. It was very easy to see that this life I was forced to live was not for her. Jasper had proven that earlier. How could I be with her, love her, when she was in constant danger? How could she love me, truly, knowing that I could snap at any moment? She couldn't. She could not love me knowing what I was. She could not love me the same way I loved her. And, though it did not make my decision any easier, it made it more reasonable. I was tying her down and that was wrong. I sighed, realizing exactly what it was that I would have to do.
Gently, I woke her so that she could prepare for the school day. She seemed in a foul mood, though I could not blame her after what she'd endured the night before. She seemed almost grumpy and it was a near impossible feat to hold back the smile that threatened to break my face. I worked to keep my face secluded and kissed her forehead for what may very well be the last time. I slipped out her window without a word and quickly made my way home. I had to tell the rest of the family to leave; that we were doing Bella no good by staying. Alice would be disappointed, but it was for the best. At least, that's what I continued to tell myself.
"Carlisle," I muttered as soon as I opened the door. He was at my side in an instant.
What is wrong, Edward? Esme's thoughts flowed through the air in a concerned tone.
"We can't stay here."
Many confused thoughts flew through the air, now.
Leave? But what about Bella?
Why can't we stay here? Did he snap and kill the girl?
Edward, what are you saying? We can't leave Bella behind!
Oh, God, this is entirely my fault… what's wrong with me? Why can't I control myself better? If it weren't for me, this family would be so much better off…
Oh, no. I cannot let my son leave true happiness behind him. No, no, no, I've never seen him so elated as he's been these past few months. Leave Bella? Leave love? I can't allow it!
"Edward, why must we leave?" Carlisle questioned, true worry lining his face.
None of my family would let me go without a fight – well, except, perhaps, for Rosalie – if I told them the truth. I had to make something up – to think of something that would not call for questions.
"One of the humans suspects us."
Instant chaos. It was as if I'd spoken the magic words.
Suspects us?! But how? We've been so careful…Impossible! How could this happen? We've been here a mere three years…
Oh, no… maybe one of them saw us hunting…"Who? What do they think, Edward?" Carlisle was desperately attempting to keep his calm manner in the moment of crisis.
"Dr. Gerandy," I blurted – it was the first name I could think of that had any association with Carlisle. "He's questioning your age, Carlisle."
A moment of silence, and then, "Edward's right. We should go before any more suspicion's raised."
More mayhem. Out loud this time.
"Carlisle, we can't leave!"
"What about Bella, Carlisle?"
"Leave Forks? Oh, Carlisle…"
"Edward," Alice's voice was dripping with venom. "Bella's coming with us."
The thought drained me of my minor confidence. I shook my head, attempting to maintain that coolness that I'd come in with. "She must stay. For Charlie." The words almost didn't make it out. I couldn't believe what I was saying. Bella… was… staying. We… were… leaving. I took a deep breath, suppressing the distorting grief that was already starting to cripple me. Jasper looked at me curiously.
"Well Charlie will just have to make due without her!" Alice was fiercely persistent with her argument. "Bella's coming with us."
If only she knew how tempting that offer was! If only she knew how much I wished she could! But I was leaving for Bella. Lying for her. It was necessary.
"Bella must stay, Alice. Now, you should all go today. I… I want to stay behind for a few days. Just to explain to Bella…" The words were not true. I wanted to stay behind forever just to hold Bella, to be with her, to breathe in her scent day in and day out. I wanted to stay behind forever with Bella. But I couldn't. Wouldn't.
"Edward. Edward, this is going to kill her. It really will."
Sudden fear coursed through me. Bella would never… she wouldn't commit suicide. Never. That wasn't who she was. She couldn't care about me so much that it would become who she was. No. She would not kill herself.
But an obnoxious, nagging voice at the back of my mind – that sounded suspiciously like Alice – made me wonder if she would.
"She won't hurt herself."
Oh, really?
"She won't."
"Just take her with us, Edward! It would be better for everyone!"
"I can't Alice…"
Yes, you can!"I CAN'T!" I roared, finally giving in to the vicious side of me. Alice did not seem taken aback at all and she continued to glare at me, attacking me with her thoughts.
Why not?"Because, Alice. She deserves more than what I can give her. She deserves to have children, become a mother, a grandmother, even! I can't give her that! And I never will be able to… but she deserves it…"
"She won't move on."
"Yes, she will."
"She won't."
I was done arguing with Alice. I didn't know how much more of this I could stand. She wasn't the one who had to leave the love of her life. She couldn't know what was going to happen – well, she could… but that would have to stop, too.
Make sure Charlie can find her when you're finished ripping apart her heart.
"Stop looking for her, Alice. We've interfered enough as it is."
Alice scowled at me once more before turning on her heel and marching up the stairs.
"I'm going to go to school…" I mumbled.
"We won't be here when you return. We'll be in Denali. Meet us there when you're finished here…"
I nodded once and turned, slamming the door behind me to meet Bella at school.
All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere.
I don't remember much of the next few days, except that they were exceptionally blurry. All I could focus on was the fact that I was soon leaving Bella. And I continually had to talk myself into it. I wished I'd paid better attention, those last few days I had with her because maybe then I'd have something more to remember her by. But they sped by like the scenery outside my car window, blurring together and jumbling in my vision.
The day had come. I could not put this off any longer. At the end of school, I asked the question.
"Do you mind if I come over today?" The words felt heavy on my tongue – like it was numb, incoherent. Bella seemed to understand, though some part of me wished she hadn't.
"Of course not."
"Now?" Say no, I prayed. Just say no…
"Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renée in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."
I calculated the thickness of the envelope, figuring that the pictures that Bella had taken of me were in there. I couldn't let her mother have them, because if her mother had them, then one day she could show them to Bella, and then Bella would be reminded of my existence. That was not what I wanted.
Instinctively, I grabbed the envelope. "I'll do it," I hated that I was about to do this. "And I'll still beat you there." I tried to smile, but it seemed forced – even to me.
"Okay." Her expression was not forced, nor was it cheerful. Utter sadness drowned Bella's beautiful features, and I wanted to do myself harm for making her grieve.
As planned, I took the pictures out of the envelope that would reveal me to Renée. Vaguely, I flipped through the three there were of me, coming to a rest on the one we'd taken together. The pain that I felt at looking at her beautiful face was… excruciating. How could I leave that? Leave her? She was all I'd ever wanted, and now I had her I was turning away from her. I gazed once more upon her perfect face before pocketing the picture. I resealed the envelope, then, and sped to Chief Swan's house.
I parked in the driveway and quickly went inside to scribble a note about where Bella would be. If Bella reacted as badly as Alice had warned me she would, I wanted to make sure that Chief Swan knew to look in the woods. After I had successfully forged Bella's hand on a piece of paper, I ascended the stairs to her room to retrieve anything that would remind her of me – the pictures she'd taken, the CD I'd made her, and the tickets to Jacksonville that Esme and Carlisle had bought. When I'd taken the pictures out of the photo album, however, I noticed that the one of the two of us had been folded over so that I was the only one able to be seen. This confused me. Why would Bella fold herself out of the picture? My thoughts dwelt on the matter for only seconds before I snapped back to attention. I held the items in my hands, deliberating on whether or not I really should take them away – leave her with nothing to remember me by. The thought was painful, dramatically so. But also, necessary. I wanted to provide Bella with the easiest break-up possible.
I hid the gifts and photographs under her floorboards.
A pathetic feat, on my part, but somehow, it was reassuring. I would be here in spirit, even if she didn't know it.
I went back out to my car to wait for Bella to arrive.
The tears are filling up their glasses no expression, no expression
Hang my head I wanna drown my sorrow no tomorrow, no tomorrow
During the excruciatingly long two minutes I waited for Bella to arrive, I had to convince myself, again, that this was the right thing to do. I heard her truck arriving, and I tried to compose myself a little better. Her truck pulled up behind me and I got out of the Volvo, preparing for the worst conversation of my life.
Bella exited the truck, taking her bag with her. Swallowing the last of my emotion, I took her bag and put it back in the truck. She wouldn't be needing it…
"Come for a walk with me," I insisted, grabbing her hand in mine. I almost wished I hadn't – the warmth of her small hand made my heart break even more, knowing that this was the last time I would be able to touch her as my own. Bella seemed hesitant. She knew something was happening – something was wrong. I wanted to take her in my arms and reassure her that everything was fine, but it would have been a blatant lie. Nothing was fine. Nothing would ever be fine again. I didn't know how in the world I was going to do this without breaking myself.
I led Bella towards the wooded area around her house, careful not to take her too far in. Even a human would still be able to see the house, so she could return to it without an issue.
"Okay, let's talk." Her words were forceful yet fearful. As if she were expecting the worst. Oh, how right she was.
Taking one last whiff of her scent, I pushed the emotion into my feet, allowing my face to become even more statue-like. "Bella, we're leaving."
Instead of breaking down, Bella merely took a deep breath. "Why now? Another year-"
She didn't understand. She thought she was coming with us. Pushing the regret, sorrow, and remorse that was trying to rise up in my throat like bile back down into my shoes I tried to clarify things. "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
I watched the gears start to work in her mind. Oh, how I'd miss that cherished flicker of intuition that spread across her face when she was about to figure something out! I tried to fuse it to my memory so that I would never forget… I wanted to die for being the reason her face distorted itself in pain.
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad,
That the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.
Mad world.
"When you say we-," she got it.
"I mean my family and myself." My words were agonizingly slow and I pronounced them very carefully, making sure there could be no more heart breaking confusion.
Bella shook her head, as if she was trying to shake out what I'd just said. If only it could be shaken away so easily. If only… but no. It couldn't. And I had to stay strong. For Bella.
"Okay," she finally spoke. "I'll come with you."
So willing to uproot her life for me. How could she be so willing for me? It only reminded me of why I was here. "You can't, Bella. Where we're going… it's not the right place for you." Bella didn't belong with us. Anywhere we were was not the right place for her.
She, however, seemed to disagree. "Where you are is the right place for me."
How could she be so sure – so persistent, so stubborn? I could kill her, instantly with little to no effort. And then I would have to live with myself for the rest of eternity knowing what I'd done. "I'm no good for you, Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."
I hoped she was lying, because it would be a very bleak life if I was the best part of it.
"My world is not for you."
"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
Her words were becoming frantic, wild with fear. Just the memory of that night was scaring her. "You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you."
"No!" The Bella that was leaking through now was completely different than the one I had grown to love. She was scared, though I could not comprehend why. Any other human would not be scared that the monsters were leaving, rather relieved. I was no longer forcing her into my life; therefore she should be liberated – thankful beyond relief. She was growing more and more frantic with ever passing moment, instead.
"This is about my soul, isn't it?" I tried not to let the surprise I felt show on my face. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already!"
She couldn't mean that! She couldn't! How could she be so willing to give up all that I'd ever actually wanted? How could she be so sure that that was what she would want? The thought of her stone cold, sucking blood for life… it made me sick. I very nearly snapped at her. She didn't know what she was talking about. But before I could let any of this unseen emotion make itself known on my face, I took a deep breath, looking away from her face – an impractical accomplishment. I looked at the ground for as long as I needed to, to compose my face again and looked up, working to look completely detached.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." The words were naught but lies. Had the "don't" kept itself out of the painstaking phrase, maybe then it could be considered a truth.
The breath seemed to whoosh out of her in one, beautiful, fluid motion. "You… don't… want me?"
"No." How it was possible for me to get that single syllable out was unbeknown to me.
Children waiting for the day they feel good, happy birthday, happy birthday.
And I feel the way that every child should, sit and listen, sit and listen.
And suddenly a feeling of almost warmth was spreading through me, tingling my fingertips, as Bella brought her eyes to mine. Those soft, brown eyes. Dark, wise, knowing. I wanted to look into those eyes forever.
"Well, that changes things."
It was as if there was a black hole sucking my heart into it. I could almost feel the terror at the calmness of her words. She was so ready to let go? How could that one word of "don't" change everything so quickly? It was one word! Two if you counted the conjunction. Even then, it was only the negative "not" that changed the entire meaning of the phrase. I couldn't let her give up so quickly, but at the same time… I had to.
I looked away from her warm eyes as I spoke again, sure that if I continued to look at her that my carefully composed façade would fade. "Of course, I'll always love you…" Always. "In a way. But what happened the other night made me realized that it's time for a change. Because I'm…" could I say it? Could I tell the biggest lie of them all? Apparently I could, because the words that next escaped my mouth was the lie that I had been avoiding up till this point. "tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I chanced another glance at her, and her perfect face was blank. Oh, how I wished I could hear her thoughts! "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
The grimace that next distorted her features was not the playful one she sometimes used, but a crippling one of utter misery. "Don't," she whispered. "Don't do this."
And now, the biggest lie of them all. The master of all the falsities I'd projected today. "You're not good for me, Bella."
For the longest time, all I could hear was the wind rustling through the trees, and the stuttering of Bella's heart.
"If… that's what you want."
Never, I thought as I nodded. That is never what I could want. How could you believe that? After all the things I've told you, how could you believe so quickly?
Remembering Alice's warning, I changed track quickly. "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." A faint flicker of hope dawned her face as she looked into my eyes – had I let some emotion slip through? Had I let her see that I truly do care? That would ruin everything. I composed myself, but lost it again when she promised so willingly:
"Anything."
I could feel the intensity of my eyes as I willed her to listen. I knew I'd let the feelings I'd worked so hard to hide behind closed doors break through the dam, but I didn't care. It was important that she promised me this.
Went to school and I was very nervous. No one knew me, no one knew me.
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson? Look right through me, look right through me.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She bobbed her head up and down a couple of times, almost unwillingly.
I reined the passion back in at once. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him." And me.
Again, Bella nodded her head and whispered, "I will."
And now the worst was over. The rest of this would be smooth sailing – well, as smooth as leaving the love of your life can get.
"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." Because if we didn't live in a world where mythical creatures were true, I wouldn't have existed. Although the promise would hurt to keep, I would keep it. I owed her that much.
Bella began to tremble. I wanted to reach out, to steady her on her wobbling feet, but I resisted. "Don't worry," I smiled slightly, trying to reassure her in a different way. "You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." I wished it weren't true. I wished that Bella would be able to remember me as vividly as I would be able to remember her.
"And your memories?"
"Well-" What about my memories? I would never be able to forget these pas few months, and I would never be able to forget that face. What excuse could I give her? "-I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." I tried smiling again. I could feel the forcedness of it, though. The lies I was feeding her today would come back to bite me. If only they were all truths. Maybe then this could be a little easier… But the truth was – I could never not want Bella. For as long as I would exist, I would never forget how much I loved her. But, when Bella was gone… I would follow her. It wouldn't be long after that that I followed her into the darkness that was death.
The time had come. I had to leave, now, or I wouldn't be able to at all. "That's everything, I suppose," it most certainly was not everything – Bella was everything. "We won't bother you again."
Bella's eyes flickered again. "Alice isn't coming back." Her words were so soft they were almost lost in the sounds of the surrounding nature.
What more! I was ripping away her best friend! Lord knows that she could use Alice around, especially since the only other choices were people like Jessica Stanley – superficial, annoying, and power-hungry.
"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye." I took a moment to take some more mental photographs of that girl's beautiful face…
"Alice is gone?"
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."
I watched, again, as the gears shifted in her brain and she tried to comprehend what I was saying. A clean break. It's what the doctor had told her had happened to her leg last year. It would heal more quickly. Or, so I hoped.
"Goodbye, Bella."
"Wait!" Her voice was strangled, and she reached towards me.
It pained me to touch her again – only to be leaving her so shortly afterwards – but I reached forward and took her by her wrists, forcing her arms to stay by her sides. Stop reaching for me – it only makes it harder. I couldn't help it – I leaned down and kissed her forehead for the last time.
"Take care of yourself."
And I left while she still had her eyes closed, starting my car, and pulling out into the quiet street.
And I find it kind of funny; I find it kind of sad,
That the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.
The rain pattered against my windshield, and I looked out onto the shining, wet street. I tried hard to maintain my concentration as the sobs wracked into my body, again and again, nearly breaking me. I could feel, in the marrow of my bones, that the hard times were only starting.
Mad world.