Disclaimer: not mine (song at the end is Eva Cassidy's I know you by heart)
Feedback: appreciated
Note: I don't really know where this came from, what can I say really sometimes things just come to you! I was going to put this as angst but it's not angsty, it's just sad.
Summary: I can't think of a summary, this is just sad I think
I know you by heart
Tom Paris stepped quietly out of the room, his eyes looked bloodshot and red-rimmed, his hair was a mess as though he had been running his hands through it. He smiled weakly at Chakotay.
"Still hasn't lost her sense of humour has she," Tom's eyes were full of sadness and sympathy. Chakotay shook his head.
"I don't think anything could dislodge that." Chakotay had aged ten years in the last week, he was already an old man and the added stress was playing on him. Tom had somehow escaped the ageing process, his face was still as boyish as ever with deep laughter lines, the only evidence of his increasing age were flecks of grey in his still light hair.
"I think B'ellana's going to come over later, she might bring Mia." Chakotay smiled gratefully.
"She would like that, she adores her goddaughter." Mia was 15 now, Tom and B'ellana's third child, their other two sons were grown up now. "Tuvok was here earlier, he's very good for her, he calms her down."
"He's the only one who can," Tom chuckled slightly, "I wonder if you will see Harry and Seven, he's really taken everything to heart." Chakotay nodded sadly.
"I don't think there's anything we can do aside letting him deal with his grief his own way, Seven will help him, they're very good for each other. It's Naomi I'm worried about. She's never really dealt with the death of a close friend before."
"Naomi's strong, I think in time she will be ok, in a way I think it's a good job Neelix didn't live to see this day." Tom admitted, Chakotay nodded in agreement.
"This would've destroyed him, he always adored her." The two friends stood side by side in mutual silence. Tom and Chakotay had grown close over the past few years, their days of squabbling behind them. "I'd better go in," Chakotay said after a while. Tom nodded and put a comforting hand on his arm. "Good luck old man." He said and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Then he walked off, a slight limp the only betrayal of his old wilder days.
Chakotay stood outside the door for a long time before working up the courage to go in. The room was filled with sunlight that hit the crystals hung by the window and sent rainbows scattering around the room. Kathryn turned her head as Chakotay walked towards her and her face broke into a soft smile.
"Chakotay," She said warmly, Chakotay still thought she looked beautiful, even after all these years. Her face was criss-crossed with small lines, punishment from the old days of her working too hard but her skin was still soft and warm. Her long auburn hair that had only slightly faded over time cascaded over her shoulders with streaks of grey.
"Hello my love," Chakotay sat down on the bed and lifted her small hand to his lips, she laughed at him.
"Am I still really your love? Even after all these years?" She asked.
"If anything I love you more." Chakotay squeezed her hand tightly as if he could never let go. Kathryn smiled up at him, her eyes lit up by love. Her eyes were the one thing that had never been effected by age, they were still bright and shone with happiness, but lately they had seemed wearier, more resigned an indication of the old age and disease that was destroying her, inside.
"Tom was telling me all about the new modifications he was making to the shuttles, did you know he thinks he could get them up to warp 5?" Chakotay laughed quietly.
"Only Tom, you'd think turning 60 would slow you down." Kathryn shook her head.
"Knowing Tom he's more than likely to try and fit warp engines onto his walking stick." Chakotay smiled and nodded, then he suddenly pressed Kathryn's hand harder to his face.
"Oh god Kathryn, why do you have to leave me?" His hot tears suddenly spilt onto her hand. She brought the other one up to his face.
"Chakotay you mustn't be sad, I've had a good long life, this is my time." Kathryn spoke the words of comfort as the dreadful truth hit blows to her. She had excepted the fact she was not long for this world, she wasn't afraid of dying. But she was afraid of leaving behind the people she loved.
Chakotay shook his head violently, "It shouldn't be your time, your life has been cut short."
"Chakotay I'm 70 years old, that's a good age, you heard the doctor, there is nothing that can be done to cure me anymore that wouldn't result in me dying anyway." Kathryn tried desperately to reassure him, her blue eyes started brimming with unshed tears, Chakotay saw them and calmed himself.
"You're right, you're always right. It just feels so unfair." Kathryn smiled gratefully as he controlled his grief, she lay her head back on her pillow and studied him. For an old man he was still surprisingly good looking, his grey hair and lines had only given him an added touch of sophistication.
"I've had a good life haven't I Chakotay? I mean I couldn't say I did nothing with my life." Kathryn asked worriedly. Chakotay hastened to reassure her.
"You've done the best with your life that you possibly could, you united a ship load of strangers, you've protected us and seen us through danger when it seemed all was lost, you found us a home." Chakotay bent down and kissed her forehead, "And you've made me so happy."
"But I never got us back to Earth did I, instead I copped out and went for the easy option." She fretted, "I promised to get everyone back to Earth, I promised!" Chakotay quickly put a calming hand on her fevered brow.
"You didn't promise to get us back to Earth Kathryn, you promised to get us home and you have given us the best home imaginable." Chakotay thought about the small planet they had decided to occupy just 12 years ago, it had been obvious they were never going to get back to Earth but he had always known Kathryn had been bothered by it.
"I'm starting to forget Earth Chakotay," Kathryn admitted quietly, "I'm starting to forget what it's like, I can't even remember what my house looked like."
"That's because you have a new home now Kathryn, this is your home, with me." Chakotay swallowed to try and get rid of the lump in his throat. Kathryn smiled gently.
"Yes, with you, we've always been a good team haven't we." She turned her eyes up to her husband and traced his face softly with one finger, Chakotay brushed a piece of hair off of her face.
"Twenty five years marriage," He said quietly, "Once upon a time that was just a dream for me." Kathryn sighed.
"I remember a time when I thought I would never find happiness, I thought I would always be lonely. Until I finally let my eyes see what my heart had been telling me all along."
"I've always loved you Kathryn, ever since I first set eyes on you." Chakotay shifted on the bed until he was closer to her, "We're soul mates, nothing can part us, not even death." The last sentence hung heavy in the air. Kathryn gripped his hand tightly in her own and pulled herself up until she was sitting facing him, her skinny body seeming lost in the folds of her night-gown.
"Chakotay, I want you to be happy after I'm gone," Kathryn told him sincerely, "You've got to move on," Chakotay sighed.
"I don't know if I can, you're everything to me." Kathryn gave him a stern look.
"Dammit Chakotay, if I say you're going to be happy you're going to be happy. You've got too promise me that."
"I promise," Chakotay said quietly, Kathryn smiled weakly.
"Good, now I'm tired, why don't you go be useful somewhere and let me get some rest." Chakotay nodded and crept quietly out of the room. When he got out he sank into a chair and buried his head in his hands. His body shook with silent sobs, how had everything come to this?
#Midnight's in winter,
The glowing fire,
Lights up your face in orange and gold#
They had been so happy, she had been so full of life. He didn't know how he could live without her. They had spent nearly every day of their lives together for thirty odd years, she had always been there, how the hell could he breathe without her.
#I see your sweet smile,
Shine through the darkness,
It's line is etched in my memory#
Chakotay opened the door quietly, he could see Kathryn's small body in the middle of the swamping blankets, her breathing was slow and raspy. He suddenly felt a sharp pain and tightness in his chest.
#So I'd know you by heart.#
They came so quickly Chakotay was sure they had been waiting, maybe they were more ready for this day than he was. Their faces grey they all stood outside the door, united again. Their lives so different than when they first met, a gathering of parents and even grand parents that once a long time ago dreamt about getting back to a planet that was now faded from their minds, they were home.
#Mornings in April,
Sharing our secrets,
We'd walk until the morning was gone.#
They all silently traipsed into the room. Chakotay, B'ellana, Tom, Harry, Tuvok, Seven and the Doctor, who had the new technology to go wherever he chose. They gathered around the bed, ready to say their goodbyes.
#We were like children,
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me
Lives on and on.#
They all gazed down at the small form. Kathryn smiled weakly up at them. Chakotay stepped back as the old friends all stood hand in hand. Their words were simple and full of love, Kathryn loved them all, they had been the best friends she could ever imagine. They all loved her, they could never have got through the years without her. Before they left they all one by one kissed her, even Tuvok.
#Cause I know you by heart.#
Chakotay didn't look up as they left him alone with his wife. When they got out of the door they all collapsed into the grief they had held back. Harry sank down to the ground, one hand hiding the tears. B'ellana and Tom held each other tightly, Tuvok stood rigidly still, unable to move or think. The doctor comforted Seven who still had trouble expressing emotions like grief and sadness.
#I still hear your voice,
On warm summer nights,
Whispering like the wind,#
Chakotay walked over to Kathryn, she looked so small and frail, beaten at last by her own body. She looked tired but still attempted to hold his hand and squeeze it.
"I love you so much Kathryn." Chakotay made no attempt to hide his tears. Kathryn was struggling for breath.
"Hold me Chakotay, here on the bed." Her voice was barely above a whisper. Chakotay got up and lay next to her, his arms encircling her protectively.
#You left in autumn,
The leaves were turning,
I walked down roads of orange and gold.#
"I love you Chakotay," Kathryn murmured, Chakotay buried his face in her hair, wetting it with his tears.
#Isaw your sweet smile,
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me
Every day.#
Afterwards he couldn't remember how long they were intertwined together. He listened to her breathing.
"Talk to me Chakotay." Kathryn whispered. Chakotay talked, he talked about Voyager, he talked about new Earth, he talked about how much he loved her.
#Cause I know you by heart.#
"I love you so much." Chakotay whispered, he felt her chest give one last heave, then it was still.
#Cause I know you by heart#
end
Feedback: appreciated
Note: I don't really know where this came from, what can I say really sometimes things just come to you! I was going to put this as angst but it's not angsty, it's just sad.
Summary: I can't think of a summary, this is just sad I think
I know you by heart
Tom Paris stepped quietly out of the room, his eyes looked bloodshot and red-rimmed, his hair was a mess as though he had been running his hands through it. He smiled weakly at Chakotay.
"Still hasn't lost her sense of humour has she," Tom's eyes were full of sadness and sympathy. Chakotay shook his head.
"I don't think anything could dislodge that." Chakotay had aged ten years in the last week, he was already an old man and the added stress was playing on him. Tom had somehow escaped the ageing process, his face was still as boyish as ever with deep laughter lines, the only evidence of his increasing age were flecks of grey in his still light hair.
"I think B'ellana's going to come over later, she might bring Mia." Chakotay smiled gratefully.
"She would like that, she adores her goddaughter." Mia was 15 now, Tom and B'ellana's third child, their other two sons were grown up now. "Tuvok was here earlier, he's very good for her, he calms her down."
"He's the only one who can," Tom chuckled slightly, "I wonder if you will see Harry and Seven, he's really taken everything to heart." Chakotay nodded sadly.
"I don't think there's anything we can do aside letting him deal with his grief his own way, Seven will help him, they're very good for each other. It's Naomi I'm worried about. She's never really dealt with the death of a close friend before."
"Naomi's strong, I think in time she will be ok, in a way I think it's a good job Neelix didn't live to see this day." Tom admitted, Chakotay nodded in agreement.
"This would've destroyed him, he always adored her." The two friends stood side by side in mutual silence. Tom and Chakotay had grown close over the past few years, their days of squabbling behind them. "I'd better go in," Chakotay said after a while. Tom nodded and put a comforting hand on his arm. "Good luck old man." He said and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Then he walked off, a slight limp the only betrayal of his old wilder days.
Chakotay stood outside the door for a long time before working up the courage to go in. The room was filled with sunlight that hit the crystals hung by the window and sent rainbows scattering around the room. Kathryn turned her head as Chakotay walked towards her and her face broke into a soft smile.
"Chakotay," She said warmly, Chakotay still thought she looked beautiful, even after all these years. Her face was criss-crossed with small lines, punishment from the old days of her working too hard but her skin was still soft and warm. Her long auburn hair that had only slightly faded over time cascaded over her shoulders with streaks of grey.
"Hello my love," Chakotay sat down on the bed and lifted her small hand to his lips, she laughed at him.
"Am I still really your love? Even after all these years?" She asked.
"If anything I love you more." Chakotay squeezed her hand tightly as if he could never let go. Kathryn smiled up at him, her eyes lit up by love. Her eyes were the one thing that had never been effected by age, they were still bright and shone with happiness, but lately they had seemed wearier, more resigned an indication of the old age and disease that was destroying her, inside.
"Tom was telling me all about the new modifications he was making to the shuttles, did you know he thinks he could get them up to warp 5?" Chakotay laughed quietly.
"Only Tom, you'd think turning 60 would slow you down." Kathryn shook her head.
"Knowing Tom he's more than likely to try and fit warp engines onto his walking stick." Chakotay smiled and nodded, then he suddenly pressed Kathryn's hand harder to his face.
"Oh god Kathryn, why do you have to leave me?" His hot tears suddenly spilt onto her hand. She brought the other one up to his face.
"Chakotay you mustn't be sad, I've had a good long life, this is my time." Kathryn spoke the words of comfort as the dreadful truth hit blows to her. She had excepted the fact she was not long for this world, she wasn't afraid of dying. But she was afraid of leaving behind the people she loved.
Chakotay shook his head violently, "It shouldn't be your time, your life has been cut short."
"Chakotay I'm 70 years old, that's a good age, you heard the doctor, there is nothing that can be done to cure me anymore that wouldn't result in me dying anyway." Kathryn tried desperately to reassure him, her blue eyes started brimming with unshed tears, Chakotay saw them and calmed himself.
"You're right, you're always right. It just feels so unfair." Kathryn smiled gratefully as he controlled his grief, she lay her head back on her pillow and studied him. For an old man he was still surprisingly good looking, his grey hair and lines had only given him an added touch of sophistication.
"I've had a good life haven't I Chakotay? I mean I couldn't say I did nothing with my life." Kathryn asked worriedly. Chakotay hastened to reassure her.
"You've done the best with your life that you possibly could, you united a ship load of strangers, you've protected us and seen us through danger when it seemed all was lost, you found us a home." Chakotay bent down and kissed her forehead, "And you've made me so happy."
"But I never got us back to Earth did I, instead I copped out and went for the easy option." She fretted, "I promised to get everyone back to Earth, I promised!" Chakotay quickly put a calming hand on her fevered brow.
"You didn't promise to get us back to Earth Kathryn, you promised to get us home and you have given us the best home imaginable." Chakotay thought about the small planet they had decided to occupy just 12 years ago, it had been obvious they were never going to get back to Earth but he had always known Kathryn had been bothered by it.
"I'm starting to forget Earth Chakotay," Kathryn admitted quietly, "I'm starting to forget what it's like, I can't even remember what my house looked like."
"That's because you have a new home now Kathryn, this is your home, with me." Chakotay swallowed to try and get rid of the lump in his throat. Kathryn smiled gently.
"Yes, with you, we've always been a good team haven't we." She turned her eyes up to her husband and traced his face softly with one finger, Chakotay brushed a piece of hair off of her face.
"Twenty five years marriage," He said quietly, "Once upon a time that was just a dream for me." Kathryn sighed.
"I remember a time when I thought I would never find happiness, I thought I would always be lonely. Until I finally let my eyes see what my heart had been telling me all along."
"I've always loved you Kathryn, ever since I first set eyes on you." Chakotay shifted on the bed until he was closer to her, "We're soul mates, nothing can part us, not even death." The last sentence hung heavy in the air. Kathryn gripped his hand tightly in her own and pulled herself up until she was sitting facing him, her skinny body seeming lost in the folds of her night-gown.
"Chakotay, I want you to be happy after I'm gone," Kathryn told him sincerely, "You've got to move on," Chakotay sighed.
"I don't know if I can, you're everything to me." Kathryn gave him a stern look.
"Dammit Chakotay, if I say you're going to be happy you're going to be happy. You've got too promise me that."
"I promise," Chakotay said quietly, Kathryn smiled weakly.
"Good, now I'm tired, why don't you go be useful somewhere and let me get some rest." Chakotay nodded and crept quietly out of the room. When he got out he sank into a chair and buried his head in his hands. His body shook with silent sobs, how had everything come to this?
#Midnight's in winter,
The glowing fire,
Lights up your face in orange and gold#
They had been so happy, she had been so full of life. He didn't know how he could live without her. They had spent nearly every day of their lives together for thirty odd years, she had always been there, how the hell could he breathe without her.
#I see your sweet smile,
Shine through the darkness,
It's line is etched in my memory#
Chakotay opened the door quietly, he could see Kathryn's small body in the middle of the swamping blankets, her breathing was slow and raspy. He suddenly felt a sharp pain and tightness in his chest.
#So I'd know you by heart.#
They came so quickly Chakotay was sure they had been waiting, maybe they were more ready for this day than he was. Their faces grey they all stood outside the door, united again. Their lives so different than when they first met, a gathering of parents and even grand parents that once a long time ago dreamt about getting back to a planet that was now faded from their minds, they were home.
#Mornings in April,
Sharing our secrets,
We'd walk until the morning was gone.#
They all silently traipsed into the room. Chakotay, B'ellana, Tom, Harry, Tuvok, Seven and the Doctor, who had the new technology to go wherever he chose. They gathered around the bed, ready to say their goodbyes.
#We were like children,
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me
Lives on and on.#
They all gazed down at the small form. Kathryn smiled weakly up at them. Chakotay stepped back as the old friends all stood hand in hand. Their words were simple and full of love, Kathryn loved them all, they had been the best friends she could ever imagine. They all loved her, they could never have got through the years without her. Before they left they all one by one kissed her, even Tuvok.
#Cause I know you by heart.#
Chakotay didn't look up as they left him alone with his wife. When they got out of the door they all collapsed into the grief they had held back. Harry sank down to the ground, one hand hiding the tears. B'ellana and Tom held each other tightly, Tuvok stood rigidly still, unable to move or think. The doctor comforted Seven who still had trouble expressing emotions like grief and sadness.
#I still hear your voice,
On warm summer nights,
Whispering like the wind,#
Chakotay walked over to Kathryn, she looked so small and frail, beaten at last by her own body. She looked tired but still attempted to hold his hand and squeeze it.
"I love you so much Kathryn." Chakotay made no attempt to hide his tears. Kathryn was struggling for breath.
"Hold me Chakotay, here on the bed." Her voice was barely above a whisper. Chakotay got up and lay next to her, his arms encircling her protectively.
#You left in autumn,
The leaves were turning,
I walked down roads of orange and gold.#
"I love you Chakotay," Kathryn murmured, Chakotay buried his face in her hair, wetting it with his tears.
#Isaw your sweet smile,
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me
Every day.#
Afterwards he couldn't remember how long they were intertwined together. He listened to her breathing.
"Talk to me Chakotay." Kathryn whispered. Chakotay talked, he talked about Voyager, he talked about new Earth, he talked about how much he loved her.
#Cause I know you by heart.#
"I love you so much." Chakotay whispered, he felt her chest give one last heave, then it was still.
#Cause I know you by heart#
end