A/N: Um… a lot of you have probably never heard this song before in your life. The only reason that I know it is because a man who lived in my state wrote this song. It's the only thing that Arlo Guthrie was REALLY famous for. It's an 18 minute long song but it is worth EVERY second. It's hilarious. It's also a traditional song to hear on the radio on Thanksgiving and because it's so long, it's basically the ONLY time you will hear it on the airwaves.
I don't really like the YouTube version that they have up but, it's better than nothing.
The reason why this story was written was because it was a DBCA Song Barding Challenge to celebrate our three-year anniversary as a site. Happy Birthday us! Anyways, as I have told several people before about this story, it is a crack!fic.
Enjoy the madness.
Alice's Restaurant
The Joker was hungry. The kind of hunger that is beyond saying, "I could eat a horse." The kind of hunger that is more like, "I could devour an elephant and a wildebeest while beating back lions" kind of hungry.
But the Joker was also lost. He was lost in a state that he had no idea how he had gotten there, never mind WHY he was there. The Joker took a look around. Off a little to his left was a road that looked like it was part of a highway. There was snow on the ground that looked fresh, no dirt from the newly plowed road had really gotten into the snow yet. A little further off, the Joker saw that there was a set of railroad tracks hidden under the snow. Wherever he was, if he followed the road, he'd eventually get to a town.
Muttering as he walked down the street, the Joker eventually came to a bar. The bar looked rather run down. It had a door that looked like it had been through several battles with several drunks (and won every time). Hoping that they had some kind of bar food at least for him to nibble on.
The Joker crashed through the door. The bar wasn't full of people but there was a small crowd considering that it looked like it was about noontime. There was a cloud of cigarette smoke that wafted towards the Joker. He relished the smell of tobacco that was filling his nostrils. Which must have been a sight for the bartender, looking up to see a man with great scars on his face hidden under white and red make-up, breathing deeply as he just stood there in the doorway. And the green hair, the purple jacket and pants probably didn't help either on the whole being subtle thing. Then again, the Joker was never really one to be subtle especially when his stomach was involved.
"Have you got any grub in this place?" he asked loudly as a hush started to fall across all the patrons in the bar.
"Sorry mista. The kitchen's closed on accounta it's Thanksgiving and all." The bartender said slowly.
The Joker felt his stomach clench even tighter and his blood started to boil, "Can someone tell me, where I can get SOMETHING to eat?" he asked through clenched teeth as his stomach let out a loud growl.
There was a man, sitting on a bar stool with a cowboy hat on. This greatly puzzled the Joker, since when does the south get snow? "Alice's Restaurant is open but she'll be at home in the church. It's just a half a mile from the railroad track. Yessir, you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant… except Alice."
"Half a mile, yeah right," the Joker muttered as he trudged up a hill that was leading to the town Stockbridge, Massachusetts. Now that he knew where the hell he was, he felt a little better. Even though, he still had no idea how he got there in the first place and why the heck he went anywhere for Thanksgiving, and why the hell there was a cowboy in the bar he just visited, he was glad he knew what state he was in.
Finally, the Joker managed to get over the hill. He saw a church and a little restaurant that was a little walk from the church. The Joker couldn't help but crack a real smile on his face at the sight of the church.
He walked up to the big oak doors and banged on the door, "Alice! I'm hungry! Make me something to eat!"
Eventually, Alice came to the door and stepped out of the church. She was in her 50s, her hair was in a tight bun that showed off her silver highlights in her black hair. Her brown eyes were starting to show her age, they had crow's feet from the many smiles that she had in her lifetime. There were also laugh-lines on her face. But at the moment there was no smile on her face and she certainly wasn't laughing. There was just confusion on her features as to who was knocking on her door. There was a slight pause as she eyed the man in make-up, "You want something to eat?" she asked quietly, not quite believing that's all he wanted.
"Yes," he gasped. He caught a glimpse of the inside of the church. It was filled with garbage bags and they all smelled terrible even from this distance.
The woman wasn't a fool, she eyed the purple jacket and pants and asked, "Do you even have money?"
The Joker was kind of surprised by the question, he hadn't even thought of that. He just figured that he would be able to just skip out on the tab by threatening her. But he checked his pockets, there was nothing, "No…" damn but he was hungry. Maybe he would just threaten her now.
She eyed the Joker again before saying slowly, "Tell you what, if you take my garbage to the city dump, I'll make you a proper Thanksgiving dinner."
The Joker's mouth started to water, he'd be a fool to turn down an offer like this. He agreed.
"Good, here's the key to the red VW microbus. The city dump is just down the street. I'd suggest using a shovel." Alice pulled a shovel from behind the door.
Good thing I didn't threaten her. The Joker thought. All he had was one knife that was about the size of a potato peeler. She had something that could knock him unconscious if she was strong or frightened enough. He kind of liked the fact that she was dangerous to him. He liked girls that would fight back.
It took the better part of an hour to get all the garbage into the bus. The Joker quickly realized that all the pews of the church had been taken out to make lots of room. Apparently, Alice had decided to use that space to put her garbage so she wouldn't have to go to the dump as often as other people.
After struggling with closing the back of the microbus the Joker got into the driver's seat and headed to the city dump.
"Closed on Thanksgiving."
Three little words was all it took for the Joker to scream. The little sign on the padlocked door made the Joker angrier than if Batman had just appeared and started beating him with a baseball bat.
The Joker went up to the padlocked door. He couldn't believe that the place was really locked for Thanksgiving. Who ever heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving? The Joker banged on the lock, cursed it, pulled it, jiggled it, jimmied it, spit on it, kicked it, and punched it. "I just want something to eat!" he screamed at the lock, "You stupid son of a bitch! I just want to get rid of this trash so I can eat!!"
When he finally realized that screaming at the lock was going to accomplish nothing. He got back into the microbus and drove off. He had only gone a little ways down the snow-covered road when he noticed something odd off of a cliff. There was a huge pile of garbage. The Joker thought out loud, "Well… seeing that there is already a pile of garbage there… they wouldn't mind if I just added onto it…" So, the Joker grabbed his card and dropped it over the cliff. It was a thank you to the person that had dumped the garbage before him. He then grabbed the shovel and got the garbage out of the microbus as quick as he could possibly chuck the stuff over the cliff.
As soon as the microbus was empty of garbage, the Joker sped off back to Alice's Restaurant.
As promised, Alice had made a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat. The Joker had never wanted to hug a person so badly in his life.
"What are you going to do now?" Alice asked as she placed another helping of mashed potatoes on the Joker's plate.
"I don' know," he said around a mouthful of food, "I don't really know how I got here."
"Plot hole most likely." Alice sat back in her chair and watched the Joker eat.
"A what? Is that like a pot hole?" the Joker asked.
Alice shook her head but didn't offer any other explanation, "Well, seeing that you don't know where you are going to. I suggest that you stay here for the night. There is a couch out by the fireplace. It's electric so you won't get cold in the middle of the night. There should be a blanket at the foot of the bed. I used to get a lot of travelers through here… but it's a changed world." Alice said cryptically as she slowly rose from her chair as if her bones ached with age.
The Joker silently went to the back of the church and sure enough there was a fireplace and a couch. Seeing as how the Joker was full from all the food that he had consumed he went to sleep quickly.
The next morning the Joker awoke to the shrill ring of a telephone. Alice answered it and came to the back of the church to hand the phone to the Joker, "It's for you." She said simply.
The Joker was puzzled, he hadn't gotten a phone call in years, "Hello?"
"This is Officer Obie. We came across a ton of garbage yesterday off the side of a cliff. The only thing that we found that wasn't in a trash bag was a card with a joker on it. After placing a few phone calls to people in Gotham City, we wanted to ask you if you knew anything about the pile of garbage."
The Joker stared at the phone like it was crazy, "Um… yeah, that's my card. I put that there yesterday."
Officer Obie asked the Joker to go to the police officers station. So, the Joker got into the VW microbus that still had a shovel in it and drove to the police station.
Now friends there was only one or two things that Obie could have done at the police station, and the first was that he could have given the Joker a medal for being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and he didn't expect it. The other thing was that he could have told him never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again, which is what was expected, but when he got to the police officer's station there was a third possibility that he hadn't even counted upon, and he was immediately arrested. Handcuffed and he said, "Officer Obie, I don't think I can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on."
He said, "Shut up, kid. Get in the back of the patrol car."
Officer Obie drove the Joker to the "scene of the crime." Now, let me tell you about Stockbridge, Massachusetts. There are only three stop signs, two police officers, and one police car. When they reached the "scene of the crime" there was five police officers, three police cars, and smelling dogs. They were using everything that they could get their hands on to prove that it was the Joker that had place all that garbage at the bottom of the cliff. Seeing as how this was the biggest crime in the last fifty years, everyone wanted to be involved so that they could have their fifteen minutes of fame in the paper.
When the car came to a stop at the crime scene, the Joker was lead out for a bit of fresh air and so that Officer Obie could question him at the "scene of the crime" so he could get everything straight for court the next day.
A young lady of about twenty ran up to the Joker. She had a smile on her face that challenged his drawn-on smile, "I can't believe it! The Joker… arrested… in my state!" She promptly tackle-hugged the Joker, "You are such a crazy bugger that is so freakin' awesome!!"
Officer Obie forcibly removed the young lady from the Joker, "Who are you?"
She gave him a steely glare before answering, "Miss Dusk."
"Do I know you?" the Joker asked.
"I would tell you how we met, but that would implicate me and bad things." Miss Dusk said before being carted off to the other side of the yellow tape.
After the ordeal, Officer Obie went over to another officer and was handed 27, 8 by 10, color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was. He thanked the officer and then escorted the Joker back to the police station to be put in an interrogation room.
The Joker was asked to hand over his wallet and his belt. At this the Joker said, "I can understand the wallet, but what do you want my belt for?"
"We don't want any hangings."
"Do you really think I was going to hang myself for littering?" The Joker let out a laugh at the thought.
The Joker just sat there in the room for a few minutes before the door opened again and there stood… Batman!
"What the heck are you doing here?" the Joker asked getting irritated by all these weird encounters today.
"Commissioner Gordon asked me to stop by seeing as how this part of the country is out of his jurisdiction. We want to ask you a few questions." Batman started.
"Ask away. I doubt you'll get any answers," the Joker giggled.
"You were arrested for littering? What are you REALLY up to?" Batman asked with intent written all over his features.
The Joker started to laugh. That insane laugh that clearly showed that he was amused, "Did you ever consider that I was just hungry? All the stuff I threw out was leftover food" a wicked grin crossed his face.
"They say that when you returned to the crime scene that there was a girl there that attacked you. She called herself 'Miss Dusk.' Is she a part of your plan gone wrong?"
The smile was wiped clean off of the Joker's face, "She's crazy."
"What did she say to you?"
The Joker eyed the Batman and wanted to know why Batman wanted to know that "Miss Dusk" actually had tackled hugged him and squealed about him being a cool crazy bugger.
"If you won't tell me now. I will get it out of you sooner or later. I can do this all night if I have to." Batman said as he tried to intimidate the Joker.
"That was meant to make me swoon?" he asked as he rolled eyes.
So on it went, hours and hours until Alice stormed into the room with Officer Obie following her, telling her that she couldn't go in the room.
"Shut up you, pansy!" She shouted at Officer Obie before turning her attention onto Batman, "YOU! Batboy! Get away from that man! He hasn't got some GRAND scheme about taking over the world by littering! Lord knows if he did then the whole world would be an accomplice! Now either you let him go back to my place and get some rest for tomorrow or so help me, I will send you back to that stupid little cave you came from IN PIECES!"
"You really think I'm going to believe that?"
Alice made a motion as if to clobber Batman, but Officer Obie stopped her just in time.
"… Okay, maybe I will…" said Batman.
The Joker started to laugh like a maniac when he noticed that Batman's knees were shaking as he left for Alice's house, where he had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat.
The court case can basically be summarized as thus:
Officer Obie and the Joker were in the courtroom and asked to rise when the judge came in… with a seeing eye dog.
Considering how the main piece of evidence against the Joker were those 27, 8 by 10, color glossy pictures with circle and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was, Obie started to cry.
Officer Obie had realized that this was a typical case of American blind justice.
The Joker was fined 50 and had to pick up the garbage (in the snow).
A few months pass since this incident. A war broke out across the country and the draft was an imminent threat among everyone… including the Joker.
The Joker had to go to Whitehall Street in New York. He had gotten nice and drunk the night before, so he looked and felt his best when he went in that morning.
He was injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected, and selected. He walked in, sat down, he was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. He was given a piece of paper and told, "Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604."
The Joker went up there, he said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I want to kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL!!" The Joker started jumping up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and the psychiatrist started jumping up and down with him both yelling, "KILL, KILL!"
Then the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on the Joker sent me down the hall and said, "You're out boy."
The Joker continued down the hall getting more injections, inspections, detections, neglections. He was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things and they were inspecting, injecting every single part of him and they was leaving no part untouched (wink!)
When he finally came to see the last man, he said, "What do you want?"
The man said, "Kid, we only got one question. Have you ever been arrested and did you ever go to court?"
The Joker told him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre, with full orchestration and five part harmony and the twenty-seven, 8 by 10 color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one, and the man stopped him right there and said, "Kid, I want you to go and sit down on that bench that says 'Group W'… NOW kid!!"
The Joker went over to the Group W bench (where you might not be moral enough to join the army) and there was all kinds of mean, nasty, and ugly looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers! Father rapers sitting there on the bench next to the Joker! The meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of them all was coming over to the Joker and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?"
He said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay 50 and pick up the garbage."
"What were you arrested for?"
"Littering."
They all moved away from the Joker on the bench.
Until he said, "And creating a nuisance."
Then came back on the bench, shook his hand, and they had a great time talking about all kinds of crime, mother stabbing, father raping, all kinds of groovy things. Everything was fine and they were even smoking cigarettes while relaxing on the bench.
Until the sergeant came over with a paper in his hand and went on this huge rant about how every one them had to fill out a form explaining what they were arrested for and every detail that they could think of at the time.
No one understood a word that the officer said, for forty-five minutes.
But everyone had a good time filling out the forms. The Joker had just about finished his form when he noticed on the other side there was one last question that was in parenthesis, quoted, and in capital letters:
("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")
The Joker went over the Sergeant and said, "You got a lot damn gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean I'm sitting here on the Group W bench 'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough to join the army, burn women, kids, houses and villages after being a litterbug."
The Sergeant said, "We don't like your kind. We're going to send your fingerprints off to Washington…"
"Nicky!" Tara called from downstairs of the DBCA mansion.
Nicky looked up from her writing and was surprised that her nose wasn't streaked with ink it was so close to the paper, "What?" she called.
"What are you doing up here?" Tara asked shortly followed by Cricket, Demon, and Ari, "We wanted to know if you wanted to join in a game of Sue Hunting."
"I was actually just finishing up my story for the new challenge in the Den." Nicky said as she tried to shield her work from the others.
But Demon was too quick for Nicky, "What do you have here?" as she showed the others.
Nicky's face started to turn red with embarrassment.
Everyone stopped looking at the work and started to turn their attention to Nicky, "Nicky, crack!fic is whack."
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but that is how the story goes." Nicky said with a slight smirk on her face that she could fit one more line in before the story ends.
"You need help."
The End.