This story is set during Order of the Phoenix, probably during the first semester.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and any characters or places thereof. This is just written for fun and no profit is being made.
"Oh, dear…"
"What is it, Molly?" Remus Lupin looked up from a game of chess in which he was trying very hard not to crush Nymphadora Tonks's pieces. He spent more time sliding his rooks and knights away from hers than he did going after her king; even so, she had lost a number of pawns and, after one particularly vicious accusation that he "wasn't teaching her anything but giving her plenty of reasons to throw chairs," a bishop.
Molly Weasley held a letter in her shaking hand. As Lupin pushed himself from his chair, she said, "Those twins…" Certain that Molly shook from anger rather than fear, Lupin sat down again. Bad behavior from the Weasley twins was about as unusual and concerning as rain in winter. Tonks pushed one of her three remaining pawns forward. Lupin's queen smashed it to smithereens. Tonks cursed.
"You've only started playing a week ago, Tonks. For a beginner you're really doing well," Lupin assured her. "What're the twins up to, Molly?" He remembered teaching the two years ago; they had never been easy students, but they had been good fun. How he had gnawed his cheeks not to laugh!
Molly crushed the letter. "They've incinerated their Potions books. Apparently they created some form of acid which ate a quarter of Fred's, and on a second try they… their cauldrons overflowed with… with clear liquid fire-- I've got to have a word with Snape-- and that ate George's… oh, dear…" Lupin bit back a grin. Amused as he was, Molly seemed upset: angering her could prove dangerous. Besides, his logical side argued that whatever the twins had been making sounded quite dangerous and unlike anything Severus Snape would assign, indicating that they had created this potion unattended. Such a thing done by someone as responsible as Hermione Granger was admirable, by Fred and George Weasley the admiration was something to be hidden until their mother's lecture had sunk in. "They've asked me to buy them another copy, they've sent gold-- where've they got gold? Oh, I'll have to go out tonight…"
"I'll take care of tea," Tonks offered.
"No!" Molly cried, rather more swiftly and forcefully than was necessary. "I mean-- er, no, thank you, dear, I can manage."
Lupin quickly jumped in: "I'll do tea," he said. He didn't want Tonks near any sharp knives or open fires, either.
Molly never questioned Lupin's ability to cook. "Thank you, Remus," she said. "Oh, but Sirius hasn't been very happy since that Daily Prophet article, and I don't trust him to behave when he's depressed--"
"Molly, really, I can manage," Lupin assured her.
"Are you sure…?"
"I've known Sirius for years. Enchant a frisbee and he's entertained for hours."
"Oh-- well…" Molly smiled weakly at this joke. After a handful of questions, and many assurances that Lupin was a grown man and if he could handle a doubles Defense Against the Dark Arts class with Fred and George Weasley, he could keep Sirius and Tonks out of trouble, Molly agreed. "They're both adults, Molly, not children; everything will go smoothly. You'd best go if you want to reach the shops before they close…"
Tonks continued to sulk after Molly had gone. "I know I'm a little clumsy sometimes--" Lupin had the practiced manners not to laugh "--but I know a little about cooking-- you're not using magic, Remus!"
"I know," Lupin replied. "I never learned to cook with magic. Mostly I learned on my own. My mum taught me, though, a little bit of basic cooking."
"Well, how come she never cooked with magic?" Tonks demanded, angry and interested.
"Because I'm a half-blood," Lupin stated matter-of-factly.
"Oh! I… sorry…"
Lupin, investigating the contents of a kitchen cabinet, said, "Bishop to D-5." The black bishop slid across the board, crushing another of Tonks's pawns.
"How d'you do that?" asked Tonks, scratching her vibrantly pink head. "I don't think I can take any more obliteration today…"
"All right, we can finish up tomorrow if you like."
"What's for tea?"
"Eggs and bacon. Have you seen Sirius today?"
"No," Tonks said dismissively. "Molly's right, he's been sulking since the kids left for school. Um, Remus… I thought Fred and George hate Severus?" When Lupin validated this theory, she asked, "And, being past O.W.L.s, I thought they'd stopped taking Potions?"
"Yes…" He caught on suddenly and turned. "Do not mention that to Molly!"
"Why not?"
"Because it means Fred and George are up to something. As to what…" Lupin shrugged and flipped a few strips of bacon with a fork, slithering aside as liquid fat bubbled and hissed in the pan.
"You knew Sirius at school, right?" Tonks asked, changing the subject to one she had obviously been thinking on for some time. "Has he always been depressed like that?"
Lupin scowled, carefully not at Tonks. "Try to see this from Sirius's perspective, Nymphadora--"
"Tonks!" insisted Tonks.
Lupin shrugged again. "Just consider how Sirius must feel. He doesn't like it known, but he's quite emotional, really. He hated this house and hated his parents, probably still does, and his entire childhood was spent here in sheer misery and hopelessness, but he came to Hogwarts and met James Potter--"
Tonks interrupted again, this time to interject, "And you!"
"Yes, but it was James who took him in when he could take no more. Not that I wouldn't have done it if need had been, but with me having to be locked in the basement once a month to keep from biting anyone, well… We left Hogwarts, started working. James and Lily married, had their son who, by the way, Sirius loved more than life itself. Then suddenly, barely a handful of years after we leave school, James and Lily are killed. Sirius is told he can't see Harry anymore; a day passes, and he's in prison without trial for a crime he didn't commit. Twelve years he's there. When he escapes, what comfort does he receive? He spends a few hours with Harry and me, unfortunately with Severus Snape present, again is chased by the law, without even committing the murder he's imprisoned for. Tonks, the man lived in caves, ate rats. And now he can't even leave the house. He's hated this place all his life.
"Harry's trial was a glimmer of hope for him. He had no faith in the righteousness of the law. He never believed Harry would be let off. Whether he sees Harry as James, as Molly claims, or simply a companion, is irrelevant. It was hope, Tonks. He's feared it for years, and it defeated him at long last. Do you know he can still conjure a Patronus? I have seen him do so." Four years ago, the thought of giving such a lengthy, honest speech to anyone would have left Remus Lupin shivering nervously. A year of teaching at Hogwarts School had given him more than a year's wages.
"So?" Tonks asked, unaware of Lupin's history and unmoved by his passionate defense.
"So he still recalls happiness. I always looked up to Sirius simply for bold, impudent strength. Now… I suppose no one else knows him like I do, or they-- everyone-- would hardly be so angry with the way he behaves." Lupin set the bacon to drain and cracked eggs into the pan without draining the fat out. They began to fry immediately.
"Why would you tell me this?" Tonks asked, suddenly wary.
He had no idea, but again drawing on habits quickly developed as a teacher he postulated aloud, "Possibly because I feel alone or because I want you to understand. I suppose it is equally likely that I have wanted to speak of this for some time, not being happy to see the way people mishandle Sirius's misery, and because I know you won't do anything stupid like feel sorry for him." Lupin chuckled. "He would hate that! He doesn't mind being pitiable, he minds being pitied."
Tonks turned away from Lupin for the first time since he had started talking. "Um, Remus? How many people are having tea?"
Lupin considered for a moment, flipping the nearly-cooked eggs to keep the yolks from running. "Well, us, Sirius, Arthur and Molly, possibly Bill. Five or six people. Why do you ask?"
"Because someone's been nicking the bacon. Not me!" she added hastily.
Lupin slid the eggs onto a plate and turned off the stove. "Kreacher!" he shouted.
The hideous house-elf slunk into the room. "Kreacher doesn't take orders from half-breeds, no, Kreacher doesn't, his Mistress would never have it--"
"Did you steal the bacon?" Lupin asked. Tonks giggled loudly, recalling that she had played a game by a similar name in grade school.
The house-elf lied through his few teeth: "Kreacher doesn't steal, no he doesn't, not from nasty half-breeds--"
Lupin gave the house-elf one of the serious glares he had perfected as a professor at Hogwarts. "Kreacher steals from his master." He realized he had fallen into a trap most people fall into when arguing with house-elves and five-year-olds: he was speaking with improper grammar. "All right, Kreacher, please leave."
"Kreacher doesn't take orders from mudbloods," replied Kreacher, slinking from the room. Tonks inhaled sharply and would have said something, had not Lupin beat her to it.
"Half-muds, I'll have you know!" Lupin shouted after Kreacher, sending Tonks giggling again. "Sirius Adolphus Black!" he cried.
Tonks frowned. "Adolphus?"
"He never told us his middle name. Actually, he never said he had a middle name. But, well, when we were at Hogwarts, we guessed the most ridiculous things…" Because his friend had not replied, Lupin called again, "Sirius Reginald Black!" To Tonks, he added, "Sooner or later, I'm sure I'll guess it."
Tonks had no chance to reply: at that moment, a huge black dog scrabbled out from beneath the table and scampered through the doorway. "Hey!" Lupin cried, and he hastily switched off the stovetop before giving chase. "No, Sirius, you'll hit the--" Lupin froze when the umbrella stand, Tonks's long-time nemesis, crashed to the floor. A scream tore through the house, cursing half-bloods, blood traitors, half-breeds, and the many other groups that comprised the Order. Lupin grabbed the curtain and tried to yank it over the picture. "Get back here and help me, you mangy dog!"
Sirius obeyed the first order, traipsing down the stairs still in dog form, but instead of becoming human and pulling closed the curtain, he grabbed a mouthful of Lupin's trousers between his teeth and tugged. "You ba--" Lupin only just stopped himself cursing. "These are my best trousers!" he complained.
"Really?" Tonks had followed them from the kitchen. She had a strip of bacon between her fingers and a dribble of grease down her chin.
"Well, they were," Lupin explained, shouting to be heard over Mrs. Black's yells.
"But they're patched," Tonks observed.
"I am unemployed!" Lupin replied, nearly falling over between the heavy curtain and the black dog tugging at his trousers. At last he managed to re-conceal Mrs. Black. He overbalanced and toppled over Sirius. "Ow! Sirius, can't you be a little less foolish?" In response, Sirius leapt up onto Lupin's chest and began licking his face. "Hey!" Lupin protested between giggles. "Stop-- Sirius! Don't!" But between having a dog standing on his chest and laughing, he hardly had enough air to breath, let alone speak.
When Lupin went limp, Sirius stepped down as Tonks hurried forward, whipping out her wand. She tripped over the already overturned umbrella stand. Green and red sparks shot out of her wand. "Are you all right?" asked Lupin, dropping the opossum act. The sparks from Tonks's wand singed Sirius's tail. The dog leapt over Lupin and loped up the stairs, whining.
"Sirius!" Lupin stood, tripped, regained his balance, and chased after the dog. "You've still got to answer for theft, Sirius!"
The dog knew the house far better than Lupin, and had the added advantage of four legs. Lupin, panting, reached the third floor of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, just in time to see a black tail disappear through an open door. "Sirius--!" Lupin pushed open the door and entered the dark, dusty room. He sneezed loudly.
"Sirius, this is ridiculous. Come out," Lupin ordered in the no-nonsense tone previously reserved for the Weasley twins, Draco Malfoy and, on a few occasions, Harry Potter. When Sirius did no such thing, Lupin pulled his wand out. Mad-Eye complained that keeping a wand shoved through one's belt was no safer than keeping a wand in a back pocket, but Lupin took cares with the angle. His wand had yet to fire against his orders, anyway, though Mad-Eye insisted that it took only one mistake, that a person might not even notice… Lupin was fairly certain he would notice the imbalance if he lost a buttock.
"Lumos."
Lupin swept the beam of light across the room. Sirius could be hiding anywhere: under the bed, in the wardrobe, on top of the wardrobe, behind the curtains… "Sirius Augustine Black!" Lupin stated loudly. He believed that, should he ever guess Sirius's true middle name, it would control him completely, like the true name of a demon. Usually this was of little concern to Lupin, and he had no desire to play hide-and-seek with a grown man while Molly Weasley was counting on him to prepare tea. He kept looking, though, because he knew Sirius liked a good chase.
"Sirius," Lupin said quietly, inching into the room, "when I find you…" He lifted the bedskirt and swept his wand across the space. No dog could be seen. "I'll cut your hair while you sleep!" he cried. "You heard me, I'll do it!" He opened the curtains on the bed. Sirius was not there. "I'll…" He pulled open the curtains over the window, found no dog, and promptly closed the curtains again. "I'll…" He opened the wardrobe. Mothballs rolled and old robes hung therein, but neither dog nor man hid among them.
"I'll make you eat your tea at a kiddie table!" Lupin threatened. He crept around to the other side of the wardrobe. "Hah! If you're going to behave like a child, Sirius, maybe you need an earlier bedtime!" He was quite tickled with his ability to think up potential threats. It felt like a century since he had been a child himself, and even then he had behaved with surprising maturity.
Tonks appeared in the doorway. "Remus? I think he left."
"What? But Dumbledore said--"
"Left the room," Tonks clarified. "Anyway, you'll probably want to see to tea before Molly gets back…"
Unable to disagree, Lupin accompanied Tonks back to the kitchen. "I don't know what to make for tea," he stated, rather annoyed. "I mean, what takes five minutes and isn't bacon and eggs?"
"Fried bread?" Tonks suggested. "Black pudding? Toast? Pancakes? Yeah! Can you make pancakes, Remus? Can we have pancakes for tea? Maybe they've got chocolate or blueberries…"
Lupin put the kettle on. If nothing else, there would be tea for tea. He said as much, then added, "And maybe, if Sirius slinks into the room about now and promises to behave, I'll do cocoa for him because I know he hates tea!"
Sirius climbed out from beneath the table. "Do I have to drink it at a kiddie table?" he asked.
"Hmm…"
"Remus!"
As Lupin considered, Sirius muttered a distorted curse under his breath. "Hah! Now you've only got one buttock!" he taunted.
"Well my buttock isn't going to sit at a kiddie table," Lupin retorted. "Anyway, I may only have one buttock, but at least I have dignity!"
"Yeah, but I have a belly full of bacon."
When Molly returned, she found Lupin with a black eye (though both buttocks) and the tea just finished. "Tonks lost at chess," Lupin explained. He slid three plates of pancakes onto the table. "There's peach, banana and blueberry. No chocolate, I'm afraid."
"Yeah," Sirius growled, "because my mum liked dementors."
"You promised!" Lupin said.
"I know," Sirius replied, leaning close to his cocoa and grinning. "You're so gullible."
"You're the one going to sit at a kiddie table."
"Yeah, but with both my buttocks."
Molly sighed. "You're as bad as Fred and George… I must ask Mad-Eye not to give you two any ideas." Arthur and Bill arrived moments later, and they sat down to an uneventful tea-- save an uncomfortable moment in which Bill asked, "Why does it smell like bacon if we're having pancakes?"