Broken Wings
Summary: Shin-san is gone. His Shin-san is gone. Canon. Angst.
A/N: This is a narrative (again) on my take on the story from Bon's prespective. Somewhere before things went downhill, there is soft smut. Apart from that, all you readers know the drift and the happenings that are laid down in the story. You could say this is the subtext to whatever happened in the anime. Hopefully, my next fic will have no Miyokichi and a happy ending. Till then, please put up with the musings of my mind.
Also, drop me a line to know what you thought?
Disclaimer: Shouwa Genroku Rakugo Shinjuu and all its characters are the property of Kumota Haruko.
Bon wakes with a soft gasp. He finds himself drenched in sweat, his plaid yukata bunched around him as he tries to calm his wild heartbeat. His leg hurts for some reason, making him grunt at the pain when he attempts to stand up. He wonders if the cause is the dream he had. It has been a while since a dream has shaken him. Dreaming of Shin-san doesn't bother him. He always dreams of Shin-san. But just that morning, it's the expression that Shin-san wore on his face that makes him want to punch something. It's an expression that makes him want to scratch Shin-san's face in anger and bitter jealousy. He has stopped trying to fight the feeling that rears its head in his chest when he thinks of Shin-san with Miyokichi.
But they've gone away now. Or rather, Shin-san has been taken away by Miyokichi who managed to very cleverly manipulate Shin-san's virtue to the best of her advantage. It's not like Bon hasn't been aware of how the thought of being lonely frightens Miyokichi. He still vividly recalls how her eyes had flashed with anger, with resentments, with panic when she'd held out her hand to him and he'd rejected it, rejected her.
Sometimes he wonders if Miyokichi and Shin-san were meant to be but the thought is nipped in the bud as soon as it begins to blossom in his head. Sometimes he wonders if Shin-san had liked her since before – since the days when she would drape herself all over Bon as Shin-san watched. The feeling, the sick feeling that overcomes him is enough to make him choke with its intensity and makes him see red. It's almost a compulsive need to quell all channels flooding into that stream of thought. The mere vision of Shin-san making eyes at someone – his carefree, cocksure Shin-san being in love with someone as unworthy as Miyokichi is enough to make him gag on his own saliva. He can't think that. He can't even allow himself to go drown in that make-belief lie just to make the pain of this separation easier.
And so when his rakugo performances end for the day, he pours himself some sake from the Seventh's prized collection in broad daylight of the Tuesday morning and lets his mind wander. The scenarios are all the same. They play in his head like some movie, fitting piece-by-piece like a jigsaw puzzle till the whole picture is presented in front of his eyes. The delicate porcelain cup slams against the wooden door of the kitchen and tinkles in a heartbroken fashion before twirling around a bit and lying face down on the floor after having deposited all its contents on the wooden floor, staining it. Staining it, just like Miyokichi, that wench, stained his Shin-san's soul.
He has to go and meet Shin-san. He has to show Shin-san what he's seen. He has to bring him back. He just has to get Shin-san back at his side again.
It takes an hour to pack. It takes an hour because his leg hurts and hinders his progress. It takes an hour because he has to stop in the middle of putting his clothes in a bag to massage his aching leg. It takes an hour because his heart thrums so hard that it makes his hands shake. It takes an hour because he ends up dropping his kimono thrice in the process.
And when he's finally, finally done with his packing, he puts on the first shirt he can find in the closet and its only after he's buttoned it down that he remembers how much Shin-san dislikes that shirt. It takes less than a minute to rip off this one and look for the white shirt with the wide blue stripes that Shin-san claimed "accented Bon's features". The accompanying navy blue sweater is new and so are the beige pants that Bon wears. He wears his trench coat and his hat and is almost out of the door in a record time of five minutes.
Walking to the station is a pain. He curses his leg as his wooden walking stick clacks against the asphalt. The travel bag adds to the burden as he holds it in a choking grip in his left hand. It's almost like the weight of the bag is a sheer reminder of the size of his actions, his grip on it tightening with every step. The train ride is a pain. And frankly, his heart is muddled with the uncertainty of his actions.
He sits by the window and watches the countryside pass him by a blur, mirroring his thoughts as one thought after the other jumbles and trips over in its hurry to be voiced, only to be cast aside because Bon is scared. Bon is scared about the outcome of his thoughts. Bon is scared about jinxing this trip. Bon is scared he will never meet Shin-san again.
The nervousness he's been feeling in the pit of his stomach worsens when he nears his destination.
"It may not be everything but it's a start," the voice of the geisha who gave him the name of the city still resounds in his ear as he gets off the train with legs that feel numb.
He's here, he's finally here and there is no turning back.
Nagasaki, a city he'd never dreamed he'd find himself in.
He gazes around taking in the scenery with an uncaring eye for the fraction of a second before he forces his still-numb legs to work and try and locate the person who's brought him here.
He makes his way down the big street and wonders if Miyokichi is also a part of the reason he's here. And then he smirks thinking how that's inevitable since she and Shin-san are more like a set now.
Asking people around doesn't really help and within the first fifteen minutes of his search, he begins to feel that nervousness again. The queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach worsening with every heavy step he takes. Till finally, he meets a man who wouldn't really know if the person Bon is searching for is the one he knows about, but gives him a lead about a soba shop where he knows a child performer.
Bon doesn't think it is the same person, but since something is better than nothing he trudges along the cobbled pathway, crosses the small wooden bridge and that's when the first notes of a child performing rakugo hits his ear.
Shin-san's rakugo, his heart thuds in his chest harder, almost desperate to break out of its cage and explode in the intensity of emotions it feels.
He stands at the wooden door of the soba shop and listens for a minute, taking in the intonation of the speaker and the humorous reactions from the audience. His heart warms at it. Sure enough, it feels like coming home.
He opens the door as quietly he can, not wanting to disrupt the performance. The sight that beholds him when he sees the tiny redhead commanding the stage with the ease and practice of a professional causes his breath to catch in his chest. His gaze flits to the audience with the skill he's perfected through his years of performance and a small smile almost blossoms across his face at the enraptured way they stare at the child.
He takes a seat, orders some kake-soba and watches the little kid perform. He doesn't mean to be critical but through his years as a rakugo performer he has picked up the habit of picking up mistakes. But that's not what brings a smile on his face as he cradles his cheek with his right hand and plays with his ceramic tea cup with his left while watching her perform. What makes him smile is the sheer knowledge that sure enough, this is Shin-san's rakugo.
With that knowledge, another one clubs him on the head harder than the previous one. He's staring at Shin-san's child. But that's not what makes him gasp and lean on the table for support. He's staring at Shin-san's and Miyokichi's child.
His insides begin to harden, a pit forming, threatening to drown him under. With every passing second that he stares at the child, his dislike grows, his hatred for that woman Miyokichi festering with such urgency that he's convinced that he's going to be sick. But he forces himself to sit there and watch the girl stumble and stutter her way through Shin-san's rakugo. And this only serves to add to the desperation of wanting to see Shin-san.
When the performance ends and that feisty child demands alms from the audience, it makes him smile. He doesn't offer her any, choosing instead to treat her to a meal because that's when her traitorous stomach chooses to growl. When she settles down, he wants to demand at once that she tell him about Shin-san, but he watches the way she wolfs down her food and so he waits.
But the answers do not come easy. When coaxing doesn't work, he is not the least ashamed to blackmail. But that's not what does the trick. It never struck him to introduce himself because the moment another patron takes his name, the child – Konatsu – blooms like the sakura in spring as she stares at him and asks if he knows her father.
Father, the word makes Bon's heart twang with hatred he didn't know and he nods slowly because he has to embrace this reality. She takes his hand and leads him to her father like Bon is everything as Bon's heart shatters and breaks with every step. Konatsu fills him up on Shin-san's situation, talking about how her mother – Miyokichi abandoned them for another man, about how she wouldn't let Shin-san practice his rakugo, about how Shin-san is always drinking and is jobless because Shin-san hates to work.
Bon doesn't know how he holds himself. His insides are a crumbled mess, like the aftermath of a tsunami. He's sure his heart is bleeding for Shin-san. He wants to tell the girl to shut up but he wants to know more. He wants to run to Shin-san and at the same time he wants to run away. But more than anything, he's sure about the one thing he wants to do. He wants to take Miyokichi by her neck and wrangle it back and forth till she ceases to exist.
Konatsu takes him to a house that makes him cringe. A broken well, a messy little wooden structure that houses and keeps the one man who was wrenched away from him. His steps hasten. He doesn't care if Konatsu notices, he doesn't care if everything he feels for Shin-san is out there displayed on his face in the open and he doesn't care if the world knows. All he wants is to see Shin-san.
He watches Konatsu desperately trying to wake the lump under the covers, his desperation increasing with every second till finally he screams a name he has never used. The effect is just as he predicts in his head. Shin-san runs and comes to him like he has dreamed of a million times. His heart soars just for a second till anger takes over.
Too much has taken place these past few years, too many nights of solitude, too much thinking. Bon thinks he has been exposed to too many things all too soon and so Bon thinks it's only fair to hit Shin-san with his bag. The indignant squawk that leaves Konatsu's mouth makes him feel just a little better.
But what takes away the hurt and the pain is the way Shin-san all but jumps on him to smother him in an embrace. That takes away all the murky clouds, every bit of darkness from Bon. He's here; he's finally here in Shin-san's arms. He fills itself with the familiar heat, the smell of cigarettes and sake and sweat and everything that is Shin-san that despite his resolve, he tears up and he resolves to take this man back with him to Tokyo and put him up with the stars again because he knows he can't go one day more without Shin-san beside him.
What begins from then on is the dream Bon could have only hoped to see. He basks in Shin-san's smiles again, talking and just being with the man. He loves every minute of it, every second, praying for it to never end. He is so happy that he doesn't even mind Konatsu. In fact, slowly and gradually as he begins to understand the kid, he realizes just how much he likes her. Especially when Konatsu confides in him the injustice Miyokichi subjected Shin-san to. He is sure the smile looming over his face is almost creepy but he can't help it. It just fosters the hatred he has for that wench. It just strengthens the belief that she should never become a part of their lives again.
He can live with what he has but he knows Shin-san and knows just how much Shin-san has grown to love Miyokichi. They don't talk about it, but he sees it in those chocolate brown eyes of the man he loves and despite knowing they were both together, it always feels like a knife to the heart. He wonders if Shin-san realizes just how much things would have been simpler had he chosen Bon. There are nights when Bon wants to shake Shin-san and ask why he had to fall in love with Miyokichi. Why he couldn't love Bon instead.
But now that the clouds have cleared and dawn has finally broken over the horizon he can stay afloat. Bon feels like he can finally breathe in peace. Except, there is only one more hurdle on the way and that is the fact that Shin-san refuses to do his rakugo anymore. Initially, Bon thinks it is because of Miyokichi. But the more he comes to terms with the changes Shin-san has undergone, the more he realizes how deep-rooted the problem has become. He tries; hell he even fights tooth and nail just to get Shin-san into it.
And then one day when he offers to cut Konatsu's hair while Shin-san is sleeping and she demands that he does rakugo for her, the chance presents itself. He starts with the piece she has requested and even though he makes half-hearted false proclamations about how that piece is not his forte, he knows in his heart that Shin-san will come. And so he begins, a little rough in the beginning, but as he picks it up, he halts at the song because that's where he knows Shin-san will jump right in and proceed. He knows just how much Shin-san loves that piece. Sure enough, when Shin-san breaks out into the ridiculous song looking as happy and carefree like Bon has always known him, Bon cannot help but smile as he gazes at Shin-san while Konatsu breaks into peals of laughter.
He watches captivated as Shin-san takes the lead from then on, launching into the outrageous story and it's only natural that Bon accompanies the piece, playing the role of the woman; falling back into a pattern they haven't practiced since the days when they were both zenza.
The crescendo and the accompanying laughter it brings, lightens Bon up and fills him with so much warmth that he has to take a deep breath and almost pinch himself to believe it's real. And when they both bow and Shin-san begins to cry, he knows now everything will be alright. That Shin-san has finally seen the light.
That night, after Konatsu's asleep and Bon has ensured that Shin-san has had a drink too many, Bon decides to take that one step in the fire. He sidles up close to Shin-san who has taken to rambling a random piece of rakugo and stops the ramblings with a kiss. Shin-san giggles into it shocked at Bon's audacity and convinced this is some kind of a mistake. But this isn't a mistake and Bon makes it a point to tell him as much as he presses his lips against Shin-san's and repeat the gesture. Shin-san struggles to no avail. Bon knows Shin-san's body is heavy and his brain light from all the beer and the sake and it has been far too long since he has held someone.
"Think I'm a woman," Bon whispers in Shin-san's ear and licks the earlobe sensually, ceasing whatever little protests the man could have had.
And when Bon moans, he sees the effect it has on Shin-san who lets out a broken moan of his own. What follows thereafter is a medley of touches and kisses and Bon can't be amazed enough at how wonderful Shin-san's mouth feels on his nipples which are tight and throbbing and how good it feels to rub his erection against Shin-san's hairy thigh. He grabs the curly hair on Shin-san's head and brings him up for another kiss which brandishes itself in his heart and makes his loins ache.
Shin-san doesn't know the concept of preparation and so when he just thrusts his heat inside Bon, Bon has to fight the scream that arises in his throat as tears run down his cheeks. But there is nothing, absolutely nothing, he regrets even as Shin-san begins to move inside him, even as it burns and aches and all he can think about is the pain, but then he holds Shin-san against him and when Shin-san shifts and presses against something so small and wonderful inside of him, his heat is ignited to a point where he's sure he's never letting Shin-san go.
They move together, they move apart, their lips crash against each other, they break away for air, the thrusting, the groaning and everything in between feeling so wonderful and right that Bon wishes for it to never end. But then he feels Shin-san get frenetic, hears the low moan and then the grunt and then feels Shin-san shuddering as hot liquid sears his insides, he loses it. He rubs his turgid flesh desperately against Shin-san's thigh, loving the friction, knowing how close he is. The impatient grunt which escapes his lips when Shin-san moves away is replaced almost immediately by a groan when Shin-san's callused hands take him and move in the perfect cacophony of his release. His release is hard, so hard that he is almost blinded by the intensity. But Shin-san is relentless as he continues pumping to draw out all of Bon's passion till Bon is convinced his soul is going to seep out of him.
The next morning is the hardest. Bon wakes up with a sinking feeling in his gut. He is sure he's going to be thrown out of this happy bubble that the three of them have created. He is almost reluctant to open his eyes but Konatsu is loud as she goes around doing the household chores. He stirs and tries to turn but a hand around his waist holds him down. He lifts his eyes to look into Shin-san's chocolate brown eyes silently seeking an answer he knows only Shin-san can give. But Shin-san doesn't say a word, choosing only to hold Bon closer to him, never letting go.
Bon is painfully aware of how tense he is, how he knows the peace of this moment can be shattered by anything that Shin-san says. But Shin-san continues to gaze at him without a word and an expression Bon can't read, till finally the tan arm lifts and Shin-san lets him go to yell at Konatsu to keep her voice down.
Bon isn't sure if there is a sense of acknowledgement there but he is sure that Shin-san's arm around his waist has said it all. The relief it gives way to makes him smile as all the tension pours out of his body.
Bon couldn't have asked for anything more to showcase Shin-san when the owner of the huge inn invites them to perform. It's the perfect stage for Shin-san and he can't wait to hear Shin-san perform his rakugo for his audience again. His thoughts wander back to that night and the following morning. He is frustrated that nothing has happened after that and yet at the same time, there is a certain sense of relief inside him. Shin-san has gone back to being his carefree, boisterous self as he continues to put his arm around Bon and joke about the good times. They haven't spoken about what occurred and a part of Bon wishes they never do. There is a silent understanding between them that prevents them from talking about it.
And still, still there is some guilt that runs through his veins every time he thinks about that night.
When the day of the performance comes, Bon can't wait for Shin-san's turn. He gives the performance of a lifetime because finally, finally he is performing with the man he always wanted to perform with and nothing could come in between this ecstatic moment. When he gets off the stage to a deafening round of applause, he doesn't even think about the captivated audience. Instead, he waits like a child gleaming with all the enthusiasm of the world to watch Shin-san go on that stage and start his magic. But before that there is something Bon must do.
He walks off the stage and gazes adoringly at Shin-san who is sweating slightly in his nervousness. He smiles slightly at the display of emotions on Shin-san's face before taking off his haori and putting it on Shin-san because he knows that more than anyone; it is Shin-san who deserves to carry the Yakumo name forward. He smiles at Shin-san's complaints, hiding his nervousness behind that smile while inside he is just dying to push the man on the stage and just get his magic on.
Shin-san doesn't let him down. He never has. Bon listens to his entire performance with a smile reserved only for that man, his heart easing and then aching when he feels Shin-san falling back into that ease which only Shin-san has mastered. The performance goes without a hitch, Bon's heart swelling with pride he didn't think he was capable of. When Shin-san walks off the stage, Bon is still so wrapped in the magic that he has to physically fight himself from flinging himself at the man and wrapping himself around him.
The people from the inn also haven't spared any expense in providing them the best facilities. There is food and wine, exceptionally good wine, Bon observes as he watches Shin-san take a gulp of the fine stuff and sigh in pleasure. Watching Shin-san like that brings forward the memory of tangled limbs and unbridled passion and Bon has to force himself to look away from the sight that tempts him. He pulls an ashtray close to himself and busies his mouth with the task of lighting a cigarette and sucking on it.
Shin-san makes some comment about Konatsu who is sleeping peacefully on his chest – a sight that warms Bon from the inside and makes him sigh in happiness. But the happiness is short lived as a staff member approaches him and tells him he has a visitor.
The feeling of foreboding that creeps up at that, punctures his happiness like a balloon. He stands up on stiff legs and makes his way upstairs as the feeling weighs down on him, almost drowning him with its weight. He knows deep in his heart about who the visitor is and try as he might, he can't bring himself to turn around and walk away.
Sure enough, he opens the door and Miyokichi's cheap perfume wafts through the summer air like some sort of poison. It settles into his bones, choking him, making him want to gag and walk away. The moment the wooden door closes, she runs up to him wrapping her arms around him, forcing him deeper into that sea of stench and filth and sin that emits from her. He looks down at her, still as a statue, unwilling to hold her, unwilling to even touch her while she gushes on about how glad she is that he came for her.
He wants to correct her. He wants to set her right. He wants to tell her that it is only Shin-san who holds meaning in Bon's life. He wants to tell her that she never mattered. But he knows better than to open his mouth and tell her everything he feels in his heart. He lets Miyokichi continue with the illusion she has wrapped around herself, never offering a word, never clearing the grand misunderstanding. But when she once again breaks into the song about this time Bon will take her away, the answer on his face is a dead giveaway.
And once again he finds how much he has underestimated Miyokichi because that sly fox traps him once again in her perfect web of guilt because she knows; she knows how Bon feels about Shin-san. Why else would she talk about the similarities between her and Shin-san? He wants to snarl at her and tell her never to take Shin-san's name again. He wants to tell her to let them all go so that they can be happy, but Miyokichi chooses that moment to tell him how Bon destroyed both hers and Shin-san's life.
Every word just digs deeper at the wound Bon has in his chest. He wants to slam out, he wants to tell her no, but the truth stands there stark and naked in front of him. And then Miyokichi begins crying and it is almost like a trance that he leans forward to lick her tears. She seems to be waiting for this moment because she just drags him by the hand to the rickety balcony and demands a double suicide. That demand snaps him out of this reverie Miyokichi has wound around him and he withdraws. He can't die for a woman he has never loved. He won't die for a vixen like Miyokichi. He has to live for Shin-san. He belongs to Shin-san.
And just as he is about to confess, Shin-san opens the door to the room. What happens next is a blur of tears and confessions and rejections till the wooden railing holding the balcony crashes and Miyokichi falls. For a second, just for the fraction of a second Bon rejoices. He's happy to see her go. But the next second fear takes over as Shin-san jumps after her.
"Yurie," the word, the name tumbles off the man he has loved all his life before it's lost in the wind and a flutter of Shin-san's flower patterned kimono.
Panic, all Bon can feel and think is panic as it clutches Bon's heart with its cold claws, squeezing with every passing second till Bon can't breathe. His hand is almost reflexive as it dives after Shin-san, grabbing hold of the collar of the kimono. He can't lose him. Not now, not again, not after they've come this far, not after what they've done. But it all seems irrelevant as Shin-san says his goodbyes, as Shin-san tells Miyokichi, no, Yurie how much he loves her, how much she means to him. A part of Bon wants to let them go, to let them have their happy ending. But his grip never slackens, never loosens. He is frozen from the fear in his chest. He is lost in the fervent need to save Shin-san, his Shin-san.
But Shin-san has already resigned to his fate. He has already made his resolve. He is willing to say goodbye and so he forces Bon to let go.
The sight of the two of them falling into the abyss is forever embedded into his skull. He doesn't know for how long he sits there just staring at the deep hole, fascinated by it, almost restless with the adrenaline that pumps through his body as his mind calls out for him to follow Shin-san. He can see it. He's sure it will feel like flying and suddenly he wants nothing more than to fly. The hands on his shoulders pulling him back bring him back to reality. He turns around to look at Matsuda-san who is shaking his head, tears rolling down his cheeks, silently urging Bon to come back. Bon stares at him confused by the tears and then he turns his head back to look into that enticing black hole and sanity hits him with the force of a hurricane.
Shin-san is gone. His Shin-san is gone.
He wants to claw the walls. He wants to run. He wants to die. He wants to do anything to escape the pain that comes with losing Shin-san, his Shin-san. The madness threatens to overtake, the fight coming back in full force and he fights Matsuda-san. He fights the man with everything he has left in him but there are too many people holding him back now, preventing him from jumping and there is nothing left inside him to fight with. And so he lets himself be dragged back into safety, lets Matsuda-san hold him even as the shorter man's shoulders shake with sobs, even as he urges Bon to cry.
Bon feels dead inside. It's like the pain has numbed everything inside him. And so he lets himself be held and shaken like a puppet doll because now all is lost and it's his fault.
He is so lost in the sea of his regrets that when a small hand grabs his, he is visibly startled. He bends down to stare at a face he has grown to know all too well since the past months but feels like a complete stranger's as the little girl demands Bon tells her where her father is. She has tears in her eyes and when she grabs Bon's face and literally screams at him for an answer, he breaks, never to become whole again, never to be joined again. He holds her against his chest and weeps because he knows that he has lost everything forever.
Shin-san is gone. He has once again been stolen by Miyokichi, never to return.
The End