Evangeline lay back in her hospital bed and stared up at the ceiling. Her mother had stepped out to call her family and give them an update. It was the first moment of peace she'd had in a while. Tears burned at the corners of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Her daddy didn't raise her to be a crybaby. She had to be strong. There wasn't anyone there to lean on.
Even if it was only by a miracle, she was still alive. That was more than enough to be thankful for, but she couldn't bring herself to be grateful. Natalie had been snatched, again, by the Killing Club killer and John would be torturing himself until he found her.
She would laugh at the irony of the situation, but it wasn't funny. Natalie had baited the killer twice in an attempt to get John's attention. It worked, but Evangeline was sure that she didn't intend the end result. Her life was likely in grave danger.
"You reap what you sew," she thought to herself. She shook her head. She was angry with Natalie, but no one deserved what they had been through.
A soft knock on the door brought her back from her thoughts. She stared nervously at the door knowing that from here on out things would be different. She pulled her ventilator down and away from her mouth. Before she could speak John pushed the door to her room open and stepped in.
Her heart rate monitor betrayed her. She wasn't as calm as she'd wanted him to believe. She drew in a few slow, steady breaths and her heart rate began to stabilize. Hopefully that was enough to keep the nurses away. She didn't want anyone interrupting them.
"You up for a visit?" He kept his hand on the door making sure it shut softly. He kept his eyes trained on her and nodded back when she nodded at him. He pulled up a stool and sat down on it near her bedside.
He'd been down in the chapel not long ago thanking god that she was alive. She was just an innocent in this whole mess. He knew it was because of her involvement with him that she'd even been put in harm's way. She was safe for now and he would be thankful.
He still had another task, though. Natalie had been taken and the abductor had left without a trace. He had to bring her home, or he'd never be able to forgive himself. He'd charged into that gym without backup, because of that his attention had been divided.
He couldn't get the vision of Evangeline's anguish out of his mind. She was forced to look on while he chose to save Natalie first. She was slumped over and without intervention she surely would have slipped into the flames. So, he'd done what he was required to do, and he knew what that meant. Any hope of repairing his relationship with Evangeline was gone.
He pushed away the thoughts that distracted him from the task at hand. He had to act fast and gather all the information he could. He slipped his hand into his jacket pocket. "Tell me everything you remember. Start to finish. Even if it seems silly or insignificant." He could read the pained expression on Evangeline's face. He hated having to do this to her but apologizing now wouldn't be any good. Time and time again he'd put her feelings on the back burner while he'd tended to Natalie and her troubles. This time would have to be no different.
"Is that all you have to say to me?" Evangeline couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was ready to bear her soul to this man, and he was treating her like just another victim. He could have at least asked her if she was alright.
"You know how this goes," he started. "Time is of the essence. Killer's gone. The information you've got is all we have." He dropped his head with a sigh. He couldn't bear to look in her in the eyes. She was hurting, but she wasn't the only one. He'd wanted to reach out to her; take her in his arms and promise to never let anyone harm her again. He'd made that promise before, yet here they were. In reality, it wasn't about the broken promise. She'd broken up with him. He wouldn't throw himself at her feet and beg for forgiveness.
Evangeline swallowed her anger. John had finally shown his true colors. She'd loved this man despite his flaws, and this is how he returned her affection. Sure, they were broken up now, but it had been more than a fling; at least she thought it was. The breakup was hard on both of them, but it was an amicable split. She couldn't understand why he would be treating her this way.
"I get that, John. I know how the job goes, but I'm not just some stranger." She pulled herself together still hoping to salvage this discussion. "I know that you're beating yourself up because of what happened to me and Natalie. I know it's killing you that you had to make that choice, but let me just make it easy on you, John. I'm not upset. I'm glad. You saved my life." She started to reach out to him but thought better of it.
"You never should have been involved." It had been several years since Caitlyn's death, and he still hadn't forgiven himself. Yet another person's life had been in danger because of her connection to him. "I'm sorry that I ever even had to make that choice. I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong." He spoke about his own hesitation to save her the instant he saw her tied to that pole. "I had to make a quick assessment of the situation, and I did. Natalie was almost in the fire. That's why I went to her."
"This isn't about Natalie, John. This is about you forgiving yourself. I'm glad to be alive. I'm thankful." She lied. Natalie always seemed to be at the heart of every issue between them.
John wiped his hand down his face already tired of having this discussion. He didn't want to have to deal with another person counting on him being let down. He still had to save Natalie and that was all that mattered. "Now's not really the time to be talking about forgiveness. I've got a job to do."
Evangeline let her head fall back against the pillows and stared up at the ceiling. She could see now that confessing everything to him now would only complicate things further. He was intentionally pushing her away. Hell, he'd probably hate her, but he'd never say as much; for now, she would hold her tongue.
Her mind wasn't as sharp as John's in terms of recalling details. She'd noted on several occasions while they were dating that he would scan the room. He was always aware of his surroundings. She thought back to the night of the woman of the year ceremony. Nothing in particular had stood out as odd, but she recited everything she could from memory.
"I never saw my attacker's face or even heard his voice. I'm sorry." She watched John fold his notepad and tuck it into his jacket pocket. She'd given him all the help that she could. Everything else would be up to him.
"Not a whole lot to go on," he spoke to himself. Time was of the essence now, and even with Evangeline's account they didn't really have much to go on. The killer was taunting him, and for that John swore to make him pay. "Thank you." John's hardened demeanor started to soften. He felt like and ass for what he'd put Evangeline through. Reaching out to her was not even an option right now. That last thing he needed was to get his heart trampled on.
"Cookie, is everything alright." John looked over his shoulder at Evangeline's mother, Lisa. She'd snuck in behind him without him noticing. "Shouldn't you still be wearing your ventilator?" She stepped around John and took Evangeline's hand into her own.
"I'm fine," Evangeline started. "John was just taking my statement." The turmoil in her mother's dark brown eyes was like a reflection of her soul. She knew her mother had been through hell when she'd been kidnapped. She didn't want to add disappointment to whatever else she was feeling. "I think we're done." She looked over at John to dismiss him.
He simply nodded once before standing. "I've got a guard stationed outside. If you need anything, call."
"Thank you, lieutenant," Lisa interrupted before he could say anything else. She was happy that her daughter was home safe. However, she would not forgive John choosing to save Natalie over her baby; even if that was the only thing that kept Evangeline out of harm's way.
John stepped out of the room quickly. He didn't want to push his luck with Lisa. She'd already made it clear that she blamed him for Evangeline's disappearance.
"Hey, bro." Michael walked up behind John and patted him on the shoulder. "How you holdin' up?" Michael could only imagine what he'd been going through. Michael had his own scare when someone tried to gas Marcie and her family. Luckily, he had John to rely on.
"I'm not the one you should be worrying about, Mikey. Killer's still out there. He's got Natalie, and we ain't got much to go on." John didn't want to do this right now. He already knew what Michael had to say and he didn't want to hear it. He would not rest until Natalie was found and the killer was brought to justice.
"You've got to take care of yourself. You're no good to anyone like this." He pushed knowing that John wasn't going to take his advice.
He looked over at John and wondered when this hell would finally be over for him. Michael hadn't been old enough to really appreciate their father's death, but it had been the defining moment in John's life. Then there was the sudden death of his fiancée who'd been murdered by a serial killer. Then he'd involved Natalie in a scheme to take down an FBI target. That ended with her husband's death and added another weight to John's shoulders.
It had been much to Michael's delight when John started dating Evangeline. She was not what he would consider to be John's type. She was strong, independent and intelligent. She kept John on his toes and pushed him to be a better man. Michael could tell that with enough time she could heal him. She was the key to ending his suffering; at least that's how he saw it.
"That's the job, Mike. It's not a nine to five. I shouldn't have to explain that to you." John was exhausted and getting lectured by his baby brother was the last thing he wanted. "I gotta go. The chance of getting Natalie back gets smaller ever second we waste." John turned to leave before his brother could protest. There was no use in arguing; both of them knew John would work himself to the bone on this case.
"I'm here if you need me." Michael called after John. He prayed that this would not have a tragic end. He turned and looked into the small window of Evangeline's room. She was crying in her mother's arms. He made a note to stop in and check on her later.
Evangeline sat in her room alone, again. She was glad to be alone again. She'd finally convinced Lisa to go home and rest, but she was sure she'd be right back first thing in the morning. Her visit had been nothing short of tedious. They'd argued extensively over the blame that Lisa attributed to John. Lisa only relented when she saw the toll it was taking on her daughter. She never thought John was good enough for her daughter, and she made those thoughts perfectly clear. After she'd said her peace, she promised not to bring it up again.
Evangeline let out a long sigh. She didn't know how she was supposed to deal with her life at this moment. She'd always been the pride of the Williamson family, and her sister Layla had been the black sheep. She imagined how their roles would change.
"Counselor, I know that look on your face." A young Asian woman stood at the foot of Evangeline's bed with a chart tucked under her arm. "You're in obsessive mode."
"Lily, hey." Evangeline tried to hide the frown on her face. That had been twice today that someone had snuck up on her. Given her dealings with the killer, it had actually been quite unnerving.
"Sorry, I knocked." She saw the shock on Evangeline's face and was sorry.
"No, no. Don't apologize. I must have been lost in thought." She gathered her thoughts. "Dr. Kim, I'm guessing this isn't a social visit?" Evangeline had met Lily early on during her stay in Llanview. They'd connected quickly bonding over their parents' ridiculously high expectations. They had both ended up in Llanview as a break from the norm.
"It can't be both?" She laughed trying to make light of the situation. She knew her friend, so she knew Evangeline was anything but the calm she was exuding. "I can't imagine what you've been through, and I almost don't want to know the details. From what I've read, that guy is a real freak. I'm just glad you survived it."
"Yeah," Evangeline chose the simple answer. She didn't want to get into anymore messy details. There was no point in worrying yet another person over what she'd been through. She would handle it alone like she did all the other obstacles in her life.
"Typical." She tapped Evangeline lightly on the leg with the file that she was holding. "It's okay. I won't press. I know you'll talk when you're ready."
"Thanks." Evangeline was glad that Lily always knew when not to push. Evangeline wasn't one to hide her emotions, but she wasn't a basket case either. When she did express herself, it was always in a calm and rational manner. "So?" She pushed Lily to get to the heart of the matter. "Is everything okay?"
Lily smiled and nodded. "The blood and urine samples were all normal. Mother and baby are just fine. They'll likely release you in the morning. After that we can set up your first appointment. I'll go ahead and write you a prescription for some prenatal vitamins before you leave.
Evangeline quickly wiped the tear that threatened to spill down her cheek. "Thank god." She put her hand to her abdomen and felt a wave of relief wash over her. On a whim, she'd take a home pregnancy test after she had nausea that she just couldn't shake. To her chagrin, it came back positive.
"I was scared. I had no idea what he was drugging us with. I just prayed that it didn't affect the baby." Evangeline spoke frankly. Lily was the only she felt comfortable confiding in right now. She didn't dare tell her mother, and after her interaction with John she wasn't quite ready to tell him either.
"You got lucky, but that's nothing to scoff at." Lily flipped through her chart noting tests that she would need to run later; none of them were out of the ordinary. "Do keep in mind that stress can be catastrophic during pregnancy. You will definitely need to avoid any unnecessary stress." She chose her words carefully.
She hadn't gotten the full story, but she knew Evangeline had recently broken up with John. John and Evangeline had only hung out with her and her boyfriend Troy on a couple of occasions, so she really didn't know John that well. She had seen how their relationship had changed Evangeline for better and for worse. She'd mostly kept her thoughts to herself though. Mingling in the affairs of others was something she wouldn't dare do; unless she was asked.
"Lily," Evangeline started.
"Not Lily right now, Dr. Kim," Lily interrupted. "I'm dead serious, Evangeline. I know the life you're used to living. I know that stress is a part of the job. It's not just your life you'll be endangering." She took in a big breath before she said the rest. "If you're looking for an out, there are things that can be done."
"There are not things that can be done." Evangeline tried not to be offended. Lily was her friend, but she was a physician first. She wouldn't sugarcoat anything. "I'm not looking for a way out. I'm just scared out of my mind. I have no idea what I'm doing. I always thought I'd have kids someday, eventually. I didn't expect it to be like this." She finally started to break down a little. A few tears formed in the corners of her eyes and she didn't bother to wipe them away.
Lily sat on the bed beside her and breathed a sigh of relief. They were both advocates for women's rights, but they did not see eye to eye on the matter of abortion. Evangeline was an adamant believer of women needing the right to choose. She'd presented a reasonable and logical defense of her views, but Lily had taken her oath as a doctor; she believed all life was sacred. She gave abortion as an option to her patients, but she'd always push for adoption in the case of a mother not wanting a child. In the end, they had to agree to disagree on the matter.
"I'm not saying this is going to be easy. I know it will be challenging. That's why I know you'll be fine. When have you failed to rise to the occasion?" Lily encouraged her. Evangeline was one of the few people she knew who was just as determined as she was.
"It's not just about me, though." Evangeline couldn't control her crying when she thought of John. He had more than disappointed her; he'd truly broken her heart. "I'm such an idiot. I gave my heart to that man, and he couldn't even pretend to care that I'd nearly been killed." She spoke through hiccuped sobs.
Evangeline had confided in her that John couldn't or wouldn't say that he loved her. Lily had seen the two together and their feelings for each other seemed genuine. He never had problem showing his affection towards her. It was hard to believe that he didn't still have feelings for Evangeline; especially after such a short amount of time had passed since their break up.
"He said that he didn't care?" Lily pushed her get it all out now.
"He didn't say anything." She wiped her tears and was finally able to control crying. "He came and took my statement. Then he was off to find Natalie."
Lily grimaced. She'd heard that name mentioned more than just a few times. The conversations had never been positive.
"He didn't ask how was doing, if I was ok, or anything like that. 'Just the facts ma'am'. I was going to tell him, you know? Just get it all out in the open." Evangeline laughed bitterly.
"Then forget him, Evangeline." Lily took Evangeline's hand in her own. "You're a strong woman, and that's what your child needs. You can't make John into a better man. You can't make him want to be father. You can't make him love you. You can't change a man. He is who he is." She'd had this talk with several women, both young and old. Some thought a child would strengthen the relationship while others knew it was the beginning of the end.
"Becoming a father might change him. He may become a better man for the sake of his child. He may become resentful and feel like this was forced on him. He may not change at all. This is not something you can predict. Married couples who have planned pregnancies have the same kind of difficulties. You can't make someone do the right thing. A father will love and provide for his child or he won't; it's as simple as that." She squeezed Evangeline's hand.
"Children deserve to have all the love and support in the world. That doesn't have to be in the form of a traditional family. All you can do is love your child. If John's not going to be that father that you child needs, John doesn't need to be a part of your child's life."
"And I'm not supposed to stress over that?" Evangeline knew John all too well. He'd do the right thing. He'd want to get married and pretend to be a family. None of it would be real though. They'd both eventually start to resent each other and that would also end terribly for them and their child.
"What good does it do to stress over it? What problems does it solve? Being a parent is stressful enough. You will never experience another first pregnancy. This should be a time of joy and excitement. You have your family and friends for strength. All you need is love, Evangeline. Love is key."
Evangeline frowned. Love was definitely the one thing that John didn't offer. She knew it was pointless to worry, but what kind of life would her child have living with a father who couldn't express himself.
Michael had was on the tail end of a double shift and he was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than a hot shower and to climb in bed. He walked slowly toward the doctor's lounge trying to remember if he needed to stop anywhere before heading home. He was too tired to try and remember. He grabbed his things from his locker and headed toward Evangeline's room; visiting her was the one thing he knew he had to do before heading out.
They'd moved her from triage to a private room where she would be more comfortable. He walked to the computer terminal at the nurses' station to pull up her chart. He smiled reading that she'd be released tomorrow. Michael shook his head for doubting that she was anything but a fighter.
Just before he closed out her file something caught his eye. He read the prescription notes several times before it actually sunk in. Evangeline was pregnant. He logged out of the terminal and rushed down the hall. It was still early, before visiting hours. He was hoping Evangeline's mother hadn't stayed the night. He remembered John telling him Evangeline's mother didn't like him. Michael could guess why if she too knew that John hadn't told Evangeline he loved her. He knocked impatiently on her door then waited for her to respond. He flung her door open and stared at her wide eyed and expectantly.
Evangeline saw the look on his face and her heart sunk into the pit of her stomach. Something had happened. "Is it John?"
"What?" Michael stepped away from the door and allowed it to swing shut.
"Is everything okay? Is it Natalie?" She held her breath waiting for the news.
"E, what are you talking about?" Michael walked over to her and stared at her confused. "John's fine, as far as I know. There hasn't been any news about Natalie either."
"Then what's wrong? You're scaring me." She laughed softly hoping he was just being weird.
"Nothing, I mean. I just wanted to talk. I figure with everything going on you'd need a shoulder?" Evangeline still had a clueless look on her face. Unlike his brother, he was often very direct. "I'm talking about the baby."
Evangeline's eyes grew wide. She'd forgotten how Michael talked about this place being a rumor mill. She could imagine the gossip that was going around. Suddenly she was sick to her stomach.
"I was checking up on you. I saw you had a prescription for prenatal vitamins," Michael quickly inserted. He saw her questioning stare. "I'm taking it no one is supposed to know?"
"Michael, I do not want to talk about this with you." She felt guilty that Michael knew and John didn't. She planned on telling John before anyone else. "I would appreciate it if you didn't let news of this spread to anyone else." She could already imagine him telling Marcie and Marcie telling the world. They were a pair that didn't know the meaning of the word secret.
"I just wanted to see if you needed anything." He lied. He wanted to ask her why she hadn't told John, and when she would tell him. Surely news of his impending fatherhood would reel him in before he let this Natalie situation get out of hand.
"I'm fine. I just need to rest." She'd always liked Michael. She felt bad for brushing him off, but she didn't have the energy.
Michael ignored her request. This new information had renewed his energy and washed away his fatigue. "I'm guessing you haven't told John yet?" It really was just a guess, but he could tell by the expression on her face that she hadn't. "My brother is a very complicated man. I know I don't have to tell you that. No matter what, he will take care of you and the baby."
She flinched at his statement. The last thing she wanted to be as some obligation. "Michael, please."
"No, wait, E. Look, I've seen John like this before. It nearly drove him crazy when he was hunting for Caitlyn's killer. He was a man on a mission with nothing to lose. He put himself on the line with no regard for his own personal safety. There was nothing anyone could say or do to bring him back. You know, it was like he didn't have anything to live for. But this, this baby changes everything." Michael spoke almost excitedly. He and John hadn't been close for a long time when Caitlyn died. He saw his brother in pain and there was nothing he could do to reach him. This time he didn't want to just stand by and wait.
Evangeline looked at him apologetically. She'd had some time to think about it , and she knew what she needed to do. "This baby won't change anything, Michael. I'm not going to tell John."
"Not going to tell a man about his own child." He couldn't stop himself for shouting. "Not even if it could save his life. I wouldn't have expected you to be this cold.".
Evangeline laughed at the irony. "Then, I guess I'm more like your brother then I'd like."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He put his hands on his hips and started to pace the room. She could see that Michael too shared some similarities with John.
Evangeline didn't think it would hurt to tell Michael the truth. He was reasonable and understood that his brother's emotional baggage often complicated things. "I saw John yesterday, Michael. I wanted to tell him then. I wanted for us to be happy, but scared, together. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. I wanted to tell him to hurry and find Natalie so that we could get on with our lives. I wanted us to be together again." Now she could talk about it without crying or even tearing up. There wasn't much that could keep her spirits down.
"So, what happened? How did he screw it up?" Michael sighed. Sometimes he just wanted to strangle his brother.
"He doesn't care Michael, not about me." It still hurt to say it out loud, but Evangeline knew that coming to terms with that truth was necessary.
"You're kidding, right? I know he has trouble with certain words, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. It's like part of his charm. If you knew his past, you would understand." Michael thought for a moment about telling John's secret. He knew why John couldn't say I love you, and he might feel the same way if he had been in John's shoes.
"I can't guess at what John is feeling and I shouldn't have to. I can't imagine that there's something in his past that would stop him from showing compassion. I've seen him treat total strangers with more compassion." Evangeline was tired of Michael making excuses for his brother's immature behavior.
"You know it's hard for him because you're not a stranger. You're his ex who called him on his bullshit and walked out on him. He knows he let you down. Can you imagine how hard that is for him?" Michael sounded more like a mother than a brother.
"I don't have to imagine how hard it's been for me. I was in love with your brother, and when I asked for the same in return he gave me a weak excuse. Do you know how hard it was for me to watch him save Natalie first? I could see that she was in trouble. Do you know how horrible I felt? Wishing, hoping, praying that this would be the one time that John would make Natalie deal with the consequences of her actions. She was unconscious Michael. She was much worse off than I was." This was still a raw subject. She could no longer hold back her tears.
"I want to say that I was thinking about my child, but I can't even say that for sure. It was just some selfish desire be chosen first. I've always said I've had no regrets, but I'm not proud of what I felt."
"I'm sure anyone in your position would have felt the same way." Michael tried to comfort her. He forgot that Evangeline only played that tough girl. In the end she was just as human as everyone else.
"That's not even the worst part. John was with me when they said Natalie had been taken again. It took him a second to figure out it had been a game from the start. Then to see the look on his face when he realized what he'd done. I swear he looked at me like he'd wished I was the one that had been taken. It was like he made a terrible mistake. I think he was too tired to pretend like he cared when he came to see me. It hurt, but at least I know where we stand." Evangeline hated herself for crying again. She wasn't looking for sympathy.
Michael walked over and pulled her into much needed hug. He held her and wondered how in the world his brother could be such a complete and total ass. "I'm sorry, ok. I thought I understood."
"I'm not a complete bitch. I plan to tell him about the baby. I just want to wait until he brings Natalie home and catches the killer. I feel like him knowing now could distract him; it would make him lose focus. If' he's anything less than one hundred percent focused and something happens to Natalie, he'll beat himself up over it. I don't see any harm in waiting for a bit."
"I'm sorry for being such an ass." Michael spoke honestly. "I should have known better than to doubt you."
"You stick up for family. John might not appreciate you, but he's lucky to have you. Our baby will lucky to have such a loving uncle." Evangeline pulled out of his embrace. She was tired of crying.
Michael smiled at her kind words. In another life, he could easily see himself falling for Evangeline. "The kid will be more lucky to have you. I think you're going to make a great mom." He gave her a kiss on the forehead before deciding that he'd stressed her out enough. "You going to be okay alone?"
Evangeline looked over at the clock and nodded. "My mom will be here before long. I'll be alright until then." Michael gave her one final hug before he left. Evangeline had to admit that she felt a little better after talking to Michael, but he wasn't enough of a distraction.
She went back to what she'd been doing for most of the night and what she'd been doing before Michael's visit. She stared at the door waiting expectantly. She kept hoping that John would walk through that door at any moment. He'd apologize for the way he acted before. He'd tell her how sick with worry he'd been when he found out she was taken. For now, all she could do was sit and wait, but she wouldn't wait forever.