"Hey, uh, Sayori. Would you mind… coming over later?" I paced back and forth in my room, anxiously awaiting her response. I'd been drafting out how I was going to ask her to come over for at least an hour. I made it very clear to myself there would be no stuttering, no um's, and definitely no uh's. But once I called her, once I heard her voice go, "Hey!" after she picked up, all my composure melted away, my plans derailed by her beautiful voice long before I had any semblance of a chance.
"Yeah, of course! I'm not busy, so just text me whenever you want me to come over, alright?" I could hear the bubbliness in Sayori's voice. She enjoyed the prospect of seeing me. I felt a surge of confidence, enough to get out one last sentence.
"I can't wait!" And I hung up the phone.
Sayori had been my best friend basically all my life, and I realized something lately. That when you're that close with someone, when you click with someone on every level fathomable, that might be a sign you're destined for something different.
The more I thought about it the more right it felt. I imagined going out to the movies with Sayori, just like we did every Friday, but this time my arm is around her shoulders. We wait in line together, she complains about the long time until we reach the front, I crane my neck down a little to kiss the top of her pretty little head. I can't believe I went all this time without realizing just how badly I want that. How badly I've always wanted that. With no one other than Sayori!
I looked at my entire wardrobe, spread out on my bed. I was nervous. What do you wear to tell your best friend that you're hopelessly, desperately in love with her?
The answer to that question, surprisingly, was a black hoodie, and black jeans. Who knew.
It was time to pick out a movie to put on under the pretense of actually watching it, which means I had to pick one that Sayori would be interested in seeing, but one that she wouldn't get so enthralled in that she didn't want to talk during the movie. I must have searched through every movie ever filmed, before I found the perfect one. Scream. Sayori wasn't as big a fan of horror movies as I was, but the thought of her getting scared and retreating into me, snuggled together so she could feel safe, and I would get to hold her in my arms and say "I love you, Sayori…"
It was decided. We were watching Scream. Popcorn's in the microwave. Soda and cups were on the table. The lights were off. Very large blanket, perfect for two, just so happened to be on the couch, and oh no! Who could have foreseen it! The air conditioning must be cranked up or something, because it felt like the Antarctic in here, we would just have to take shelter together under the warmth of the covers.
Okay. Everything is ready. It's almost 8 PM. Everything is going to be different after today. For better or for worse. I have to let her know how I feel.
"Hey, Sayori? I'm all set. Come by whenever you're ready, okay?" I tried to add an element of tenderness to my voice, in the hopes Sayori would hear it and subconsciously detect a hint of what was to come. Instead, she replied with, "Bro, are you good? You're talking to me like my hamster just died or something."
I smiled, remembering another reason why I loved her. "Sayori, I would never joke about Mr. Bubbles like that." And we laughed together and I could hear her smile through the phone before leaving me with a, "Alright, give me a few minutes, I'm on my way."
I sat there in the living room, waiting on the couch for Sayori to burst through the door, flashing that big toothy smile, and my heart started to race. I wanted to calm down, I really did, but instead of actually trying to do that I imagined what it would be like when we were finally together. All those years people would see how close we were and say, "Wow you guys are so cute together!" and I'd shrug it off, and even our own parents would make jokes about how it was inevitable that we would get married someday, because "there's no one you'd rather spend the rest of your life with than your best friend" and all I ever did was roll my eyes. I would think, "Me? And Sayori? Married?" and laugh away, because that thought could never really be anything more than a joke. Until it wasn't.
Okay, seriously, maybe it's a bit preemptive to imagine myself marrying Sayori, and I don't even know how she feels yet, and oh my god I hadn't accounted for the possibility that she might reject me, what if I make it weird and I fracture our friendship, what if today is the last time she ever comes over, what if I lose the person most important to me in the-
A pair of hands covered my eyes, and I descended into darkness. Before I even had a chance to panic, a familiar voice sung out, "Guess who!" and collapsed into a fit of giggles, leaving me with no other option but to join in. I felt my anxiety melt away. Sayori's my best friend. I could never love someone else even half as much as I do her. Even if Sayori tells me tonight she's not interested in a romantic relationship with me, it's okay. We'll always have each other. And that's more than enough for me.
Sayori tapped the side of my head. "Hellooooo? We were laughing and suddenly you just started spacing out. Am I boring you already?" Sayori pretended to look down and pout, but could only hold the frown for a couple of seconds before she started laughing again.
God, her smile is so infectious. I can't believe I went all this time without realizing I was in love with her.
"Soooo, what are we watching?"
"It's a horror movie, it's called-"
"Oh! What's that smell!" Sayori whipped around, completely disinterested in the movie we were going to watch, and infatuated with the smell of popcorn emanating from the kitchen.
I watched as she disappeared, following her nose to the source, and I took a minute to appreciate her outfit. Sayori has always had an eye for fashion, and while she resents the fact that she's bound by a uniform at school, she makes up for it ten fold by consistently dressing in a manner that blows everyone else out of the water every time the opportunity arises. Even now, to hang out at my house, barely 30 feet away, Sayori wore a pair of black short shorts, and a bright pink oversized hoodie,because "just because you're comfy doesn't mean you shouldn't be pretty!". Jesus christ, she's just so beautiful. I always felt like I paled a little bit in comparison, because more often that not I was in my staple black jeans and black hoodie, and in the summers I tended to shake it up with a black tee to show off my wild side, but tonight I found myself wondering for the first time whether my wardrobe (or lack thereof) was insufficient. After all, if I saw myself out with someone like Sayori, my first thought would probably be, "What's she doing with that chump?"
She came back with the biggest bowl I had, full to the brim with popcorn.
She plopped down on the couch, set the bowl down next to her, and patted the spot on the other side of her.
"Come on! We gonna watch this movie, or what!" She stuck her tongue out at me, and looked at my expectantly.
I sat down next to her, and put on the movie.
"We're watching Scream, Say. Is that cool?" I didn't make eye contact with her, instead just staring at the screen, because now I felt a little guilty engineering all this just so Sayori would maybe get close to me, instead of picking a movie I knew she would like. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her purse her lips, but only for a second. After that she reverted back to her trademark smile and said, "That's fine with me! It's not like those kinds of movies are actually scary. If anything, I think they're funny!" I could hear Sayori suppressing laughter because both she and I knew how she detested horror movies, and yet, she agreed (if not wholeheartedly) to watch it with me. I got up to turn off the lights, sat back down next to my best friend, and wondered how in the world I was supposed to confess to her that I was head over heels in love with her.
The movie played. Sayori and I were under the blanket together. A respectful distance away from each other, but still together. I wished we were closer. I wished my arms were around her, I wished neither of us were even bothering pretending to be interested, I wished my lips were pressed against hers, I wished my hands could explore every inch of Sayori, so I could learn brand new things about her, like the way she feels, the way she moves, the way she tast-
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK" I was startled out of my trance by Sayori shrieking next to me. I chuckled, but Sayori didn't notice because she was too busy getting closer to me.
"Listen, I'm not scared or anything, but I think you would feel a lot better if you gave me a hug." Sayori insisted, in a joking manner but very serious about the reassurance she was seeking.
I thought, "Oh, you don't even know how right you are, Say" but what I said was, "You're right, I'm terrified beyond belief, please Brave Knight Sayori, allow me to embrace you so as to be enveloped in your protection, both physically as well as emotionally, shielded from demons of every variety, because your sword doubles as a shield against evil" I joked with Sayori, but there was absolutely nothing I wanted more than to hold her in my arms, and thus I held them out underneath the blanket, and she positioned herself in between, so I could hold onto her. Clearly this was meant to not be a regular hug, as Sayori (and definitely I) were in no rush to release any time soon, and suddenly I got my wish. Well, the start of my wish. Sayori was here. As close to me as she could be. It was surreal. It was what I had wanted for my whole life.
The movie was almost over. I was pretty sure the killer had recently been revealed, but I couldn't be entirely sure because about halfway through I had just started fantasizing about my future with Sayori, making mental lists of cute dates to take her on, when she tapped me on the cheek.
"Hellooo, anyone in there? The popcorn's empty, and as the guest, I don't believe you would have the audacity to be so rude as even imply that-" I got up from my seat on the couch, ending Sayori's monologue of sarcasm.
"Anything for you, my highness. Would you like a drink as well? Need a back massage? I'll do anything you inquire." Sayori and I laughed at our nonsensical ramblings, and I left the room to fill the popcorn bowl. I didn't actually need Sayori to tell me if she wanted a drink, because I knew her favorite and made sure I was stocked with it hours ago, so I could surprise her with it tonight.
I joined Sayori in the living room, put on my most confident smile, and said, "Hey, Say, guess what I've got!" I raised the cup high into the air, and Sayori's eyes grew wide, basking in its glow. "Is that- no, it can't be!" Sayori gasped.
"Ah,but it is!" I retorted, trying my best to keep from breaking character and laughing.
"Is that the modern day equivalent of holy water, Mountain Dew Baja Blast?!" Sayori leapt up from her seat on the couch to take it from me, and I promptly handed it to her. She took a sip while I set the popcorn down on the table, and when I next looked at her I could see the bliss in her eyes. I chuckled, gave her a quick curtsy, and got back down under the blanket, patting the spot next to me.
"So, Say, you gonna sit back down or-"
She swallowed. Loud. Loud enough that I lost any semblance of a train of thought. I looked up at Sayori, standing in front of the couch, empty cup in hand, beaming like she had just won a decisive victory in drawn out war.
"Sayori, what the absolute fuck was that? I think my heart almost stopped!" I had to keep myself from losing it with laughter, purely because I wanted to hear her response to that absolutely gargantuan gulp.
"I drank the entire thing. In one go. I wanted to see if I could. And guess what? I could. I'm more powerful than you could even imagine." Sayori beamed, proud of what what was probably her very first world record.
I didn't have the heart to tell her she had a Mountain Dew mustache above her upper lip. I'd rather let her live in blissful ignorance.
Sayori reclaimed her spot beside me, under the covers. "You know, this really wasn't all that scary, for a movie called Scream. I was expecting way worse." She leaned down, resting her head on my shoulder. I prayed that she couldn't hear my heartbeat instantly double.
"Oh? You want me to put on something scarier?" I wanted to chuckle, to indicate I was joking, but I was scared if i moved my shoulders too much in the process Sayori would move. And I wanted nothing more in the world than for her to stay right where she was.
Okay. They always say you can't wait for the right time, you have to make it the right time.
"Hey, Say? Do you think we could talk about something?"
Sayori tilted her head up at me, thankfully not leaving her spot on my shoulder. She peered up at me, her wide eyes twinkling in the darkness.
"Anything. What's up?" I could hear the curiosity in her voice. She wants to hear what I have to say. But will she want to have heard it when I've said it? What if I irreparably damage our friendship if she doesn't share the same feelings? What if she gets weirded out by my confession, and I create a rift between us? Never again will Sayori rest her head on my shoulder, come over for a movie night just the two of us. Is it worth risking it all to gain more?
"I picked the first movie, so I figured you could pick the next one. Any ideas?"
"Hmmmmmmmm…"
While Sayori contemplated, I reflected on my decision. Sayori was- no, Sayori is- the love of my life. I can't put what I have with her in jeopardy. I love her too much.
I don't even remember what the movie Sayori put on was called, let alone what it was about. I was enthralled by her. What if I just
"Hey, Sayori. I love you."
My mouth opened and said it before I could stop myself. But I wanted to tell her. I needed her to know how I felt.
"I love you too!" Sayori turned her head and flashed me a quick smile before focusing her attention back on the movie.
I don't know why I expected anything different. I tell Sayori I love her every time we say goodbye. Still felt nice to hear it though. Maybe someday I'll tell her how I love her, and she'll flash me that toothy smile and lean in for a kiss, and I'll close my eyes and lean in towards her, and I'll feel what it's like to kiss her for the first time. I bet her lips are soft, and she tastes like strawberries, or some other obscure fruit, and after a while I could put one of my hands down on her thighs, slowly moving it up while I convey to Sayori how much I love with my lips, without saying a word. The look in her eyes when we pull away, and the way we smile at-
I became acutely aware that the low din of the movie, that I had been actively tuning out, was no longer present. It was silent. I looked over at Sayori, in the vain hope that maybe she had also not recognized the movie had ended, and found her intently staring at me.
"Uh, Say? You good?" I chuckled, trying to make her seem like the weird one, as though I weren't just fantasizing about her a second ago.
"I asked you what you thought of the movie and you muttered back something about 'strawberries and other obscure fruits.' Can I ask you something?"
My heart started pounding. The disapproval in her voice made it obvious. She doesn't love me. Not like I love her. My aspirations for the future, torn away before I ever had the opportunity to even begin to realize them.
"Do you genuinely think strawberries are obscure fruits? Or was that just terrible phrasing?" Sayori's voice lifted, her smile returned, and the laughter began. Sayori thought I was telling a really bad joke, and I was just so relieved, I had to join in and laugh with her.
I puffed out my chest. "I will have you know, only 1 in 10 people have ever actually seen a strawberry in person. They're that rare. If you know 2 people who say they've seen one, one of them is certainly lying." I nodded my head, to really assert that I knew what I was talking about.
That's how we spent the rest of the night. Laughing. Telling jokes. Laughing some more.
I didn't ever get the courage to tell her how I felt. We love each other. Why isn't that enough for me?
8:00 am. I was greeted by the familiar sound of my morning alarm. I decided to lay in bed for a little while, and attempt (futilely) to grasp onto the remnants of my dream. All I could clearly remember was Sayori. I could still feel the warmth of her body against my chest as I held her as close as I could. But that was all.
"Okay", I thought to myself," you can never make that dream a reality if you don't get up right now. You absolutely have to go to school so you can see Sayori."
I don't know who my brain thinks I am. Like I'd fall for that.
Less than 5 minutes later I was waiting in front of Sayori's house so we could walk to school together. My heart fluttered in a similar manner as the butterflies in my stomach. I've seen her every day for years and yet only recently have I ever gotten like this.
I was broken out of my stupor by my favorite person in the world, calling to me from outside her house.
"Hey! I don't know how you got out here so early, I was so tired from last night I seriously thought about skipping today." She laughed as she walked toward me, and I thought about how if Sayori had texted me, "I'm not coming today" I would have immediately walked back in my house, up the stairs, into bed, and spent the whole day planning various ways to confess my undying love for my best friend.
"We still could, you know. Except instead of staying in bed and doing nothing, we could stay in bed and do nothing together." I joked, but I wasn't actually joking, I was hoping with every fiber of my being Sayori would say, "You have no idea how bad I want to spend the whole with you and you alone!"
"You know what? That doesn't sound so bad. Let's just like. Not go!" Sayori smiled at me, and I felt unparalleled joy.
"Sooooo, what do you wanna do then. Hang at my place, or something?" I tried to play it cool, but I think Sayori could sense how giddy I was just beneath the surface.
She smiled back at me, without saying anything.
I waited for what felt like hours. Maybe she's thinking about what she wants to do? Maybe she was kidding and she's wondering why I want to spend the day with her so badly. But I could always just say it's because she's my best friend, who I love so much, who I want to put her head in my lap, while I gently caress her hair, lean down and give her a light kiss on the forehead, just to remind her that I do and always will love her with every ounce of my heart…
Sayori still hadn't said anything. I, for once in my life, took action.
"Actually, yeah. Let's hang at my place. Let's change out of our uniforms, and I'll see you in a couple minutes?"
My heart nearly burst out of my chest.
Sayori looked at my inquisitively for a minute, as though she sensed the immense courage this seemingly innocuous invitation took, and nodded her head, flashing her bright smile at me.
"I'll be over in a couple minutes."
I watched as she turned right back around, her short hair lightly bouncing with each step. She disappeared within the boundaries of her home, and I started making my way back into my own home.
I'm gonna do it today. I'm going to tell Sayori I'm in love with her.