Saying Goodbye
By
Kevin Kalis
(A/N): This story was written for only one person, and I'm not giving out names. She knows who she is. It might sound a little depressing, but it's something that I had an absolute need to write about. Every word below is 100 percent true and directly from me. I only wrote it to get it off my chest but I think it relates to a lot of people out there. But even so this story is, was, and always will be for only one person.
I was never very good at leaving people. I hate the grief I cause them. I move around a lot, so I have to leave people close to me all the time. But I don't think I will ever forget the single moment. That moment when you realize that you may never see this person, this person who has become so close to your heart, again. I hate that moment. I am only sixteen but I have seen that moment more times than I care to remember. What's always worse is when you see your friend realize the exact same thing next to you. I have never been any good at that. But I am learning how to cope with it.
I hate the feeling. Whenever I have to leave I always get this feeling that sends fear down to my very core. I am very protective of my friends. I always look out for them, do what's best for them and, if need be, give them a swift kick in the ass. But whenever I leave I can't help but think that if I'm not there, if I can't be standing right beside them, then I won't be able to help them. To protect them. To save them. The combination of fear, guilt, and sadness is overwhelming. But I can never show it. I have to be strong. Not for me, but for everyone else. If I tell them how much it hurts, they will either miss me way more, or they will be totally indifferent which is far, far worse.
In less than one week, I will have a move like never before. I currently am in the process of leaving Texas. In all honesty, I used to hate almost everything about Texas. Then, a single event changed my entire view of it. A single person. She used to be just a friend of a friend but,in only a short time, she became the closest person in the world to me. She became my best friend and confidante. The person I turned to when all else failed. She became MY protector. Whether I knew it or not in the ninth grade, the person I met in the library would become the closest thing to family I had ever really had.
It was the third day of ninth grade at my new school. I was talking to my new friend Travis in front of the library. When the doors opened we met up his other friend, Landon, started talking with us as we entered. We continued to talk about nothing in particular and then it happened. She walked in wearing what I would later recognize as her signature outfit. A red hoodie and a plain pair of slightly worn jeans.
I was such an idiot. I should have invited her and the short, brown haired girl standing next to her to stay and hang out. If I had known how close she would end up being to me, I know I would have. Instead I only said a brief "Hey." and let her walk away.
The truth is that we only really became close friends at the last 4 months of ninth grade. If there is a God, I've got to thank him a thousand times for those few months when I finally meet him face to face.
She is like no other friend I have ever had. She stuck with me. Through thick and thin, good times and bad, she's helped me through it all. Why in the hell she did it, I never knew but I never really thanked her for that. I've thanked her for all she did which, mind you was a damn lot, but I never thanked her for what mattered to me most. For being there. She stayed and thats more than I can say for my closest friends and even my so called "Family".
She is like no one else: special, unique. She is bold and brave at times, but can be equally sensitive and caring. I laugh when she insults me or calls me a dumb ass, because I know that she's not really trying to insult me. I laugh whenever she punches me playfully or, one time, messed with my hair because that's just what she does. My favorite times are the few that happened when we were alone. I got to see a side of her that only a few people will ever get the privilege of seeing. A lot of people will only ever see her false bravado, but underneath it she is an incredibly loving and kind person. Not that she would ever admit it to me. Even under pain of death I would never tell it to anyone but, those quiet times were always the best.
My biggest regret in the whole damn world is that I didn't help her anywhere near as much as she helped me. I tried my best, but I really just suck at putting my thoughts into speech. Thats why I write. I write to say things that my speech never could. I suck at speaking, at fixing things, and at helping. But most of all, I absolutely suck at saying goodbye. Right now, I'm more afraid than I have ever been before. I am afraid to say goodbye to her. Because if I say goodbye, that makes this all real. If I say goodbye, I'm really going. And most of all, if I say goodbye, I might never see her again.
I have had too many friendships die because over the years we lost contact. If that happens now, with her, I don't know if I could handle it. I know that I will never be able to put any of these thoughts into my own words. So that's why I wrote this. To put on paper the thoughts that I will never have the courage to say. To write what I have been thinking. To say thank you. To say goodbye.