All I Have to Give
Chapter One
"Merlin," she sighed, snuggling contentedly into his chest.
"I love you, Morgana," he murmured, gently tightening his arms around her.
Morgana smiled and flushed with pleasure at the sound of her name falling from his lips. "And I you, Merlin," she answered softly.
They had been secretly seeing each other for a month, taking every opportunity they could. The two of them had begun to live in a world of stolen kisses in dark corners of corridors and sneaking to her chambers late at night for time alone, but they were always careful for fear of being caught. It would mean certain death for Merlin if they were. Now though, they lay in Morgana's bed in a quiet hour of the morning, wrapped tenderly in each other's embrace.
"Merlin?" Morgana asked hesitantly.
"Yes, Morgana?" The worry brought on by her unusual hesitancy was clearly etched in every fine line of his features.
"You've been away most every night. Is Gaius not suspicious?"
Merlin smiled softly at her concern and smoothed the hair back from her face. "No, Morgana, I do not believe he is suspicious. He sleeps so deeply, I doubt he even knows I leave."
She wondered if his words were true or only meant to soothe her. She didn't care either way, for she lay there, safe and content, in Merlin's loving embrace.
"Morgana," he murmured into her hair.
"Yes?" she asked, glancing at the gradually lightening window and dreading the words she knew she would soon hear.
"Darling Morgana," he whispered, pressing his lips lovingly to the top of her head. "I love you."
She smiled into his chest. "As I love you, Merlin," she murmured in response.
He rose from the bed slowly and reluctantly, extricating himself as gently as possible from her arms. She sighed as she watched him go, unwilling to release him. "Is it truly that late already?"
"Unfortunately it is," he answered, bending to kiss her one last time.
"Shall I see you again tomorrow night?" she asked.
"Do you think it wise?" he queried.
She grimaced. "Perhaps not..." she trailed off somewhat wistfully.
He smiled. "I shall come to you at the usual time?"
She nodded. "Earlier, if possible."
Merlin chuckled. "Of course, darling," he agreed.
He crept quietly out of her chambers and returned to Gaius's rooms.
"Merlin," Gaius, the kindly old court physician, said, looking up in surprise as Merlin walked through the door. "What are you doing up at this early hour? Where have you been?"
Merlin looked at him, suppressing a smile. "Nowhere," he answered. "What are you doing up?" he challenged in his turn, trying to turn to conversation away from him.
Gaius frowned at this obvious attempt to change the topic, but decided to answer the younger man's question anyway. "There was much work to be done. I thought I would get an early start." Then he returned to his main point of interest. "So where were you? You are never up this early if you can help it."
"Out," Merlin answered evasively. He did not want to tell Gaius he had been with Morgana.
"Obviously," Gaius agreed dryly. "Out where?"
Merlin shrugged nonchalantly, as though it did not really matter. "Places."
"To see a girl?" The older man guessed shrewdly, shooting him a look.
"No..." Merlin's face was red enough to give him away. "Of course not..."
"Who is she?"
"Nobody."
Gaius frowned thoughtfully, clearly speculating internally on the identity of the girl that had Merlin behaving so strangely. Merlin turned to enter his room, a goofy grin plastered across his tomato red face.
†††††
The following night Morgana was tormented by nightmares more vivid and terrifying than any she had ever had before.
Burning. She was burning. The sensation was overwhelming. She glanced down and saw the flames, bright and terrifying, licking at the wood, waiting to engulf her. The heat was becoming unbearable. She wanted to cry out from the pain the terror, but she refused to. Instead, she held her head high, glaring at the man who had done this to her.
"For my death, Uther Pendragon, you shall pay. But for the death of my child, you shall burn in hell forever!" Her terror and anguish were not so much for her as for the child she carried. Merlin's child. The flames licked higher on the pyre, moving toward her skirts, lighting them with an agonizing heat.
She heard pounding hoof beats and tears started to fall from her eyes. She knew it was Merlin, returning from Ealdor where he had been visiting his mother. Morgana had desperately hoped that he would not return until it was over. The thought of the agony she knew would be written on Merlin's face was overpowering. She didn't want him to suffer more than was necessary.
"Morgana!" She heard his desperate cry ringing through the courtyard. He dismounted and ran toward her, only to be stopped by a knight of Camelot.
"Nobody passes here," the knight said stoically.
Merlin fought to pass him, to reach where Morgana was bound above the crackling flames.
"Merlin," she whispered desperately. A broken sob escaped her throat. And then the pain was too much. Unbearable.
†††††
She woke screaming.
Gwen raced into the room from an antechamber. "My lady," she said, sitting next to Morgana on the bed and reaching for her shoulders comfortingly. "What happened?"
Morgana was often grateful that Gwen knew better than to ask if she was alright. She wrapped her around her knees, rocking slowly and sobbing as though her heart would break as the images from her dream replayed themselves in her head.
"Morgana?" All formality had dropped from the maid's countenance, replaced by concern for her friend.
"Merlin." Morgana managed only the one word, but it was clear to Gwen what her mistress wanted.
"I'll fetch him," Gwen said as she pulled away slowly, reluctant to leave her terrified friend's side for even a moment. She rushed through the castle, calling desperately for Merlin, knowing he wouldn't be wandering the halls at this hour, but anxious to return to Morgana's bedside.
The door beside her opened to reveal Arthur, crown prince of Camelot, a look of irritation on his face. "What on earth is going on, Guinevere?" he demanded.
"Morgana is extremely upset. She's had another nightmare and is asking for Merlin."
"Merlin?" Arthur asked, startled.
Gwen nodded, curious as well. "I don't know why."
"Go back to Morgana. I'll find Merlin."
"Sire," Gwen replied, bowing her head and racing back to Morgana's side.
"My lady," she said upon re-entering the room.
Morgana glanced up. "Merlin?" she asked softly. Desperately.
"Arthur went to find him. He should be here shortly." She reached out to touch her mistress's arm and was startled when Morgana jerked away. "Morgana?" Gwen asked anxiously. Morgana shrank away from her friend's contact.
Moments later Merlin burst through the door, followed closely by Arthur and Gaius. Gaius had changed from the nightshirt Merlin had last seen him in to his usual brown court robes.
"Morgana, what is it? What's wrong?" Merlin asked, sitting before her on the bed. Morgana finally allowed the sobs to break free as she threw her arms around Merlin's neck. He wrapped his arms tenderly around her waist, shifting slightly so it was easier to hold her. "Shh, Morgana, shh," he whispered comfortingly. "It's alright. You're safe. I'm here. It's alright."
She pulled herself tighter to him, wanting the pain and terror to leave. "It was so horrible!" she cried into his shoulder.
"What was it, Morgana?" he asked softly.
She glanced at the people surrounding her. Though she loved them all, she did not want them present for this. She would have to speak to Gaius about it tomorrow and she would confide in Gwen later, but Arthur must not know and she wanted only Merlin to hear it at this moment.
Merlin's eyes followed hers and he spoke softly. "Do you think you could give us a moment, please?" he asked.
Though surprised at the turn of events, all obliged. Arthur was the most reluctant, but did not want to risk upsetting Morgana even more than she clearly already was.
When they had gone and the door had clicked shut behind them, Merlin turned back to Morgana. "What is it?" he whispered, shifting to a more comfortable position on the bed.
She described the dream to him, including every searing detail her tortured mind could recall.
"Why were you being burned?" he inquired gently when she had finished.
"I don't know," she answered tearfully.
Merlin tightened his arms around her. "It's alright," he murmured. "It was far enough in the future, obviously, that we still have time to prevent it."
"How? We don't even know what caused it!"
"I know, but we'll figure it out. I promise I will not rest until this is over."
She smiled softly at him. "Thank you. What if you simply do not go to Ealdor?"
He sighed. "That does seem to be the easiest answer, but for how long? We have no way of knowing how far in the future this is. I did plan to visit my mother soon."
"Then may I come with you?"
"Well, I suppose you could... if you want to..."
"Of course I do!"
"Do you think the king would let you? That's the biggest problem."
She sighed. "No, he will not. But I went with you once before."
"Yes, but Arthur and Gwen were also there..."
"Then please, do not go. For me?"
He frowned, trying to figure a solution out. "Alright," he finally conceded.
She smiled slightly. "Thank you."
He nodded, knowing that this was not a permanent solution. "Of course, Morgana."
The door opened to reveal Arthur standing there, glaring at the two of them where they cuddled on the bed. "Is everything alright?" he demanded.
Morgana looked at him in irritation. "Yes, Arthur, I am fine."
Merlin chuckled at the mild animosity between them.
Arthur nodded. "Time to get back home, then, Merlin," he said curtly.
Morgana and Merlin shared a small secret smile. "Of course," Merlin replied, rising and gently releasing Morgana. I love you, he mouthed from where Arthur couldn't see him.
She smiled at him, grateful that he was there for her. "Thank you, Merlin," she murmured, glancing down demurely.
"You are welcome, my lady," he answered, bowing low for everyone else's benefit.
When they had all gone, Morgana turned to Gwen.
"My lady," Gwen said softly. Confusion showed in her dark eyes.
"Gwen," Morgana smiled at her friend halfheartedly. "Thank you. I... went a little crazy..."
"As you are entitled to, my lady. Everyone does, particularly in moments of fright," the maid interrupted.
"Thank you, Gwen."
"I apologize, I should not have..." Gwen quickly amended, realizing how rude that must have sounded.
"It is fine."
"I only meant..."
"I know. You're right, everyone has the right to crazy moments, even nobility."
Gwen nodded.
"Thank you for being so quick to understand what I wanted when..." Morgana trailed off, unsure she wanted to finish the thought.
"When you asked for Merlin, more or less?"
Morgana blushed. "Yes," she answered. She wondered at the dream for making her forget the dangers of asking for Merlin. She had needed him so badly... How could she have been so stupid? Their entire relationship was now in jeopardy. Merlin's life was now in danger. "I do not know why I..."
Gwen smiled knowingly. "You care for him, Morgana, it is clear to see." Morgana's eyes grew panicked and her breathing accelerated at her friend's words. "My lady?" Gwen asked in concern.
"Gwen, I must ask you something. Swear to me that you shall answer honestly."
"Of course, my lady," Gwen answered, somewhat taken aback.
"Am I truly so transparent?"
The maid remained silent for a long moment as she thought over the implications of the question and the necessary nuances of her answer. "Not to everyone," she said finally.
"But I am to you?"
"I'm afraid so, my lady. I have known you long enough that it would be difficult for you to hide something like this from me."
This could prove to be problematic or useful. "Then no one else knows?" Morgana asked in an attempt to reassure herself.
"Aside from Merlin and yourself, no. Even Arthur does not suspect it. Though after tonight you will both have to work very hard to convince him that there is nothing between you."
Morgana sighed in relief. At least there was that. "It must remain that way," she insisted.
"Of course. I won't tell anyone. I'll help arrange for a rendezvous on occasion, if you would like," her friend answered immediately, proving her loyalty once again.
"Thank you, Gwen," she said, a genuine smile breaking across her face.
"Of course. Now, it's late. You must sleep."
The king's ward nodded and slid down beneath the covers. "Goodnight, Gwen."
"Goodnight, my lady," the girl answered, blowing out the candle and leaving Morgana alone in the dark once more.