1975
He had entered the apartment, prepared to drop off some contracts and leave. Instead, he found himself seated on the sofa in her living room, half expectant, half concerned.
He watched her with mild curiosity as she folded and kneaded her hands.
Why she had invited him in? He had no idea.
She had insisted on spending time away from the mansion, with the promise to work over the holidays, and had politely declined any offer to stay with the young Sheffield family.
Naturally, Niles had assumed she had obligations with her own family.
Then, in the middle of Christmas Eve, she had called the mansion and asked for some contracts she had forgotten there, and somehow Niles had ended up with the task of delivering them to her. And oddly enough, when he had shown up at her door, she had asked him to come in.
And that was the story of how he had ended up in her living room.
At first, she had busied herself with putting away the documents Niles had brought her, but then, as if she had suddenly remembered she had a guest, halted in her movement and slowly turned around to face him. She smiled at him and seemed to ponder for a moment about what she wanted to say.
"I- uhm… would you like something to drink?" she finally offered.
He cleared his throat. "A cup of tea would be nice, thank you."
"Sure," she answered and made her way into the kitchen with an unfamiliar air of hospitality.
Niles frowned. If the situation hadn't been so peculiar, he would have asked what was going on, but something about this setup seemed so strange…
He looked around the apartment. In a corner to his right, folders over folders were stacked on a shelf, each with a different label. On his left, there were heaps of papers piled neatly on her dining table, an abandoned Lean Cuisine in the midst of it.
Above the table, on the adjacent wall hung a painting by an artist Niles felt he should have recognized, but before he could dwell on it too much, CC had come back from the kitchen, two steaming mugs in her hands.
"Thank you," Niles murmured as she placed one of them on the table in front of him.
She nodded, seemingly lost in thought.
When a few moments had passed and neither of them had said anything, he cleared his throat and spoke.
"So… why am I here?"
"Excuse me?"
"You know… why… how come you invited me in? Aren't you going to spend Christmas with your family?"
She frowned.
"Oh, you know my mother always has a lot of errands to run, and my father has a multi-million-dollar cooperation, so naturally his schedule is pretty packed, and – "
"They're not coming, are they?" he wondered and she averted her eyes.
"No." She let out a dry, hollow laugh. Sighing, she shrugged. "Nope, once again they have decided to save me the drama."
He tried not to look at her as to not make her feel self-conscious and uncomfortable and instead looked out of the window where the snow was falling, and the city covered under snow. Then, he noticed something standing in the corner near the window. Almost to his surprise, he realized that it was a Christmas tree, undecorated and bare before his eyes. Boxes filled with ornaments were stuffed under the tree as though they were Christmas presents waiting for someone to unwrap them.
"I've never had a real Christmas," she said, catching his gaze. "I don't even know why I got the tree."
Niles halted, and turned to look at her, her face in a frown.
"I somehow thought that once I have my own career… I'd have something to come home to. Instead, it's the same empty apartment."
Niles remained silent.
She suddenly stiffened, shook her head and brought her left hand up to cover her mouth. "I don't know why I just told you that." She straightened up and fussed with her clothing. "Niles," she addressed him, looking firmly in his direction, but with her eyes fixed on a spot slightly above his left shoulder, "thank you for delivering these contracts. Please tell – "
"Hold up, Babcock," he protested and got up, his hand held up in the air, silencing her momentarily. "You can't throw me out because you decide to be uncomfortable all of a sudden. I didn't do anything wrong."
"-please tell Maxwell and Sara I said Merry Christmas. Have a safe ride home," she continued monotonously, seemingly unimpressed by his outburst.
"You think you are the only one whose life sucks, don't you?"
She blinked.
"Well, let me tell you a story. I wanted to be a barrister. Now I am scrubbing toilets for a living."
He could see the emotions flicker through her eyes. In a way he knew she was in the process of deciding whether she wanted to comment on what he had just said, or continue to kick him out. In some moments he would know if he was allowed to stay… or not.
"Well, you can hardly compare our situations," she finally said.
"Did I mention I went to Oxford?" he offered.
She stared at him, unbelieving, and he stared back at her as to prove his point.
"You didn't!"
"I did!"
"Let me get this straight," she said, and he noticed with relief that her posture relaxed a bit, "you went to one of the world's most prestigious universities" – he nodded – "to study – what? – butlery 101?"
The grin on her face was now hard to ignore.
"Well no, I did study law…," he demurred evasively.
"This has got to be the most pathetic thing I have ever heard."
"I'm glad you feel better," he answered, grimacing.
"No, I'm sorry. I am!"
She bit her lips, trying to contain her laughter. Somehow, Niles was sure that the story he had just shared would one day come back to haunt him, but he found that her laughter was a price he was willing to pay. He slightly shook his head at the realization.
"You know you could always spend Christmas at the mansion?" Niles inquired carefully as if not to disturb the quiet peace they had acquired.
"And watch them kiss and cuddle and be all lovey-dovey? Please!" she replied, grinning, and Niles chuckled.
"True."
She left the spot she had stood on for the last couple of minutes and headed over to the wet bar.
"Whiskey?" she offered, obviously still amused by his law student turned butler way of life, and at the same time somewhat assured by their shared misery.
As a response, he grinned and she tucked the whiskey bottle under her arm and reached for two glasses. She jogged over to the sofa on which Niles had sat down again, placed the glasses on the marble table and unscrewed the cap of the bottle, pouring a generous amount of the amber fluid into both the glasses before she handed one to him.
"To being bitter!" she toasted, letting herself fall on the sofa next to him.
"To being bitter!" he repeated and smirked, clanking his glass against hers.
1977
The drum roll of her fingernails against the wood of the table was the first thing he heard when he entered CC's apartment. She had opened the door for him, but in the time it had taken the elevator to reach the fifth floor, she had retreated back into her apartment, leaving the door open.
He entered the apartment, slightly out of breath, his hair dishevelled. Her voice met him before her eyes did.
"You're late."
At a first glance, her voice seemed cold, and had he been any other person, he might have been inclined to leave.
"I know," he sighed, obviously somewhat exhausted. "I'm sorry, I wanted to get you a little something for Christmas, but then Mr. Sheffield wanted me to make him some tea – like I have nothing else to do. 'Niles, old man, make me some of that lemon tea, would you?' So I put the kettle on and gave him instructions. And he said, 'Ah, you make it just perfect, I'm afraid I would mess it up. Would you terribly mind?' And I said, 'Actually, sir, I' – but he cut me off and said 'Thank you, Niles, I really appreciate it! Oh, and I'd like a sundae. Don't forget the sprinkles, you know I like them!' and walked right out the door, so I kinda had no choice. And once I had finished with that, I was already somewhat late, but then, once I was on the subway, a woman kept blocking the door and then I was late to pick up your present and had to settle for another thing and," he sighed, "then I forgot it in the taxi just now."
The words spilled out of him, as he was desperately trying to explain himself to CC. When he had finished, a few moments of silence passed between them.
"Niles," she said with a calmness that concerned him, "it doesn't matter."
He stood rooted to the spot for some moments, trying to process and comprehend what she had just said. Afraid she would try to throw him out again, his vocal tract developed a life of its own again.
"I am terribly sorry, and I wish I at least had the present to make up for it – although it wasn't the present I actually wanted to give to you, but I wish I – "
"Niles," she repeated, softer, "it doesn't matter."
And it began to dawn on him what she meant. She got up from the chair and slowly took a few steps towards him, a mild smile on her lips.
"You came, and that is all that matters."
His eyes met hers with a puzzled look.
"You're going to let me off the hook that easily?" he asked, still not entirely convinced she was being sincere.
"Surprisingly, yes," she said, a smile on her lips. "You're an idiot for doing everything Maxwell asks of you," she continued seriously, "but you still came. You could have called and cancelled or something, but you came, and that is more than anyone else has ever done for me."
"Oh Miss Babcock…" he began.
"But don't get all mushy on me! I didn't ask you to come here so you could feel sorry for me. I wouldn't have needed to decorate the tree for that" she reminded him and her words immediately sobered him up.
For the first time since he had entered the apartment, he fully took in the beauty of the tree that stood illuminated in front of the window. Whereas the first year the decorations had been hidden in boxes under the tree, and last year he had helped her decorate it, this year's fir tree was shining red and golden, ornaments and tinsels sparkling in the soft light the Christmas lights provided.
Niles nodded approvingly.
"Good job, Babcock! It must have been hard for you to do it, once it is so different from your family's usual rituals." He smirked.
"Better!" she grinned.
She went over to the stereo and turned it up until Silent Night filled their ears.
"Care to dance?" she asked.
"Do I have a choice?"
"No."
She smiled broadly as she took the hand he had extended to her. He pulled her close, placing his left hand on the small of her back. They danced like that for a while, their feet moving in unified synchrony, before he spun her away only to bring her close again.
"You are actually a pretty good dancer."
"You sound as though you're surprised," Niles mused.
"I am!" she responded, "From the way you go moping around the house all day, I'd have thought differently."
"She who has the biggest hooves – "
"Oh, please!" she scoffed, as if offended, but drew him closer, "The one time I pay you a compliment!"
"Oh, alright," he relented.
It should have come as no surprise to him that she enjoyed their dance together, after all, she had initiated it. But it still dazed him how willing she was to have him close and how much she enjoyed his company. This annual truce was something neither of them had ever uttered or consented to; it had just happened, which wasn't to say that they didn't enjoy it.
The song was nearing its last few bars when he twirled her through her linked arms, and she was back with him when it ended.
1995
The fire in the fireplace crackled, and its warmth radiated to the sofa on which CC had sat down, reclined, her feet tucked under a blanket. Sinatra's voice filled the air, proclaiming some idea of a wonderful, love and joy-filled Christmas. Yet it did little to relieve CC's gloomy mood. In fact, it made her resent the situation more. She stared out of the window, watching the snowflakes fall from the skies to the ground, dancing in the cold winter air. In the corner of her eye she could see the Christmas lights on her tree twinkling.
From the looks of it, it was a Christmas just like any other. However, it wasn't; this Christmas lacked something and she was painfully aware what – who – it was. She closed her eyes, breathing in deeply, then out. In hindsight, she herself was surprised how well it had gone all these years. If anything, she would have expected them to quarrel earlier. They had never had an agreement on this whole Christmas business… yet ever since they had sort of by accident established this tradition of spending Christmas together, she had somehow come to expect it would always be like this. And now she didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry at her own stupidity. She wasn't sorry to say she had gotten used to spending the holidays with the butler, on the contrary – she thrived on the days they spent together. Yet, if she only hadn't come to rely on him so much.
Earlier that week they had had an argument so stupid CC was trying her hardest to forget all about it and just move on, but her mind had decided to dwell on it endlessly. A few weeks ago, she had met a man. Rich, successful, charming; in short, everything her mother would have wanted for her to find in a man. Robert had been a perfect gentleman, and the assets to rightfully claim this title.
Right from the beginning on, Niles had dropped little hints and made little remarks and they had highly infuriated CC for a reason she herself couldn't quite understand.
"Would you stop it?!" she had confronted him after she had followed him into the kitchen one day.
"Stop what?" he had asked, feigning innocence.
"Oh, you know exactly what I am talking about!" she had hissed.
"What's the big deal? It's not like he is the one for you, is he?"
"Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that, we could marry for all I care!"
His reply had been merciless. "Care all you want. We're all betting on how long it's going to take for you to scare him off. I give it two weeks. Tops."
"Fine," she had answered, her lip in a thin line, trying to control her trembling hands. "Seeing as things are," she stated matter-of-factly, "maybe you should not come to my apartment this Christmas."
"Yeah," he retorted, "maybe I should stay with a friend."
CC had simply scoffed. To the best of her knowledge, she had done a pretty good job convincing him she didn't need him. But now that she found herself sitting in her living room all by herself, she knew she could pretend not to care about him all she wanted, but nothing could have been further from the truth.
She hadn't even cared much when Robert had left her. He had integrated seamlessly into the long line of people who had once been close to her. If she was entirely honest with herself, she knew her relationship with Robert had been over before it really begun. For some reason, something was never quite right. Something always felt off, always half a step behind. She had felt it right from the beginning, and she was sure Robert had felt it, too. So it had been no surprise when he had broken off their relationship, she had long seen it coming.
Now, with the clarity that came after the break-up, she finally understood why Niles's remarks had irritated her so much. They had been too close to the truth for her to stomach. It hadn't been Robert she had cared about. It had been the relationship. She had wanted it to last, not for his sake, but for hers. She had wanted to be successful on a personal level at least once as though she wanted to prove something.
Niles's reply, however, had been unprovoked. He had been cruel, and when she thought about it now, she felt like she had missed some crucial detail to understand why.
Her eyes turned to the fireplace in front of her where the flames were dancing and was reminded of how they had danced in front of that very same fireplace. What she wouldn't give to have him by her side… She forced herself to focus her thoughts on something else but found it increasingly had to concentrate.
She thought of last year when they had sat on the sofa and had watched one of those ghastly predictable Christmas movies together, accompanied by ice cream and Jim Beam. She had sat in the very same spot she was sitting in now, only she had leaned against Niles, who had been to her right, deeply sunken into the cushions of her sofa.
The doorbell rang. A flare of wild hope rushed through her body as the sped to the door to open it.
"Miss Babcock, this has been delivered for you," the porter in front of her informed her and it took her a moment to realize it wasn't Niles standing there.
She shook her head as to shoo away his ghost and greeted the porter with a smile. "Yes, thank you!"
"Happy holidays!" the porter wished and went his way.
"Yeah, happy holidays to you, too," CC murmured, starring at the package he had handed her. The return address bore her brother's name and had been sent from a place in Illinois, where he resided. She tore open the carton, to reveal a bottle of red wine, a vintage, and a card. Walking back into her apartment, her back to the still opened door, she set the carton and the bottle of wine down on the dining table and opened the card.
Dear CC,
happy holidays! I hope you enjoy this wine. I had it imported from a vineyard in the Provence near the river Ardèche, where I spent part of my holidays last summer.
Dennis and I wish you all the best and we hope to see you soon.
Love, your brother Noel
CC smiled sadly at her present and the card that came with it.
"You're not planning on drinking that all by yourself, are you?" she suddenly heard a familiar voice behind her. She spun around in a split second as if she was afraid he would be gone once she turned around.
"Niles?" she called, as soon as she had recognized him, not able to mask the relief and yet disbelief in her voice. "I thought you wanted to spend Christmas with a friend instead?"
She silently regretted the huffy tone her voice had taken on with that last sentence.
"I brought him with me, I hope you don't mind," he replied, revealing a bottle of Jack Daniels he had been hiding behind his back, and smirked.
CC couldn't help but let out a throaty laugh and nodded approvingly, then went silent. "I honestly thought we wouldn't spend Christmas together this time."
"I am so sorry about what I said," he replied honestly. "…but we've always been bitter together on the holidays… and we can't break with tradition, can we?"
Without a warning, she stepped towards him and embraced him.
"You're scaring me, Babs," he said quietly, but his hands likewise embraced her. Out of her sight, he smiled.
"What made you change your mind?", she asked next to his ear.
"My Christmas simply wouldn't be complete without you," he replied next to hers.
"Now you are scaring me." She moved far enough away from him to see his face, touched by the expression she found on it.
On her face, he saw the last bit of reserve melting away once they had parted.
"Niles, I –" she started, but was interrupted by Niles who merely shook his head.
"Don't," he said.
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, too," she continued, disregarding his plea. "No, hear me out," she objected before he was able to protest again, "I clearly shouldn't have dated Robert in the first place… and," she raised her index finger in the air, "don't you dare say 'I told you so!' or I swear – "
"I was out of line. I'm sorry," Niles interjected simply.
She let his words sink in for a moment.
"No. You were right." Then, she frowned. "Who are we?!"
He chuckled. "Merry Christmas, Babcock!"
"Merry Christmas, Niles!" she replied in a small voice and hugged him again. Her grip on him was less firm on him this time, but the manner of her embrace was no less intense, and once again Niles's arms found their way around her waist.
"This is bordering terrifying, Babcock," he said softly and grinned.
She ignored his comment but let go of him, while his hand still clung around her waist.
"What's wrong?"
"I've missed you. That's what you get when you deprive me of my favourite butler," she answered, and Niles knew she was only half honest with him.
"Does that mean you actually like spending Christmas with me?", he wondered in a sardonic tone.
"Yeah right, I live to smell Lemon Bowl Fresh all evening long," she scoffed, yet the insincerity was dripping from her statement.
He let go of her and smirked, handed her the bourbon, then made his way over to the couch.
For a brief moment, her eyes followed him with an expression of endearment, before she tore her gaze off of him and followed him.
The relief and happiness that flooded through CC's body was almost unbearable. Not ten minutes ago she had thought that she was going to have to spend Christmas by herself, and now here they were.
They turned on the television to watch the happiness-infused holiday madness flicker over the screen.
After a while, Niles noticed CC drifting into a slumber beside him, and pretended not to notice as she leaned her head on his shoulder, her eyes already half closed.
"Maybe we should switch to more exciting movies, huh, Babs? Rudolph and his friends are just not cutting it," he whispered and he felt her silent chuckle against his side.
"Yeah," she mumbled, adjusting her head on his shoulder, and tried to keep her eyes open with a little more determination.
He brought his arm around her back while his other hand zapped through the channels to find even more Christmassy broadcasts, ranging from various incarnations of Santa Clause – reindeer and all – to feel-good family flicks and even a few documentaries. Sighing in resignation, he turned the TV off, ending the dance of lights across their faces. Now, the only sources of light were the Christmas lights on the tree which bathed their faces in a soft yellow light.
Niles cast a sideward look at CC, tucking a stray curl that hung in front of her face behind her ear. The events of the last couple of days had visibly exhausted her, and he couldn't help but wish that it had been different. But they had never been the ones for saying how they felt about each other, they had never been the ones for clarity.
"Niles," she murmured thoughtfully, already drifting more and more off into sleep, "is there something wrong with me?"
Niles absent-mindedly brushed her hair.
"What do you mean?" he asked quietly so as to not disturb her.
"Am I not loveable?"
His hand stopped mid-movement.
"What are you talking about?"
"Cause no one ever stays with me…"
At her words, he felt a hundred years older. There he sat on the couch with everything and nothing to say to her, feeling his heart sink. He sat there in silence, feeling her breathing getting more and more even until he saw the lights in the room through a shimmery haze.
"You have no idea how remarkable you are," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her hair.
2000
CC opened her eyes to the barely lit room. Behind Niles's sleeping figure she could make out four red digits on his alarm clock. It was far too early for any of them to be up, but her swollen belly and their growing daughter had made it impossible to sleep anymore. Instead, she contented herself with studying her husband's face. It was strange how he seemed to peaceful when he was asleep, so much unlike his awake self.
There was something peaceful about this time of the day in general – not just because her husband was still asleep, no; ever since she had married Niles, this was the time of the day they had just for themselves. They had no obligations to be anywhere yet or to tend to anyone other than the two of them. They could start the day together; they didn't have to worry about anything just yet, other than, perhaps, what was for breakfast. Mornings brought serenity.
Christmas mornings in particular had become her favourites. She remembered times when, after spending Christmas Eve together, they had fallen asleep on the sofa together. Or other times she had woken up in her bed, carefully tucked in, with no recollection of how she had gotten there. She remembered, too, that it had not been the worst of things to wake up next to him, or to smell the pancakes he'd make in the kitchen when she was just waking up.
All these years, all these times, the things they hadn't noticed – or had refused to notice – seemed so obvious to her now.
Now, she lay in bed next to him, giddy as a little girl who couldn't wait to open her presents Christmas morning, yet for an entirely different reason. For the first time in a long time, she felt like she had arrived at the place where she belonged. The road had been long and winding, but here she was. The prospect of starting a family with Niles – or in fact, they had already become one a while ago – equally thrilled and terrified her. Yet there was nothing that made her this happy.
She buried herself deeper under her sheets and revelled in the warmth of her bed. Niles still lay still, his chest slowly rising and falling underneath his blanket.
She brought her hand up to caress the side of his face, her fingertips tracing the lines on his face. His lips slowly curved into a smile.
"Remember our first Christmas?" she whispered.
"You mean that time you kicked me out?" he responded sarcastically, his eyes still closed and his voice suffused with sleepiness.
"You must be getting senile. I never kicked you out." Niles opened his eyes and glared at her. "Okay, I tried to. But you still stayed."
Niles contentedly closed his eyes again and nodded slightly.
"And I thank you for that. I don't want to imagine what would have happened if you hadn't."
At that, his eyes opened again. His wife's voice had taken on a particularly soft tone that carried so much tenderness it tugged his heart strings.
"Oh, I think we'd have come around eventually," he responded, cleared his throat and reached for her hand, squeezing it.
CC smiled.
"You know, this is new," CC began.
"What is?"
"We're not bitter together on the holidays anymore…"
"Oh, I doubt we've ever truly been bitter!"
His face took on a goofy grin.
"Merry Christmas, love," Niles whispered.
"Merry Christmas," she replied in the same low voice.
He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it.
"You are the best thing that ever happened to me, you know that, right?" Niles confessed, his eyes locked with CC's.
At that, her eyes became watery and she blinked heavily.
"You're not crying, are you?"
"I am not," CC replied, but her voice was high-pitched. "I'm not!" she tried again, this time with even less success.
Niles smiled and wriggled closer to her body, circling her waist with his arm. Wordlessly he pressed kisses to her forehead and caressed her side.
"I love you, CC."
At that, her eyes flooded with tears.
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" she asked, laughing and crying at the same time.
"Maybe," he smiled, "but at the same time it's true."
"Damn these pregnancy hormones!" she sniffed through her sobs and looked at him with so much love in her eyes Niles thought it would overwhelm him.
She wiped her eyes, smiling ever so fondly at him.
"We have to get up in a little while," he groaned, tugging her yet a little closer.
"No, we don't," she responded, bringing her head to lay on his chest, resting right underneath his chin, effectively blocking whatever attempts he would make to get out of bed. "As far as I'm concerned we could stay in bed all day."