When Heero is not here, I do not have the time to think about him. My numerous occupations keep me busy. I'm politically active, I meet people, I travel, I debate, I read, I write, I elaborate, I constantly think about thousands of things which are not related to him. My responsabilities drive him away from my mind and thus, when I see him again, I feel just as lost as when we first met. He's not consistant. He does not come every year at the same date although I always receive something from him for my birthday. It feels like a private joke.
I do not know what he is doing in our unarmed world. He always seems out of place. The perfect soldier. The other ex pilots are also out of place but Quatre has his inheritance to manage, Trowa has his sister and the circus, Duo... well Duo is easy going and always manages to adapt to any situation. As for Wufei, Sally told me he's starting to make some progress. The end of the war put him in a state of deep melancholy but she kept him busy and he is starting to change.
Heero did not change. I do not know where he is right now or how he lives. He never says anything about himself when we see each other and I know it is useless to ask. We talk about the old days, about the variety of roses next to the window, about the silk of my scarf, about the stars. It sounds cheesy but usually we just stay quiet, next to each other, looking at the same invisible point in the air. And then, after some time, he looks right at me. He gives the impression of "reloading" by doing that.
As for me, I turn back into the stupid high school girl I was in the old days and I feel ready to die for him. Again. I am totally captivated by his juvenile features, his thin body, athletic but still childlike and overall by his dark and intense look where the spectres of his enemies dance. Old eyes in a young face.
I am perfectly aware of how immature it is. I do not expect anything from him. There is nothing he can bring to me besides... this stupid chill when I am confronted with his supernatural beauty.
I told Dorothy everything yesterday. I told her he came, two nights earlier, by the window. She found just the right words to describe it, with her usual lyricism. She is quite good with analogies.
« He's your Peter Pan, Wendy, and he came back to haunt you. Beware, for you can't follow him anymore. You're already a grown up. »
Dorothy always finds the right words.
I did nothing more than hold Heero into an embrace, which he slowly returned to me. He never asks for more. He only needs to let himself go for an instant in my arms, knowing that I am here and that he can trust me. He is like a child, contemplating my face and caressing my hair before falling asleep.
I used to hope for more. I wanted him to take me. I wanted him to own me. I wanted...
I was such a child.
Heero is not able to possess because it would mean to also be possessed. He is free, which means that he is alone.
He slept next to me but by the time I woke up, he was gone. I was not sad. I am not sad anymore. I had the evidence of his truth, of his essence. I am so happy to know that he exists. Heero is a possibility, an alternative.
When Heero is not here, it is not as if I constantly had him in mind but the very idea of his existence is like a light bubble in my heavy thoughts.
When Heero's here, it feels kind of funny. He's a strange double for me, a troubled reflection, he's what I could have become and what I once was. He doesn't grow up. With my training in space when I was a teen, my height stabilized early and I remained pretty small but at the end of the war, by discovering different ways of living, I grew a little more. It's the same for the other pilots. He didn't. And it's not only physical. He didn't change. He spent too much time with the stars, it's to late for him to grow old.
By the time we had to abandon our lifes of soldiers, I was the renegade. I didn't want to let go and he was the one to teach me my lesson. Why? I knew, deep down inside, that we shared the same feelings. We were as crazy as before. The soldier and the warrior. Why did he tell me to kill Nataku, to forget my life as a fighter, when it was as painful for him as it was for me ? Maybe it was this Peacecraft girl, a romantic ideal personified. A walking and talking allegory. I was following ideals but they were mine. I didn't count on anyone the way he did with this girl. He placed his oh-so-valuable trust in her. I still can't understand why. I thought Man would never stop fighting, that it was Man's nature, better ready than sorry, that the true beauty resided in fighting.
She offered me the peace of the cowards. But giving up fighting to get this was the bravest thing to do. I guess.
I still don't know.
I was never really sure actually.
Truth is, I was terrified by the idea of losing myself in the Peacecraft's peace. I hid behind warrior's ideals to not face my own internal vacuum. I was entirely devoted to fighting but what would remain left once there was no fight anymore ? I was looking for a fight. Always. For any cause, on any pretext, I was ready to fight.
I thought Heero felt the same but he was able to see further into the future. When we had to destroy the Gundams, he didn't hesitate. I wasn't ready. I fought till the very end. But ultimately, I had to leave my past behind.
Farewell Nataku.
And now, Heero the savior is still the way he was before, frozen in time, unable to evolve, unable to live because it would mean that he'd have to die.
As for me...
I'm already old.
When Heero's here, I remember what I lost but also what I could have lost if I hadn't accepted to change.
When Heero's not here, it's not so bad.
I have my sister, I have the circus, I have my show, my skills, the training, the books I read, the animals I take care of... I have Quatre, sometimes. It's not the same because Quatre isn't Heero and I know that Quatre always answers when I call whereas, je préfère I don't even have Heero's number. I'm pretty sure he doesn't own a phone anyway.
My sister tells me that Heero makes my eyes shine. That he's the only one who has this effect on me. I don't know. It's different. He's the person I feel the closest to but it's not as if he was the only person that matters.
I think he gets me. I trust him and he trusts me. So does Quatre and so does my sister of course but...
It's not the same.
I'm not very good at putting those ideas in order. Feelings and stuff... It's complicated.
I know that I love it when Heero comes to visit. He never warns me about it but one night, haphazardly, he comes and watches the show and I always feel his presence in the audience and I always do my best when I feel him because knowing that he's still alive reassures me. Heero is the pinnacle of my memories and it's very important to me who has no identity. He's the evidence of my past, the intangible evidence of what I went through and I know that when he'll die, I'll mourn more than a friend.
But my sister's wrong when she says that he's the only one to make my eyes shine. It's not the right word. It's not the right feeling.
Heero's a certainty.
But certainty can paralyze and I know the value of doubt. I know how easier it is to move forward when you know nothing about everything, especially about yourself.
When I launch into the air on the trapeze, I believe more in the uncertainty of the next trapeze and my trembling hands than in the certainty of the floor that would kill me if I fall.
My sister would find the analogy funny and would laugh at me. Quatre would probably think the same but wouldn't say a word of it. He's too polite.
Quatre.
I sometimes thought about Heero the way I think about him. I imagined his nervous body, the smell of the short hair of his neck, his voice... But I know he's unable to want that with me and when you don't want sex, then sex is useless.
As for Quatre, he wants. Any gesture, any word is meaningful with him. He's looking for a full spiritual communion. I don't give him as much as he wants and deserves even though he obtains more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
Quatre needs me to say things because contrary to Heero, he doesn't speak Silence. But little by little, the distance between us fades.
When Heero's not here, it's not so bad.
When Heero is here, Trowa is not Trowa anymore and Duo is not Duo anymore.
Trowa becomes strangely ordinary next to Heero. You could say the same about Heero actually. They look like two brothers, easily interacting with a familiarness that I envy. They do not need words. They bring peace to one another and their similarities reassure them. As for Duo, he looses himself. He becomes even more talkative than usual, almost nervous. He tries to impress Heero while realizing how useless it is. It seems a bit pathetic but it is actually very touching. It is a side of Duo I am not used to seeing.
Heero only once paid a visit to me alone but I have seen him twice while he was with Trowa and once while he was with Duo which made me realize that he visited them much more often. It did not made me sad per say, just a little bitter. Heero and I were never good at fighting together. We found ourselves together without any of the other pilots several times but we never really agreed on anything. There is a distance between us that nothing can fill. People describe me as idealistic but he is an ideal. Intangible and truer to himself. He never compromises, he never tries to embrace a larger view of the situation and to understand the diverse points of view. He just acts.
At one point in my life, I thought I understood him. When my father died, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of distress so absolute that I briefly forgot myself and the world.
Like Heero, I guess, I was just one brutal and honest feeling.
But that was not me.
We fought, Heero, Trowa and me. Heero was, for once in a lifetime, the reasonable one.
He was a guide, a light that I was only able to see after Trowa's sacrifice. Finally, I regained my mind. Around Heero, Trowa becomes his shadow and I was only able to see the light with the shadow. I can only understand Heero through a negative lens. He is unattainable. I know and get the concept but I can not fully admit and understand it.
When Heero is here, he reveals another Duo and another Trowa, but I remain the same.
When Heero's not here, I easily get bored with my life. Not that much. I can get the better of every situation. I'm not the type to just sit and complain. Though I must admit that I miss my good old Deathscythe and that, as horrible as it is, war is definitely a very entertaining concept. I mean... It's not as if everything becomes unbearably boring as soon as the great Heero is away. I'm not established, I strive everyday to survive with « temporary jobs » (temporary and not very legal I must say). I'm also not bad at mechanics and neither is Hilde. We rebuild new stuff with the old stuff we « find ». I also deliver mysterious parcels from mysterious people to mysterious places. I live with Hilde and I try to earn some money even if she never asks anything from me. I think she likes me. I must admit that I definitely like her too but she's not like Heero. It's not better or worse. It's just different. It's... it's Hilde. A good girl. A serious girl. If I was serious myself I'd dump her to let her find someone better but I try to not worry about that. One day, I was drunk, I told her all this stuff. Like « You shouldn't worry about me, you'd better break up with me, I'm only good at putting myself in trouble. I'm a Shinigami, You're too good for me ! »
She put her hands on her hips just like an old hag and she coldly said that of all the stupid things I said, those were the worst. That she never wanted to hear me say again that she was better than me. That she was an adult and had the right to choose the person she wanted to live with. That if I wasn't happy with that it was me who should take my responsabilities and leave.
I didn't leave. I apologized. We hugged and kissed but we didn't fuck because I really was a mess. (I... like... almost cried but since it's not very manly just keep it a secret ok ?)
The first time Heero came, we spent very little time talking. To be more accurate, I must say that I talked while he remained silent. He didn't come for that. He was horny like a dog. It's not as if we never helped each other with our hands in during the old days of the war. You know, a man needs to ease his tensions. But I'd never thought that he would still want it. It was a long time ago.
Of course I was in love with him back then. Just like everyone else. That guy is really good at putting stars and bullshit in your eyes. But he always kept us at a distance. We often talked about him with Quatre and he felt the same way. Quatre is actually the only other pilot whith whom you can have a civilized conversation. Wufei and Trowa are both almost as crazy as Heero.
Heero remains the worst though. We don't share a lot with words but fucking is good. He wanted me to take him but never took me himself. He doesn't want to. I think he doesn't like the responsability that goes with it. He prefers to ask for sex and then to let me do my thing to give him proper satisfaction.
When we fuck, he doesn't say a word and doesn't make a noise till he reaches orgasm. Then, when it slowly grows, he looses control for an instant and it's the most beautiful sound you could imagine.
For a few seconds, he sounds human.
And then, he breaks contact and he meticulously cleans himself. Sometimes, he briefly kisses me, as if to thank me.
At first, I thought I'd keep seeing him behind Hilde's back. It doesn't happen that often after all. But I ended up telling her. She already knew about what happened between us during the war but she also guessed about what was going on nowadays. The fact that I told her about it made her really happy. She said lots of very sensible sentences like : « You don't owe me anything anyway. » or « You don't belong to me exclusively ». She still seemed a bit sad.
I told her how I feel. That I love them both in two very different ways. That it hasn't anything to do with her. That it is different. Unlike some people I know, it's not hard for me to talk about my feelings. I told her that it would happen again if Heero came back but that if she didn't like it, I'd leave. She told me I was stupid. I apologized.
Hilde is perfect and yes, I easily get bored around her but that's life. Right ? It's not so bad to not feel the big thrills anymore. That's just how it is.
When Heero's not here, I wait for him but as soon as he's here, I want him to leave.
Thanks to Emily A. who proofread this fanfiction (I'm French... :D) Hope you'll enjoy it.