Kate sighed as she arrived at the door. It had been four days since she had last been at Clint's apartment. It had been four days since she had begun ignoring his texts and calls. And it had been four days since they had taken down a serial rapist downtown in the park. She shuddered thinking about that lowlife scum that had smiled at them, blood coating his teeth from the beat down he had received. He had winked at her, and it had brought everything back. She felt so dirty again and then it all became too much. She had to leave and get out; she had stalked away, barely registering Clint's shouts of concern.
She might as well get it over with. She knocked on the door and promptly heard a glass fall over and shatter along with muffled curses. She felt an affectionate smile clawing its way out of her as she imagined her train-wreck of a mentor. He opened the door and his grin lit up the hallway.
"Hey, Katie-Kate! I've got pizza!" He left the door open for her and she followed him into the kitchen as normal, shutting the door behind her. She sat down silently as he pushed the box over to her. Her eyes never left him and she didn't reach out to take any food. His brow furrowed at her, God she didn't want to have this discussion, but she needed to get it out, and she wasn't going to beat around the bush.
"We need to talk." Clint froze up, a piece of pizza halfway to his mouth. He gave her a look and, when seeing how serious she was, put the pizza down and turned his body to her.
"I've got my hearing aids in. I'm listening." He gave her a kind smile. She breathed slowly trying to even out her heartbeat. It traitorously beat faster anyway.
"About why I stormed off, I… uh don't deal with those kind of cases well. Like, don't get me wrong, I feel so much better taking guys like that down, but just the look he gave me…" She let out a frustrated breath at herself, seeing Clint's confused look, she just decided to rip the Band-Aid off. "I was raped. Couple years ago, before I became Hawkeye."
All of Clint's muscles tightened immediately. He had started to recoil from her before he stopped himself. His eyes held panic and looked anywhere but at her. Kate felt a stab of pain in her heart; this is the reaction she didn't want. This was her mentor, her best-friend. He had been like an older brother to her. Someone she couldn't imagine her life without anymore, and he thought she was broken; just like everyone else had. Just like she did.
She turned her head away from him so he couldn't see her eyes glistening. She just silently stood up and moved towards the door. She opened it a crack and was debating whether to say something else or just leave.
The decision was taken out of her hands as the door was pushed closed softly. She turned around and was staring at Clint's Bulls eye shirt. His arm was extended and holding the door closed. He still wasn't looking at her, and she felt even more disgusting than she had when she arrived.
After what felt like hours he finally whispered, "It's not you… It's me." She sniffed and looked up at him and he was now, finally, looking at her, but she didn't see disgust in his eyes, only shame and an apology. She wiped the tear tracks off of her face (when did that happen?) and let him lead her over to the couch. He sat there, still far away from her, but his hand snaked over and took one of hers.
"I'm not… acting this way because of you. It's my past…" He paused, as if deciding how to phrase what he was trying to say. "Last time someone I loved told me something like this, I fucked up. Really badly. I don't want to make the same mistake." He looked at her pleadingly. She sniffed again, damn emotions, and scooted over closer to him. He stilled, but didn't move away.
"It was Bobbi… one of the reasons we ended up divorcing. I mean I was mad that she let him die, not that she was mind controlled and raped, but she should have been my first priority. Her health… her mental health," he paused, letting out a shuttering breath. He looked like he was on the verge of either crying or punching himself; maybe both. "But all I saw was that she let someone fall to their death." He pushed a hand through his tussled hair, "Bobbi and I have talked about it, and I've apologized since, but we won't ever be the same because I fucked it up and ruined our marriage."
He looked at her, his eyes still holding some sort of feelings for his ex-wife, but mostly filled with regret. "You are the one, sure, good thing in my life, Kate. I'm scared I'll screw it up again, but I want to help. I just don't know how."
Kate smiled, her eyes misting again. She just let her head fall to his shoulder. She collected her thoughts for a moment. "Honestly, just hearing you say that you care that much helps. I mean, I don't know what I was hoping you'd do when I told you, but just hearing that you want to help and don't want to screw it up means the world to me." He laid his head on top of hers, squeezing her closer.
"If there is anything else I can do, just let me know… I wanna do better this time." She smiled at his earnest voice and snuggled deeper into him.
"For now, just be the best Hawkeye pillow you can be, and we can see about some food later. Sound good, Hawkeye?" He didn't miss a beat before responding.
"Anything for you, Hawkeye."