I wonder if she ever knew that I relied on her the same way she relied on me.
Sometimes I wonder how she could have possibly missed it. It wasn't as if I hid it at all. But Bella wasn't exactly very observant – well, not at that…time.
Admittedly, I didn't rely on her for the same reasons; nobody had shattered my heart beyond repair. No, it was something different, and in my opinion, something more.
When Bella Swan walked back into my life that day with the motorcycles, I was exultant; my silly crush hadn't dissipated at all. But when she stuck around, I was ecstatic. Having her around made everything in my life just mysteriously solved itself, for a few hours at least. My stolen hours with her were bliss – and they did feel as though they were stolen, from someone more worthy.
In my head, I snort, shaking my massive wolf head as I barrelled through the underbrush of southern Canada.
Someone more worthy. What a joke. Filthy, reeking, parasitic leech. An angry growl escapes my mouth and I struggle for a moment to regain control.
I loved her – still love her – more than he would ever even comprehend, despite what either of them may believe. She doesn't have my heart, she is my heart. And my soul. The reason for my very existence, even now, after she had chosen him over me time and again.
The problems she solved for me were more deep-rooted than heartbreak. I didn't fall apart every time a specific name was mentioned, but my whole life seemed to be falling apart. And the reason was simple: Sam's gang. I was scared that I would be next, scared of what was happening to them. I was irritated with them, with the way the council seemed to respect them, irritated with the way the council seemed to respect them, irritated with the way they treated me. And more than anything else, I was confused. What the hell did it all mean? Sam's seeming reverence towards me, their expectant glances, my fathers complacence and vague hints. My thoughts were haunted by them every minute of every day.
Except when she was around. When we were together, all of my worries disappeared, my worry-punctured gut healing mysteriously. And with each passing moment, my love for her, along with my dependence on her, grew. Even after Embry inexplicably stopped talking to Quil and me, her presence kept me from crumbling.
So when we spoke about them that day, it was like poisoning a sweet beverage with something bitter and unpleasant.
. I loved everything about her. I loved her strangely sweet, completely unique scent, the softness and rich hue of her hair, the depth and sparkle of her eyes, the way my hand, so much bigger than hers, fit perfectly around hers, the feel of her snugly in my arms, her sarcasm and sincerity in equal measure, the way I felt completely myself around her, and most of all, the way she seemed to brighten up around me, the way I seemed to make her almost as happy as she made me.
Even when she bluntly refused me, I didn't stop loving her. It stung of course, hurt for days, but to know that she needed me, it was worth it. To know for sure that I had the same affect on her that she had on me.
And then I phased.
When I first phased, it was terrifying, scarier than anything I had ever experienced. And to come that close to tearing my own father to bits was agony, pure, guilt-ridden agony.
And throughout all of it, even with the voices there to comfort me – which oddly made me even more scared – I wished that Bels was there to hold my hand, to make everything right about the way she always did. She was my safe harbour, as much as I was hers, and without her, particularly in this time of terror, I felt vulnerable around her.
Immediately, I'm glad that no one else is phased.
And when I found out what I was, it was revolting. I was repulsed by myself, by what I was. Right away I knew, as much as I needed her around me, seeing Bella was completely out of the question. It would be excruciatingly selfish of me to continue to put her in that danger just for the comfort she provided. I didn't need Sam's edict forbidding me from telling her. I had no intention to drag her into this dangerous situation.
But hurting her was more painful than I'd anticipated. Seeing her fall back into her depression, even with me standing right there, tore at my heart, and I wondered if I was feeling the other end of what she'd been feeling. What he'd been feeling. And then I had stubbornly pushed that thought away. He didn't feel anything.
And her presence gave me no comfort, because I was betraying her hurting her, probably beyond repair. I was no better than him. So I went back, despite Sam's edict.
I was desperate when I was there, sure it'd be the last time she'd speak to me without the same revulsion I felt evident in her voice. So I hugged her, held her firmly to my chest, relished in the feel of her in my arms once again, thanking what ever heaven there was that she had forgiven me, even if it didn't last long.
And then, the very next day, she came back, unable to deal with what I was, when she had walked around with, even kissed beings more disgusting even than me. I could feel myself becoming angrier than I ever had before, and I only fought for control because, despite all this, I still loved her.
And still do, even now that she's accepted what I am and still chosen that bloodsucker over me. I can't see why, and yet, I'm not angry with her. I loved her too much to be angry with her. However, the parasite was free game, and my anger with him is indescribable.
And painful, because I can't even do anything physical about my irritation with him without hurting her. And I will not let her go through losing him again. I had seen what it had to her.
Jake, man, you gotta let her go.
The thought surprises me, making me stumble for a moment before I find my balance again. It was laden with sympathy, understanding, and I don't doubt it was because he could see the depth of my feelings. He feels them through me as clearly as I do, so he knew what I'm going through. And he was the most understanding, compassionate about it.
Seth, leave me alone, I snap, my gigantic paws finally resuming their rhythm. And then, thinking back over my previous musings, I feel embarrassed. If I were human I would be blushing, and to cover this up, I get angry. How much did you hear, runt?
He flinches mentally. Enough, he was being vague, trying to distract me from his thoughts by focusing on the forest around him, making me suspect he had heard most. I know you love her, dude, but it's just hurting you. You have to let it go.
If I were human, my mouth would have stretched into an ironic smile. I know, Seth, but I can't. I don't know how. And frankly, I don't really want to.
This was true. My love for her is as a part of me as the colour of my eyes, the shade of my skin. I don't know what I'd do without loving here. My life would have no meaning. Seth sighed.
I know, Jake. I know.
How could you possibly know? I snap. The face of Alicia floats to his mind, the girl from Makah rez he had imprinted on. I sigh. Shut up, Seth.
Except you can leave, try to live without her, he flinches as he imagines leaving her.
No, I can't. The pain just waits for me to phase back. This is the only way to deal with it. I ignore his response, not absorbing what he says and throw myself into the forest with a new strength, running farther away from Seth, from Bella. From my safe harbour.