Originally posted on Tumblr.
Song Prompt:I'm Sorry by The Maine
Summary: Sebastian isn't entirely sure why he's making the journey out to Blaine's house, nor what he'll say when he gets there, all he really knows is he has to go, and he has to say something.
Warnings: Spoilers for Michael (S3E11), some bad language.
Sebastian pulled his car over to the side of the road for what had to be the tenth time since setting off from his house. The radio continued to blare out at him, and he punched out at the button to turn it off, missing by an inch and hissing curse words in a mixture of English and French at the pain in his fingers. He shook his hand slightly, taking a couple of deep, calming breaths before slowly reaching out again and shutting the radio down.
He shouldn't really be driving at all. His mother was always telling his father not to do anything that involves complex machinery when he's upset or angry. In his father's case this meant not even using the toaster. Sebastian didn't think that he was quite that incapable, even whilst upset, but he supposed his mother might have extended the suggestion to him if she'd known he was taking the car out in this kind of mood. Much like his father however, Sebastian had determined to go against her sensible advice, and so here he was, half way between his house and Blaine's; one hand clutching the steering wheel in a vice grip and the other running nervously through his hair.
When he had left the house it had been with the full intention of driving straight to Blaine's and explaining matter-of-factly that the slushie had been meant for Kurt's clothes, that it had been a prank and that it wasn't his fault if Blaine took the threat too seriously and wound up needing surgery. Each time he had pulled himself over to the side of the road however, that intention had changed somewhat before he allowed himself to drive on again. At first it had been little things, like explaining the ins and outs of adding rock salt to a slushie, or asking Blaine how he was coping with one eye. As he came to his eighth and ninth stops however, his matter-of-fact tone had disappeared, as had his assertion that this was Blaine's own fault, and he'd scrapped the explanation about rock salt and Kurt's clothes all together. Now sitting at the side of the road and watching the cars pass him by, Sebastian found he didn't have much left to say at all.
He never had been very good at admitting when he'd fucked up. A lifetime of being allowed to get away with just about anything as long as it didn't get out and tarnish his father's precious reputation had taken effect on him. The feeling of guilt that was settling itself in his stomach was wholly unfamiliar to him, but no matter how many excuses he made to himself, it wasn't going away; and neither were the images in his mind of Blaine lying on the floor clutching at his face, nor the sounds of his pain echoing through the empty parking lot. So he had determined to make those excuses to Blaine instead. What he hadn't counted on, was that the closer he got to Blaine's house, the tighter the knot in his stomach became.
He sighed, closing his free hand back around the steering wheel, shutting his eyes and leaning his head forward against the wheel. He really had fucked up this time, and not just in his usual way. Blaine wasn't just some random guy in a club that he'd left high n' dry after getting what he wanted from them, he was really hurt; Sebastian had hurt him. More than that he was... Sebastian sighed again, he was Blaine. Blaine who, even after Sebastian had pushed too far on more than one occasion, had still been determined to see good in him, to let Sebastian into his life and be his friend. Nobody had ever acted like that around Sebastian. He couldn't remember the last person he had called up with ulterior motives and who had wound up causing him to forget them completely, as they talked about their lives and laughed about... everything. Blaine was something else entirely, something that Sebastian should have stayed far away from. He had this energy around him that just drew people in, a way of talking and laughing and smiling that was far too dangerous in Sebastian's opinion. It was easy to see why Kurt held on so tight to his arm, why his eyes shone every time they looked at each other; it was easy to see how Kurt had fallen in love with him so completely.
Sebastian's eyes opened slowly and he lifted his head back up, staring out of his windscreen. He wondered whether it mightn't be a good idea to just turn his car around and go back home. He was already sure that seeing Blaine couldn't possibly make him feel any better, but at the same time he knew that he had to do it.
He sat back in his seat, turned on the car's ignition, and reached out carefully to put the radio back on, determined this time to make it all the way to Blaine's before he stopped again. He almost laughed out loud at the song which began playing over the speakers as he pulled his car back out onto the road.
"I'm fucked up again, I shouldn't drive tonight..."
It was one of those weird coincidences that made you feel like you were stuck inside a cheesy movie or coming towards the end of a television series finale. He rolled his eyes and considered just turning the music off again, but something held him back. Instead he focussed on the road infront of him, letting the words of the song wash over him as he drove. He must have been closer to where Blaine lived that he had thought, because soon he was turning down the right street and pulling up right outside his house. The sky was just getting dark as he shut the car down, letting the last few words of the song play out before hitting the off button and pulling his keys from the ignition, stuffing them into his trouser pockets. He hadn't even bothered to change his clothes, and as he stepped out of his car, he ran his hands down his Dalton blazer to straighten it out somewhat.
As he walked up towards the house it hit him for the first time that Blaine might not be alone. Some of his McKinley friends might be there; more likely Kurt might be there. Sebastian wouldn't put it past Blaine's boyfriend to have set up camp next to his sick bed, and he scowled slightly at the thought. Still, he refused to back down now. He hadn't fought with himself all the way here just to let someone like Kurt Hummel frighten him away. He reached out his hand and pressed down on the doorbell, probably a lot harder than he needed too, and only had to wait a few moments before a man who was unmistakably related to Blaine opened the door. He was too young to be Blaine's father, so Sebastian had to assume this was... Cooper? He was sure Blaine had told him his brother was called Cooper.
"Yes?"
The man's voice shocked Sebastian out of his rambling thoughts, and he coughed slightly to clear his throat before replying.
"Sebastian Smythe, I'm a friend of Blaine's" He said, as calmly as he could, holding his hand out to the man and thinking suddenly that giving his real name might not have been the best idea. What if Blaine had told his family exactly who had thrown that slushie? He held his breath as he stood there, half expecting to receive a punch to the nose and the door to slam in his injured face. A moment later however the man infront of him reached forward to grip his hand, and Sebastian could breathe again.
"Cooper Anderson, older brother of the apparently very popular Blaine," He replied, a small smile tugging at his lips. Sebastian made a mental note that this family apparently lucked out on good looks genetics as he was guided inside the house.
"Not the first to offer my get well soon wishes then," Sebastian replied, keeping the shake out of his voice was taking everything he had. Blaine's brother mustn't have noticed anything, as he simply laughed lightly and shook his head.
"Hardly," he said, still grinning, "I've been on door duty since he got back from the hospital, I thought I'd just got rid of the last of you lot ten minutes ago but..." he waved a hand at Sebastian who forced a smile.
"But here I am," he replied, relief sweeping over him as he realised that meant Blaine was probably alone right now. Good. Much as he was loathe to admit that he'd been, in any way, worried about having to fight his way past Kurt to even see Blaine, it was good to know he had managed to avoid the confrontation.
"Invalid's upstairs, first door on the left," He heard Blaine's brother say, "I'm sure you can find it yourself," Sebastian nodded, thanking him quietly before heading towards the stairs and having to force his feet to keep moving. He realised very suddenly that he hadn't actually decided on what he was going to say. The whole speech he'd prepared whilst angrily leaving his house was completely useless now, and he hadn't thought of any alternative. Maybe he wouldn't even get to say anything. Would he call his brother to throw Sebastian out before he could even speak? How angry was Blaine with him anyway? It was kind of hard to imagine Blaine being angry with anyone, but... Sebastian had thrown rock salt in his eye, and he guessed that wasn't the kind of thing that people just got over. He felt the knot in his stomach tighten painfully again. He wasn't sure he could deal with Blaine being angry at him, though he wasn't precisely sure why. It wasn't like nobody had ever gotten angry at Sebastian before, people were angry at him all the time actually. That girl, Santana, she'd been angry at him just a few hours ago, and though they hadn't said anything, he was sure that all the Warblers were angry at him too. Still, he could deal with that, it wasn't like he was really friends with them anyway, Sebastian didn't get close to people... except Blaine; and that had been accidental. He wasn't sure where along the line of trying to get into Blaine's – too short for him – pants that he'd actually started to like the ex-Warbler, but somehow, somewhere along the way Blaine had gotten under his skin. He cared about Blaine. He cared about him, and he'd hurt him, and now Blaine probably hated him.
Sebastian came up to Blaine's door, the half-forgotten feeling of tears pricking at his eyes surprising him, and he shook his head, taking a deep shuddering breath to pull them back before reaching out to knock on the door. Hearing Blaine call out from inside to come in, he pushed the door open, trying not to think about how long it would take for Blaine's brother to hear him shout, and come running to chuck Sebastian out onto the sidewalk.
Blaine didn't shout. Sebastian almost wished that he had, because the way that his expectant smile had simply vanished from his face on seeing who had walked into his room was almost worse than the immediate anger that Sebastian had been expecting. He sighed, moving to close the door behind him, but stopping as Blaine spoke up.
"No!" he said sharply, "Leave it open,"
Sebastian nodded, turning away from the door and moving across the room. There were several seats littering the bedroom floor, and he wisely chose the one furthest from Blaine to sit himself down in. Thankful, at least, that Blaine hadn't told him to close the door with him on the other side.
An uncomfortable silence filled the room for a long time. It was strange for Sebastian, who almost always had something to say. Right now he couldn't think of anything at all, couldn't even look at Blaine because walking into the room for the first time and seeing Blaine sat in his bed, an eyepatch covering his right eye, had hit him harder than he had expected. 'I did that' he thought, and he felt that same prickling feeling around his eyes again.
"What are you doing here Sebastian?" he heard Blaine speak but all he could manage was to finally lift his head and look at him. He had no idea what he was doing here. All he knew was that he needed to be here for something; he just hadn't quite figured out what it was yet.
He met Blaine's... eye... with some difficulty, trying to decipher some feeling behind it. The first thing that jumped out at him was the anger he'd known would be there, even if he had stupidly hoped it wouldn't. What surprised him however, was the disappointment and sadness that lay just beneath it. Had he disappointed Blaine? He guessed that he must have, but it was so hard to imagine anyone expecting anything good enough from Sebastian to wind up being disappointed. Then again, this was Blaine. Quite suddenly words were falling out of his mouth completely independent from conscious thought. Some strange mixture of all the things he had originally been planning to say and when he'd finished speaking he took a deep breath, and finally knew what he really needed to say.
"Those are... all the poor excuses that I came up with on the ride here," He said quietly, looking down at his lap. He heard Blaine shift slightly in the bed, and glanced up. "Pathetic right?"
Blaine scoffed slightly and he continued to glare at Sebastian with his one good eye, "Just a bit," he replied, a harshness to his tone that Sebastian could barely attribute to him, even though he was sat right infront of him.
"Yeah..." Sebastian trailed off, trying to figure out how to say the next part. It wasn't something he'd ever really said before.
"You still haven't said why you're here," Blaine spoke again after a few more moments of silence past between them, "If it was just to tell me your excuses are pathetic, I already knew that, so..."
"Never again!" Blaine blinked at him, the anger shocked away from his expression by the force behind Sebastian's words and the intensity of his gaze. Sebastian was kind of shocked himself, but then, none of this visit had gone the way he'd expected it to.
"What?" Blaine asked, his head cocked to one side slightly in confusion.
"I... It was stupid, and reckless and I hurt you," Sebastian felt his resolve already beginning to slip away, and almost had to force himself to form the words, "And I will never do that again, and I just... needed you to know that,"
"Sebast..."
"I am sorry," He said, finally feeling the knot in his stomach loosen very slightly, and wondering how it was that those words were the hardest thing he'd ever said to anyone in his whole life. They were so simple.
"I'm sorry I disappointed you, I'm sorry that I wasn't who you thought I was... and I'm sorry I hurt you," and with that he pushed himself out of the chair and stood straight, "And I don't expect you to forgive me, but that's why I'm here... to tell you I'm sorry," Blaine was silent, simply returning his stare until Sebastian took a deep breath, nodded once and turned away, heading for the open door, suddenly desperate to get away.
"Sebastian!" he paused, glancing back over his shoulder at Blaine. He would really have looked completely comical under any other circumstances. Navy blue pyjama's with white piping, his hair slicked back even though he wasn't out in public and that ridiculous eyepatch. Sebastian noticed a Pirates of the Caribbean DVD sat on his bedside table and wondered if one of Blaine's other friends... one of Blaine's real friends had bought it up for him as a joke; maybe it had been his brother.
"Yeah," he said, hearing his voice crack slightly and cursing himself.
"What you did... I just can't forgive you right now," Sebastian nodded along. The knot in his stomach had all but gone, only to be replaced by a kind of twisting sensation in his chest and a clenching in his throat. He'd expected that. Why should Blaine forgive him for nearly blinding him in one eye because of a pathetic prank gone wrong? He shouldn't and Sebastian knew that, fully expected that... but it still hurt.
"But..."
Sebastian's heart leapt, suddenly beating faster.
"But... I think maybe I could, one day" Blaine finished, and those eight words were enough to make Sebastian happier than he could remember feeling in... a very long time. "Thank you, for your apology... but I think you should leave now,"
Admittedly the second 'but' hadn't been nearly as nice as the first one, but, Sebastian was still mentally adding it to his list of favourite words ever... which was a relatively short list and not something he spent a great deal of time really thinking about for the most part. He gave Blaine a very small parting smile, before swinging the door fully open and stepping through, pulling it shut behind him. He leant back on it for a moment, noting how much lighter he suddenly felt.
That Blaine didn't truly hate him, that he might be able to forgive him, was all he could think about as he made his way down the stairs and back into the Anderson's hallway, called a goodbye out to Blaine's brother and made his way out of the house and back to his car. He cast a final glance up at the window he knew was Blaine's, and smiled to himself before starting up his car, and beginning what was likely to be a far quicker, far happier and far less frequently interrupted journey back to his own house.