The Torchwood Guide To Survival
Important Notice:
If you stumble across one CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS while in TORCHWOOD avoid speaking to him. Any attention will cause him to irrationally flirt with you.
Ten Vital Things To Know:
Pay attention to the important notice
Do not criticise IANTO JONES' coffee making skills
Outsmarting TOSHIKO SATO will result in a punch up
Speaking to DR OWEN HARPER will end up with you in his bed
GWEN COOPER hates being spoken to like an idiot
Do not touch the HAND IN A SEALED JAR
Do not order pizza under the name of TORCHWOOD
Never leave the SUV unattended
Do not take any ALIEN ARTEFACTS home
Any RIFT ACTIVITY showing up must be reported to CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS immediately
Coffee
If you are EVER spotted in a COFFEE SHOP, IANTO JONES will personally MURDER you because that is classified as CRITICISING HIS COFFEE MAKING SKILLS. If IANTO JONES is to ever go on vacation he'll leave some ready made COFFEE (known to you as INSTANT COFFEE)
The Hub
Each time you enter the hub CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS will have some useless work for you to complete. Your work desk will be full of RIFT ACTIVITY related documents. If THE HUB is making a beeping sound and counting down from FIVE then THE HUB has gone into LOCKDOWN and you should try to get out while you can.
Alien Artefacts
IANTO JONES often takes care of ALIEN ARTEFACTS if one falls through THE RIFT then hand it over to him IMMEDIATELY so he can place it into STORAGE unless stated otherwise by CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS or GWEN COOPER (If CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS has done a runner for THE DOCTOR)
The Rift
Many things can fall through THE RIFT and more often then not they'll have a history that CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS will want to talk about. DR OWEN HARPER will tell him to shut up and GWEN COOPER will tell DR OWEN HARPER to shut up resulting in a fight. If THE RIFT is showing HIGH ACTIVITY then DO NOT show TOSHIKO SATO, report it to IANTO JONES who will tell CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS.
Hand In A Sealed Jar
If you come across the HAND IN A SEALED JAR leave it be. CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS stated once that it belonged to THE DOCTOR and that one day THE DOCTOR will need it and that day CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS will find out why he cannot die. If you touch the HAND IN A SEALED JAR then prepare for the worst as you'll either be killed by CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS or you'll be RETCONNED to hell then killed.
Dr Owen Harper and Gwen Cooper
LEAVE DR OWEN HARPER and GWEN COOPER alone. DO NOT talk to them they'll make your life HELL and you'll regret it forever. GWEN COOPER will try to become your best friend while DR OWEN HARPER will try to get you in his bed to spite his obvious crush TOSHIKO SATO.
SUV
CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS drives the SUV more often then not. If CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS is missing then DR OWEN HARPER will drive the SUV, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall the SUV be left UNATTENDED last time it was left UNATTENDED a group of bullies stole the SUV and it took IANTO JONES a month to regain access he only regained access because CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS shot them all then placed a lot of false evidence so it looked like they were fighting with weapons.
Pizza
Have DR OWEN HARPER order PIZZA but do not let him order under TORCHWOOD have him order under DUMB SHIT or RETARD or even USELESS DOCTOR