Morbid Fantasy
What happens when you retell the classic fairytales with the DW characters and their corresponding Fantasy DLC costumes?
Chapter 1: Snow Xingcai
On a long time ago, in a far far away land known as China, the kingdom of Shu was ruled by a benevolent king named Zhang Fei-
Liu Bei: Whoa, whoa, hold on! Shouldn't I be supposed to be the king of Shu?
What? The fuck are you doing here Liu Bei? You aren't supposed to be here yet.
Liu Bei: But it's the truth! Why in the hell Zhang Fei is the king? And benevolent king? Gimme a break.
Tch, well it's for the purpose of the story! After all, he's Xingcai's father! Or maybe you wanna claim Xingcai as YOUR daughter?
Zhang Fei: What! Is that true, brother?!
Liu Bei: What?! No no no! It's a misunderstanding! I didn't sleep with your wife!
Zhang Fei: Heh, good for you, or else I would smash your skull open.
Uhh…okay, let's move on to the story. So, Zhang Fei was a benevolent king of Shu who was very generous to give wine to all of his people so that they would get drunk all year, making the kingdom of Shu prosperous. He has a queen whom he loved very much, named Xiahouji. Unfortunately, Xiahouji died from illness after she gave birth to their daughter, Xingcai.
Zhang Fei: O, my beloved queen, how can our daughter and I live without you? This kingdom needs you!
When the king was grieving, his loyal chancellor Zhuge Liang offered him advice.
Zhuge Liang: Your Majesty, you seem to be in deep grief after the Queen died.
Zhang Fei: Of course! What should I do?
Zhuge Liang: How if we make a competition for the ladies of the entire kingdom to participate? Whoever wins will be the next Queen.
Zhang Fei: Hey, are you nuts?! There's no way anyone would want to enter the competition to marry ME!
Zhuge Liang: Oh, right, I forgot. Good thing you're self-aware. Well then, in that case I….reads the script Narrator, what the hell is this?! You're telling me to give my wife to Zhang Fei?!
So what? It's just a story. She won't be sleeping with Zhang Fei, trust me. Well, if Zhang Fei insists anyway I'll give him a condom.
Zhuge Liang: Argh! That doesn't help! Come one, can't we just find someone else?
We can't, okay! Any other females already got their own roles!
Zhuge Liang: But still- ….hm, okay then, perhaps I can condition it. She's ugly anyway. Hohoho….
Yueying: What did you just say?!
Zhuge Liang: What? No, um, I didn't say you're ugly! No! It was the Narrator!
What?! How the hell's the blame on me?!
Yueying: Grrrhhh…..YOU!
Zhuge Liang: AAAAAAHHHHH!
BLEEEEEEEPPPPP We're suffering household technical difficulties, please wait….
Ooohh! Gee, this is sure nasty. Hah, suck that, Zhuge!
Yueying: HEY! YOU TOO!
What?!
Yueying: YOU MADE ME PAIR WITH ZHANG FEI! ARE YOU MAD?!
WHAAAATT?! No, NO! It's Koei's decision to give you the Queen DLC costume at the first place- AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!
BLEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP
Yueying: Hmph! That'll teach you!
Guurrrhhhh…okay….mov….ing….on…..
Zhang Fei: Whoa! Zhuge, what happened to you?! You look worse than the dump I last took!
Zhuge Liang: Long story. So, in that case, I have this one wife who's very smart, but ugly as fuck. She's ideal to be your Queen. Besides, I'm bored with her already.
And so, Zhang Fei agreed to marry Yueying, Zhuge Liang's ex-wife and made her the new Queen of Shu. However, this new Queen was very vain and jealous at Zhang Fei's beautiful daughter Snow Xingcai. She asked the Magic Mirror.
Yueying: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror: It is king Zhang Fei's daughter, Snow Xingcai.
Yueying: What?! How is that even possible?!
Mirror: Well, I'd say you don't even come close to her. Hell, your ex-husband agreed to give you to Zhang Fei because you're ugly. You and king Zhang Fei make for a perfect ugly couple.
Yueying: WHAT?! How dare you?! smashes mirror
Hey! Cut, cut! Yueying, what the hell did you do?! You're supposed to then ask the mirror how to kill Xingcai, not smashing it!
Yueying: Because this mirror called me ugly! I hate it!
Well, it's just speaking the truth-
Yueying: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!
Um, no no NO! Okay, then bring in the replacement magic mirror. Alright, now repeat the scene, and don't smash the mirror again!
Yueying: Huff, okay, okay. Now, tell me how I can be the fairest!
Magic Mirror: It's simple. You only need to kill Xingcai, and then you'll be the fairest in the land. Just remember to not remove your makeup.
And so queen Yueying hired the huntsman from the Wu kingdom, Lu Meng, to kill Snow Xingcai. At the time, she was playing outside the palace.
Xingcai: Lalalalala~ Oh, how wonderful this world is! I am the princess of the Shu kingdom, the daughter of the great king Zhang Fei, who's unfortunately ugly as fuck. Oh well, at least I'm the most beautiful person in the entire land! What could possibly go wrong?
Lu Meng: Ha! Got you!
Xingcai: Aaaahhh! Who are you?
Lu Meng: I am the Huntsman Lu Meng! I was ordered by your stepmother to kill you!
Xingcai: What! How dare she to order someone from the other kingdom to kill me! You, too! How dare you to kill a poor little girl like me! I shall punish you! starts to beat up Lu Meng
Lu Meng: Ow! Ow! Ouch! Yakh! Aigh! Ow ow ow ow! Shit, the queen never told me that this kid is so strong! Agh, stop it! Argh! Okay, okay! I'll spare you! Just! Stop! Hitting! ME!
Xingcai: Hmph! That'll teach you!
Lu Meng: Argh…tch, screw it. I'll go back to Wu!
And so Lu Meng fled from Xingcai and went back to Wu, whereas Xingcai also fled to save her life from the evil queen Yueying to the forests. There, she bumped into a dwarf named Guan Ping.
Xingcai and Guan Ping: Oof!
Xingcai: I'm sorry. Are you hurt?
Guan Ping: Argh…no, I'm okay. Hey, aren't you princess Snow Xingcai?
Xingcai: That's me! I am fleeing from my evil stepmother queen Yueying. Who are you?
Guan Ping: My name is Guan Ping, the dwarf who lives in this forest.
Xingcai: Huh, aren't dwarfs supposed to be short? And I thought there are seven of them….
Guan Ping: Uhh…hey, the Narrator!
What? Geez, I don't know, okay! Ask Koei for stuffs like this!
Guan Ping: Okay, okay! Anyway, I stored the six others in my bag over here, but queen Yueying has transformed them into dolls.
Xingcai: What? She's so mean!
Guan Ping: I know. Well, since you are also on the run from her, why don't you live here with me?
Xingcai: Uhh…you sure people aren't gonna notice?
Guan Ping: Stay calm, it'll be alright! devilish grin
Xingcai: Uhh…if you say so…
And so Xingcai lives with Guan Ping, without any shady or suspicious activities between them. Meanwhile, queen Yueying was still waiting for the huntsman Lu Meng to return.
Yueying: Tch, where the hell is Lu Meng, anyway? Goddamn Wu people never fulfill their promises!
Magic Mirror: Well, look who's talking.
Yueying: Shut up! Hey, you're supposed to be magic, right? Tell me what happened to him!
Magic Mirror: Hm…it seems that he has fled to his own kingdom, Your Majesty.
Yueying: What!
Magic Mirror: He's fled because Snow Xingcai was strong enough to beat him into pulp, so he decided to 'screw it' and ran away.
Yueying: What! How dare he to break his promise?! I know I should never trust someone from Wu!
Magic Mirror: Hey, I'm right here. You could use me to check yourself first.
Yueying: I said shut up!...oh well, if hiring someone from Wu doesn't do, I need to find other means.
Magic Mirror: I'd say to you should disguise yourself as an old hag and then present Snow Xingcai a poisoned apple.
Yueying: Ah! Just exactly what I was thinking!
Magic Mirror: Pfft. Bullshit, bullshit.
Yueying: Wait, that means I have to make myself ugly. How can I do that?
Magic Mirror: I suppose you don't need much effort, considering you're already ugly yourself.
Yueying: WHAT DIDJA JUST SAY?! smashes mirror
Yueying, I already told you to not smash mirrors! They're expensive!
Yueying: This mirror constantly insults me! Couldn't you buy the mirror that doesn't talk?!
But then it wouldn't be a magic mirror! Huff…oh well, we don't need the magic mirror for the next scenes anyway. So, queen Yueying made herself look like an old hag by removing her makeup, and prepared the poisoned apple to present to Xingcai. At the time, Guan Ping was away mining for gold, whereas Xingcai was told to guard their house.
Yueying: knocks the door Kukukuku….this'll better work!
Xingcai: Um, yes? Can I help you?
Yueying: Can you please tell me the way to go to the Shu palace?
Xingcai: Oh, you just need to go straight from here. Hm, speaking of which, you kinda look like my evil stepmother queen Yueying without makeup.
Yueying: (Fuck! I must be careful to not blow up my cover.) Um…yes, I am actually her mother, coming to pay her a visit. Thank you so much for your help. Will you accept this apple from me as a thank-you gift?
Xingcai: Oh, thank you! Hm, it kinda smells funny, though. Seems like it was dipped in cyanide.
Yueying: Um, no! It's just your imagination! Okay then, I'm off. (Hah! She fell for it!)
And so queen Yueying went to hide behind Guan Ping's house to see Xingcai eat the cyanide-apple.
Xingcai: Okay, then! Bon appetite!
And so Snow Xingcai took a bite from the apple. However, she coughed and held her chest in pain afterwards before finally falling to the ground, dead. You could hear queen Yueying's sound of victory from behind. However, at the precise moment it happened Guan Ping has just returned from mining.
Yueying: Ah! Yes, yes! Finally! Now that Xingcai's gone, I only need to wear my makeup back, and I'll be the fairest in the land! Ahahahahahahahahahaaa! Oops, I hope nobody heard that.
Guan Ping: Hm, what was that noise? Sounds like an evil queen's laugh. Oh well. Xingcai, I'm home.
Yueying: Oh shit! It's that dwarf! I better go before he spots me! goes away
Guan Ping: Hello! Xingcai? Xingcai! Weird, is she sleeping? opens door and sees Xingcai on the floor Gasp! Xingcai! What happened to you?! Answer me! sees the cyanide-apple An apple? Gasp, no way! It's dipped in cyanide! This must be the evil queen Yueying's doing!
After trying to rouse Xingcai for several times, Guan Ping realized that she's dead. Grieving, he then put her body in a glass coffin to preserve her, before then discovering that she can only be revived by true love's kiss. At that time, prince Cao Pi from the Wei kingdom was travelling to the kingdom of Shu to look for someone he could make his princess, coming across a mourning Guan Ping and Xingcai's dead body.
Cao Pi: (Hm? Who is that in the glass coffin? She's so…beautiful.) Hey, may I ask you why are you crying?
Guan Ping: Several days ago, the princess of Shu, Snow Xingcai was fleeing from the palace because her evil stepmother Yueying attempted to kill her to be the fairest in the land. She lived for several days alongside me, before queen Yueying, disguised as an old hag, gave her a cyanide-apple to poison her. She took a bite and died from it. And now, she can only be revived by true love's kiss.
Cao Pi: True love's kiss…is that so, why didn't you try it first?
Guan Ping: Hey, dude, I'm a dwarf. That would be gross.
Cao Pi: Oh, so you're a dwarf? Gee, never thought dwarfs are so tall in this kingdom. Well then, you mind if I try?
Guan Ping: Eh? Umm…go ahead.
Cao Pi: Alright. goes up to Xingcai and kisses her
Miraculously, Xingcai opened her eyes.
Xingcai: Uhh…umm…what happened?
Guan Ping: Princess! You're awake!
Xingcai: Umm…I guess so…oh? Who are you?
Cao Pi: My name is prince Cao Pi, from the kingdom of Wei. I was travelling throughout the entire country to look for my perfect princess. This dwarf told me that your evil stepmother queen Yueying poisoned you with a cyanide-dipped apple, and that you could only be revived using true love's kiss. I saw how beautiful you are, and tried it. Now that you've been awakened, it seems that you are my perfect princess after all. Come with me to the kingdom of Wei so that we'll live happily ever after.
Xingcai: Oh, um…I would be happy to!
Cao Pi: Yes! But wait a minute….
Xingcai: What?
Cao Pi: Your face seems kinda…familiar.
Xingcai: What do you mean?
Cao Pi: Hmm…what?!
Xingcai: Eh? What?
Cao Pi: Argh! NO! I remember it now…no way! THERE'S NO WAY THAT COULD HAPPEN! AAAAHHHH! runs away
Xingcai: Hey, wait! You said you're my true love! Come back!
Guan Ping: ….
Xingcai: Huff…I can't believe he's gone! How will I live now without my true love?
Guan Ping: Umm….I may not be your true love…but you could live with me if you want.
Xingcai: Really?
Guan Ping: nods
Xingcai: Okay, then. Thank you. Oh well, I was getting hungry. Could we get some apple pies?
Guan Ping: Uhh…I thought dying from an apple would traumatize you, but let's go!
And so Snow Xingcai continued to live alongside that dwarf Guan Ping and lived happily ever after. The End…or is it?
Meanwhile on the kingdom of Wei…
Cao Cao: Hm? Oh, my son! You returned so soon. I thought you're about to find your princess?
Cao Pi: Huff…huff…no, father!
Cao Cao: Uhh…what's wrong with you? You look pale. Was everything alright?
Cao Pi: NO, father. NO.
Cao Cao: Uhh…okay?
Cao Pi: Father, I KISSED MY NIECE.
Cao Cao: …..? You?
Cao Pi: I kissed. MY NIECE.
Cao Cao: Your…niece?
Cao Pi: standing still with a horrified expression
Cao Cao: Uhhh…okay, it's alright. We could look for more beautiful women to be your princess.
Haha, of course not! There are still many other wacky and magical shenanigans from the DW Fairytale! So keep on reading, and leave a review! Good day!