21 Ways to Ensure Death at the Hands of Severus Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Note to the readers: Take in the title. This story doesn't necessitate that I hate Snape. He's just easy to annoy, and I'm playing on the boldness of the twins to proceed with caution thrown to the winds here. :)) So take no offense, this is one of my sillyfics done at about 1AM, written to take the edge off. If one looks for a story a touch more serious, check out the other ones then. :D
BEGIN
Fred and George were walking past the halls of Hogwarts. It was Christmas break, and yet the two had opted to stay at the school for the holidays. The excuse they'd used was extra schoolwork and some detentions, although the fact of the matter was, they were perfecting some of their latest creations for the Weasely's Wizard Wheezes.
Doing their routine sweep along the corridors they frequented, namely the ones that led to the secret passages of the vast school castle, they chattered with a bit of flair, bouncing ideas back and forth, taking delight in the fact that not many teachers passed these areas. They found that passing by these places gave them the opportunity and inspiration to come up with great Joke Items.
They passed an empty classroom, and George, his mischief senses tingling, elbowed Fred in the side and pointed out the seemingly vacant classroom.
Mischief sparking, they strained their ears, and heard the characteristic grumbling of Filch, the castle caretaker. Muttering about Peeves setting off a dungbomb in the seemingly empty classroom, he walked out to presumably get some cleaning materials. The two swiftly ducked behind a suit of armor, holding their breaths waiting till he left.
Just as his coat-tails whipped past the corner, they saw a ratty piece of parchment fall out of his pocket. Remembering what they had found last time they had supposedly borrowed a piece of parchment from Filch, George's eyes glinted with mischief.
"You thinking what I'm thinking, brother?" George asked, as he noticed that his brother had spotted the piece of parchment as well.
Simultaneous nods, and they ducked out of their hiding place to pick up the scrap of paper.
Keen to avoid prying eyes, specifically the lamplike eyes of Mrs. Norris, they hastily returned to the Boy's Dorm, which was mercifully empty, and set out to read the intriguing piece of parchment.
Identical grins slowly formed on the pair's faces, as they read each line that was hastily scrawled upon the ratty piece of parchment, and devious plans began forming in their heads.
What was upon the parchment did, indeed, give the twins good reason to scheme and cackle, for it was a brief but effective list entitled, 21 Ways To Ensure Death at the Hands of Severus Snape .
1. Steal his wand from under his nose and wave it in has face screaming Uti, non abuti (To use, not abuse.)
2. Sing "Thriller" every time he walks into the bathroom.
3. Hug him in front of the whole school.
4. When he goes around the school, hum the "Imperial March" tune very loudly.
5. Find his diary, or if not, use Legilimency to find his deepest, darkest secrets.
6. Bewitch the Knight s Armors in each corridor to say them out loud every time someone passes and he is in the corridor.
7. Buy Fred and George's "Super Glue that cannot Be Un-stuck by Magical Means" (Fred and George cackled loudly at this one, knowing full well that the person who had written this was probably a customer of theirs.)
8. Put it in his 'hair grease', since everyone knows that he never washes his hair and does not have shampoo.
9. After he shaves his head bald, and after his hands finally 'un-stick', put a charm on it so it wont grow back.
10. Exclaim loudly, "It's alright! You look just like Voldykins now!"
11. Record yourself saying that and send the tape to Voldemort. Or better yet, bewitch one of your enemies to say it, then express mail the tape to Ralph Fienne---err.. Lord Voldy..
12. Come into class carrying a pink lacy panty with the words "Snape loves Mrs Norris"
13. Tell him, while holding it up for all the world to see, "Sir, I believe this is yours, I thought you might like it back?"
14. Give the panty to Filch.
15. At the Christmas party, hum the Jaws theme song as he drinks each glass of wine.
16. Switch his wine with Tequilla
17. Spike the Tequilla with laxatives, but bewitch the laxatives to set in after 1 night only, during his class the next day.
18. Apologize to him and burst into tears then collapse.
19. Repeat as needed.
A/N: Dedication to Valen123456 for the tip #1 inspiration! If this may be harsh in any way, please note that it is done in good humor. Feel free to point out where I made errors. This is all for the readers, anyway!
Thanks to MaximumFANGirlz for pointing out my error in that Snape never washes his head, although your username is a bit disturbing. *offers free cookies*
Thanks to Wudelfin, whom I PMed and your review gave me the idea to work it into a real story, since I forgot that lists aren't allowed.
Flamers are welcome. i expect a lot of flames for this, seeing as its kind of stupid and a tad pointless, but its humor all the same. Hope it took the edge off for you guys as much as it had me when I wrote it. Now off to do more serious stories! :))
Cheers!
--Pinka14