To Be With You

I waited, holding onto an ounce of hope for three months, praying for his return. I looked for encouragement in others, asking everyone I spoke with if they thought it was possible for him – my beloved Jecht – to come back. No one believed that Jecht was out there somewhere, still alive – aside from a few die-hard fans. But they were holding to the same pathetic faith as I. Those who knew him – teammates and neighbors – had given up on his return and people had begun to move on. Except me.

My own child wouldn't even speak of the matter! He, too, believed Jecht was not to return. He said he didn't care if his father came back; he hoped he didn't. How could his own child hate him so? I tried to convince my son to hope for his father's return, only to assure myself, but nothing worked. I'm not even sure what I had said to him, but I was feeling so desperate! I believe at one point I told the child that if Jecht never came back, he would never be able to tell him how much he hated him… what a horrible thing to say…

Why had he hated him? Was it the drinking? Jecht could get fairly aggressive when drunk and I had heard him say some things that perhaps he shouldn't to the boy. But shouldn't the child excuse him for his mental state? I always did…  

My son, Tidus, tried to act like he didn't care that his father was gone. He tried to talk tough and hateful… it was sad that he didn't realize he was being exactly like the one he hated. Tidus tried to act as though life was perfect then – but I saw him cry. He hadn't wanted me to see.

My son's refusal to hope made me angry, and hurt me inside my heart. Though he tried to make me laugh and carry on life without my darling Jecht, I didn't feel up to anything. I couldn't laugh; not at the thought that Jecht was still out there… somewhere. Though it pains me to say it, my son's refusal to hope made me… not even want to look at him…

I saw Tidus talking to the lady next door the other day. They were talking about me, no doubt. Everyone seems to be so worried… Am I that messed up without my husband? …of course I am. He was my life.

Maybe I was crazy in the first place, or perhaps simply foolish, but the first time I laid eyes on Jecht, I knew. The first time I saw his dark muscular body curving through the water at the stadium under the bright lights, I knew. When he pointed at me, amongst all the other girls there, and dedicated his famous shot to me… I knew…

When we met, I was completely stricken at once. I must have looked like a fool, but I had stars in my eyes the whole night. When he asked to see me again, though in not the most graceful words, my heart flew. From then on, every time his presence was near, my heart repeated that action. On our wedding day, I wasn't the least bit nervous, though he bumbled over his words clumsily and made me laugh. There was nothing to be nervous about; I was completely sure that I would be with him forever. Now, that promise he made makes me angry. He promised he'd never leave me… and I believed him…

Above the wedding and the splendid times, the most honored I ever felt was the day I bore his child. He was so proud… Simply seeing him that way made me feel special. I was the one who had brought him to this point in his life. I remember him cradling the baby… so small in his muscular arms. He was ever the proud father, buying his little son toys much too big. I remember the day Jecht brought home the first Blitzball… Tidus had been one year and two months old… It was funny to think about now, except that Tidus would never know how proud his father had been that day; the pictures were all lost to fire.

I held onto hope closely, as my best friend – it was the only thing I was familiar with. I slowly became distant from everyone and everything I once loved, devoting all my time to the window, hoping to see him coming home – but he never did. I begged for at least someone to come, bringing a report, but for a long time, no one did.

One day, someone finally came to my door. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was bringing news about Jecht. I didn't know who he was… and I didn't really care either. I had opened the door before he even reached the house, pulling my jacket tighter around me to await the news in the cool night air. Part of me hoped that this mysterious man would pass by, excusing the horrible news for at least one more day. Somehow, though, I knew he was here for me.

I clenched the doorframe tightly with a sweaty grip as the man stepped in front of me. Now that I look back, the only thing I noticed at first about the man was his large red coat – and a scar that ran the length of his face on the right side. He looked very somber, and didn't smile when he greeted me; I didn't really expect him to.

"Are you Kali?" he had asked then.

The tone of his voice told me he was already sure I was who he sought.  

"Y – yes," I said, choking on my answer as my heart began to beat faster.

"My name is Auron," he had said.

Then, he parted his lips and uttered the words I had been dreading to hear for months.

"Your husband, Jecht, is… gone."

The rest of his words were a blur of sound in my ears. My mind had frozen after his first words. So, it was true… Jecht… he was… never coming back… Many questions rushed through my mind. Though I'm sure the man had answered many of them with his speech, my ears were blocked. All I could do was nod occasionally and absently. Finally, he stopped talking; perhaps noticing I was too distraught to hear.

"Can I see your son?" he had asked.

I snapped back briefly, nodding and muttering an answer. I showed the man into the house and to Tidus, who was pretending to play quietly on the floor. He had heard every word. He was not a naïve child; his father had made sure of that.

I watched as the man sat down on the couch and began to speak to Tidus, who barely looked up at him and hardly spoke. I couldn't hear what they were saying. My mind wouldn't allow me to lose the horrible thoughts of life without him. I had nothing…

After the man had talked to my son, he glanced up at me, unsure of what to do. Was he distraught as well? Was it possible that he was close to my Jecht? Tidus was trying to ignore him, and I most certainly had not been very hospitable. Had Jecht asked him to come here? Was that at all possible? Perhaps it was time to listen.

I asked him outside onto the balcony. Though I wasn't sure I even cared now what had happened to Jecht, or how this man knew him, perhaps it would at least give him some comfort to talk to someone about it. We sat down in the cool of the night and I asked him his name once more. Auron. It took a moment to gather myself and ask him my questions.

"You… knew my husband?" I asked, hoping that he hadn't already addressed this at the door.

"I only knew him for three months," he said.

I was confused with his speech. How could he have known Jecht for three months? That was how long he had been gone!

"Where has he been?" I asked abruptly.

"It is… a bit hard to explain," he said. "But one thing you can be sure: Jecht did not leave you intentionally. It was something he had not planned for, but I assure you, he loved you and his son greatly."

I nodded, already sure of this. But, where had Jecht been? Why had he not come back to say goodbye? Did I really care to know at all?

"Jecht asked me to come here," the man with the scar continued. "He asked me to come and look after his son. Though he asked me to do this, I feel the need to inform you of my intentions."

I nodded. Let a man I didn't know anything about help raise my son? Sure. Why not? I had no other cares. If Jecht had known this man and thought him worthy enough why should I even begin to question? Even though my love was … dead… I would honor whatever he wanted.

I think that the man… Auron... was still talking at this point. I don't remember, because I couldn't hear the words. I lifted my eyes to him and caught sight of his eye. His single brown eye stared straight back into mine, fending off a pain inside. There was something there inside of him. Was it the same thing that was eating me away? By Jecht's death, had we both lost something special? Something vital?

I'm not sure exactly what I had been thinking then, but the more I looked at him, the more I saw my own lost love looking back out at me. I saw Jecht there, and somehow I hoped this man would be the connection between me and my husband. I became bored quite quickly with his words, until I was completely unable to listen at all. I was angered that this man wasn't my Jecht… and I hated him for it…

Looking there into the russet pool, tears rushed to my eyes in guilt. How could I? How could I be sitting here, staring at this man, wishing he was someone else? How could I wish that he was my beloved husband, when I knew he was not? I was being unfair, though he knew nothing of my inner wishes.

"I'm sorry," I muttered quietly.   

He shook his head slowly.

"I know it's hard," he had said understandingly. "It was hard on me, too…"

So, it was true: this man felt my aggression. He felt my pain. Was he… the only one who could understand?

Though I knew it was wrong, and I knew I was fooling no one but myself, with tears in my eyes I sought to kiss the man.

He didn't refuse me, though it was quite awkward. Our lips touched gently, enveloped in pain. The kiss was simply in comfort for one another; we both shared the same torment. I welcomed him into my home that night… and we made love out of the pain. I spent the night in the arms of a man I knew nothing about, but somehow I felt comfort.  His body was emotional shelter for my broken heart.

Perhaps everything was wrong, but I felt carefree after that night. Following that, my mind slipped away. Auron looked after Tidus after that, and I withdrew myself into my room, laying on the bed that I shared with my husband, ready to give up on living. I wanted to be with Jecht… no matter the cost.

Tidus comes in sometimes to see me and begs me to get up, but I can't. I'm stuck here in this bed, waiting here for death to come and take me far away to Jecht. Auron comes in on some days and sits beside my bed. He's confused – maybe a little scared – but I'm not. He doesn't say much… or perhaps I just don't hear him. I can't even look at him now, not after knowing that he isn't Jecht.

I have no energy, and my mind isn't working correctly. When I do speak, the words have no meaning. Could I be coming closer to my death…? I beg and pray for it.

In my deepest thoughts I see him standing there, waiting for me to come and be where he is. He tells me he loves me and that I'm almost there. I smile when I see him, and hold out my arms, but I can never reach him. I think back to our life together and how he would always make me feel special and wonderful. I hung to his every word and accepted his every thought.        

When I truly think into it, I think that maybe it wasn't really love. Perhaps it was simply a prolonged obsession. But I had a deep emotional dependence in him. Without that, I am simply an empty shell.

Auron… tell Tidus I love him. God knows I do. I'm sorry… I just can't stay here… anymore…

~fin~

*I don't guess I really believe this is how it happened, especially the Auron part, but this was just an idea that hit me. Please tell me if there is anything wrong with the information in this and let me know if it's believable. Thanks for reading!*