Shattered, a d.gray-man fanfic

Title: Shatter

Rating: T

Summary: What he had with Allen was delicate; it would shatter with the softest of touches. And, Lavi was afraid that he would be the one to break it. LavixAllen.

Warnings: Yaoi, Slash, Shonen-ai, BL, all that good stuff. Un-beta-ed.

A/N: My first fanfic, so be nice, please. This will contain Lavi/Allen, some Yuvilen, one-sided Lucky, , and some Lavi/Everyone.

Disclaimer: I own D.Gray-Man, just like I own a flying monkey, an eight-legged pig, and a giant panda in a suit.

Disclaimer (for those of you who don't get subtlety): I don't own, so please don't sue me, because I'm broke.

Key:

This is inside Lavi's personal logs, with him speaking to Allen.

This is in Allen's head.

This is Kanda's view.

This is third person.

These are thoughts while in third person.

Chapter 1: Departure

As a Bookman, I'm supposed to have no soul.

I'm supposed to be able to watch hundreds of people die and not feel the need to raise a finger to help, just taking records, deaths just statistics; just ink on paper.

As a Bookman, I'm supposed to be able to walk away whenever I have to.

I lie in bed and think. I think about walking away tomorrow; I think about turning my back on you and the others; you and Kanda and Lenalee and Komui… And when I do, my chest tightens and I feel pain, as if I'm pulling out my own heart.

As a Bookman, I'm supposed to be a watcher.

Somehow, without my knowing it, you turned me into something more. You make me want to jump in and lay down my life to protect what I, we, believe in, Allen. You make me want to throw away everything I've worked for since the age of eight, when I first met Bookman.

When I sold my soul.

I look at you, and I feel warm. I feel alive. I haven't felt alive ever since I watched my family, slaughtered, before my eyes, watched as they prepared to do me in next, watched as Lady Sandra saved me and dumped me on Bookman: an unwanted apprentice. I look at you and I see your smile, warm and sincere even though it's built on a foundation of pain and sorrow. I watch you, and I can see your strength in every movement. I see you every day, and I fall more in love.

I'm falling, and I'm falling hard.

And, this time, Bookman's not there to save me.

"…298, 299… 300!" Allen let out a gasp of relief as he righted himself over the chair, massaging his arm. He'd promise himself that he'd do three hundred of those one-armed pushes while balancing himself on a chair standing on one leg, and he had, every morning before breakfast to keep his physique up.

I wonder how Lavi does it… Allen though a little jealously. Lavi never exercised, just sat around in the library or stood around annoying Kanda while they were in Headquarters, and he managed to stay in shape. It was slightly annoying how effortlessly handsome the other boy always was while Allen had to spend hours combing his hair and tying and retying his red ribbon. Lavi just got up, threw on his headband after dragging a brush though his hair once, and stumbled into his clothes. He ended up looking like a male model.

Life was very unfair.

Allen's stomach rumbled fitfully, startlingly loud, like a rather mild clap of thunder even though, outside, it was warm and sunny with puffball clouds rolling lazily by. The white-haired boy bounded through the door, all but running to the most important meal of the day.

When the slender boy burst through the cafeteria doors, he was greeted with Lavi's familiar voice. "Yu-chan, you got back and didn't even bother to say hello to your best friend!"

Said anti-social samurai drew Mugen and pointed it at Lavi who, in a smooth, fluid motion oiled by much practice, dodged, managing to make the movement look comical rather than suave. The tall redhead pouted adorably. "Yu-chan, your being so mean," he whimpered, eyes filling with tears. Kanda glowered at the swimming, shimmering emerald orbs before him, unmoved. Eventually, Lavi broke. "Fine," he said with a dramatic sniffle, "I don't need you, you ungrateful meanie. All I need is Allen." He said childishly, grabbing the slender boy's arm. "Let's get some breakfast and leave that soba-eating buffoon."

Allen blushed and nodded, feeling his entire body tingle at the casual contact of the redhead's hand in his, pulling him away.

Behind the turned backs of the two exorcists, a narrowed grey eyes twitched. Kanda Yu did not react well to being referred to as some type of primate. He also did not react well to someone else touching his Moyashi.

Three long, sluggish, mission-less days had slunk uneventfully by when, finally, Komui called Allen and Kanda to his office.

"Ohayo (1), boys!" Komui sang from his seat behind a mountain of unfinished (and most likely untouched) paperwork. "I have a mission for you!"

"Big shocker there…" Allen muttered under his breath. He'd been woken too early by Lavi and his attempts at getting the white haired boy, Kanda, and Lavi himself to bond.

"With Moyashi(2)?" Kanda asked, even though there was no point.

"I have a name!" Allen yelled, exasperated. "It's Allen. Allen Walker. It's really. Not. That. Hard. Say it with me: Al-len Wal-ker. Al…" Kanda silenced him with a withering glare, and Allen cowered a bit. No one could resist the powers of Kanda's Death Ray.

"No, Allen's just here because I love annoying the crap out of you high-strung exorcists." Komui said, sarcasm dripping off of every word. He shoved two thick mission briefings toward the two exorcists. "You two are to go to Akumu(3). There's a serial killer there who cannot be caught, and we have a feeling that it is the work of innocence. You two must either convince the assassin to join us or find some other means to take it from them. The killer might be more than one person, but if it is indeed innocence, then… take care of only the one with innocence, if you can. Take these and don't die. You leave in two hours." Without another word, Komui turned his back to them, not even offering a goodbye. With an apprehensive frown, Allen turned.

"What's wrong with Komui-san?" The white haired boy asked as he and Kanda walked out of the cluttered office.

"I think Lenalee's absence has finally broken him." Kanda said coldly. "But it's no one's fault but his own. He was the one who sent Lenalee off to Australia with Miranda, and he knew full well how long it would take to get there, do their job, and get back."

"Well, maybe…" Allen began.

"There is no 'maybe'. I'm always right." Kanda said shortly. He, too, was acting strangely. He was even more of a jerk than usual, and he kept on staring at Allen when he though the other boy wasn't looking.

Allen sighed. It was no fun talking to Kanda when he was like this. Conversation was impossible.

"Whatever. I'm going to pack."

Allen wandered down the steep, shadowy stairs, trailing behind Kanda, floating off in his own world of self-pity. Missions with Kanda were always trying, but strangely rewarding in the end. Suddenly, he felt his foot slip and his stomach wrenched and his heart leaped up into his throat as he tumbled forward. His eyes squeezed shut, preparing for contact, but strong arms snapped around him, holding the smaller boy close. Allen looked up into the worried eyes of the other exorcists, and his heart sped up in surprise. He saw something strange in Kanda's eyes, something soft and gentle.

Kanda quickly released him, his eyes hardening into grey ice. "Be more careful next time, Moyashi." He grumbled, stalking off. Allen followed, unconsciously comparing Kanda's embrace to the impersonal touches he and Lavi exchanged. With Kanda, it had been slightly unnerving; something new and alien, but pleasant. With Lavi, his entire body warmed to the redhead, his skin tingling at the contact and his stomach fluttering and his heart doing cartwheels in his chest at the redhead's touch. Both reactions were very different, but not unpleasing.

Allen sighed. Things like crushes were something he had never wanted to deal with. He had always thought that he was straight because of his strong bond with Lenalee, but after growing closer to both Lavi and Kanda, he had come to question his sexuality before coming to the conclusion that he was most certainly gay. He couldn't be sure if the other two exorcists were as well, but Allen could only hope, though, with the way Lavi was constantly hitting on girls, hope for Lavi was diminishing. Often times, he'd feel himself leaning towards Lavi, but then Kanda would do something like before and drag him back to neutrality.

I wonder… if I ever have to choose between them, who will I pick?

Allen stepped out into warm lamp light that illuminated the slippery floor tiles of a large, tunnel-like canal that stretched out from Headquarters to the land below. Allen glanced around as he spotted a white-robed finder and Kanda waiting for him along with a little surprise. "Lavi!" He exclaimed, pleased that the handsome redhead was tagging along. "What are you doing here? Without Bookman, that is."

"I'm here to keep you and Yu-chan from killing each other." Lavi said with a sage nod. "Panda-jiji(4) is busy, so he told me to "get my useless behind out of my library and onto that boat with the destroyer of time and the living ice cube"." Seeing Kanda's incredulous and offended gaze, Lavi jumped to his own defense. "Seriously! That's what jiji said, word for word."

The finder, Matt, shook his head. "Lavi-sama, Allen-sama, Kanda-sama… May we please go?"

The four climbed aboard their small craft and Lavi pushed them out into the narrow canal with a long wooden pole, maneuvering them out into the open air.

The silence in the carriage was stifling as Matt sat outside, minding the horses as the three exorcists read over the mission details, Lavi and Allen sharing. Allen couldn't concentrate in the least with Lavi leaning over him, Allen practically in the taller boy's lap, Lavi's breath warm and moist against his throat, sending a delicious tingle down his spine. He felts his cheeks flame at the others boy's proximity, but Lavi seemed to not notice as Allen trembled ever so slightly.

Finally, Lavi pulled back and Allen's body melted into jell-o as he finally released all the tension in his muscles. "Well, I think it's important to note that the killer kills only criminals and is threatening to kill the oppressive dictator of Akumu whom nobody likes, and the killer might be more than one person but is probably a single person that is never caught and never leaves any unintentional trace of ever having been at the scene of the crime." Lavi said, smirking, because he knew very well that the white haired boy had been… distracted. "They kill differently every time and there is no detectable pattern, except that they kill only those who have sinned. The only way we can tell that the killer was there and that it is the same killer in every case is because of the cherry blossoms that they leave behind; one at the first scene, the amount rising in numerical order." He continued, his sharp memory kicking in. "At the most recent killing, there were thirty one flowers left behind, scattered around the body of the victim, the dictator's corrupt police chief. It was a symbol. 'We are powerful. We can take down the law enforcement. You can't stop us. We are justice.' This is the message that they've been sending to the people of Akumu. They have the people on their side."

Kanda frowned. "How will we find the killer if they're so hard to track?"

"Someone as elusive as the killer must be impossible to find!" Allen exclaimed, quickly losing hope. He hated missions where he had to act as some sort of detective.

"As stupid as this sounds," Lavi said, grinning. "We're left with one option: split up and hope we can find either the killer or some clue as to where they may be."

Kanda gaped disbelievingly. "You want us to walk right into this blind and just stumble along until we smack into them?"

"That's the idea, yes." Lavi said, smiling sweetly.

"Baka usagi(5)." Kanda growled angrily as the carriage trundled on towards the train station.

The train was quiet, the only people in the car consisting of Lavi and Allen who were sharing a seat, Kanda, off on his own, Matt quietly reading by the door, and an elderly woman and her granddaughter, a curvy blond a few years older than Allen, who was throwing flirtatious glances at Lavi. Allen glowered, a strange, unfamiliar fire filling him and reddening his vision as Lavi responded with his famous crooked grin. It was said that, when Lavi turned up the charm, no female between the ages of ten and fifty were safe, and that was exactly what Lavi was doing.

The blond girl who was making eyes at Lavi rose and swayed over, swishing her hips far more than normal, stopping in front of Lavi with a seductive smile stretched across her glossy lips as she introduced herself as Emily. Allen's eyes narrowed. He hated when girls came on to Lavi. They were all clingy octopus hands and loud, whiny voices. The white haired boy never quite understood what Lavi saw in females.

Lavi offered a warm smile, offering her the seat beside him, his voice dropping an octave and turning warm and sensual, making Allen shiver. Allen turned his face angrily away to stare through the window across then aisle, determined to ignore the two people sitting across the table from him.

"Aw, Moyashi-kun, are you jealous?" Lavi taunted, his voice taking on a teasing lilt, the smirk visible in his voice. Allen's head whipped around to regard the beautiful smiling emerald eyes of his redheaded companion with wide grey-blue eyes.

"W-what?" He chocked out. Am I really that transparent?

Lavi just smiled as the girl on his arm frowned. "Are you gay?" She asked in a loud, abrasive voice. Lavi shrugged smoothly, unaffected.

"Bi." He replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Emily's smile became predatory. "Well, then, I'm sure that we'll be great friends." She purred, leaning in closer. Allen stood abruptly, not caring if he looked like some lovesick fool.

"I have to use the bathroom." He said stiffly before turning and all but running down the hall, blinded by his own tears.

I can't believe what a fool I was. I though that Lavi, always trying to get closer to me, like me that way. I was an idiot. He isn't in to guys. He never cared for me more than as a friend. And now, I'm crammed into the bathroom stall, bawling my eyes out over something that never was.

I'm such an idiot. No wonder Lavi didn't want me.

No wonder nobody wants me.

"Allen!" Lavi yelled for the umpteenth time, pounding the lavatory door. "Allen! Please, come out!" The redhead could here broken sobs from inside the lavatory, and he felt his heart constrict. Allen…

Suddenly, the door was thrown open. "What do you want?" A red-eyed allen snapped, his eyes still shimmering with tears.

"Allen…" Lavi whispered, reaching forward to cup the younger boy's cheek, gently smoothing away a salty tear with his thumb. "Allen…" He repeated brokenly, tears flooding his own eyes. "I'm so sorry…"

"You don't even know what you're sorry for, bastard." Allen hissed, twisting out of Lavi's gentle hold.

"I do, Allen. I hurt you. I was a jerk, and deserve thirty of Panda-jiji's flying kicks. I shouldn't have played with Emily in front of you. I told her to go back to her Grandmother, so, please, Allen, come out." Lavi stared imploringly into pools of liquid, smoky sapphire. "Please…"

Lavi leaned forward and gently pressed his lips chastely, fleetingly, against the shorter boy's, holding his breath, his entire body tense with worry and apprehension. Would Allen reject him?

The younger boy's entire body snapped taut in surprise. Allen stared at Lavi's blissfully closed eyes with his own shocked orbs, and slowly felt himself relaxing. Lavi's kissing me… He's really kissing me… This isn't a dream… Oh, God, please tell me that this is real…

Allen was close enough to Lavi that he could smell him; he smelled of sandalwood and fresh air and nature and books and ink and fire and something so incredibly Lavi that it escaped words. Allen could also taste Lavi on his lips, sweet and warm and unbelievably delicious. He could feel Lavi's warmth, enfolding him as the taller boy wrapped his arms around his waist. Allen could feel Lavi's strength in every inch of the lean, wiry body pressed against him, gentle and contained. Allen let his own eyes flutter shut as he softly pressed back.

Lavi nearly cried in relief as he felt Allen shyly kiss him back. It was all he could do to go slowly, carefully, sampling Allen's soft mouth that tasted of mint and sweets; cool and refreshing. Lavi let his tongue slide across the younger boys bottom lip, seeking entrance. Uncertainly, Allen parted his petal-pink lips. Lavi spent what felt like forever kissing the smaller boy, tasting him in the fullest, teaching him how to kiss back, their tongues tussling, hands wandering, but not far.

Lavi pulled back, breathing uneven. He wanted nothing more to go all the way, but he knew that Allen wasn't ready. That had been his first kiss. Lavi wanted to be slow with Allen; he wanted to take his time and savor every moment.

Lavi smiled breathlessly down at Allen, who smiled up, lips kiss-swollen and cheeks flushed and rosy. "Come on, let's get back to the others before Kanda throws a fit and decides to make sure neither of us are able to use our innocence anymore." Usually, Lavi would just grab Allen's arm and pull him but, this time, he slid his hand into the other boys and twisted there fingers together. He lifted their twined hands together and gently kissed each of Allen's fingers and then the back of his hand, eyes never leaving Allen's embarrassed face. His smile was seductive but gentle and loving.

"Let's tell the whole world, Allen. Let's tell them of our happiness. I love you, Allen."

Allen stared up at the attractive redhead before him, heart thumping. It was everything he wanted, but it could be nothing at all. But the honesty in Lavi's eyes… "I love you too, Lavi. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever break us apart."

Lavi smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes. "Yeah... We'll be strong enough to face the world."

Allen grinned reassuringly. "Nothing will stand in our way."

Lavi nodded in agreement. "Nothing, Allen, nothing."

I look at you, and I want to love you. I want to pull you to me and protect you for eternity. They say that love can never be broken. But, one day, I know that Bookman's duties will break what we have. I've taken a risk, Allen. I've come forward, and I've confessed to you. You have no idea how happy I was when you spoke those five words, those five words I'll never tire of hearing, the words that are like a drug to me.

You are my drug, Allen. I taste you once, see your smile once, and I want to taste you again and again and I want you to never stop smiling. I want more from you than you can imagine; more of you than you can give.

But you'll try anyway.

You always give a hundred and ten percent, Allen, always pouring your mind and soul into one thing. You'll do that for me from now on, and I'm afraid, Allen.

I love you so much that, eventually, I fear that I may…

…break you.

When I watched Allen and Lavi walk through that door, hand and hand, I felt as if someone had driven a metal spike through me heart. I felt anger, white hot, burning behind my eyes, blinding me. It wasn't tears. I don't cry. Not even over Moyashi.

But Allen was happy. I could see it in his eyes, the way he stared up at Lavi, and the way Lavi smiled back. He looked like Lavi was the sun and moon and stars all wrapped up in one and delivered with a red velvet bow. I had wanted to be his gift from God. I had wanted to be the one who held his hands, who whispered sweet nothings to him on cold nights, who sat and did nothing but watch the rain with him, who swore to love and protect him for eternity.

But now Lavi's the one Allen loves.

Allen loves Lavi, and all I'm left to do is spout poetry over nothing and punch in walls and scream, but neither will ever hear me.

They never hear me. No one does.

I think Lavi knows. Last week, he approached me and told me that he loved Allen. He told me that I had someone else waiting for me. But who? Who would want me, cursed and cold and half the man I was?

And now, I think I know. I think I've known all along:

Lenalee.

I'll heal slowly, and I'll teach myself to love again. Every time I hurt, Lenalee makes it better.

Maybe Lavi isn't as stupid as I thought.

And maybe, Lenalee will mend my malfunctioning heart like Allen never could.

Maybe I'll be her sun and moon and stars.

And, maybe, just maybe, she'll be mine.

A dark figure wound himself through the deserted back alleys of Kyoto, nothing more than the whisper of cloth against skin, a shadow; a wraith. He paused, standing before a wall, bathed in shadow, deep and mysteriously. He stepped forward and slowly brushed his fingers against the bricks, melting through the solid wall and into the room behind.

It was richly furnished with a thick, plush, scarlet carpet and gilded armchairs clustered around the marble hearth. The man stepped forward, pulling off his top hat and smoothing back his hair, revealing dark marks stretching across his high, aristocratic forhead.

"Kombanha(6), Earl-sama." Tyki Mikk murmured, a slight smirk tugging at his lips. The light illuminated his grayish skin and wavy dark hair. He was dressed formally, per usual.

"Kombanha, Tyki-pon. I trust that preparations have been made for you to go to Akumu. I would've liked to fight Allen Walker myself, but you and Rhode should be more than enough to take care of him and his friends, too." The Earl smirked. "Come back with their heads, Tyki-pon. It doesn't matter to me how many die. Just come back with their heads."

(1) Good morning

(2)Bean sprout, in case you didn't know.

(3) Nightmare, but also the name of an imaginary town.

(4) Old Man Panda, Grandpa Panda (as in Bookman)

(5) Idiot rabbit

(6) Good Evening

A/N: Jeez, this is one long chapter! Over four thousand words! That nor be much for some of you, but for me, it's really long. I'll die without motivation after this one (cough-review-cough)! It went from positive to negative to positive to negative again. Review, and I'll give you Lavi-shaped cookies!

Jello