Tales of the Campfire
Summary: Estelle's got her reasons for not sleeping at night but she doesn't expect to join Raven around the fire that evening, and she certainly doesn't expect what comes next or know that by the end of it, the both of them are going to be irreparably changed. For good or for worse? Well, that depends on who you ask. GEN.
AN: This is my second collaboration with Legi (aka Salzarfalcon). It's also up on her page so please please please don't tell me I'm plagiarizing...because I'm not.
He usually cracks a joke or two about how the old man shouldn't be forced to take a late night watch. He'll say something like "Ah, but it's you young people that have all the energy! Us older folks need our beauty sleep." Then inevitably someone (most likely Rita) would negate his words with something along the lines of "I don't think beauty sleep does you any good, old man."
He would then let out an exaggerated sigh, hunching over in defeat and accepting his fate as late night watchmen with grace. But Raven would be lying if he didn't admit that he always puts on the show on purpose. In truth, he really likes taking the midnight eye. It's quiet and calm and it makes him feel like he is actually doing something goodfor these kids for a change.
He never feels like he does anything decent for them, especially not after his most recent actions. At first, it didn't matter if he did anything nice or kind or good for them. They were simply a part of his mission (multiple missions, actually). He wasn't there to help them; he had simply been there to watch, take notes, and push them in the right direction for his purposes.
Well, it was never for his purposes exactly; it was for Commandant Alexei's and Don Whitehorse's. It had all worked out so well, flawless even, until the unimaginable happened.
Raven got himself invested in this ragtag group of stubborn willed, bull headed, daydreaming children. He doesn't even know when (or how) that happened, let alone when he started doubting everything around him: who he was working for, who was right or wrong, what he cared about, and mostly who he was. In the end, though, he had done the unthinkable and turned full traitor on them; took their princess from their clutches and handed her over to the man who sought to destroy the world. The very person this group of ignorant children was fighting to stop with everything they had. The single guy in the entirety of Terca Lumireis that he knew was wrong (so so wrong).
But, now, here he is sitting at a campfire with Yuri, Karol and Repede sleeping off to his left and Judy, Rita, and Estelle in a tent behind him.
These kids are weird. Not only do they apparently trust him, but they claim that they now own him (at least he was used to that). That his life is in their hands and all just to keep him around; to keep him alive. It makes no sense at all to Raven but then again, he knew that Yuri was different from the get go. Anyone who follows him around has to be a little odd in their own right.
Not that he is one to talk.
And here is the problem with the quiet late night watch: it gives him time to think. Perhaps a little too much time. Raven usually starts by thinking about the day, moves on to think about the next day on its way, and finishes up by thinking about why he is allowing himself to carry on the way he is. He is never sure how that works out the way it does, but he has decided that it might be best to just roll with it because no matter how hard he tries it always ends up that way; ends up with him thinking it would be best to steal away in the night and rid these kids of his burden.
A small noise to his right forces Raven from his thoughts and he suddenly realizes that the fire has grown smaller. Putting his hands on his knees to push himself up he freezes as he realizes that there's a shadow moving from the girl's tent. Settling back down, Raven watches as the tiny figure approaches the campfire slowly, ever so cautious to keep from making any noise. Pink settles down two logs away from him and green eyes stare into the fire, completely unaware of his presence.
Raven puts on his best smile and scoots over on his own log until he's in the fire's dying light. He speaks softly, so he doesn't startle her, but keeps a bit of that 'Raven accent' he has perfected these past ten years. "Young princesses should be getting their beauty sleep this late at night."
Estelle generally likes to think that she's good at being quiet; never really the rebellious type, she's done her share of sneaking around the castle to get into plenty of the places she shouldn't (Hide spell books from her? She thinks not). It's not quite the level of sneaking she's experienced while traveling with Yuri, but not much is. There's a pretty big jump between avoiding her guards to get into the good libraries and avoiding death at the hands of various do-baddies, she thinks, and there isn't a lot that could have prepared her for it.
It's one of those nights where sleep doesn't come easily.
Sometimes she wears herself out to the point where it doesn't matter where they set up camp, and she'll be able to sleep through anything. Tonight isn't one of those nights. She can't help it; she's used to sleeping inside. Comfortable weather or not, it's hard to get used to the noises and the fluctuating temperatures and the uneven ground. Estelle never says anything about it because it's not like all of them aren't managing with the exact same conditions.
The last thing she wants to be is some spoilt little princess who can't handle some camping.
And sometimes, sometimes, she can't sleep for reasons other than the occasional pebble under her bedroll.
Still, she can't help that she can't sleep and Estelle's found that the best way to go about it is to just leave the tent, because Judy sleeps so lightly and everyone needs a full night's rest if they can get it and it won't be Estelle who gets in the way of that. She likes sitting around the fire on nights like this, because it's warm and crackly and she's found that she gets a lot of thinking done when she stares into it.
None of them lack for things to think about these days.
So Estelle toes open the tent flap and sidles out of it, sacrificing speed for silence. Rita sleeps like a rock, but Judith…no. Best to be slow and silent than rush it and risk waking her. They've all worked so hard today.
Usually, whoever has the late watch stands near the outskirts of camp, watching for monsters or any sets of eyes that don't belong peering out of the darkness, and that's why she assumes she's alone when she settles down on a log by the fire, leaning over into the warmth. It's childish, but part of Estelle likes the idea that if she tries hard enough, she can pull the comfort of the campfire underneath her skin and remember it when it's cold.
And then she's not alone because Raven suddenly materializes a couple of logs away and she didn't even know he was there, and for a good ten seconds, Estelle can only stare at him, wide-eyed.
"O-oh!" she exclaims when she shakes off the instinctual stiffening of her shoulders, "Raven! I didn't even know you were here. I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I didn't mean to interrupt you." She sends him a small smile over the firelight.
Raven waves a hand in the air and pushes his smile into his best grin. For some reason, grinning is easier than a simple smile when you're forcing it. Raven grins a lot; he likes to think he's mastered it like he has mastered his accent. "Nah, you're not interruptin' anything special; just an old man reminiscin' on boring things."
Standing up, he stretches a little, places a hand on his lower back, and crosses to the other side of the fire to pick up a few wooden branches Karol had gathered before going to bed. His back doesn't really hurt, but playing the old man card is something he likes doing. It's almost become his aura because in actuality, he isn't really all that old. Thirty-five might seem to be pushing it for this group of young kids, but there are a lot of older men out there. But they want him to be the old man, so he will be the old man.
Raven always plays the roles he is assigned.
Once the kindle is crackling and the fire is just a little too warm (which is perfect for these kinds of nights. A warm not to keep out cold air, but to make you feel safe) he sits back down and casts a quick glance at Estelle. She looks tired and who could blame her? Everyone had been through a lot recently, but she had had it the worst of all. Being a prisoner, tortured and used, by Alexei. He knows exactly how that feels so he could probably take a good guess at what she was thinking about because it was most likely the same things he thinks about.
And that is my entire fault.
What could he say to her? He had apologized, sure, and she had hit him pretty damn hard on the head and called them even, but he knew they weren't anywhere close to even. He did what he could to try and make up for it throughout the days. He would try to lessen the amount of work she had to put into a fight or make sure to heal the others before she had to use her own power, but it still never felt like enough. Nothing probably ever would.
To be blunt, he just felt awkward around Estelle (awkward was the least of it really; there was also ashamed and guilty and awkward), but he's learned to ignore that for the most part. Make idle chat when he needs to and throw in a joke or two here or there to hear a giggle.
Sitting back, Raven lets out a purposefully loud sigh and stares up at the stars. "I guess sleeping mats and flimsy blankets aren't exactly castle material, huh?"
Estelle looks away from the now-larger fire to watch him.
Aside from their one very short conversation directly after the ordeal with Alexei (and she does not think about Yuri's blood on her hands, thank you very much, don't forget the postcard), she hasn't really spoken all that much with Raven. Not just because she doesn't quite know what to say to him now, but because she looks at him and the shame threatens to overwhelm her. If Estelle has to pick out one thing that she regrets most, it's that she didn'tmake an effort to get to know him, because it became so clear so quickly that they really knew nothing about him.
What's worse is that no one tried. She knows she didn't, not anywhere near as hard as she should have. It might not have changed things, but it might have changed something. What, she doesn't know.
But they should have. He was a part of the team, he fought and healed and laughed with them and no one, including her, even tried to really know who he was. She thought they were friends and she knew nothing, knew nothing of his pain and worries and fears like she knew the others'.
And that's why it's such a problem now, she thinks with no small amount of self-recrimination.
That's what the night and the fire are for, because that's the only chance Estelle really gets to sit and process the way she just needs to sometimes, when her head gets full and she starts running herself in circles.
She shakes her head.
"No, it's not that so much," she says, because it's not, "I guess it's still hard to get used to, that's all. The noises and everything." She smiles sheepishly, "Judith is a light sleeper; if I stay there I'll wake her up." Maybe it's a little too warm now, but that's alright. She kind of likes it. Estelle twists her bare hands in the hem of her sleeping shirt. "Do you mind company while you reminisce? Two people on guard are better than one." Estelle takes the night watch too when it's her turn just like everyone else, and she can watch out for monsters just as well as anyone else.
She doesn't mention that if he asks her to leave, she'll do as he says but probably stay awake the whole night, staring up into the fabric of the tent. He doesn't need that too.
Raven closes his grin to his perfected one sided smirk. "Now do you think this old man would deny the company of a pretty young lady? Besides, you've probably got better hearin' and eyesight than me."
Seeing a small tug at Estelle's lips, Raven gives a short nod, more for himself than anything, really. At least he accomplished something tonight, even if it wasn't a whole lot. That's what he's decided he is going to do from here on out. At first it was just to help Yuri and the others get Estelle back, but that backfired on him pretty quickly with the whole 'belonging to Brave Vesperia' thing. So now in the days after finding the princess and before fighting Alexei for the last time at Zaude, he would make someone smile.
He didn't have a very good track record right now, but it was something for him to focus on. Something to keep him focused. It was an objective he made up after they rescued Estelle. He hasn't made any purposes for himself in a very, very long time so he didn't really remember how to. He felt like he was pulling at strings, but everyone's got to start from somewhere. He had started over once before, he could do it again. Hopefully.
Maybe.
But then the silence falls again between him and Estelle and Raven suddenly finds himself unusually fidgety. He could talk, but what the hell do you talk about with the person you betrayed and handed over to a complete psycho? He knows "So how are you feeling on this fine night only a couple weeks after you had been tortured both mentally and emotionally?" is probably a bad conversation starter.
Realizing that something (that look that he has never been able to mask completely when he's thinking about the past) must have slipped onto his face, Raven catches Estelle eyeing him curiously and he straightens up. "H..hey what ya given me that look for? I got somethin' on my face? Oh, I bet my hair is a mess after we passed through all that wind in the mountains this afternoon."
He reaches up and runs his fingers through his bushy, mess of a ponytail. It's not long until they get caught in a massive knot and Raven flinches (legitimately because it kind of hurts) as he tugs. "There's no helping this mop I guess. I don't know how Yuri does it, his is twice as long as mine and he keeps it down! That would drive me crazy." Twisting his hair tighter he rolls it up into a small, splayed bun. "Oh! Maybe I could have one of those neat buns like Judy. I bet she never has to worry, although I always wondered if that top knot was ever heavy on top of her head…"
He is just rambling now but that's what he is good at; rambling about pointless things so that no one would want him to talk about any real subjects. Anything he isn't good at talking about.
Estelle can't fight the small smile that plays on her face and to be honest, she doesn't really want to. At least, not until Raven gets a funny look on his face that she's not entirely comfortable with because it reminds her a little too much of how she feels sometimes.
She stays quiet and considering until the man starts wrenching at his hair and she fights the urge to stop him. She remembers when she had long hair and how finger brushing it just made it worse, especially if she'd been practicing her swordsmanship and it had gotten sweaty and disgusting, and then it would stick to itself and knot and drive her absolutely out of her mind—
That may or may not have had a good deal to do with why she had decided to get rid of it in the end, thanks to a wonderful accident and her own blade.
"I think Yuri's hair might be magic," she replies with a half-grin, "Goodness knows mine never stayed that nice." She's not the tiniest bit resentful over that one, no. Not a single, little bit. Except that she kind of is, because no man should be allowed to have hair that nice without work.
She manages to stay her hands until Raven hits a snarl that very clearly hurts him and then she can't stand it anymore.
Estelle scoots closer until she's sitting next to him and taps his hands. A quick, perfunctory touch that she retracts quickly, mostly due to the way he stiffens up at the slight contact.
"May I?" she asks after a drop of hesitation and waggles her fingers tantalizingly in the air.
As much as she wants to reach out and help –because this is something she can do-, this time she needs to ask. Not just for him but maybe for herself too, not to mention…well. Estelle doesn't know for sure –because she never asked, she never asked-, but from what she can tell, the last time anyone decided to 'help' him, Raven got a blastia put in his chest.
She won't add to that. She can't.
The conversation diving bombing from "awkward" to "run away worthy", Raven doesn't know how to respond when he notices the princess sitting next to him, her eyes staring up at his jumble of a ponytail and her fingers twitching in the air. It's a simple question for a relatively harmless gesture, but Raven's hair is a little more than just an annoying mop to him. (It is first and foremost an annoying mop, though.)
There is a reason he kept it up in an unkempt fountain on the top of his head and it isn't to keep him cool or to keep it out of his eyes. If he wanted to do that he could just chop it all off and keep it short; that was never going to be an option. Ever.
It is because when his hair isn't up in a ponytail, when it is down and shading one eye in its slick natural state, he is an entirely different person. When it was short and not long, he lived a different life.
Up was Raven. Down was Schwann.
Short was then. Long is now.
He never wanted to take it down again. Especially not in front of this group; even more so in front of Estelle.
Untangling his hand, Raven begins to shake his head. This conversation is going down a road he really doesn't want to be on. But seeing the princess' green eyes go from his face to his hair again he backtracks. It was better than sitting around in an awkward silence and he is very good at steering conversations in various directions towards his own liking.
So it's either refuse and make an awkward moment even more awkward or say yes and see what happens.
Well I'm not getting out of this one very easy now am I?
Blue eyes meet green and Raven ducks his head slowly, hesitantly. The girl probably needs a distraction as much as he does.
"Uh, if you insist; all I can say is good luck! I've been trying to tame it for 35 years and I've never been successful."
Estelle waits until she gets the (very, very reluctant) go-ahead before reaching out and undoing the cord that keeps Raven's hair up. It takes a little finagling just for that and when she has it out…well. It's a little scary. Actually, the entire situation is a little scary for more than one reason. Raven's tense and unhappy, that much is obvious, and she's not sure whether it's at the prospect of someone touching his hair or the fact that it's her and she's not sure which she prefers.
She wouldn't blame him if he was uncomfortable being around her.
A wreck is really the best word for it, Estelle decides, and considers how best to go about doing this. He's taller than she is, and sitting like this on the same log makes things difficult.
"Um…if you wouldn't mind, I can reach better if you'd sit on the ground. I mean, if that's okay."
Aside from the ring of dirt and rocks to keep the campfire contained, the rest of the area's grass, and Raven gives another one of those funny looks (made just the littlest bit legitimately funny by the tangled mess falling around his ears) but scoots down to park himself in the grass to lean against the log.
"Thank you," she murmurs lowly and finally manages to touch, starting at the ends. She hits the first knot around the nape of his neck and she works at it with her fingertips, tugging strands here and there to try and avoid breakage if at all possible. "Please tell me if I hurt you, it's been a while." It's been longer than a while, not since she had her own hair to do this to, and she hasn't ever felt bold enough to ask Yuri.
That it's Raven and not anyone else is the part that's most new, and Estelle does her best to stave off her own tension and anxiety over it.
There's something very calming about it, at least to her, and in between working the tangles, Estelle uses just a touch of nail on his scalp, a touch that has little to do with the job at hand and everything to do with maybe getting him to relax a little bit more. It's obvious enough in the way he holds himself and even if she doesn't entirely succeed with his hair, maybe she can make him a little more comfortable at least.
There's a lot that Estelle wants to say, little of it easy or comfortable or safe, and she doesn't know what right she has to say any of it. It's easier to touch than to talk right now, for her anyway, and gradually some of her own tenseness fades away into something she can't name.
But she knows (from experience, and she wishes that it wasn't) that there's a point you hit where you have to say something or you explode. Estelle doesn't like to remember how it feels to hit that point and she knows full well that Raven hasn't said a word, to anyone. And why would he?
She pulls in a steadying breath and subconsciously, her hands still in his hair, the ashy untangled strands slipping through her fingers.
"Um, Raven…" she begins unsteadily, and the man in front of her stiffens further, "You probably, um, probably don't want to hear this from me, but if you ever needed to talk to someone…" she trails off, feeling stupid and out of place and then feeling even stupider for feeling that way, "If you wanted to, I mean..."
Estelle's touch is as light and delicate as you would expect from a princess. Her slender fingers barely pull at his scalp as they slowly untangle his raggedy locks in a practiced motion. Raven finds himself between being completely mortified that this was happening and maybe kind of enjoying it. It is hard to not feel somewhat embarrassed; his hair really is an awful rat's nest. He hadn't found the time to give it a good brushing after he had met up with everyone again on Heracles after…well he would rather not think about the last time his hair had been down.
He hears her statement; it reaches his ears, but at first he can't quite grasp what she is saying. She is talking and he knows the definitions of the words, but together they're not making any sense.
And then they finally do make sense as Estelle's hands stop their subtle movements and a few wisps of hair brush his neck. Raven whips a hand up immediately to get them away from his skin and he goes stock still, stuck somewhere between wanting to run away or burst out laughing and it takes everything he has not to do either. It's not long until his muscles are shaking from restraint and his throat is dry and burning. Suddenly he wishes he hadn't made the fire so warm.
His raised hand tenses and his knuckles burn white as fingers curl around his neck, nails digging into his skin. She didn't mean it. She couldn't be serious. Just…why? Why would Estelle even suggest that she would want to listen to anything he has to say? Anytime he opens his mouth someone in the group was rolling their eyes at him and that was perfectly alright with him. That was how it was supposed to be; they were supposed to roll their eyes at him; they weren't supposed to want him to talk.
For as perceptive as he is Raven likes to think he can usually tell where a conversation is headed, but this was not what he had expected. He had just wanted to make Estelle smile a little, and if he was lucky maybe manage get a small giggle. She is tired and stressed and everything else not fun about human emotions, but that means she should be worrying about herself. Not him. Never him.
He can't allow it. Not now; not when everyone has greater things to worry about. Not when Estelle needs to make peace with everything that has happened to her; which will take time and spirits, how he knows it's not any small amount of time either. Not when Karol is trying to start a guild and get over his own fears and insecurities at such a young age. Not when Judith is trying to reason with herself that she's made the right decision against her Entelexia friends. Not when Rita is on the brink of discovering a way to help this world; save this world. Not when Yuri is being the calm, collected one; leading the group while trying to keep his own head on straight (because he can't fool Raven; behind those dark eyes is everything but serenity).
He swallows hard, his dry throat itching, forcing him to cough before he finally finds his voice. It's shaky and he can't remember exactly what Raven is supposed to sound like. "N- now what would this old man have to say that would be of any interest to a young princess like yourself?"
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. He sounds all wrong.
Estelle freezes. It's not like she expected him to be particularly forthcoming, not when this is the first that she's so much as asked about the things he thinks, the things he feels. It's really not. But there's something in the way that Raven goes still and tense that she hates, like he's scared.
She doesn't want that. Not for him. Not from him.
He doesn't sound right when he speaks, a little bit hoarse and more like a croak than anything else, like something's choking him and tripping up his words and it sounds so wrong.
He's speaking now, but it's unusual for him to be so quiet in front of any of them, she can't help but remember. In all the time he'd traveled with them, he was the one who was always laughing, always smiling, forever failing to slip into the quiet spells that they all indulge in every once in a while. How much had he faked and how much had been real? Estelle can't help but think about it now (it's easier to think about than it is to remember how easily her sword had cut into her friends when they hadn't been quite fast enough but not by much) and to make matters just a little more grave, she can't help but wonder which possibility was worse: that it had always been fake and none of them knew or cared, or that some of it had been genuine and they'd ignored him anyway.
It makes her stomach churn.
Estelle forces herself to move again and picks up the hair he'd been so quick to brush away, smoothing it down and carding it up in a pattern she know without thinking about it.
"There's a lot you could say that would interest me," she whispers, so quiet that a breeze could blow it away, but she's pretty sure he hears her anyway.
It's all so awkward but she doesn't pull her hands away from him. It'd be easier, certainly, for both of them –they could pretend that things were normal-, but something's niggling at her, something that says if she lets him go now, they'll never get him back.
She doesn't even want to think about that.
Estelle may or may not also be untangling with one hand and simply carding the rest with the other, but that's neither here nor there. She's never had anyone else to do this for, never had any friends in the palace, never anyone but herself and it's nice, she thinks, to be able to do it now. Even if the way it comes about is nothing like how she expected.
"You know," she says after a few minutes of quiet, "I don't know how much good it does now, but I'm sorry for how I treated you this whole time," Estelle hates how her own voice shakes, from shame and fear and maybe a drop or two of hope, "I mean, from the start. I was unkind to you and never appreciated the ways you helped us, and I'm sorry."
She knows that things got bad, she does and she can't ignore it, but Estelle also can't ignore her own part in that. If Raven is going to be staying with them (and she very much wants him to), she can't go around the whole time with a lump of guilt in her stomach. She'll own it and apologize and hopefully, they'll be able to be friends properly this time.
"I'm so sorry."
"S-sorry?!" Raven stutters and hears his voice pitch with all the confusion that hits him like a fist to the face. His hand drops from his neck as she picks the stray locks of hair off his neck (thank you, thank you, thank you!), but it immediately falls to the grass next to him and he balls around the cool damp strands and holds. He holds them like they're the only thing keeping him from getting swept away by a wind that wasn't there.
He really wants to be blown away.
"Why?" He wants to ask (hell he wants to scream it at this point because, seriously…why?), but he stops himself. She did just apologize to him right? Why…why would Estelle be saying sorry to him? After everything he had done to her, after all the trouble he had caused them since they first met, here she was feeling guilty that she hadn't been nice to him?
She is crazy; that has to be it.
Nothing he has done merits an apology (of any kind) and he was never expecting to hear one. He planned out his actions with all of that in mind. He is annoying on purpose; sarcastic, whiny, and wistful so that the group doesn't feel bad about not getting to know him. And it worked. Yuri and Rita certainly never pay attention when he talks (which is fantastic most of the time). Judith plays along in his antics (and he is all too aware that she can see right through him), but she doesn't go any further than that. Karol obviously just doesn't know what to make of him; which is perfectly a-okay (if not a little sad because Raven is genuinely proud of the kid). Hell, even Repede lets outs out a sigh when he back flips at just the right (or wrong) moment.
They own him. His life was Brave Vesperia's (and friends). You don't apologize to something you own. You use it to the best of its abilities and when it is of no more use, you do anything but apologize to it!
And here Estelle is saying she's sorry. Sorry! So, what is he suppose to say to an apology he doesn't deserve?
"There's nothin' for you to be apologizing for. I never gave you kids a reason to be nice to me in the first place; I just consider myself lucky you all put up with me for as long as you did." He lets his head drop a little to stare at his fidgeting hands. "That ya still are for that matter."
Realizing that Estelle's hands were still busy in his hair he shakes his head forcing her to withdraw her fingers from his locks. He can't sit still anymore; he needs to get away. This just isn't right.
Pulling forward, he sits up on his knees and his hair falls out of Estelle's tiny hands onto his neck, brushes his shoulders; his view of the campfire obscures as his bangs fall across his eyes. Raven feels an instant change in himself.
Hair down, left eye covered, his voice automatically drops into a practiced monotone and unemotional drawl.
"There's nothing I've done to deserve any kindness from you milady."
Estelle wants to immediately deny all of it the moment he starts talking except that she's distracted, not by the words but by how sad he sounds when he says them, and it makes her hurt just like Rita or Karol makes her hurt when anyone mentions family.
She stills when Raven pulls away from her hands to let his hair fall forward into his eyes and feels something inside her go a little bit cold at the change in his voice. It's like he's another person entirely. He doesn't look like the Raven she doesn't know right now but neither does he really look like Captain Schwann (who she doesn't know either but at least recognizes).
Eventually she just says, simply and quietly and almost too low to be heard,
"That's not true at all."
If he denies it, she'll repeat it as often as she needs to because there's nothing he can say or do to change her mind, not on this. He might think he doesn't deserve it, but he's wrong. He's so, so wrong.
"How many times did you heal someone before I could finish casting? You didn't have to do that," she continues in the same tone, "That would be enough even if that was all there was, but it's not. You've cooked for us and helped set up camp and you're keeping watch right now. You don't need a reason to be nice to someone. You certainly don't need a reason to be nice to a friend."
And that's the thing, isn't it? Her own feelings about Raven are complicated at best and it's a work in progress to sort through it all and figure out the details after everything that happened but she knows this much: he's a friend and she helped make this happen. And she'll never be able to fix it or herself if she doesn't try her best to help him.
She reaches out again and instead of continuing what she was doing, just drops her hand to his temple and strokes backwards to brush his hair out of his eyes.
The motion is foreign and strange and she feels so clumsy right now. There aren't any words and Estelle desperately wants to just break down and beg for him to speak, to say something, anything. As long as it's honest. As long as it matters.
Even though she knows she doesn't deserve it, not really.
She has to do something or she's going to lose him, she can feel it. He's not saying how he feels but she'd know that look of abject misery anywhere and she knows that underneath the stoicism (real or fake, she doesn't know and she doesn't care) Raven's anything but quiet. Estelle knows that there's nothing good under that wall he's thrown up, as plainly as she knows that if he doesn't let go at least a little bit, something's going to break and it won't be pretty.
"Raven?" Estelle asks and shifts a little bit on the log, "Please don't call me milady. I'm Estelle. …Just Estelle. Okay?"
Raven wants to pull away. Every nerve in his body is itching to jerk his head from her touch and he flinches as his hair flips back from his eyes, but he manages to, somehow, stay put.
He hears Estelle's words, but can't entirely understand them; they're distant like the last echo or two bouncing off a canyon wall. He knows what she means, but trying to accept it as truth was something he couldn't wrap his head around. Sure, you don't need a reason to be nice to someone. You can be nice to a complete stranger for no reason, but once you get to know a person and if that person wrongs you, you have every reason, and right, not to be nice.
When did things get so complicated? Things were easy when he was a spy, a traitor. He knew who he answered to and he knew what his job was. He knew what needed to get done and he knew how to do it without really thinking. He knew who he was and he knew what his fate would be in the end. It was easy. Easy to be two people, easy to lie and cheat and not care. It was easy when he knew he didn't actually matter to anyone.
This? This wasn't easy. Weren't those things Estelle listed just stuff he was obligated to do? Since when were simple tasks a reason for being nice to the guy who tried to kill you? When did he start to question who he was and why he was doing the things he was doing? When did Raven start to take over or when did Captain Schwann start to disappear?
Were the pieces of his being so shattered that he couldn't even hold them all together? Just like how wisps of his hair would escape from his tie and whip around in the wind causing painful knots that were difficult to pull apart; difficult to separate again.
He takes a short breath that doesn't feel like a breath at all. "Raven?" He says the name out loud, whispers it to himself.
It sounds so foreign to him. For almost ten years he's been called that (by some, not all), but it is his third name. It's the tattered, worn, and hazy remnants of someone… someone that was lost a long, long time ago.
"No, Estelle, I certainly don't deserve an apology." He doesn't sound like Raven or Schwann now. He doesn't know who he sounds like. He's heard the voice before and it is familiar in the way that a smell can bring back a long lost memory (the kind of memory when you know when it happened and maybe where, but not whom it happened with or any clear details). "There's nothing more to it than that and you need to focus on what is really important here."
He tries to pull forward again, but this time slender fingers catch his hair and hold.
"I think I know exactly what's important," Estelle interjects, no room for argument in her voice or in her fingers.
I'm just not so sure that you do.
She catches and holds because she has to but she stands firm because she wants to, and something important feels so close that she can almost taste it. She holds with her heart and her hands too, resting fingertips that heal and hurt to his temples.
Estelle's never seen Raven look so lost and she thinks that this might be the most honest he's ever been, at least around any of them. She doesn't like that it's pain but she prefers it to a pretty lie, of so-called normalcy as flimsy as paper cutouts and something so fake that it burns. It would be easy enough, she knows, to pretend that nothing ever happened. That he's just the vapid easygoing guild member who always seems to know everything, the guy who takes the insults with a smile, that she's the same little princess who doesn't know what it really means to hurt.
It's so easy that she can't do it.
"You told us that you'd still like to be called Raven." There's something to that, Estelle knows, and she's so close. She leans forward as she speaks, like she's spilling a secret. "If…if you ever change your mind, any time…tell me first. I'll listen, I promise."
"Well of course I told you to keep calling me Raven; that's who you met first isn't it?" The person Yuri met back in jail, the person Estelle, Rita, and Karol had met in Nor Harbor; the tag along that Judith met at Ghasfarost. "It would be confusing if I gave you a different name."
"Sometimes I don't know who I met. But I'd really, really like to."
Raven can't help but physically flinch. His voice drops low; the same way it did on Mount Temza, when he saw the craters on the battlefield he never wanted to remember. "That makes two of us then."
The heat from the fire is drying his eyes out now and he closes them against its light. There's a small breeze just strong enough to whip smoke in their direction and the smell chokes him. He knows this smell, he knows the fire's heat, and he knows the feeling of soft hands in his air. He knows the sadness in an earnest apology.
"The last time someone apologized to me," Raven hears himself talking, but at the same time it's not him. It's someone else; someone he knows. "She died. Then I died. And in the end, it was meaningless because I didn't die."
Estelle keeps her hands on him, steady and soft. This is what she wanted; Raven's finally talking a little bit now and that's exactly what she wanted, and she knew that he couldn't possibly say anything good but she didn't expect for his words to kick her straight in the heart, clenching tight and twisting like fingers.
She thinks he needs this as much as it hurts.
If he can't speak, then none of them can walk forward, and she desperately wants Raven to be walking with them when it comes.
"Tell me about it," she murmurs quietly, trying to encourage and soften and strengthen the best she can. She's not sure what to say to keep him talking but she said she'd be there to listen and she won't be going back on that anytime soon, not if it's up to her.
She's there and she's not leaving.
"Damuron."
Raven's breathing speeds up and his hand reaches up unconsciously to his chest, his fingers curling around the metal orb over his heart. It's warm to the touch and he can feel it pulse like the beat of something that should be human. What is wrong with him? Why is he talking about this? Where are the words coming from? He hasn't said that name in ten years. He never wanted to say it again. He never wanted to hear it again. It isn't his anymore. He doesn't want it.
"Damuron Atomais. That was my name before the war."
Estelle isn't expecting this. The last thing she expected was for him to tell her was his name, his real name, not Raven or Schwann or any of the various aliases he may have used in the past, and somehow that feels more important than anything else he could have told her. It doesn't feel like trust exactly, trust takes time, time that they haven't had, but she knows that it's important and she's going to treat it as it ought to be treated: an admission of something that she's sure no one else knows.
And he told her.
Maybe it's because she's convenient, maybe it's because she pushed and shoved her way into it but somehow that name feels like a gift, a precious gift that Estelle is going to protect come hell and high water.
"Damuron…" she says quietly, rolling the name around in her mouth like something new. "Damuron." She brushes untangled hair through her fingers, "That's a beautiful name."
"Not really." A log on the fire cracks and the small pile of wood crumbles to the bottom of the pit in a shower of sparks. Raven jumps a little at the unexpected shift of heat and noise. He watches as a stray spark dances in their direction; slowly gliding back and forth before its orange glow snuffs out.
"It's the name of a noble's inadequate son and the name of a knight who was naive about the world. He was a carefree guy who didn't think much in life really mattered as long as he had his friends and ambitions."
It's weird, not talking in his practiced and perfected accent. He is wearing the clothes for Raven and carrying his weapons for Raven, but Raven wouldn't be telling this story to anyone. Still, he continues, despite his mind screaming at him to stop in every way possible.
"Damuron was a letdown to his father; he cared too much for the people around him and not enough about his name and money. He didn't care much for his father's opinion either so he joined the Imperial Knights hoping that maybe, he could make a difference without needing to use his status."
Raven can picture his characters and the setting of his story perfectly. The grand capital Zaphias nearly twenty years ago (not that it's changed a whole lot since then). A young man with short, untamable hair and his friends working under a very young, charismatic Captain named Alexei Dinoia. It is all so real and familiar and yet…not.
He hasn't thought about this in a long time. He hasn't wanted to think about it. Now… maybe he does kind of want to tell the tale. There's a prickling at the back of his mind and it's telling him that, if there is ever going to be a time to talk, now is it. Because if he doesn't talk about it he's going to break and he can't bear that. Not again.
"Damuron worked hard, made friends, became a skilled fighter, rose through the ranks, fell in love…"
He stumbles now, nearly choking on his own breathing. He tries to pick the words back up, but they only start to tumble out in a mess and it's embarrassing and he wants to stop, but he can't. If he stops now he won't be able to keep going. He'll be halfway up the mountain side with no water or food to last him the rest of the trip up, or back down.
"He found out what he was passionate about and what he wanted to do for the kingdom and his friends and for himself. He was on his way to becoming a great man, but he was stupid and brash and a hopeless dreamer; stuck in ideals that could never be real."
Estelle waits until he pauses in his words before she speaks. She hears every one of them, remembers them, and puts them together with the man in front of her now. It's strangely easy to picture in her head despite how Raven speaks like he's talking about someone other than him: the idealistic, good-hearted knight who loses everything in the end, even his life, only to not even have that happen right.
And he did seem to have lost everything, if she reads what he's saying and puts it together with what he's not saying.
"Damuron sounds like a very good man," she tells him quietly and watches the fire instead of Raven, because she knows how it feels to be afraid to be seen so vulnerable. It's almost uncomfortably warm and Estelle can see her fingers shake a little bit from tension and more than a small amount of worry. She wants him to know that she's still here and she's still listening and she's going to keep listening until he's ready to stop, whenever that happens.
However that happens.
"I think he sounds like a very, very good man."
Despite the hands still tangled in his hair Raven shifts to look up at the sky. There are more stars than he remembered seeing at the beginning of the night just after the sun had first met. "I suppose he was, in some ways. He admired those ahead of him and strove to be a better person to achieve the goals he had set for himself. He endured a lot, but kept pushing forward. It…it wasn't his fault the war came."
Right? That wasn't something a knight could avoid. If there was a battle being fought a knight should not be anywhere else but the field of steel and blood. A knight's duty was to live and die, if need be, for a cause they believed in.
"He fought hard in that last battle and he lived. He survived because his friends had sacrificed themselves for him and when things were supposedly said and done with, he got orders to keep killing. To kill the very person who had ended the fight; ended the war. And he did so because he believed in those around him and in the person giving him those orders." Closing his eyes against the stars he lets out a long shaky breath. "And then he wasted his friend's sacrifices. He died in the battle that wasn't supposed to happen. Trying to kill a man he wasn't supposed to kill and fighting people he wasn't supposed to fight against."
Lifting his hands Raven stares down at his calloused palms. Rough and dry from his bow they're worn, and now they're shaking, just ever so slightly. "Then I woke up and it was like taking the broken pieces from a mirror and trying to make two entirely different mirrors from the remnants. There's not enough to go around; so you pick and you chose what pieces should go where and see if you can't make them pass for something at least somewhat functional.
"You hate being a cracked broken mess and you wish you had never been glued back together, but at the same time you can't help but feel indebted to the craftsmen that gave you a second chance; even if it is all wrong. You get used to being used in the fashion you were recreated for; not for what you used to be. You learn and come to terms with the fact that, in the end, your usefulness will run out and you'll be able to finally rest in the pieces you were supposed to be left in years ago."
Clenching his fists Raven lets out a laugh. He doesn't know where it comes from and it's dry and bitter and tastes bad as it leaves his mouth. "And then, I don't even get that luxury and I don't understand why."
Estelle drags in a broken breath and realizes, distantly, that even though she's gone still as a statue everywhere else, her hands are still trembling. There's a tiny edge of white around everything she sees and every sound is ringing in her head like the drums of war.
She hurtslike she can't even describe. If she feels like this, how does it have to be for Raven?
"Alexei is dead," she says, voice cracking, "Alexei Dinoia is dead. You're not." Her hands remember how it felt to hit him and she almost wants to repeat the incident if only to wipe that horrible, broken look off of his face. "Don't…don't say that." Her voice shakes like some frightened thing and Estelle hates it. "Don't you ever, ever talk about yourself like that. Like you're some—some thing. Some thing that can be used and thrown away just like that. Like you're allowed to just lay down and die like someone's dog. Don't—don't! Just…don't."
Her vision blurs and she clenches green eyes shut to halt any potential tears. She wants to cry, oh, she wants to cry.
She also wants to hit him.
Badly.
"You're so—so stupid," she snarls through gritted teeth, "Who cares about that? Dying's easy; anyone can do it!" Her voice breaks and she absolutely doesn't sob, no matter what the noise she makes suggests instead, "You're better. Raven, you're better. You're better, you're better… And you're not allowed to die. You're not a tool. You're not our toy. Not mine."
She forces herself into silence, hauling back all the rest of her words with all the force she has, tugging them back inside her and trades them in for moisture building in the corners of her eyes that, hopefully, goes unnoticed.
For his part Raven can only sit in stunned silence.
Part of it is because he isn't too sure about anything he just said. He hardly remembers speaking, but he knows what story he told. He knows because he remembers it and he knows because he's shaking all over and there is no way he will be able to stop no matter how hard he tries. He knows because he feels like he could break. He knows because…suddenly he feels just a little bit better; a little lighter and a little more focused. He can suddenly breathe in the fire heated air easier.
The other half of his confusion is because he isn't too sure who is sitting behind him right now. He knows her name is Estelle and he knows she is a princess and someone he betrayed. He knows her voice, but he doesn't know the words coming out in that voice. They are mad and hurt and have that 'on the verge of tears' shake to them.
Sprits. Estellise is…angry. Angry at me. Angry…for me?
Raven moves now, slowly, stiffly, for what feels like the first time in days. It hurts; his joints crack and his muscles burn and he shakes as he turns on his knees to face the princess sitting on the wooden log behind him. His now untangled hair falls around his shoulders and his bangs frame his eyes with their natural part, but this time it feels…normal.
He suddenly knows what he has to do. He knows what he needs. This is something he hasn't been so sure of for ten years. He looks up at the girl, barely able to make out the tiny glistening water droplets hanging from the corners of her eyes, and takes a breath.
"I'm s-"
"Don't!" Green eyes snap open and pink hair flips as Estelle shakes her head vehemently. "Raven, don't you even dare apologize. Not for this or for your life or for—" Estelle freezes as Raven's hand takes her own and he rises slowly to lean on one knee, his head bowed to the ground and his hair obscuring anything she might be able to read off his face.
"Raven has already apologized to your ladyship." He looks up now, blue eyes honest and real. "But could you allow a knight to give his apologies so that he might be able to finally…move on?"
"If..." Estelle swallows, her throat suddenly dry and almost painfully tight, "If it will help you, you're more than welcome. ...Captain."
With a short nod the man bows his head again, his hand tightening its grip around the princess' slender fingers. "My lady, I pray you don't hold any grievances against a Captain who has nothing but the greatest respect for you, your strength, your will, and your grace. It has been one of my greatest honors serving you and your kingdom, but in my service I have failed you. I beg that you please accept my wholehearted apology for anything I have done that has caused you and those you sought to protect pain. I am truly sorry."
Estelle can't do anything but stare for a few moments, her hand still clasped in Raven's. Raven, who's slipped into Captain Schwann. Raven, who's Raven and Captain Schwann and a man named Damuron Atomais. Raven, who's Raven and Captain Schwann and Damuron Atomais and who's kneeling in front of her now, head bowed and subservient.
It takes her a moment to realize that she's holding her breath.
It's easier than she would have thought to straighten her back and tilt her chin up just like her etiquette instructors taught her. He needs this, she thinks, and that makes it easier to put on the airs she needs to stop being Estelle and be more like Imperial Princess Estellise Sidos Heurassein.
Captain Schwann needs a princess?
She can do that.
"Captain Schwann Oltorain," she says quietly but evenly. Had it not been so late (or early), Estelle might have been more afraid of someone overhearing. As it is, she doesn't care because their only company is the sky and the stars and the moon, and she doesn't think that Brave Vesperia will be spilling her secrets anytime soon. "You have done your given duty to your kingdom, your commandant, and your princess with satisfaction and fidelity." The words are easy and come like this is normal even though she's still shaking on the inside.
Princess Estellise doesn't shake.
"Therefore, I officially pardon you from all assumed slights, misdeeds, and wrongs done in the name of Commandant Alexei Dinoia and accept your apology in exchange for this. Be at ease, Captain."
She reaches out now and strokes a hand through his hair, brushing it away from his downturned face.
"Be at ease."
"Thank you, Your Highness."
Something melts away then, something that had been weighing him down. It's the same feeling he has after he's been wearing his armor and heavy Captain's coat all day and he takes it off to put on his lighter, less constricting clothes. Maybe armor was never really his thing in the first place.
Raven wants to crumple to the ground. His legs feel so weak and he's dizzy and lightheaded, but there's strength there he didn't know he had and he grabs it as he turns his face upwards; his hair held back by Estelle's hand. He lets the ends of his mouth curl up just enough and he doesn't have to think about it. He doesn't have to think about his words or his accent because it just all falls into place.
"Thanks, Estelle. Maybe now this old man can start livin' like he should."
And he wants to. He knows it's not going to be easy and he knows it's going to take time because these things always take time, but now he can see that time isn't something he should hate. Because deep down that is what this has all been about. Hating time and what it has done to him and the people around him. He never thought about the prospect of time; of what could be instead of what will be.
It'll be a way of thinking he has to get used to using and it's not going to be easy. He'll probably need a smack or two from a very determined pink haired princess to keep him on the right track (and he knows she will not hesitate or complain about being able to do that again).
He was able to pick up the pieces once before; and while they never felt like they were in the right place he at least still had all the pieces. He just needs to line them back up in the way he likes.
Standing up Raven runs a hand through his hair from root to tip and starts.
"Wow, you did a fine job in gettin' those tangles out, but uh-" casting a glance to the ground, he feels a sheepish grin cross his face as he holds his hair back in a bundle off his sweaty neck. Captain Schwann gone, he still feels a little bit odd with his hair down. "You wouldn't happen to know where my hair tie went, would ya?"
Estelle feels something loosen inside her when he speaks again, shaking away Schwann and coming back as Raven. Who Raven is she's still not entirely sure, but she knows that she wants to know and, hopefully, she'll get that chance. If he'll let her get to know him.
She matches his tiny, crooked smile with one of her own, almost giddy with a relief she can't nail down, before giving her eyes a quick and furious scrub with the back of her hand. It comes away wet.
At Raven's question, Estelle furrows her brows a little bit and pats around on the log. She's sure she didn't give it back, now the question is where exactly she put his tie… She finds the little loop of cord after a few moments of searching, stretching it between her fingers.
"I found it!" she exclaims and glances up, reaching out a hand to offer the tie. "Here! You can—" she pauses a little, "Or…I can, if you'd like." She cocks her head and lets her smile widen. It happens easily and she doesn't even have to try and Estelle hopes that it stays this way, that'll always be this easy to smile at him.
Just because she can.
Raven looks down at the little ratty black tie being twirled around in Estelle's hand. He meets her eyes and shrugs. "Why not?"
He settles himself back down on the grass and stares at the fire, leaning against the log. Raven is tired now and he can probably sleep for a whole day if he has the chance, but he won't because that would be a waste of a day. Someone has to make sure these kids stay on track. And things are still a little bit awkward, but not in a bad way. In the way that he knows he just needs to get to know Estelle better. In the way that he knows can be changed.
Silence falls and it's not uncomfortable. There's the fire, the night creatures, and the small snapping noises coming from Estelle twisting his hair tie into a knot and when she is done she rests a hand lightly at the base of his pony tail and he doesn't want to run away. They stay like that, for a little; listening to the fire and thinking.
Neither says a word, but when Estelle's hand shifts to her mouth trying to cover a yawn Raven leans back and looks at the girl, a little bit of guilt in his small smile. "Looks like I kept you up past your bedtime. Maybe it's time for Estelles to be getting their beauty sleep."
Estelle cuts off another yawn and shakes her head from side to side.
"I-I'm not tired!" she says and it's only half true because she's always kind of tired lately, "Really, I'm fine."
She doesn't want to go back to bed even though she can feel another yawn coming on. She wants to stay here in the warmth and shadow; the atmosphere between them is completely different now. Still a little strange but in a good way, better than it ever was even before everything went wrong, and she doesn't want that to disappear like it never happened. She wants to remember this and cherish it all, even though she's tired and she's uncomfortably hot from the fire and she's positive that she's got a couple of bug bites now because she didn't use any of Karol's spray before coming out here.
When she wakes up in the morning, will it be like it always was? Like nothing's changed between then, like nothing's been smoothed over and made new?
Estelle doesn't want that, not at all.
Raven picks himself up off the ground and dusts his pants off. "I might be a fool, but I like ta think I'm pretty good at seeing through a small lie. If I'm tired," Sitting down on the log next to Estelle, he raises an eyebrow at her. "You've gotta be exhausted."
He notices, suddenly, that she looks hesitant. Tired, but tentative. Admittedly he doesn't really want to lose the company, but he would feel bad if she was overtired tomorrow; they had another long day ahead of them.
"Now now, don't give me that look." Raven lifts his hand and rests it on top of her head lightly. "There's plenty of nights and fires in our future, right?"
Estelle can't help but agree, reluctantly. She is tired and she knows that the night watch is hitting the halfway mark and that soon, Yuri will be coming around and honestly, she kind of doesn't want to deal with him right now. Not when things are still so strange and Yuri always seems to know when she's off, and she knows that he'll get the completely wrong idea if he notices. And he always notices.
She doesn't want to put that on Raven to deal with.
Rubbing at her eyes a little, Estelle shoots him a half-hearted glare and eventually drops her head to concede his point.
"Okay…okay. You win," she says and gets to her feet; bare feet because she never bothers to put on shoes when she's up this late. "I'll see if I can't get myself some shuteye, then." Before she turns to leave, however, Estelle takes a step closer to lean in just a little bit to say ever so quietly, "I'm holding you to that, you know." A little louder, then, she says a little less seriously, "Goodnight, Raven."
Before she leaves, she reaches out one last times and tweaks Raven's bangs in a way that's just slightly different.
Because he's still Raven but, she'd like to think, a slightly different Raven.
And if anyone has anything to say about that, they'll have to go through her first.
Raven flashes his best grin. "Heh, duly noted." He waves as Estelle turns and makes her way back to her tent as cautiously as she had come. "Goodnight, Estelle."
Then he is alone and all he can hear is the fire and all he can feel is the wind blowing across the camp and all he can see are the stars. It's…new. He's been at many campfires and he has been on many night watches, but this one feels new. Maybe this is what it is like to have some inkling of hope because Raven can honestly say he doesn't remember what that is like. And honestly it doesn't surprise him that the young princess who shocks everyone was the one who took him for a spin when he least expected it.
You've got a lot ta live up to now, Raven.
Between the crackling of the fire, which was now slowly dying down again, Raven hears feet shuffling to his left and he doesn't need to turn to know who they belong to.
"Good morning, Mr. Lowell." Turning he flashes his teeth at the young man walking over to the small fire pit; sword in his hand and Repede at his side.
Yuri approaches the campfire with quiet in his steps but not quite enough, just in time to take the second night shift.
Raven's not pacing the perimeter of camp like Yuri prefers or up against a tree like Estelle or in a tree like Karol; he's parked on a log in front of the fire.
"Hey, old man," he says in place of an actual greeting and rests a hand to Repede's head, watches it slide down the dog's back as he walks forward where Yuri stops. He also watches Raven reach out and give Repede a quick scratch underneath the collar. "My turn."
He can't nail it down but something in this feels…funny. He's used to the tension whenever Raven's around –he doesn't like it but he realizes part of its inevitability- but something feels funny. There's a strange lack right now and it puts him on edge a little bit, even though it should be reassuring.
"Anything exciting?"
"Nah." Raven gives Repede one last pat and leans back on his hands until he's almost falling off the log he's sitting on. "Quiet as quiet gets; should be an easy night for ya."
Or it's been the complete opposite. But Yuri doesn't need to know that. Not right now at least.
But the good thing about Yuri (which is unfortunately the bad thing about Yuri right now) is that he is extremely observant. So he will figure out that things were (are) anything but quiet and he will make a point to figure out why and Raven knows that he's practically bleeding weird behavior tonight so hopefully he'll ask the questions later because Raven is tired. Very tired; to the point where he's not sure his legs will take him all the way back to his rolled up sleep mat and allow him time to unroll it before they give out.
Repede lets out a small huff of air as he lies down directly on his feet and Raven leans over to look at the dog. "Much appreciated, but I'm gonna need those in a minute."
Yuri narrows his eyes a little and shifts on his feet, the weight of his blade at his belt strangely heavy.
There's nothing he could say if someone asked him for details, but something in Raven's face or maybe in his voice or maybe in the way he's sitting screams at him that it hasn't been an easy night at all. He puts up a good front but Raven rarely looks legitimately tired like he does now, all lines and shadows in his eyes.
"Well, let's hope it stays quiet," Yuri mutters and plonks himself down on the log opposite of the former captain, surreptitiously looking him over to try and figure out what's different.
And then he gets stuck.
"…what happened to your hair?" he asks, eyeing the ashy bangs that are rearranged in a different way and the ponytail that's still poofy but neater than usual, like someone actually took the trouble to brush it out.
Aw, crap.
Yuri Lowell is, as usual, as perceptive as ever.
Raven crosses his eyes as he looks up at his bangs which he didn't even notice had been arranged slightly different than normal by Estelle. Twisting his mouth to the side in order to put on his best confused face, he shrugs nonchalantly before looking back to Yuri. "What? Can't a guy take the time to make sure his hair is presentable? You never know when you're gonna meet up with someone you might want to look good fer."
Yuri does not look convinced. He raises an eyebrow and remarks flatly. "It's 3am and we're in the middle of nowhere."
"I'm having a good hair day?" Come on kid, let it go. Just this once, please.
Yuri sighs and looks away. He almost wants to start something, almost. But the old man's right; it's late (or early?) and either way, it's too late or too early to be starting anything that can't get finished, no matter how badly he wants to push the matter.
And oh, he wants to push it.
People don't just suddenly change how they do things, Yuri knows that for a fact, and he can't pin down what happened but something's changed in the time since the first watch began.
Essentially, Yuri Lowell is extremely confused.
Yuri Lowell does not like being confused.
"Fine," he eventually says with another, rather put-upon sigh and an eye roll, "Keep your secrets, gramps." He knows they're there like a locked box right in front of him but that's not his box to touch and he knows that too. "I've got this, then. Better go get your beauty sleep; you need all you can get."
Raven hangs his head with a sigh and shakes it slightly as he pats Repede to get the dog off his feet. "One day you'll appreciate the beauty that can only come with time."
"Gray hair and wrinkly skin?"
"Hey, hey! I might have a few grains of salt but I'm mostly pepper yeah?" Standing up Raven puts a hand to his chin and winks. "But no wrinkles on this old man, yet."
Yuri rolls his eyes and Raven flashes a grin as he turns towards the guy's tent, ever grateful that he's being let off easy this time because he knows next time he won't be let off easy at all. Everyone's going to notice a change and he's both glad and a little scared. Okay, he's very scared.
There's a lot to figure out; what he wants, who he wants to be, how he's going to succeed in it all and at the same time he's going to have to convince these kids that he really is trying to change for the better. They don't trust him (well, minus Estelle and he likes to think she's the one that matters the most after all that's happened), but he doesn't blame them. He'll just have to prove himself.
After he sleeps.
Raven puts a hand in the air as he shuffles towards the tent a yawn catching in his throat. "Night, Yuri."
"Night."
Yuri returns the wave and watches the other man retreat into the tent where Karol's still passed out on his back just the way Yuri left him. He can't help but feel the same way he does when it's about to rain; it's a change that he can just feel straight down to his bones and he knows that it's bigger than just a little difference in hairstyle.
Repede lays down next to him and Yuri pats him on the head and scratches behind his ears.
The night's still so quiet, weirdly so now that Yuri's alone again, and he stares up at the stars for a reason he can't quite fathom. He can see Brave Vesperia shining above them all, not the biggest but the brightest by far, and maybe the others won't change but he knows that Brave Vesperia will. Just like their little guild, their weird, weird mishmash of people who shouldn't be there but are.
Raven, too, despite everything that's happened.
Yuri doesn't want to think about this right now. At all.
So instead of thinking about it he sets his sword down and instead of getting up to do his usual routine of pacing he stays where he sits on the mossy log, unusually still, and stares into the dying fire.
He can afford to be still, for now, if it means he doesn't have to think about what it means when someone stagnant decides to change.