I miss those blue eyes, how you kissed me at night. I miss the way we sleep.
She still remembered the first night she spent with Clove. It was the night after the interviews, after Peeta had broadcast his spontaneous decleration of love to the entire world. Clov had found her sitting against the wall staring blankly ahead. She had expected Clove to mock her for being weak, or to just pull out a knife and slit her throat right then and there. So she flinched when Clove extended her hand towards her. But nothing happened. Clove just waited for her to take it. So for some insane reason, she did. She found herself wrapped in Cloves arms, crying into her shoulder. And that was the first time she ever kissed Clove, the first time she noticed how brightly blue Cloves eyes were, and how soft Cloves lips were against her own.
Like theres no sunrise, like the taste of your smile. I miss the way we breathe.
She had thought it weird that the career would be up on the rooftop at five in the morining, the day before the games. She didn't ask, but Clove gave her an answer anyways.
"The sky in the arena is fake. If I'm going to die, then I want to have seen my last real sunrise."
That was the first time she had seen Clove cry. And she did the only thing she could think of, she kissed Clove. Because words weren't enough, because what were you supposed to say to a person who was walking to their own death in a matter of hours? And that was the first time she had ever seen Clove really smile. She held Clove close to her and listened to the rise and fall of her chest. She just stood there listening to Clove breathe, terrified that it was a sound she would never hear again.
But I never told you, what I should have said. No, I never told you, I just held it in.
Clove had said they were forever. She had forever to tell Clove how she felt. They were forever.
And now I miss everything about you.
Clove was gone, and so was a part of her. The most important part. The part that had kept her sane through these games from hell. She had lost everything, and she was left with nothing.
Can't believe that I still want you. After all the things we've been through.
It had missed her. She had managed to block the knife Clove threw at her with the bright orange backpack. But the bloodthristy look on Cloves face as she threw the knife made her wish that the knife had sunk deep into her chest.
Without you.
Clove was dead. She was alive. It should be the other way around. It needed to be the other way around.
I see your blue eyes, every time I close mine.
The nightmares came every single night. They never stopped. Thresh never stopped bringing the rock down on Cloves head, Clove never stopped screaming her name, and she never stopped being unable to save her. Every single night Cloves body would fall, just as it did in the arena. Eyes wide open, staring blankly ahead, all of their brightness gone.
You make it hard to see, where I belong to, when I'm not around you. It's like I'm not with me.
Clove had owned every part of her, and Clove had taken every part of her. Clove was gone, and it would of been better if the roles were reversed. Because death would of been easier. Because the pain would be gone, because Clove would be alive, because somehow dying was easier than losing every part of yourself.
But I never told you, what I should of said. No I never told you. I just held it in.
She never even dared to speak the words that she thought. She was scared. Because she loved Clove, and there was no doubt in her mind that Clove was going to kill her.
And now I miss everything about you.
Clove was gone. And all she could think about was Clove. Clove was everywhere, yet, no matter how many times she screamed Cloves name, there was never a reply. Clove was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Can't believe that I still want you. After all the things we've been through.
It was exactly how she had imagined it. Clove was here, about to kill her. She had played it over a million times in her head, yet, it hadn't been real until now. Now there was no avoiding it, no pretending there was some hope that Clove had felt what she had felt. Careers didn't feel. So she closed her eyes and waited for the knife to end her life. She welcomed it with open arms. Because if she couldn't live with Clove, there really was no point in living at all.
I miss everything about you.
Her smile, her laugh, her bright blue eyes, how beautiful she looked in that light orange dress, how she cried, how she held her, how she whispered things softly into her ear, how she looked at her, how she told her they were forever. They all haunted her dreams, torturing her. Because the dreams made them seem close, when really they couldn't be farther away. The dreams made them seem real, when really the only reality she had was one where Clove was dead.
Without you.
She had felt it, seconds after she closed her eyes. Clove had hesitated. She was still alive, and Clove was still hesitating. The knife hadn't been driven into her throat yet, and the only reason was that Clove hadn't moved. She opened her eyes, and her soft brown ones met with Cloves beautiful blue ones. And then she saw why she had hesitated. And she wished more than anything she could take away that hesitation, she wished more than anything she had seen Thresh, she wished more than anything she had done something instead of just layed there. She wished that Clove was with her. She wanted to go back to that night and be able to cry into Clove. She wanted to be back on that rooftop and listen to Clove breathe. She wanted Clove here with her instead of back in that terrible arena. Because if Clove had never left that arena then neither had she.