Reality: Harry Potter

Summary: "Be who YOU WANT to be with Reality" is their slogan. Live out your wildest fantasies, no questions asked. Well, I wanted to be Harry Potter. Somehow, everything went wrong.

A/N: This is... kinda a crack fic. It gets really weird 2/3 of the way through. Also, I swear a lot, and make a bunch of references. So it's M. For saying fuck, not for fucking.

"I'm gonna pop some tags," I sang softly to myself as my hands went through hanger after hanger, "only got $20 in my pocket." That was a lie, it was actually 20 quid, or pounds, or whatever. Told Petunia that Mrs. Fig was asking questions about my baggy clothing, so she thrust a note in my hand and kicked me out the door early the next morning. Luckily it was only a half hours walk to Main Street. "I- I- I'm huntin', lookin' for a come-up," I finally found what I was looking for – an emerald green button up that matched my eyes perfectly. "THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME!"

So it wasn't a thrift shop, it was a Charity shop, tomaytoes tomaatoes. Before the establishment thought to kick me out for loudly swear-singing, I brought my finds to the counter. Two very nice, dark yet slightly faded pairs of jeans 3£ each, three button-up shirts 2£ each, five pairs of boxers 1£ each, a pair of not-too-shabby sneakers 3£, looking totally awesome? Priceless.

I put my new shoes on before leaving the store, which was a good call because on my way home some dog started chasing me, and it wasn't the 'nice puppy' like Sirus, it was 'holy shit I'm gonna die!' kind. But I didn't. Not that I could actually die in Reality. It was pretty fun running super-fast all the way home. My RL body wouldn't have lasted a minute before my lungs would go into overdrive and I'd feel lightheaded, but this little machine was meant for sports! For running! I could totally run from my bully of a cousin forever. I should join soccer! Or basketball! Well, with my midget size maybe not the second...

"Tadaima!" I called as I opened the front door.

Two shut up's greeted me from the living room where the TV was blaring and a call to work came from the kitchen.

"Start squeezing the juice," Petunia ordered as she flipped bacon (delicious!) with one hand and stirred beans (extremely strange breakfast food) with the other.

I deftly cut an orange in half and started twisting it on the ridged juicer. Five minutes later I strained the juice, poured it into four tall glasses (giving all the pulp to myself, yum!) and set them on the table just as Petunia set the plates full of food on as well. Unfortunately I could tell which was mine by the heaping beans and one slice of bacon.

In the middle of Vernon telling a boring story about work that I wasn't listening to, the mail slot on the door opened and shut with a click. I stood up from the table before being asked to get the mail, knowing that today was the day I'd get my letter. After all, I'd selected the starting point.

I picked up the bunch and quickly slipped the parchment through the slots in my cupboard door, bringing the rest to Vernon. "We got a post card from Marge," he said, not noticing that I kept one letter for myself.

Success.

I heard someone timidly knock on the front door from inside my cupboard, but it couldn't be who I was waiting for so I let my uncle answer it. Earlier that day I'd stolen a copy of The Economist from number 12's recycling bin and was entertained for now.

"What in the bloody hell- PETUNIA!"

I put down my magazine and opened the small door only to see someone I never expected.

"I'm here t-to t-take Harry P-p-potter to D-diagon Alley."

I shut the door so Petunia could go by, then opened it again and slinked out. I was wearing my nice green button-up and jeans, but I had wanted to use them to impress the great good giant, not a stuttering shithead! Yeah, Quirrelll was probably my least favorite character (outside of HPMOR of course. He's a total badass in that.)

I half listened as Petunia started screeching and Vernon slammed his fist against the wall hard enough to dent the sheetrock. My original plan had been to use good old Hagrid to intimidate the parentals then go to Diagon Alley and stay there until Hogwarts (I even stole some of Petunia's makeup and covered up my scar so people wouldn't notice me as much!) But with Quirrellmort, would I survive until Hogwarts? Then again, did it matter? I could always just restart...

Mind made up I opened the door wide and stepped out, dragging a small worn duffel bag behind me. I pushed through the wall of old tall people in order to face the stuttering professor. "Harry Potter sir," I said with a small bow of my head and a slightly forced smile. "Thanks for picking me up."

Quirrell nodded repeatedly and started stuttering as Vernon bellowed some more and Petunia started crying. I quickly ran through the door, ducking Vernon's grab at my collar, and hid behind Quirrell. "Diagon Alley, sir?" I asked, grabbing his hand. He looked from me back to the relatives back to me, then we spun and disapparated.

First was Gringotts, although the roller coaster ride couldn't compare to the Dragster at Cedar Point, and since there were no seat belts or anything it actually went pretty slowly without any extremely steep drops. That was a bit of a letdown, but once I saw my vault full of gold I felt better.

I took out a pillow case and started piling gold into it. Once it was a quarter of the way full I asked Quirrellmort if he could cast a lighting charm on it so I could put more in.

"Mr. Potter, if I may," the goblin who escorted us down said from outside my vault. "At this time you are only permitted to withdraw 100 galleons."

"Wait, what?"

"Once you are of age you will be permitted to use your vault as you please."

I looked sadly at my pillowcase, then dumped all the gold out and methodically counted out 100 coins and had Quirrelll transform it into a smaller coin purse. It was still a lot of money, but I had no idea how much clothes would cost, and I wanted to look around the wizarding world for interesting things. Also, I'd been excited to be super rich for once, but that dream just got crushed. Not like 100 galleons was a small amount, but it was the principle! Speaking of money... "Does my account accrue interest?"

"The vaults at Gringotts are the equivalent of the muggle world's 'safety deposit boxes.'"

So no. I stuffed the pillowcase full of gold back into my duffel bag and exited the vault. "But then who makes loans?"

"The Bourgeoisie and old blood. However, loans are finalized and authenticated through Gringotts."

"So... rich purebloods lend to everyone else?" I climbed back into the cart. "Did the– my parents ever give out loans?"

"The Potters did not require our services."

"Would I be able to give out loans?" If I could give a loan to myself...

"Once you are of age."

Damn.

Trunk, cauldron, potion ingredients, parchment and quills, scales, clothes and books (a few not on the list). Wand last.

I turned to Quirrell, about to ask if I could get my wand on my own (knowing I had his brother wand, if I got it, could cause me trouble in the future) when Quirrell quickly said "I need to m-make a s-stop. P-p-please wait here when y-you are d-d-done," and ran off.

I blinked, confused. Alright then.

The shop was small, cluttered and dusty. Wand boxes cluttered every surface.

"Hello?" I asked. "Is anyone here?"

"Good evening, Mr. Potter." I jumped and looked behind me. There was an old man, clearly Ollivander. "I am Ollivander."

"I want a wand," I said.

"Well, the wand chooses the wizard, but I'll see what I can do." He gave me a (creepy, pedophile!) wink and went behind his counter.

As he searched for some boxes for me to try I looked at some of the clutter on the counter that wasn't wand boxes. Polishing kits, handle grips, and holsters were among the many items for sale. I put a wand holster on my wrist and took a random wand that was on the counter. It seemed simple enough to work: put wand in, flick wrist, wand comes out. I put it into the slot, but the wand stuck out past my elbow (short forearms) and when I flicked my wrist the wand came shooting out and went clear across the shop, falling to the ground loudly. I quickly took off the wrist holster and put it back, trying to look innocent.

Ollivander came back out and glanced at the wand on the floor – "please be more careful Mr. Potter," – then handed me a wand. "Hawthorne and Unicorn hair, 11 ½ inches."

I waved it but nothing happened. "Can I use my wand with my left hand? I'm... kinda ambidexterous." A little. I can write decently with my left hand, but not at all like my dominate one.

"Magic is like muscle memory. When you learn a spell, your body memorizes how it feels to perform it." He handed me another wand. "If you learn a spell with your right hand, you have to almost... send the magic out backwards, if you will, to do the same with your left, also change the wand movements. That's why people can still do magic with their non-dominate hand, but the spells are not as strong because they only have a general idea of how to cast it."

I nodded, waving the new wand with my dominate hand, and the lamp on his counter exploded.

He waved his wand, repairing it with a quick "definitely not Holly and Phoenix Feather," (so no cannon wand) and pulled out another. This one was bone white, and he held it almost reverently. It kinda looked like Voldemorts, from what I saw at Ollivander's in HP World. Although I ended up purchasing Sirius', so I didn't remember it that well. "Perhaps this is your wand, Mr. Potter."

I grabbed the wand, and when I did a chill went through me making me shutter. I waved it and a stream of green sparks that matched my shirt came out.

Ollivander's eyes went wide. "That will be 7 galleons, Mr. Potter."

I gave him the money, then said "wait, can I have a wand holder? Maybe not the wrist one... which would work best-"

He thrust a wide but thin bracelet-like object into my hands, said "free for you Mr. Potter!" and shooed me out of the store.

...weird. Oh well, free stuff!

I tried putting the bracelet band object thing onto my wrist, but before it went over my wrist it started contracting on my palm, between my thumb and index finger and aligned below my knuckles. I bent my hand into a fist and it bent with my palm, feeling like there was nothing there.

I placed my wand in my right hand and gripped it, and it disappeared into the band!

"Crap!" I said and looked back at Ollivander's shop, but he'd put the "closed" sign up. Actually, the entire process of getting my wand was pretty weird. And what kind did I get anyways? It certainly wasn't the cannon Holly and Phoenix feather...

While I was thinking about my wand it appeared in my palm again and I just barely managed to grip it before it could fall to the ground.

Well, this is certainly better than a wrist holster.

While I was admiring my new wand a paper airplane, like the ones the ministry use to send notes, flew to me and stopped in front of my face. I thought about my wand being absorbed back into the holder, then plucked the paper out of the air. It unfolded at my touch.

Mr. Potter,

Unfortunately, the business I am conducting will be lasting longer than expected and I will not be done for some time. Please continue getting the items on your list. I will find you when I am finished.

Professor Quirrelll

I read and reread the note. Stealing the Philosopher's stone, I see. Then I reached into my pocket and pulled out the list. Well, all I haven't gotten yet is a pet...

Deciding against an owl (Hedwig was beautiful, but I hate the smell of bird poop) I went to the second animal shop on the block. Magical Menagerie was a very impressive shop on the inside. Rows upon rows of pet care supplies, and every pet you could think of was inside. There were lots of cats, a few puppies, rats, chipmunks, ferrets, and of course at the back the reptiles.

I don't particularly like the smell of snakes either, but I think they're so cool, and speaking to snakes is so cool that I have to get one.

"Hello there, beautifuls," I said, walking up to the reptiles. There were four small containers. One I shied away from (red and yellow, kill a fellow) and another looked like a cockatrice. Let me tell you, rooster heads should not be on a dragon's body. But a dragon would be pretty cool to have... maybe I'll have to make friends with a Weasley and be the Weasley's friend that does the dragons. Was that Bill or Charlie?

The third case had a chameleon. I mean, they're cool, but not really what I'm looking for. Since it's not a snake and all.

The forth had beautiful charcoal scales with a sunset underbelly (or black on top, yellow and red on bottom. I am a guy, I should start talking like one, even in my mind). The tag read:

Regal Ringneck Snake

Venom Does Not Harm Humans

Ophiophagous

I looked at the cute little snake. "Hello there," I said, but it sounded normal, so I tried again. Concentrating, I said "Hello there."

The snake didn't speak back. It didn't even move.

"Good afternoon."

I turned around. Behind me was a (tall) blonde girl, looking fresh out of Hogwarts. "Can I help you with anything?"

She obviously didn't hear me speak parseltongue. Or maybe she thought I was just hissing for fun. After all, it didn't speak back. "Yes, actually. I'd like that..." I looked at the tag, "Regal Ringneck Snake."

"You do understand that the snake is Ophiophagous, correct?"

I blinked.

"Ophiophagous means it eats other snakes."

"Ohhhh, okay," I said. "That's kinda creepy, but it's all good." I smiled.

"Great!" She beamed at me. "I'll get you the tank you'll need, and a brochure if you would like to purchase food for it from our store."

I nodded absently, counting the galleons left in my purse. "If you could make it the cheapest possible, that'd be great."

"Of course. I'll get all this together and save it for you, and if you could just bring your parents back you can leave with this snake!"

"Actually, my parents are dead," I said, the redundantly when she didn't say anything, "I'm an orphan."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, if your guardians..."

I rubbed the sleeve of my sweater over my forehead, wiping off the make-up. "I'm Harry Potter," I said unnecessarily.

"Oh. Ohhhh. Alright, Mr. Potter. This will be ten galleons."

I handed her the money and she handed me the cage, light, and snake.

She squee~d as I left the shop.

Once outside I put my snake down and donned my robes and black hat to cover my scar. Unfortunately, my trunk didn't have any secret rooms to put my snake cage in, so I was stuck carrying both down the crowded cobblestone street (my duffle was already in the trunk.) Then I walked back up to the brick wall that we entered and it parted, letting me through.

I felt kinda bad leaving Quirrell in the alley, but really he abandoned me to go do evil things, and told me to finish my school shopping, which was bull because I'd already done it all. So fuck him. Besides, he said he'd find me when he was done. It's his fault not telling me to leave.

"Hey Tom," I said, walking up to the counter. We hadn't been introduced yet, but who cares? This is a game. "I need a room until September 1st."

"Aren't you a bit young, kid?" he asked boredly.

I raised my finger to my lips and said "shhh" before lifting up the brim of my hat.

He squinted at my forehead, then his eyes opened wide. "Mr. P-"

"A room, please!" I squeaked out hurriedly. I did not want people crowding me. "How much?"

"Well, I suppose we can cut you a deal. How about a galleon a day? I'll even throw in meals." He gave me a wink. What's with all these people winking at me?

Before I entered I had the settings on starting a week before Hogwarts, which wasn't cannon but was way cooler than waiting a whole month to do magic! So it was only seven gallons. A galleon a day was a veeeery good deal, with meals?! Well, it was probably because I'm a celebrity. So I held out my hand and we shook on it, then handed over the money.

He gave me a key on a very large oval fob with the number '13' ("Sorry, only room we have left") and waved over a woman cleaning tables to show me to my room.

It was a good sized room. Much of it was wooden. To the left was the bed and a bookcase, to the right a dresser, then at the end of the room two half walls and a step up to a small kitchen and window. Very nice.

"Thanks," I said and began unpacking after she left and put my snake on the dresser. I tried talking to it again, but it hid under a rock.

I thought about my wand and it appeared in my hand. Luckily I remembered to catch it this time so it didn't fall and clank on the wooden floor. Actually, looking closer, the handle seemed to actually be made of bone, if the smoothness was anything to go by, while the wand itself was obviously wood. It was a kinda freaky wand... too bad I was too scared to use it outside Hogwarts.

For the next few days I spent my time convincing Quirrell that I wasn't going back to the Dursleys (it didn't take much,) sleeping a little, reading a lot, and eating while reading. I also ordered a copy of the Daily Prophet and read it. Since the newspaper today is mostly bullshit anyways, the Prophet wasn't surprising. Just, they had to fill it with more bull since it didn't have as many advertisements. There was even an article in there about when I went to the pet store and bought my snake!

Speaking of my snake, I named her Sunset. Not Nagini or Sssdlhslfs or any other weird name, just Sunset. Because of her belly. Well, I think it's a she. It was very exciting when she finally hissed out a small "Hello, master," but then hid under her rock again. Sometimes she bathed in the heat lamp, but mostly she just hid and didn't come out no matter how much I whined or complimented her.

Besides reading I also explored Diagon Alley. Not Knockturn Alley, because I wasn't suicidal and didn't want to have to restart. That'd be lame. But I did go through a junk shop and bought a wizarding radio. However, much of the time I spent in my room reading (somehow, people had found out I was staying here and going downstairs wasn't wise.) Since I spent most of my time in my room, I hadn't seen any other members of Hogwarts. Or anyone else, really. I was avoiding them.

By the time September 1st rolled around I'd managed to get a couple more words from my snake (although she wouldn't curl around my wrist like in fanfictons), read all my textbooks and took very detailed notes (except history) and tried memorizing as much as I could of all the spells so I could try them once I got to Hogwarts. I'd definitely be using the library there to learn more magic. Because it's awesome.

So I paid for my room, left the Leaky Cauldron, and used my wand to summon the knight bus, which took me to the train station. From there it was short work finding my platform and getting on the train.

I was one of the first people there so I found an empty compartment easily. Then I settled down to read from my history of magic book (ew.)

A while later the door opened and Hermione Granger stood in the doorway. Her eyes widened when she saw me. "Holy shit, you're beautiful."

"Wha-"

She glomped me. Yes, Hermione Granger glomped me. "You're perfect! Beautiful!" she said into my shoulder. I wasn't a hugger in RL, and Harry wasn't a hugger in cannon, so you can imagine how awkward this was for me.

She suddenly jumped away. "Sorry! I know you must not like, well, touching much, or whatever, but I can change that!" She looked at the seat across from me. "Ohmygod you have a snake! That's so cool! Is it poisonous? Can I hold it? Can you talk to it for me? What's its name?" She gave me huge eyes.

"Um, her name is Sunset."

Hermione wrinkled her nose. "Well that name isn't cool or dark at all. How about 'Desdemona?' Or 'Bellatrix!' Yeah, that'd be sweet!"

Suddenly she took out her wand, and before I could even think of mine she waved it over my face. "There, now you're perfect!"

I blinked, taking off my glasses, which I no longer needed. "Did you just fix my eyesight?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "I've always loved you without glasses. It brings out your eyes. Let's be friends!"

"... you're weird."

She frowned. "Well, you're a berk! Fine, if you're going to be like that, then I'm going to go find Draco!" With that she flipped her bushy hair and left the cabin.

... what the fuck?

Afraid, I went back to my book. That Hermione definitely wasn't cannon. Which was very sad, because I wanted to be friends with her. She was brilliant in the books, if a bit conceited, but I would have loved to debate all things magical with her. Now though, she just seemed like an overzealous fangirl. But this was my story, my fantasy, so she couldn't be an actual person, right?

The train started rolling and my compartment door opened again. This time it was Ron. "Can I sit here? Everywhere else is full..."

Finally something familiar.

I smiled. "Sure."

He walked in, but then saw the snake. "Um, a-actually I'll go sit somewhere else," and Ron bolted.

Apparently Ron doesn't like Snakes.

About an hour into the ride the door opened once again. I considered putting a locking charm on it next time. "I'm Draco Malfoy," the blonde boy said with his nose held high and hand out.

I shook it. "You probably already know who I am."

He gripped my hand tightly, not letting it go, and bent down towards me. "Yes, I know who you are, Harry Potter." He spat my name.

"Did I do something to offend you?" I asked, squeezing his hand back. Man, he can squeeze hard. Makes one think dirty thoughts...

"You offend me by being alive. Listen closely, Potter." He leaned closer, now only a few inches from my face. "I'm going to rule the school more thoroughly than the Dark Lord himself, and when the time comes, I will crush you." He spat the last few words, getting spit on my face, making me flinch, and he smirked.

"Oh, you think so?" Flinch was from your spit, not fear, bitch. This clearly wasn't cannon. I don't know if other people are playing, or the developers are having a right old laugh at my expense, but clearly here I don't have to follow any rules. "Because it seems to me that we're both insanely rich, but I'm the famous one, I'm the defeater of the dark lord, and" I thought of Sunset, "I'm the one that can speak parseltongue." I glanced over at her and Draco looked too. As if sensing my discomfort she crawled out from her rock and curled up, showing off her beautiful belly. "So fuck you, Draco."

Draco looked back at me and growled. Suddenly we heard a gasp from the doorway. It was Hermione.

"I- I'll just leave you two alone!" She squeaked and slammed the compartment door shut behind her.

Draco let go of my hand and took a step back. "You probably think you're the shit, Potter, being the main character in this story? Well, let me tell you – it's Draco's time to shine. Good only conquers evil and stories, and this isn't a story, it's Reality."

Before Draco could leave I asked "How many of us are there?" Because clearly these people were actual people. Somehow, the fantasy I thought I'd been in had turned into a MMORPG. Not exactly what I wanted.

He glared. "Don't think I'm going to tell you and help you win." Then he left the cabin, leaving me alone once more.

Win? What did he mean by that?

I put away my book, not going to get much else done, and took out my wand. Might as well try a few spells before getting to Hogwarts. My favorite spell was the levitation spell, and after a few tries I got it. It wasn't hard, just had to focus a lot on pronunciation and wand movement. Luckily I'd taken a college Latin class so I knew how to pronounce the words. I practiced lifting objects (my quill) then making it float around the compartment, and even tried writing with it, although it only turned into scribbles and blotches of ink. That could potentially be useful, if I got it right. I also spoke to Sunset a bit, and she mumbled something about how the light felt nice. I considered that an improvement.

Nobody else visited my compartment for the rest of the train ride (and I didn't seek anyone else out, afraid of how uncannon everyone would be).

I ended up sharing a boat with some girl and the Patil twins. The girl gave me a small smile, and the twins talked amongst themselves. Everything was pretty uneventful until the sorting.

"Bones, Susan."

Honestly, I didn't care where other non-main characters went. I just wanted to know where I'd be placed. So I ignored everyone, until-

"Granger, Hermione."

The girl squee~d, again, and skipped up to the stool. Once the hat was placed on her head, the two of them started chatting away, until someone from the tables shouted "hurry up, we're hungry!" Soon afterwards the hat reluctantly shouted out "Slytherin!"

Next I paid attention to was "Malfoy, Draco" who of course went to Slytherin. Then it was my turn.

"Potter, Harry."

There were whispers around the hall. Where would I go? Most of the personality tests I took put me in Slytherin, although a few in Gryffindor. Even Pottermore sent me to the snake's house. Plus, now I have a snake, even if it doesn't talk much. Or at all. And green is a really pretty color. So is silver. Much better than gold.

"You sure think a lot," the hat chuckled. I hadn't even noticed it'd been placed on my head. "Yes, I've been here for a while. Now, where to put you?"

I don't really like the people in Slytherin, but I think it's the coolest house. But since apparently this is an MMORPG I can't escape them.

"Hmm yes, you would do alright in Slytherin. You're not as brave as I was expecting, so no Gryffindor. Certainly not Hufflepuff, no, you're loyal to so few people that house would be a horror show for you." I frowned. I'm not a bad person. "Never said you were," the hat continued. "Now Ravenclaw, well you do like knowledge for the sake of knowledge, but only if it can benefit you in some way." Like because it's awesome. "So where to put you?"

Hermione would eat me alive.

The hat chuckled again. "Perhaps you'll just have to learn to control her, then. Being cunning and sly is a trait of the snake's den. Yes, I do believe you'll be able to be all that you can be in-"

"Slytherin!"

I got off the stool as McGonagall took the hat off my head and I made my way over to the house of snakes.

I sat through dinner quietly, answering questions and glaring if I didn't like what they wanted to know, but not starting or continuing conversation. Maybe I should have been more welcoming to my housemates, but honestly right now I just wanted to go be alone. There were too many people and I was feeling claustrophobic.

At one point Hermione came over and started bothering me (seriously, I don't want her flirting with me!) and I ended up getting so annoyed with her that I started calling her 'Misa' and she began telling me how I was the 'Light of her life' and she was actually the Mother of Dragons, and since I could speak to Dragons we were meant to be together.

At that point I got really confused, told her I could speak to snakes, not dragons, and started ignoring her.

Finally, dinner was over and we were led to the dorms. Then we were told to be to breakfast no later than 8 am and sent off to bed. Well, I went to my bed and read. Most of my dorm mates stayed in the common room, getting to know one another, playing games and such.

I wonder if I should learn to ward my stuff? was my last thought before I fell asleep.