From the author that brought you 'Ultimate Naruto: Story of Phage', 'Marvel: This is War', 'Son of Thor', and 'Will of the Green Flame'...
"Most people view the world in black or white and judge other people as being a 'Goodie Two Shoes' or a 'Naughty Nancy'; to be blunt, Good or Bad. Right or wrong. Waffles or Pancakes!"
A rustic orange and black blur ran across the rooftops of Konohagakure no Sato. It was about five feet tall, not quite there but close, and ducked from shadow to shadow to avoid patrols of the village's elite shinobi. ANBU, the Black Ops Squad, not to mention the most efficient warriors in the village...possibly the least sane ones as well. The figure skidded to a halt across from a worn down apartment building on the west side of the village.
"What do I see? Not the same thing, I'll tell ya that right now. Don't get me wrong, I think there's something to this Good and Evil shit people talk about. I just also think there's more to it than that. Like a in between guy, the guy that doesn't give a shit so long as number one is ok."
A story containing action, humor, romance, and fourth wall breakage...
"Hey! Ya mind? I'm trying to do a fucking voice over thingy here! Monologue, that's what I meant...I'm tryin to do a fucking Monologue here!"
Sorry...
"That's what I thought! Now where was I? Oh right, the whole grey line guy thing. Well, think of it this way; people think of the good guys as 'spoons' and the bad guys as 'forks'. What about the 'spork' guy? Does he get noticed at all? Or mentioned for that matter?"
In the apartment a man beat on a young woman with black hair and bright red eyes while a lot of empty sake bottles were scattered across the room. The woman was sobbing and continued asking why over and over while the man shouted for her to shut up The figure narrowed his eyes and thought bitterly, So now you're a big man, huh? Beating on a woman cuz you were finally able to kill the guy that had kicked your ass about three months ago?
"This is going to be worth every penny," the figure muttered in a prepubescent teenage boy's voice with narrowed eyes. He backed up a few steps before rushing towards the edge of the building and leaping into the air. With a quick hand gesture, he vanished in a red flicker to reappear just before he crashed through the window he watched through.
"And for that matter, who gets to say what one's actions are either good or evil? What if they're just really, really sick in the head and need help? Or, or what if a guy had a reasonable notion to kill someone, because that someone in question killed his family, would that be deemed 'Evil'? Or would it be justice? I wanna know who gets to decide this shit...Cuz I can tell ya right now it ain't me!"
"Who the FUCK are you, ya motherfuckin brat?" the drunken civilian shouted while the red eyed woman, who the boy noticed was SMOKING HOT, eyed him with surprise. The boy grinned underneath his rustic orange mask with two large black circles on it and white one-sided mirroring lenses within them over his eyes. He wore a dark orange skin-tight shirt that revealed his impressive build and had black lines on its sides along with equally dark orange gloves he wore over his hands, two thick black wristbands holding them in place. On his left arm was a Konohagakure no Sato black headband with the signature metal plate with a spiral-ish leaf on it. The cargo pants he wore had black semi-ovals on the sides of his thighs and it looked to be held up with a utility belt of some sort. Strapped to his back were two tanto blades and on the buckle of his utility belt was a Nara-clan-like symbol in dark orange over a black circle, two white eyes on either side of the line dividing the circle. On his feet were solid black boots with dark orange soles, two black bands resting just above the ankles.
"Why you ask?"
"I'm the motherfuckin brat that's gonna cut you to itty bitty pieces!" the boy shouted before quickly leaping at the civilian and drawing his blades, before slicing his hand off with ease.
"I think that explains it."
"SON OF A BITCH!" the civilian yelled as he clutched his wrist and blood squirted from the edge. The masked boy grinned and vanished with a red flicker that covered the man. He landed in a crouch across the room next to the terrified woman with his hands on his blades as they slowly sheathed. At the click, cuts appeared all over the man's body and blood spewed out from it as he fell to the ground.
"Oh! Man, ya gotta admit readers; I'm damn good at what I do!"
The boy turned to the horrified and blood covered woman and pulled his mask off, revealing a spikey blonde haired boy with three whisker marks on each cheek and bright blue eyes. His skin was fair and oddly tanned, as though he was only recently in the sun. He grinned at her and offered her his hand, which she looked at incredulously. It was still covered in the man's blood after all.
"You wanna be here when the ANBU arrive or what?" he asked. The woman's red eyes widened and she quickly grasped his hand before he pulled her to her feet. He then wrapped his arms around her waist, almost getting hit, before he said, "Hang on tight, pretty lady! We're goin for a wild ride!"
They vanished in a red flicker of light, reappearing on the building the boy had stopped at before. The blonde released the woman before she could cause him bodily harm and he went right to the edge. The ANBU were already rushing to the building making the blonde grin again before he pulled his mask on and pulled a small grey cylinder out with a red button on it.
"I think they'll get a blast out of this," he said to the woman, making her look at him again with wide eyes before she reached to her thigh for something. A panicked look appeared on her face as the boy held up her kunai holster and shook a finger with the hand holding the detonator.
"Now, now, Yuuhi-chan," he scolded as he shook his hand and her eyes widened, "Attacking your savior ~whose hobbies include killing, maiming, slicing, dicing, and from time to time other law breaking activities~ wouldn't be smart, now would it?"
Before she could reply, the boy tossed her holster to her and quickly pressed the button, activating many hidden bombs made from baking soda, weed killer, and surprisingly, toothpaste. With another red flicker, the boy vanished behind the woman and chopped her in the back of the neck, knocking her out instantly before he picked her up bridal style.
God...she's so hot, he thought before looking to the sky, "Hey! Do I get with her?...Please?"
Weapon nXt
Disclaimer: I own only the plot, Weapon X, Naruto and any other likenesses portrayed are not mine...unless I say-oof!
"What did I say? I fucking said to shut the fuck up!" *screaming and slicing heard*
"Ahh...Much better! Now...Let's go back to when my life took a turn straight to Hell...and then went back to being fun!"
~nXt-7 Years Ago-nXt~
"My name is Naruto Uzumaki, or as I go by when I'm on duty, Shishauzu. My story starts back about seven years ago...like the author undoubtedly mentioned above. That's another thing you're all probably wondering: How do I know about the author? Well...I think I'll let him explain that. Oh look! Here I come!"
A small spikey haired blonde about five years old with three whisker marks on each cheek ran through the streets. He wore a pair of green shorts and a white tee with an orange swirl on it. He clung onto a piece of bread as he ran, keeping it close to his chest while a small group of drunks chased him.
"Ah, I remember that day like it was yesterday...The sneers, the jeers, the chorus and whores...And not to mention the best damn piece of bread I've ever had in my life! Ah memories..."
"Get the demon!" "Kill it!" "For the Yondaime!" "Let's finish what the Yondaime started!"
"Yeah, I got my own lynch mob. So what? Wanna fight about it?"
Why do they hate me? The boy asked himself as tears ran down his cheeks and he tripped. The people slowed to a stop before surrounding him. They all proceeded to then beat on him with fists, sticks and throw rocks at him. The boy did his best to ignore it, clinging to the now dirty piece of bread he wanted to eat so badly.
"What is the meaning of this nonsense!" an elderly voice cried out in anger. The people stopped in their fighting and froze. Standing before them was the highly influential and extremely irate councilor Shimura Danzo.
The one armed, one eyed, elder of the council of Konoha had a narrowed eye locked on the villagers before glancing down at the beaten boy. Something welled within the man then, something he hadn't felt since his own son's and wife's deaths. He couldn't describe it other than the feeling of wanting to be needed by this boy, but he would never verbally or mentally admit it, so he convinced himself that he wanted to save the boy for his own ends.
"Ah, Danzo-jiji...How thankful I felt for your interference that day."
"Shimura-sama," a villager whimpered, "We...we were just doing away with the demon..."
"Do you fools forget the law so quickly?" Danzo hissed, making all of them widen their eyes in fear, "You are lucky Sarutobi is not present otherwise I would have to order your deaths. Leave!"
Without any objections, the villagers left. The boy kept close to the ground, knowing he was being watched still but not risking the obvious trick the villagers left for him. They had done it before, pretending to be his 'friends' in ANBU or Hokage-jiji, before beating the stuffing out of him.
"Hey, yeah! Those assholes...Good thing I took care of those fuckers! ...Now that I think about it, though, I have more villagers to torture! Ta-ta for now, readers! I'm off to bring new definition to the word: Overkill. Wish me luck! Shishauzu...AWAY!"
The War Hawk kept his observant eye on the boy, watching as the small cuts healed unnaturally fast and he clung to something. With a soft snap of his fingers, the old man was accompanied by an ANBU shinobi wearing a bear mask with a symbol of Ni on it. Without speaking, the shinobi went to the small boy's side and put a hand on his shoulder, simultaneously activating a genjutsu to cover himself as he pulled his mask off, revealing a man with short light colored hair, whether it was brown or blonde was uncertain to many, and dark eyes that looked to the boy as Danzo turned and walked away.
"Uzumaki," the man said softly, earning the boy's attention at being addressed by his name, "Would you like to make the villagers stop?"
"S-Stop hurting me?" Naruto asked, a sniffle escaping his features as hope gleamed in his eyes, "Yeah..."
"Then come with me..." he said. Naruto hesitated before looking at the hand being offered to him and slowly reached for it. As soon as the boy's hand rested in the Root ANBU's, the elder shinobi teleported them to the hidden base deep within the Hokage Monument.
"I'm BA-ACK! What'd I miss? Aw damn, I missed Fu-niisan's Intro part! Where's my remote? Enough of my monologue, I'll let Tommy B decide whether or not you should learn everything in chapter one. Screw Origin chapters! They take too damn long! Besides...I don't exactly remember anything past this point, hehe."
-nXt-Present-nXt-
Naruto dropped to the roof of his client's home before dropping again to the balcony and kneeing the glass door of the apartment. A busty woman with purple hair done up in a ponytail resembling a pineapple's top and wearing nothing but a pair of panties and a fishnet shirt opened the door and let him in.
"Mitarashi Anko...Nuttier than a bag of almonds no thanks to her first sensei, Orochimaru of the Sannin. Her specialties revolve around my own actually. She's a hell of an interrogator and a bitching fighter, especially if she decides to get serious on your ass. Her Hebi-ken is a pain in the ass to get by, but nothing harder than what I can dish out, I'm happy to say."
"Is he dead, gaki?" Anko asked the blonde as he laid Kurenai on the couch nearby and she shut the door and blinds. She eyed him like a predator stalking its prey, or like a horny bitch seeking a worthy mate.
"Did I forget to mention Anko is among the few women lusting for me? I know right? What kind of sick fucks...wait a minute, what am I, gay? Fuck no! Bring on the older women! I love you Tommy B!"
"Would I be here if he wasn't?" Naruto replied, pulling his mask off and grinning cheekily at the woman as she licked her lips and scanned his body. The blonde tsk'ed and shook his finger, "Shame on you, Mitarashi-san, eyeing me like a piece of eye candy...then again, it is hard not to stare at the anime-equivalent of a prepubescent Taylor Lautner's abs."
"What Twi-hard/Naru-tard doesn't agree with this? The Team Edward and Naru/Sasu fans...repressing shudder...thinking unsexy thoughts...annnnnnnnd...*Flush* much better. Now where is that air fresher?"
"I don't know who you're talking about, but I bet he's cute like you, gaki," Anko purred, cupping the blonde's chin in one hand, "And now for your payment."
Score, score, score, score, score, score, Naruto thought continuously as he shut his eyes. He felt a pressure on his lips and opened his eyes to see the woman locking lips with him. When she released him he smiled, donned his mask, and left the way he came.
A moment later, a cry of, "FUCK YES!" echoed through the village and Anko grinned before licking her lips and returning to bed.
"Did I mention I have a hard on for any woman like Anko? No? Well I do...it's painful sometimes...Any volunteers to help me get rid of my pains?"
AN: And that's the end of chapter—Hey! What are, goddamnit Naruto! Leggo! "No! I don't want it to be over until I kill someone else! Or explain what I do! Or-Or fuck someone!" You're a goddamn Deadpool crossover you idiot! Wade Wilson, Merc with the Mouth, or Ninja of Noisemaking if you prefer. "Ooh! I like that one! YAY! Does Naruto get happy time, now?" Ugh, fine, whatever, just go kill someone and leave me alone. "YAY! Happy Time! Tra-la-la-la-la!"
...What have I done?