Disclaimer: I don't own RurouKen. Be glad. Property of Watsuki-sama, and all that good stuff. Used without permission, but not for profit...

Good Lord, another one? What was I thinking?

Not connected to either of my other parodies. (Although Bob-chan might make an appearance...heh.) Multichaptered; can't say how long it will be at this point, however. Rating for innuendo and sexuality...there's a bit of language as well.

William Ulysses Bash High School
by misaoshiru

Kenshin woke up and rose, absently brushing his gorgeous auburn locks out of his face. One might expect that the locks, being heavy and metal, would put a terrible strain on his neck, but Kenshin was omgstrongsquee and therefore immune. He glanced over at his neglected answering machine as the light flashed more rapidly than fangirls glomped a Kenshin cosplayer at an anime convention. (Slower, however, than fangirls glomped a Battousai cosplayer; that was a different matter entirely.) Suddenly, he came to a psychic (or psychotic) realization - the answering machine was set up us the bomb! He dashed out of the room with Hiten Mitsurugi-ryuu (which he'd somehow mastered despite kenjutsu's near-nonexistence in the modern world) godlike speed, slamming the door, and was rewarded with a distant boom. His jealous ex again. Figured.

After donning a sexy pink (er, magenta) shirt and a pair of tight jeans that showed off his...ooh, hot dogs sound yummy right now (somewhere, roughly thirty-three fangirls - and two or three fanboys who would probably rather not be mentioned - suffer from nosebleeds,) he left for school (Most of the teachers were required to wear uniforms, like the students, but he was speshul.)

Will U. Bash High School was a Japanese school founded by an American biologist famous for his study of Fannus tormenta, or the common plotbunny. (Not to be confused with its close relative Fannus Nosebleeda, the plotwhatplotbunny.) Coincidentally, he became insane after only two weeks of research and now has a cuddly soft room at the Happy Sunshine Joy Home for the Ridiculously Insane. We must all remember his sacrifice. In any case, our sexy hero looked around cautiously before entering the teachers' lounge, scanning the area for obvious traps. He was immediately set upon by his enemy, Yukishiro-sensei.

"Good morning," she said in an obviously evil manner. "I hope you had a restful vacation."

"Yes, as a matter of fact, sessha did, now that you're not in this one's life. I had a moment's peace for once." Although...his life was incomplete in the absence of his favorite student, Kaoru. Empty. Far less fulfilling, sexually speaking.

"Ah. Have a good day," Tomoe said malevolently.

'I will,' he thought to himself with a grin. 'I get to have hawt secks with Kaoru-dono!'

Kaoru peered out the window angstily, obviously lost in thought. Without her Kenshin, she didn't know how she'd live. The taboo of a relationship between teacher and student had no impact on them whatsoever aside from making the hawt secks even hawterer. Without it, she could not live. She had taken to cutting her wrists (well, she had already been doing that because it was cool,) listening to foreign music that was almost as angsty as her soul, and writing terrible poetry and fanfiction to fill the hole. In her heart. Not elsewhere, oh ye of the dirty mind.

But today, things would change. Today, it would all be worthwhile. Today, she would get her fill of hawt secks.

Kenshin stepped into the room and immediately let out an out-of-character growl of arousal. Kaoru's uniform skirt was cut even shorter than the last time he'd seen her, to the point where it barely covered anything when she sat down. Of course, this was in complete violation of Bash High's dress code, but such things mattered not in the face of tru wub. Also, she was wearing no underwear, so that when she turned to face him, he got a perfect view of her...

"Here, kitty, kitty. Ow!" Elsewhere in Japan, an athletic girl was bit on the hand.

Of course, across from Kaoru was another problem: Takani Megumi, the school's resident nun-in-training. Seriously, what kind of normal teenager made it to junior high, let alone high school, with virginity intact these days? It was practically unnatural!

"Kaoru-chan, you really shouldn't dress like that. It's really immoral and indecent. You should think of more holy matters, like donating your life, everything you own, and every cent you will make in your entire life to the church I attend. We have a wonderful pastor who on the surface appears only to care about the congregation and the Lord but who really embezzles all of the tithes and uses them to support his drug habit."

Kaoru gave her a glazed look. "I am yours to command."

...Shit. If Kenshin hoped to get lucky, he would have to act quickly. "Hawt secks!" he whispered in her ear.

"Hawt secks are bad," she replied in monotone. "Even if you're married. The only function of sexual contact is procreation."

Desperate times, desperate measures. He gave her a secksy kiss on the lips. Maybe it was true what they say, that tongue is the best medicine... (Wait, that's laughter.) "...ah!" she said once her lips were free. "Ke--I mean, Himura-sensei! You saved me from Megumi's Christian!Sue brainwashing powers!"

"...Damn it," the aforementioned canon-character-turned-Christian!Sue muttered. "How am I supposed to get new recruits for our Kool-Aid party now?"

"Isn't being a Christian!Sue boring, Megumi-san?" Kaoru asked. "I mean, don't you want to, I don't know, screw Sanosuke or something?"

"Screwing? How crude! Why, I--say, would you happen to know if he's big?"

"...big?"

"You know, well endowed?"

"How would Kaoru-dono know that?" Kenshin asked defensively. Kaoru scratched the back of her head, embarrassed.

"He and I kind of went out once last year. Hawt, drunken secks, you know? I had his baby, but I gave her up for adoption because everyone knows that solves everything. And yes."

"Like a horse?"

"Not sure about a horse, but definitely like an ass."

"Good enough. Time to go violate everything my religion stands for. Tootles, Kaoru-chan!"