A/N: Uh. I have nothing to say. Well...I was re-reading some of my favourite M/M fics and decided I needed to write something short and ridiculous about them. Short because I couldn't think up anything to add to the multi-chapter M/M I'm currently writing (haven't uploaded it yet. Feel free to take a look when I do! Hint hint. Lol.) and ridiculous because I just finished watching Peter Kay's The Tour That Didn't Tour-Tour and it was bloody hilarious, and now I'm high on laughter and pizza.
So. Here you have it. Short, ridiculous, plot-less crack. Yay!
Btw, I've kind of ignored Mello's status as a genius in this fic. Let's just say all the blond jokes finally rubbed off on him. No offence to those fair-haired people out there!
Please review! I will luv yous foweverrr... X3
Disclaimer: Does this look like it'd happen in the real Death Note? Well, there you have your answer.
Take the Hint Already!
It all started when Matt shuffled nervously into Mello's field of vision one sunny Saturday afternoon.
Only joking. They were in England, so it was grey, misty and pissing with rain. Therefore, everyone was inside. Though in Wammy's House, even inside was grey, misty and pissing with rain.
Anyway, Matt was nervously shuffling towards Mello. As you do. No, really, you do.
"What is it, Matt?" Mello sounded ticked off (exam scores. 'Nuff said), hence the nervous shuffling.
"Uh...well, I...um..." Matt stalled.
Mello's eyes twitched. Then he snapped. "God fucking dammit, spit it out already!"
Matt jumped a foot in the air. Mello glowered. The redhead wasn't usually this jumpy.
"Uh..." Matt hesitated one last time before dropping the bombshell. "Mello...would you kill me if...if I said I loved you?"
"Yes. Why?"
"...No reason."
The next time, Matt and Mello were sitting side by side in front of the TV they'd stolen from Roger's room.
Mello was engrossed in the currently-playing documentary on dialysis, but for some reason, Matt looked slightly glazed over.
During the ad break (because not even Matt was stupid enough to interrupt Mello when he was watching TV), Matt cleared his throat and blurted, "Mello, I'm gay."
Mello raised an eyebrow at him. "Really? How'd you know?"
Matt bit his lip. "Uh...I kinda fell for this guy." He sounded less sure of himself now the initial sentence had been said.
Mello was interested now. "Huh? No way! Who?"
Matt was silent, looking at him meaningfully.
Mello blanched. "It isn't Near, is it?"
Matt smoothly choked on oxygen. "What? No! Eww..."
"So who, then?" Mello interrogated.
"Um. He has blond hair, and likes black, has a ridiculously foul mouth and eats a shitload of chocolate," Matt listed, still giving Mello The Look, like the blond was missing something.
Mello scowled. "Oh. He must be the fucker who stealing my motherfucking chocolate! I swear, I'll hunt him down and kill him! If that doesn't bother you," he added reluctantly, as an afterthought.
Matt was speechless. Speech. Less.
The third time was Matt's birthday. The redhead had bashfully refused a party and was currently sitting on the floor opposite Mello, in the room they shared, eating Mello's gift to him.
"Man, I'm really glad you like Liquorice Allsorts," said Mello, "It was the only thing the local shop sold that didn't have tofu in it."
"Maybe you shouldn't have been looking for candy at a health food store, Mels," Matt pointed out.
"Maybe."
There was a brief silence, due to both of them seeing how many of the black and white double decker ones they could fit into their mouths.
After painfully swallowing his entire mouthful in one go, Matt grabbed the nearby bottle of water and chugged it all.
"Oww..." he complained afterwards, "I'm never doing that again. I won, though."
"No you didn't. I got way more in than you!"
"If you break them in half first, the halves don't count as whole ones, Mello."
"They do too!"
"Do not."
"Do too."
"Do not."
"Do too."
"Do not. And it's my birthday, so I'm right."
"Fine, fine," Mello graciously allowed. "So anyway, I'm well aware that my present wasn't exactly the best in the world. Is there anything else you'd like in particular?"
Matt gulped. "A kiss?" He blushed as red as his hair.
"Is that all? Well, that's convenient!" Mello enthused, confusing Matt well beyond the line that led to insanity. "Here you go!" he announced, offering Matt the small, pink and black circle he'd just fished out of the Allsorts bag. "One Coconut Kiss for you, Matty!"
Matt gaped. "Coconut K– Mello, that's not what I meant!"
"What, you wanted a yellow one?" Mello asked innocently.
Matt resisted the urge to smash his head against the wall. Just. "No, I– aw, I give up. Forget it."
"Okay," Mello complied, looking slightly bemused. But hey, it was Matt's birthday; he could do what he liked.
The fourth time, Mello initiated the conversation, for once.
"Hey Matt, how's it going with the blond you like?"
Matt grimaced. "Awfully," he muttered, "You have no idea..."
"Hey, hey, it can't be that bad. Uh...how bad is it?" Mello's morbid curiosity took over.
Matt looked him in the eyes. "He is completely oblivious."
"Completely? Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I asked for a kiss, and–"
"Wahey, way to go, Matty!" Mello cheered, slapping his friend on the back.
Matt only glowered. "...and he gave me a sweet. A fucking sweet!" he shrieked, slightly frustrated.
Mello winced sympathetically. "Ouch. One of those Coconut Kisses?"
"How did you guess?" Matt rolled his eyes.
Mello missed the sarcasm. "Jeez, is the guy a fucking moron? I mean, how can you miss a hint that obvious? It was so in-your-face, it was barely even a hint any more!"
Mello honestly didn't know why Matt gaped at him, stunned, for over ten minutes.
In a way, the next hint was both the fifth and the first.
"Matt?" Mello caught the other boy's attention, dragging his eyes away from his hand-held game. "We need to talk."
"What is it, Mels?" Matt paused Mario mid-bounce and put down his DS.
"Recently, I've been thinking our friendship is kind of...old. And I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, but I don't think I can go on like this much longer. I don't want to say I'm getting bored, but..." Mello trailed off at the agonised expression on Matt's face. "Matty? What's wrong?"
"You..." Matt swallowed thickly. "You don't think we should be friends any more?"
Mello shook his head. "No, I don't think so. Well, not that we shouldn't, but that we can't, you know? I know personally that I can't just hold up a friendship with you any more, and–"
"Mello, can you stop for a second, please?" Matt asked huskily, shoulders so slumped Mello wondered whether they were still attached to his torso, or whether they were just being held there by his sleeves.
"Why? What's up Matt, don't you like the idea?"
Matt suddenly turned on him furiously. "How would it ever be possible for me to like that idea, Mihael?" he spat venomously.
Mello flinched back. Matt only ever used his real name when he was really pissed off.
"You've been my best friend for so long!" Matt continued, tears flowing from his eyes and welling up in his goggles. He ripped them off impatiently. "You were my only friend for so long, and now you just want to...break up with me?"
Mello blinked, surprised. "What are you talking about? I'm not breaking up with you."
Matt just stared at him disbelievingly.
"I just don't think I can be just your friend any more," Mello explained.
Matt made his Confused As Hell face, the tears slowing slightly.
"God, Matt, do I have to spell it out for you?" Mello asked, exasperated. "I. Want. To. Be. Your. Boyfriend. Get it now?"
Matt was so stunned, he didn't seem to be breathing.
"Matty?" Mello was slightly worried at the redhead's lack of respiration. At least the tears had stopped.
"You...that's what you've been getting at this whole time?" Matt yelled, his voice shooting up a couple of octaves.
"Yes..." Mello said slowly, as if that would make it sink in better. "Jesus, you're almost as thick as that blond crush of yours. You can give up on him now, by the way. I'm better," he declared egotistically.
Matt shook his head slowly. "Mello, you are in no position to call me thick. I've been hinting the same thing to you since January!"
Mello was shocked. "No you haven't!"
Matt sighed. "I have. Need I remind you? I asked what you'd do if I said I loved you, I said I had a crush on a blond chocoholic, because really, how many of those are there in Wammy's, I asked you for a kiss and then I told you how you were failing miserably at being socially aware. Do you get it now?"
Mello was quiet for a bit. Then: "Wow. I was dumb."
"You were."
"I cannot believe how dumb I was."
"Neither can I, trust me. How are you ranked second again?"
"Oi, you know teasing about that's a sure death warrant. Now hurry up and kiss me! Honestly, how many hints do I have to give you, you moron?"
Matt ignored his insult and gladly complied. He'd learnt his lesson: never hint at something to Mello and actually expect him to get it.
A/N: Yup, Mello is clueless. And slightly retarded. Oh wells! Before anyone asks, I adore Mello, he's my favourite character in Death Note, and I don't know why I wrote him like this. Actually, I don't know why I wrote this full stop. WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Review anyway? *undefeated puppy-dog eyes*