Hey everyone! Welcome to my third Gravitation fanfic! Please check out my others, titled Missing Amethyst Eyes and You Don't See Me.
I got the ideafor this songfic from a music video my friend had to this song, it was about Eiri and Shuichi, soI decided to write a fic to it. My main objective was to get Eiri through his confession of love without actually saying"I love you" andI managed to do it too!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or the song A Thousand Miles
A Thousand Miles
Once again, I find myself completely alone. I'm walking through a crowd on one of the busiest streets in Tokyo, but still, I am alone.
I hear nothing, I see nothing, but most of all I feel nothing; I am numb inside. I don't want to be like this, but I am both more and less than this… because to him, I am nothing, and there isn't anything I can ever do about it.
I doubt he's even noticed I'm gone, and I've been gone for two days already; he's got a deadline in two days and he's barely left his study all week. It'll probably be another three days before he eventually finds the note I left for him… by the time he sleeps for twenty-four hours of course.
Why doesn't he understand? Why doesn't he understand how I feel about him? Why can't he understand that I don't care about his past? Why can't he see that I love him? Why won't he love me too?
Making my way down town
The faces passing
I'm home bound.
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way, making my way
Through the crowd
What will he think when he realizes that I won't be coming home? No… I cannot call that apartment home, it never was my home. I am, and always was, a guest in that place… an unwelcome guest by all accounts.
I have reached my destination, my parent's house. I decided that I could no longer impose on my best friend's unfailing hospitality. When I told Hiro this, he had laughed, ruffled my hair and told me that I was always welcome. Touched by his sentiments, but nevertheless reluctant to outstay my welcome, I decided that I would stay there for a few nights before moving on to my parent's house.
My sister Maiko let me in with a sympathetic smile and a hug, but I don't want or need sympathy. I just need to be by myself, alone in my room, so that I can cry. I need to cry for what I have lost so that I may move forward again. I can't be hung up on Eiri Yuki forever, he is my past, and I must look towards my future.
But… if that is really the case, then why is this so hard? Why is it that everywhere I go, all I see is him?
'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And I wonder…
If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you tonight
I just found it. As I walked out of my study for the first time in days, I saw it lying on the kitchen bench; a small, scented envelop with the words For Yuki written on the envelope.
I sighed with exasperation, what was the little idiot going to do this time? 'I hope he hasn't decided to cook dinner again.' I thought to myself.
I may be a real bastard to him all the time, but it's just an act really. I mean sure, he does piss me off occasionally… okay, all the time, but I think I do care about him. Not that I'd ever tell him that of course, I'm not very good at showing my feelings. To be quite honest, I've grown so accustomed to Shuichi's presence that I don't know what life would be like without him.
As I read the letter, I realized with a horrible sinking feeling that I was about to find out exactly what life would be like without him. Suddenly I found it hard to breathe, I sank down onto the nearest stool as I read and re-read the letter. As I did so, I could feel something inside that I'd only ever felt once before, and it hurt like crazy.
Dearest Eiri,
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to say, and to be quite honest I don't really know how to say it. Before I say anything else however, I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than life itself. I know that you will probably roll your eyes when you read that and say I'm a drama queen and an idiot, and perhaps you're right, and I am a drama queen and an idiot, but nevertheless it is the truth and I just want you to know that, regardless of your feelings for me.
Now comes the hard part. By the time you read this, I'll probably either be at Hiro's or at my parent's house, as usual. Only this time, I won't be coming back. I'm leaving. There, I've said it, I'm leaving.
I know that this will make my life a living hell, but I also know that this will make your life so much easier than it currently is with me in it. I've caused you so much physical and emotional pain since we first met, but to be blunt, that's not the reason I'm doing this.
I can't take the way you treat me anymore. I can't take the strain of never knowing what to do when I'm around you. I don't know what to do anymore, and after much consideration, I decided that this was the only thing left to do.
I'm sorry if I've inconvenienced you in any way. I don't really know why I'm apologizing because it's not like you really give a damn whether I leave or not. That's just the way you are.
I don't suppose I'll ever see you again, so goodbye and I love you.
Always and forever,
Shuichi.
The first thing I felt was anger. How could he really think that I didn't care? Then I stopped, because I realized that I had never done anything, anything that could tell him other wise.
I know its times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder if you ever think of me.
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong living in your precious memories
I never wanted to end our relationship, but eventually, I could no longer see any alternative. All it ever did was hurt me.
But… now that it's finally over, the pain has only intensified ten-fold. I can barely breathe for my grief over what I have lost. But no matter how bogged down I get, I keep telling myself that these things take time, and that it will get easier as that time passes. Yet still somehow I can't shake this feeling that I wish that I'd never left that letter. Right now, I want nothing more than to run back to the apartment and tell him that it was all just a joke. Naturally, he'd yell at me and possibly punch me in the face, but at this stage I couldn't care less about what he'd do to me so long as I could be close to him again.
It's only been a day since I moved out of Hiro's and already I'm regretting being at home with my mum, dad and little sister. My mother can hardly look at me without crying and screaming nonsense about one thing or another;
"WAHHHHH! What did I do to deserve a son like you? Why can't you be more like Maiko? I thought I raised you better than this!" and then it turns into; "My poor baby! Let mummy give you a hug!" Of course by then I've locked myself in my room trying to hide from her.
That's about the only time I don't think about him, when I'm confronted by my mother. But the instant I hide from her, memories come flooding…
I was sick. Mum had taped up my equipment and piled it on my bed, so I was sleeping on the floor. I was kind of depressed because Yuki had rejected me, and my demo tape had just been trashed by Seguchi-san.
I was asleep, and I could suddenly smell something, the unmistakable aroma of flowers. At first, I thought it was my dream, but as I woke, I realized that I could still smell them. As I opened my eyes I discovered there was someone leaning over me. When I came to my senses, I realized that it was the one and only Eiri Yuki, in the flesh. I felt the feelings of happiness well up inside of me…
One of my happier memories of my time with Yuki. The good times (however few there were) were not the only times I remembered…
K-san and I crashed dramatically through the wall of the bar and barreled over to Yuki and Seguchi-san.
"I need to talk to Yuki!" I yelled, grabbing on to his arm.
"Eiri and I are on a pub crawl so bugger off!" Seguchi answered, latching on to Yuki's other arm.
Thus it continued for some time. Tohma told me that he'd been playing around because he was jealous of us. Just as I thought I'd won, Yuki turned to Seguchi and said something bizarre; "Fuck you Seguchi. You've gone too far! This is Shuichi's life you're messing with." At the time, I had no idea what that was about. (It wasn't until later that Yuki told me that Seguchi had threatened to kill me) but the next part really broke my heart.
"You told me you did all this so that I could get Shuichi out of my life, didn't you? You were doing me a favour because I was sick of babysitting this punk." I was so confused, but what he said after that hurt even worse.
"You're the only one who understands me…"
Oh God, I wish I could turn back time.
'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And I wonder…
If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you tonight
I couldn't believe that he'd called me Eiri in that letter; he never calls me by my first name. Never.
Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself reaching for my car keys and driving down to Hiro's doing about 100km in a 60 zone.
As I drove there was a constant mantra through my head; "he can't leave me now! He can't leave me now! He just can't!" There was a part of me that was wondering why I was doing this. Why was I going after him anyway? After all, I didn't really give a shit right?
Wrong. I cared, I cared a lot. I wanted him back! I wanted him back now! I wanted him… badly! I feel like I've lost a piece of me. I've never felt like that before, not even after I… killed him.
But I knew what I was missing; I was missing my Shuichi.
I arrived at Hiro's in record time. In fact, it's a wonder I didn't get pulled over by the cops.
I tried to remain calm as I walked to Hiro's front door and rang the bell. It didn't take him long to answer and he didn't seem all that surprised to see me.
"So you did come! I thought you might." He said softly. I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off. "Shuichi's not here, he moved to his parent's house yesterday." He informed me.
I nodded. "Thanks." I said.
"Don't mention it." He replied. "Do you know the way?" he asked.
"Yeah, I've been there before."
"Okay, good luck!" Hiro answered. As I walked back towards my car, his voice hailed me again. "Yuki!" I turned.
"Please, don't hurt him again; take care of him." He said hesitantly.
I smiled my first true smile in a long time. "Don't worry, I'll never hurt him again, I will take care of him."
'I'll never let you go! Never again! Never!'
I, I don't wanna let you go
I, I drown in your memory
I, I don't wanna let you go
I, I don't…
Making my way down town
The faces passing
I'm home bound.
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way, making my way
Through the crowd
When I arrived at Mr. and Mrs. Shindou's house, Shuichi's little sister Maiko answered the door. She looked surprised to see me, but after a minute she smiled and said; "I knew you'd come for him!" she held up her hand when I made to go inside.
"Wait here and I'll go get him; it'll be safer out here. If you go inside you are at the mercy of my mother, and I wouldn't wish my mother on my worst enemy."
I nodded and she closed the door. All I could do now was wait…
"Shuichi, there's someone waiting to see you, they're outside, I thought it was safer if we didn't subject them to mum." Maiko told me.
"Oh, okay. You're probably right about mum too." I agreed as I got to my feet from where I had been lying on my bed.
I went downstairs, opened the front door and stepped outside. I immediately knew why Maiko had kept him out there; mother would've had a coronary.
Standing in front of me, looking sadder than I had ever seen him, was Eiri Yuki.
I was shocked. "Yu – Yuki? What are you doing here?" I asked him, my voice shaking almost uncontrollably.
"I – I don't know why." He answered me. He seemed uncertain, which was unusual for him. Hesitantly he continued, "But when I realised you'd left, I couldn't bear the thought of losing you." He began.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I don't understand…" I whispered.
He smiled crookedly. "Neither do I." he whispered back.
I still wasn't ready to give in to him; I wanted to make sure that he meant what he said. He suddenly surprised me further by wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I stiffened, and he felt it.
"I know I've been an insensitive asshole, but I want to try and make it up to you." He leaned down and kissed me, and before I could stop myself I kissed him back.
And I still need you
I still miss you
And I wonder…
If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass us by?
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you tonight
My mind eventually caught up with events and I pulled back and stepped away from the warmth of his body. "I can't." I murmured, "I can't keep coming back to you when I don't know what to expect from you!"
He ran his fingers through his dishevelled hair; it looked like he hadn't slept yet. "Shuichi, I've been an idiot. But when you disappeared there was a gap in my soul that I never even knew existed until now. I still don't know what to make of it." He sighed in what sounded like exasperation. I winced, hearing the familiar tones of ice once more.
Yuki took a deep breath, as if to calm his nerves. "It wasn't until after you left that I truly realised how much apart of my life you have become." He told me softly. "I've come to dread living life without you."
He took another deep breath and continued, "I can't really stop you from leaving. But I couldn't let you go without telling you…" he became awkward, "Y'know… how I felt."
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead lightly before turning and walking back towards the street where his car was parked.
I stood there watching him leave for what seemed like an age. I sat there replaying the whole scene in my mind, trying do decide if his words, burned like hot irons into my brain to remain there forever, where true, if he really meant what he said.
He had said every word in those same hard, ice chipped tones that he always used, they had sounded so unnatural coming from Eiri Yuki.
I don't know what made me decide that he was for real; that he really meant it, and I don't know what it was that made me run after him.
"Yuki!" I yelled, running down the path after him. He turned and I crashed into him at full force, throwing my arms around his neck like I had so many times before.
"I want to go home." I whispered, crying into his shirt.
He tilted my head up, and he kissed me, the gentlest kiss I had ever received from him.
I could taste the salt from his tears as I kissed him and felt somewhat gratified that this moment had affected him as much as it had me.
I pulled away so that I could look into his amethyst eyes, "
Let's go home." I told him, "We can get your stuff some other time." I wrapped my arm around his waist and breathed a sigh of relief. I had got through that whole damned speech without using the 'L' word.
I may have succeeded in that small area, but I had no intention of letting him go to get into the car just yet. As he giggled and tried to wriggle free of my arm, I pulled him close and kissed him once more.
He looked up at me and smiled. "Eiri." He murmured my first name, tracing his fingers across my face.
I found myself inexorably smiling back. "Shuichi." I replied, unbeknownst to him, savouring the sensation of saying his name.
If I could just hold you,
Tonight
"My Shu-chan…"