Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Mashashi Kishimoto and this is a fanfiction and nothing more. A man can dream though...
Naruto for Dummies
Setting: The world of Naruto is set primarily in a world mixed between china, japan,uh...the middle east....and...uh...africa, so everyone's primarily sematic/asian and there's a few black people here and there. But anyway! The world is moved by a bunch of (modern day?) secret ninja villages that are always at war with each other despite being in an age of peace. There are five major villages that are pretty much the USA, China, Russia, Great Britain, and...Germany of the world and they each have five leaders (called kages(jap: shadows)) that act as the power behind the vaguely mentioned non-ninja countries. The ninja's themselves utilize a mix between actual ninja arts and magic that's called chakra. (But if there in the modern age and have computers and such...how can you keep your village secret from the internet...and are there any guns?)
Mystical Undertone: Chakra is kind of like chi from DragonBall Z only much less powerful and a tad bit lamer. The ninja's perform handsigns and gestures to perform spells called jutsu that do stuff like: duplicating themselves, summoning oversized animals, manipulating the weather, defying/manipulating gravity, transforming into unnecessarily complex forms, choking people with your shadow, making someone's heart explode with a palm to their chest, sealing/unleashing demons, pulling out people's souls, mind rape, absorbing solar energy, and etc. So, a ninja's strength can range from Hercule to Mr. Manhatten(not quite as all-powerful, but you get the picture, right?)
Ranking scale: the ninjas are ranked in this order(Ranks can also be deceptive, as a cadet could beat the crap out of chunin with the right jutsu and an anbu can somehow kill his whole clan full of jonin and chunin...again, it all depends on the individual):
academy candidates: ninja trainees in school only instead of reading writing and arithmatic, the kids learn cheating, stealing, and killing with various skills/weapons(and they complain about modern school systems!)
genin: the lowest rank of the actual ninjas (this is when they start wearing those really shiny headbands) that are divided into 3-man squads lead by a jonin. They usually do work-horse jobs like mowing the lawn, putting puppies to sleep, and have the highest mortality rate amongst the ranks due to most being sent to missions that were more dangerous than they anticipated(aren't ninjas supposed to be prepared for anything?!) (exp: Konohamaru(mini-Naruto with brown spiky hair)
chunin: Once you pass some tournament based on team cooperation and care(shouldn't ninjas care only for the mission?), how well you can complete a task and follow every direction, and how skilled of a ninja you are and how well you use those skills in a fight(even though you can lose and still become a chunin and then beat the strongest guys and still stay stuck as a genin...). They're the journeymen ninja, often sent to on vast scale of missions that can't be easily described, basically, a chunin could go on any kind of mission(assuming that they're properly prepared) and they also instruct the cannon-fodder at the academy whenever they're not going on life or death missions. (exp: Iruka(guy with scar across his nose)
semi-jonin(forgot japanese term): These are ninja who aren't quite elite ninja but can beat the crap out of the average chunin. These jonin specialize in one specific area and usually called on by other jonin to help in that area......Yeah, not much else to say about these guys. (exp: Anko(girl with really suggestive outfit)
jonin: Elite ninja that are well-versed in most forms of jutsu. While it hasnt been revealed as to how one goes about becoming a jonin, being a jonin is the equivilent of being a field general. EVERYONE(except kage and maybe anbu) reports to you in a combat situation. They're like the marines of the ninja army and are sent on missions involving other skilled enemy ninja. A really strong jonin can also stand up to an s-class, but this isnt encouraged(exp: Kakashi(guy with spiky white hair with headband over left eye)
anbu: They're the swat-ninjas, sent on confidential missions that would likely start a war or destroy someone's reputation if the missions were uncovered. They wear animal masks to hide their faces, carry badass katanas, and report directly to the kage for missions(may take orders from jonin if commanded). (exp: Sai(pale emotionless guy that nobody likes)
s-class: These are post-jonin ninjas that could destroy a whole army/village/country by themselves unless someone equal or stronger than them arrives to stop them....usually this doesn't happen(in other words, don't f(beep) with an S-class unless you have some really good jutsu that can beat them without a doubt!). Every major village has a bingo book of every other country's s-class and will often try to kill or convert them. But most of the time, a "flee on sight" order is issued whenever one of these guys are spotted so the bingo books are usually just there to take up space. (exp: Naruto(why do I need to point this out? blond kid with bright orange jumpsuit)
kage: Ninja leaders, whom usually end being the strongest in their village. As such, they're really isnt much need for a secret service for them as they can pretty much beat the crap out of anyone lower than an s-class. Most S-class' are either smart or weak enough to back down from such a challenge. (exp: Tsunade(fifty year old who looks twenty with diamond on her forehead)
Prologue to actual story:
Naruto's(kid in bright orange jumpsuit(how the hell is he supposed to stay hidden with that outfit!?) backstory:
Well, there was some big war and these chakra beasts were created. After the war, the demons were captured and distributed to each of the major villages(villages with names and kages) instead of being destroyed(Why?!). Many decades passed and about a few years after another great war ended, one of these demons, a ninetails overdosed on steriods and possessed by a demon, came out of nowhere and attacked Konohagukure (Ninja Village hidden in the Leaves...even though the huge wall and the statues in the moutain would be a bit of a give away). Lots of people were killed, some kid got cut across the top of his nose around the same time that his parents were mutilated by the fox, and the village was pretty much screwed (This isnt first nor will the last time this kind of thing happens). Until the 4th hokage arrived on top of a frog and somehow defeated the demon (How's a frog gonna help beat a ninetails!?). But instead of doing the intelligent thing and killing the fox!! The Fourth pulled an Isildur and sealed the ninetails into the body of his newborn son, losing his life in the process (the kages of this village have a tendency of doing that), forcing the old Third hokage (There can be two kages at the same time. Don't ask, I dont get it either...) to grudingly return to office, and condemning his son to twelve years of having to know what it was like to be black (except he just had a demon inside him, but the kids were just following their parent's lead in ignoring the 4th's wishes).
Sasuke's(Emo/Angst kid with the spiky black hair(wonder if he's related to Goku or Cloud?) backstory:
About seven or nine years after that happened, the Uchiha clan(a bunch of emo-ninjas who's eyes can detect and copy any jutsu) was completely massacred in one night by an Anbu captain named Itachi Uchiha(Ironically, the clan was planning on launching a coup, so it's a bit conveniant that the clan was massacred around the same time huh?), who had killed his best friend to advance his sharigan(clan jutsu centered in the eyes). No one really knows why he'd do this to his own clan(officially), but he left his younger brother alive with the memories of everyone he ever loved or cared about being mutiliated by his older brother(Think Itachi overdid it a bit, manga readers?). So, over the course of three or five years, Sasuke trained for the sole prospect of having his revenge on his older brother(which he would eventually regret) and became an emo-angst; coldly ignoring the affections of every girl and guy(wait what!? "breaks down laughing") in his quest to avenge his clan.
Not much to say about anyone else....except Kakashi recieved a sharigan donation from his dying comrade, Hinata was pretty much disowned by her own family for a lack of confidence, Shikamaru was always a lazy ass, Choji was made fun of for being fat, but still made friends Shikamaru(who doesnt care about anything), Lee can't use chakra based jutsu(he can do hand to hand stuff), Orochimaru was kicked out of Evil Organization for trying to rape an underaged member(Itachi) and ran away to create his own village, Gaara didnt have any friends, and that's everyone who matters!
Sakura: "Hey!! What about me!?"
Author: "Again...everyone who matters."
Sakura: "But I'm a main character-"
Author: "Have you actually done anything in the entire series!?"
Sakura: "Well-"
Author: "Hold that thought until the next installment; but for now, GET THE F(beep) OUT OF MY FACE!!!"
Sakura: "Runs away crying...and nobody cares"
Itachi: "A bit harsh on the girl, arent we?"
Author: "Don't even get me started on why you can't talk..."
Author's notes: Really did this on a humor whim, so if you(the readers) think I should keep going, then post your reviews(good or bad, love it or hate it) and I'll continue if I get more than 10 reviews...Thanks for reading!! :)