Hurting Myself While Hurting You
Disclaimer: I don't own the Clique. I don't even know when the next book is coming out (anyone want to help me with that one?).
Something always brings me back to you
It's always been a vicious cycle. She sees the way she hurts them over and over again. She sees her own selfishness etched on their carefully nonchalant faces. She knows she's doing much more harm than good by staying in this cycle.
But she's Massie Block, and anyone else's feelings and broken stares never seem to faze her. Or, at least, no one can know they do.
Cam Fisher. He's that smooth-talking, hair-ruffling, preppy school boy of Westchester Academy. He's popular and energetic, seeming the perfect one for her. His experiences with girls hasn't always been the best (sometimes he's even been rejected!), but nearly all girls get weak-kneed and fall head over heels for him and his smiles.
It's no surprise that Massie could easily fall for that. Cam was safe and made her laugh when she felt like crying at the latest drama with her parents. He was easy to talk to when he didn't have his friends around to goad him into doing stupid things. His wit was infectious, and she often found herself letting the ice queen façade down enough to seem almost…normal. It was impossible for her to want to get away from that kind of security and love.
Then came Derrick Harrington.
He was infuriating. That's the best way Massie could describe him. Infuriating, annoying, exasperating, aggravating, any one of those could apply. His dark eyes and contrasting light hair (oh, that light hair was much too perfect for such an imperfect little boy) made girls lust (never love, love isn't something Derrick Harrington can process) and want him more than anything. His quick smirk and badass ways can make any girl want a quick fix.
It is a surprise to Massie that she fell for that. Constantly, she asked, "Why do I like him? He's the absolute worst person in the world and should go die in a hole." Though, Massie knows that she'd run right into that hole with him. He was attractive; that much was obvious. His bad boy persona made her curious to know more; what could have made this boy so jaded? Sometimes, she'd actually get snippets of an answer. Massie would hear him drop the condescending tone and let her into a small part of his inner thoughts, some minute puzzle piece to the great mystery that created Derrick Harrington. She couldn't help but want more and more.
She never wanted to fool them both. She never even wanted to be with them at first. Massie thought it would be so much easier to just avoid them both, and maybe (just maybe), she'd be able to get over her crushes. But those two completely different boys had one thing in common: They would not leave Massie Block alone. They wanted to be with (or just wanted her in a certain blonde's case) and wouldn't leave her alone until she accepted the truth.
And the truth was: she couldn't chose between them. The only logical thing (because Massie Block is calculations and logic) was to stop all contact with them again. Sadly, Massie wasn't ready to accept logic just yet.
--
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain
She was in love; Alicia Rivera was sure of it.
Alicia had never good at falling for the right people. She had the misfortune of loving people once they already loved someone else. She could never seem to find someone who wasn't already with someone else or was trying to be. This time was no different.
His name is Derrick Harrington. And she was sure that she loved him. Too bad the only person he wanted was Massie Block, bitch extraordinaire. Sure, Massie was one of her best friends, but that didn't mean she had to like her, right?
To Alicia, it hurt to see them with glistening eyes and fiery words. She couldn't stand it. Why couldn't she be the one Derrick wanted? Why did everyone always want Massie Block, aka Little Miss Perfect?
Was there something wrong with Alicia? I mean, she's pretty, isn't she? She deserves to be liked. But then…why isn't she? Why are the only people who like her dirty, dirty boys who only want a dirty, dirty girl? It's unfair, Alicia thinks.
She loves Derrick Harrington, the bad boy of Westchester Preparatory. And she'll stop at nothing to get him.
--
Set me free, leave me be, I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Massie Block was special, Cam decided. She never failed to surprise him. Is it sad that even when the surprise is as crushing as this he still wants to be with her?
He found her in a broom closet. They were at the annual OCD benefit party. Even if they'd left the school and their lives there behind, the party still happens every year, bringing people who tried to forget about each other in high school back in one place.
And he saw her, shoved up against the wall while Derrick Harrington kissed her furiously with his hands roaming the expanse of her back and hair. Cam had been shocked, he remembers bitterly, and yet he couldn't look away from the sight. It taunted him evilly, a seductive and mocking voice whispering in his ear that she never loved him and she never will. Massie had moaned, opened her eyes slightly, and she saw Cam looking at her with an unreadable expression. He had seen her surprise and could almost feel the fear that gripped her.
Cam couldn't care one bit.
He turned around and left swiftly, not wanting to run since it reminded him resentfully of a time when he dated another of Massie's friends. Does he always have to be the nice guy who gets cheated on?
And she chased him, leaving Derrick most likely confounded and angry. Yet still wanting more. Just like Cam was feeling. Massie kissed him desperately when she caught him and Cam felt powerless when it came to her. He didn't want to like her, maybe love her, when she couldn't choose who she wanted: Cam or Derrick flipping Harrington, Westchester Prep's very own certified BAMF.
He hated her for it. He hated how she made him helpless and confused and so, so needy. Cam needed Massie Block. Yet, she didn't need just him. She needed both him and Derrick. Cam Fisher could never stand that.
--
But you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone
Alicia Rivera has never truly been courageous. She's never been brave about trying new foods, going on new fair rides, or even using new and innovative stores. She's classic and ends up doing whatever has worked for years. But that day, she decides that maybe she will be brave. Maybe she'll be brave enough to tell Derrick Harrington how she's in love with him and can't stop.
It didn't end too well.
He rejected her. And what's worse is, he rejected her callously. Derrick looked at her the epitome of disgust and hate, making Alicia crazy. She felt suffocated in his stare, his disbelieving and, quite frankly, I-don't-care stare. She was in love with him! Why was he being so cold? Didn't he love her too? Isn't Alicia Rivera always supposed to "get her man"?
No, she really doesn't. That's just what everyone assumes when they see this harem of perverted boys after that part of her body below her collar bone and above her rib cage. They never care about her startling wit when she gets the chance to show it. They never see the fluid dancer legs she has that helps her move with gazelle-like grace. They never see her fingers, filed and painted to perfection since it's one of the few things she can control. No boy ever sees this. Alicia can never stand their lustful stares and she thought that maybe Derrick could understand.
He's only been given longing looks, but never looks of love. She thought she could be the one to give him the love he needed, just like her could give her that long awaited look of love, not lust.
Alicia's eyes had filled with tears when Derrick rejected her, and as she sits in her bathroom in her motorcycle seat, preparing for a newscast, the tears keep coming. Her tan skin was stained with the mascara lines on her shallow cheeks and around her red nose. Her brown eyes were puffy and swollen as she looked at her reflection in the mirror, never being satisfied with what was looking back.
"Hello, Westchester, it's Alicia Rivera for the evening time news. Today's main bulletin: Heartbreak. Poor Alicia has had her heart ripped from it's cavity with the killer not caring he just stabbed her. Derrick Harrington, the love of her life that she has previously spoken about, is this new killer. He's on the loose, most likely hurting and killing more girls' hearts. Be on the lookout and stay safe, Westchester. Now, as for answers for Alicia's new case. Will she survive this heartache? Will she ever be able to show her face in school again? Will she ever be healed? Tune in for the next story. Thank you and goodnight."
She saw the mental camera's light turn off and people congratulate her on a great broadcast. She loves her fantasies; she loves living in a world she can control for once and never be hurt. Alicia doesn't like being hurt, she never has. Her opinion on heartbreak is much too hands-on for her liking and yet it keeps happening anyway.
Alicia wants this all to stop, she doesn't want to feel the pain and inferiority that plagues her everyday of her life. She wishes she could be someone else, someone who always gets who and what they want. She always did want to be Massie Block.
--
But you're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go
Derrick Harrington's life has never been easy, and normally he's able to accept it. This time, though, it's just too much.
He's dealt with his absurdly negligent parents, his drinking problem, and the obsession with pretty, pretty girls. That last one has always been an issue; he knew it would be. Derrick always wanted pretty girls and he knew he would only get pretty girls.
Then he met Massie Block.
She was beautiful, he'd admit, too beautiful. Her glossy hair always loose around her shoulders, her amber eyes glinting dangerously, and her ability to make everyone around her want to be her or be with her. Derrick, at first, hated her. He hated her false perfection and glorification by the student body. He saw her as nothing more than a person who didn't deserve the fame and adoration. Derrick hated her so much that he made it his mission in life to annoy her and every one of her friends until they hated him too.
But then he became just like everyone else. He began to find her attractive. At first, he passed it off as nothing; really, who hasn't thought of Massie Block as attractive? Then it progressed into liking the arguments they had and the witty and sarcastic responses they would both come up with. This wasn't normal, Derrick had thought. He was terrified of this whole thing; liking someone so different from himself was the weirdest experience he could come up with. They weren't compatible in anyway, and yet, he still thought they could work. It was madness, he kept thinking, a madness he didn't hate being in.
Derrick wasn't stupid, oblivious, or naïve. He knew exactly what Massie was doing with both him and Cam Fisher. He knew she was with both of them. Derrick cared and hated it, but didn't want to do anything about it. He was quite sure he was in love with Massie (damn it, he's never known what to do with these feelings!) and he really didn't want to give her up. Derrick was constantly being hurt over and over by Massie's indecision but would never show it. He wasn't that type of guy.
He never wanted to hurt Alicia Rivera, though. Derrick had thought about it: It wouldn't be that hard to go out with her, right? She was pretty, he'd admit, and he's always liked those pretty girls. And she liked him, a lot, and didn't like anyone else. It would make sense and it would be easier on his frayed feelings to do that. But he couldn't. Derrick kept imagining Massie's broken eyes and her feelings of betrayal were so tangible for him. As much as he wanted to, as much as he knew he should, he couldn't do that to her.
Derrick Harrington loved Massie Block too much for that.
--
Something always brings me back to you
Yes, it truly was a vicious cycle.
Massie knew it was much too difficult for them all to keep this love square alive. It was hurtful, and stupid, and no one could possibly live like this. Someone had to choose a path, and Massie just knew that it had to be her.
But she loved them both; she needed them both. Cam was her security and unconditional love, her Nate Archibald. Derrick was her excitement and freedom, her Chuck Bass. Massie knew that both were part of her and both boys brought out sides that she liked showing: her carefree and open side and her wild and crazy side. She loved them for who they were and how they treated her, even if she was cheating on them and they knew it. It was a horriblehorriblehorrible way to live and Massie couldn't stand that her indecision was the cause of the pain they kept trying to mask (you can never hide the pain from someone who knows you so well).
So, she made a choice. It was possibly the hardest decision she would ever make, but she knew it had to be done. And she chose someone she might regret choosing later: Cameron Fisher.
Massie chose him mainly because she knew she wouldn't get as easily hurt with Cam. Cam was safe, and at times maybe a little boring and stoic, but he was her Cam and he loved her more than anything. She knew and understood that more than anyone could ever understand. With Derrick, it was uncertain. It was twisting and madness when he was around, and as much as she loved the craziness, it petrified her. Derrick was never clear and honest with how he felt and that made her insane. She guessed that he loved her, but she was never fully sure. And Massie Block, the Massie Block everyone thought she was, could never be anything less than certain about something.
As she walks in school during the aftermath, she sees everyone involved the closest these last six months. She's holding tightly on to Cam's warm hands, a comfort in and of itself. She smiles uncertainly up at him, hoping for some reassurance. He responds by squeezing her hand and giving her a wink. Massie turns to look at Alicia who she had just discovered had liked Derrick the whole time. She's sitting alone, stirring her food around sadly. As Massie looks to where Alicia's head periodically turned to, she saw Derrick surrounded by pretty girls. They were flirting with him and tousling his hair seductively. Derrick smirked through it all, but when he caught Massie's probing glance, the arrogant smile left.
The amber and caramel clash, as they always did. Massie's eyes are open and for once clear of her usual cloud of confusion. Derrick's eyes are guarded and cold, trying with all their might to keep his true feelings beneath the surface. She, though, could detect the smallest hint of pain and yet there was a glimmer of understanding. He might comprehend why she chose Cam, and hopefully wasn't going to hate her for it. But, with the case of Massie and Derrick, there was always going to be some hate and tension underneath the surface.
Massie walks to her usual seat, tugging Cam with her. She sees Claire's easy grin and Chris Plovert had his arm around her shoulders. She hears Dylan's uproarious laugh as Kemp does something disgusting, yet amazing. She could feel the thick "I want to do you" haze that surrounded Kristen and Josh as they leaned toward each other. Massie leaned against Cam, looking at her kingdom, and gazing sadly at the mess she created. She's tried to right it by choosing, but even that won't truly mend all these broken hearts.
Because Massie Scarlett Block, Cameron Caesar Fisher, Derrick George Harrington, and Alicia Ofelia Rivera were never meant to have their perfect happy endings. They're just starting to realize that.
It never takes too long
UGH! It's completely awful and disjointed and in need of serious work. But I can't think of anyway to fix it :/ So, review and tell me what you think? : )