A/N: This is my first ever L Word fanfic and I really Hope you all enjoy it. I felt that there aren't enough Shenny fics so I wrote one.I know it ends off with too many opened ends and little closure, but I wanted to leave it open for another chapter. It picks up where season five leaves off and for right now is only Shenny. Anyway, enjoy!
I Thought….
Chapter One
Confrontation
Shane felt nervous as she opened the door to the house. She knew Jenny wouldn't want to see her or talk to her, but Shane simply couldn't allow their friendship to end this way. She walked into the living room, pushing all her fears aside and approaching Jenny, who sat silently crying on the couch. Shane felt as if a thousand knives were piercing her heart all at once. She had never meant for this to happen.
"Jen," She began, but Jenny held up and hand to cut her off.
"No, please. Don't." Jenny said as she rose to her feet and began to exit the room.
"Jen, don't leave." Shane begged.
"I'm going to sleep. I can't even look at you." She replied.
Shane went from being sympathetic to a bit angry. "Jen, I know you're hurt, but you can't even look at me? That's a little harsh don't you think?"
Jenny looked at Shane in surprise. She was taken aback at the audacity Shane had to think she was in any position to talk to her like that.
"Yeah. I don't even wanna look at you. I don't see Shane anymore." Jenny explained.
"Oh?" Shane replied. "Who do you see?"
"I see you and my girlfriend. I see her naked and you…" Jenny winced. "Please don't make me think or talk about it, Shane."
"Don't do this, Jen. Don't give up on us this quickly." Shane begged. Jenny looked hurt.
"Maybe you should have thought about that when you were with Nikki. Before anything happened. Or better yet, before you took Carmen from me. Time after time, Shane, you have betrayed me. You are not my best-."
"Jenny! Stop! Please!" Shane cried. Jenny glared at Shane and then retreated to her bedroom. She immediately reappeared.
"You know, Shane. You know what I don't understand?"
"What?" Shane asked quietly.
"I understand that you… But why? Why did you quit your job and come with me? Why did you sit there and tell me that you loved me and that you were my best friend? Why did you console me when I was upset? Shane, you've broken my heart and you've broken my trust and-."
"Jenny! Please! I know you're hurt but I-." Shane felt Jenny slipping further and further away with every word. "I was just so… It wasn't about Nikki."
"Oh it wasn't? Because that's not usually what I'm thinking when I'm having sex." Jenny replied. "So tell me, Shane. Tell me what it was about. Tell me that you didn't want it. Tell me she wasn't amazing." Jenny exclaimed, eye makeup running down her face. "Go ahead, Shane."
Shane lowered her head in shame. "I'm sorry, Jen. I wasn't thinking at all. Not about you and Nikki. I was thinking about Molly and about her mom. I was thinking about cheating on Molly, not causing Nikki to cheat on you. I had been drinking… I was…confused and hurt and-."
"Right. Of course. You couldn't tell her to her face that you were sick of her. That you were done using her. That you got tired of her and wanted to move on to something new. Or someone new. You had to cheat on her. Cheat on me. You are the worst best friend ever." Jenny turned her back to Shane. "I feel so stupid."
"No, Jen. I should be the one feeling-." But Jenny walked outside, slamming the front door behind her.
She sat alone on the front steps and lit a cigarette with shaky hands. She heard the door open and close behind her. She didn't turn around. She was too upset.
Shane touched Jenny's back, but Jenny recoiled. "Please don't touch me." She said in a bordering-on-calm monotone voice.
Shane, once again, felt as though she had failed. Only this morning she would have been able to hug Jenny or even kiss her, and now she had betrayed her. What really horrified her though, was the thought that the last time she hugged her- right before she betrayed her- might be the last hug she and Jenny would ever share. Suddenly Shane began realizing feelings she had been trying to surpress. No. Shane pleaded with herself. It's too late for this.
"I'm sorry." Shane responded, jerking her hand off Jenny's back. "What I was saying was, I should feel stupid. I betrayed the only person who never betrayed me."
Jenny looked up at Shane. She made eye contact, but her face was blank, and Shane couldn't read her.
"Can we talk about this, Jen?" Shane asked once more, bracing herself to get shot down.
Jenny silently nodded her head. She put out the cigarette in her hand and reached for the box.
"Can I bum one?" Shane asked. Jenny handed her the box and lighter.
"Jen," Shane said while lighting a cigarette. "I know I fucked up. I know I hurt you. And the truth is, I do mess up my relationships. Everyone else has told me that, but I guess now that you said it, I'm willing to believe it. Please don't feel stupid. Please don't ever blame yourself for any of this. I know you would have never thought Nikki would- you know."
"The thing is, Shane," Jenny replied, trying hard to compose herself and steady her voice. She couldn't let Shane know she was this hurt. "I-." She faultered. Her voice cracked slightly as she forced back tears. "I would have expected this from her." Jenny replied.
Shane glanced at Jenny quickly, and then away. The intensity of the pain in Jenny's eyes was too much to handle.
"But not from you." Jenny shook her head slowly from side to side. "Not from you." Jenny rose to her feet and began to open the door.
"Jen, please wait." Shane begged. "I'm not ready to lose you."
Jenny turned to face Shane. Shane stood and cautiously approached Jenny.
"Shane, the truth is, I was going to leave her." Jenny said.
Shane was a bit puzzled but still understood why Jenny was hurt.
"You were?" Shane asked.
"Yeah. I thought I loved someone else." Jenny replied shaking her head as if what she was saying was ridiculous. "I feel really stupid." Jenny replied.
Shane grabbed Jenny's wrist. Jenny pulled away. "Don't ever touch me again. Not with those hands. Those filthy hands that you steal my girlfriends with."
"Jen you are my best friend. Can't we work-?"
"Don't you dare call me your best friend. I'm nothing to you. And I guess I don't really want to be anymore…" Jenny trailed off.
"Anymore?" Shane echoed. She was burning up to know what Jenny was talking about.
"Like I said, I'm really stupid." Jenny replied. "Goodnight, Shane."
"Jenny wait!" Shane called once more. "Do you love me?"
"I don't even know you." Jenny replied coldly.
"Yes you do." Shane replied.
"I thought I knew you, but the Shane I knew would never hurt me like this." Jenny replied and slammed the door. Shane was left out in the cold, to contemplate what Jenny had said. There was a furious battle in her mind.
This cannot be good. You don't love her. How can you? She's your best friend and you constantly let her down. Don't let yourself love her, you could never take care of her. She needs consistency. She needs someone who can't stop thinking about her and someone who only wants her. That's what love is. Not this… You are just afraid of losing her.
"No. That's not what this is about." Shane determined as she walked inside, a new confidence controlling her.
She walked into the house and Jenny had already gone to bed. She opened the door and saw Jenny asleep on her bed, still in her dress. She put the blankets on top of Jenny and kissed her forehead.
"Goodnight, Jen." She whispered. "I love you."