Baby I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
Baby I've been, I've been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Yea, we'll be counting stars
Hazel found herself staring at the galaxy. The endless expanse of space and huge balls of flaming gas remind man of his soon expiration, of his trivial existence, of a pointless life on this Earth. Yet, even with this knowledge, she found herself living almost like he goal was to survive 'till the end. And it was her that fully understood the concept of 'inevitable oblivion'. Once again, she remembered the name Augustus Waters.
Again, she felt the searing pain of loss;
Again, she felt the feeling of content, happiness, love;
Again, she relived each moment, both in tears and laughter;
Again, she was unable to forget her heart's desire: he was her first, and she knew that he would be her last.
I see this life, like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face is flashing signs
Seek it and ye shall find
Lying down on the cool grass, the night air caressed her short locks of hair, the stars were twinkling brighter than the moment before. Hazel absentmindedly fingered the oxygen tank that literally carried her life- it was essentially the bane of her existence. Well, before Augustus, that was. With another conflicted sigh, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to be lost in her thoughts.
Old, but I'm not that old,
Young, but I'm not that bold
Everything that kills me makes me
Feel alive
Just days ago, she had returned from the hospital and she knew, as her lungs filled up almost imperceptibly, that her time was running out. Just days ago, she had had a somewhat-indepth conversation with her doctor. 'It was time to say goodbye,' she recalled. To her parents. To Isaac. To the counselor who always preached about problems and sharing them at the literal heart of Jesus. To... Well, she did not have my goodbyes to say, but at least all of them will be heart-felt.
Old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
Everything that drowns me makes me
Wanna fly
Gazing curiously once again at the many stars above, she wondered if it really was goodbye. She wondered if there was a life after the current one that she seemed to be stuck in. She wondered if she would be continuously drowning in the next lifetime (lifetimes?) if there was one (many?) Would it be a religious heaven? Would there be a hell? Would she simply cease to exist anymore?
'Too many questions, too little answers, and I love you August Waters. I will never stop loving you, the entire purpose of my earthly existence.'
I feel the love, and I feel it burn
Down this river every turn
Hope is our four-letter word
(Watch it burn)
Thought soon, she would have to go back to her mundane and petty life, a colorless world where Augustus Waters was the only worthwhile streak of paint. Still, it was moments like these- peaceful and nostalgic- that she still believed life to be worthwhile. Precious yet ordinary nights like these where she can be free from the clutches of reality and breathe and smile through the pain because she actually felt happy and count the infinite amount of stars illuminating the dark night sky.
Only, she wished that Augustus were with her to gaze upwards at the stars and make psychological observations only spoken between each other, like their little secret.
And I feel something so right
By doing the wrong thing
And I feel something so wrong
By doing the wrong thing
Hazel got up, picked up her oxygen tank, and walked into the house. While heading up to her room she briefly heard her mother and her father conversing on expenses. That was all that seemed to be worth talking about, it seemed, even in front of Hazel- money. Such a worthless object that holds so much value in today's modern society, she thought grimly, a piece of paper and plastic card determining everyone's status and public persona. It all seemed so wrong somehow. Yet she could do nothing to change it, do nothing to fix the way the world worked.
I couldn't lie,
couldn't lie
couldn't lie
Everything that kills me makes me
Feel alive
On her desk lay an unfinished letter, one she had read an infinite number of times, word by word, letter by letter. She gazed out the window making way to all the bright stars that reminded her of kind eyes, a warm and smart mouth, a loving personality, her beloved Augustus.
'Wait for me Augustus, wait wherever you are. We will make it to each other no matter what, no matter if there is a heaven or if we are reincarnated or if we will forever be spirits doomed to roam the earth.
Wait for me, and soon we'll be counting the stars together.'
Baby I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
Baby I've been, I've been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Two cold slabs of stone, representing so much, yet signifying those lost. Or those who have found, found each other- we may never know.
The echo of their worlds play in the wind, an infinity in the wind.
Their infinity.
Baby I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
Baby I've been, I've been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Augustus Waters
1994~2012
Hazel Grace Lancaster
1996~2013
We'll be counting stars...