Title: Learning To Breathe
Author: Star-chan
Genre: Angst songfic
Rating: PG  [language]
Summary: A look through the eyes of unrequited love.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.  Nor do I own Learning To Breathe, which belongs to a great band called Switchfoot.
Author's Notes: I wrote this in 20 minutes, so it's definitely not my best work.  But the mood called for it.  Enjoy.


Learning To Breathe


Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?

The sun peered out through half-drawn curtains, upon a slumbering man entangled in cotton sheets.  He groaned as the sun light moved up towards his face, his eyes slamming more tightly shut as the remnants of last night's liquor churned in his stomach.  Turning his head to the side, he found no comforting darkness.  The golden rays assaulted his eyesight mercilessly from the windows on either side of the room.  Goddammit, does the sun hate me too?

This time, he braved opening one eye, and held it open for some time as the throbbing in his head began to dull away.  He sighed.  Now both orbs were open, peering at the green digital numbers next to him.  Oh to hell with it.  I'm taking the day off.  He was already late for work, so what was the point?  Nothing mattered anymore.


I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

He sighed again, and turned in his bed.  It never hurt this much when he got drunk before; then again, when was the last time he got drunk that bad, prior to the night before?  Most likely never, but yesterday called for it.

She was married.  She was Mrs. What's-His-Face.  She was his wife, but not his.  They weren't together. 

And why? 

Because he was too terrified.  He was too cowardly to let someone into his heart, into his soul, into his life. 

He was… afraid. 

And dammit, that struck him right in the heart.

No no no… he needed to stop thinking about her.  This wasn't going to get him anywhere other than closer to a bottle of vodka. 

If he had anymore, that is.


So this is the way that I say I need you
This is the way that I'm
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl

This was his punishment, wasn't it?  For needing her, but only from afar.  For wanting her, but only at a distance.  For loving her, only inside his heart.

Someone up there really knew how to play at his heart. 

But then again, she had always wanted him, hadn't she?  Even when they were together for a short while, she always needed him, and the fire in her heart was always saved for him, but not he.

Why was he doing this to himself?  Like it made a difference. 

She was off in some exotic place, having the time of her life with her new husband. 

New husband, but forever lover. 

God, how could he face those two when they came back?  How could he look her in the eye after all this?  She thought that everything was fine, that he never had a feeling for her beyond that of friends.  But it wasn't her fault.  It was his.

Why was he so afraid?  Maybe he would learn that from this.


I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

I wonder… I wonder if she ever knew what she meant to me...  Probably not.  He was the master of hidden feelings, was he not?  Oh sure, he could fool the best of them. 

Hell, he had fooled her, hadn't he? 

She thought he was happy, that he was glad she was beginning a new life.  But it was without me… so how could I be happy?  She was the only happiness in his life… and now, she was gone.  What could he do? 

What could he possibly do with his life?

He would give anything, anything in the world to be in his place right now.  To be holding her, kissing her, making love to her whenever he pleased.  But she didn't love him.  So if he was holding her, her eyes would be empty, all feelings reserved for the glorious moment that he returned.

He sighed again. 

But it would never be that way.  Just a wish, a dream, a distant star.


Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in

The wedding was yesterday.  She stood there, in all her beautiful glory, walking towards her fiancé with the biggest smile that he had ever seen.  But the smile was for him, not the pining best man standing beside him.

Best men aren't supposed to want the bride, though.  They're supposed to be there to support the nervous groom.  Too late—he'd wanted her from the minute he'd laid eyes on her.

He wandered back towards the wedding against his will.  The memories, those horrid memories, flashed in front of his eyes continually.  How she walked down the aisle, how the priest pronounced them husband and wife, how a tear of joy slipped down her perfect skin as she leaned towards him and they kissed.  Why was everything in this life so cruel?  The one time he had let down his defenses enough to fall in love, she ended up with someone different.  Just his luck that the only woman he'd ever wanted looked at him as nothing more than a friend.

But this was his life, right?  So it was normal.


I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

What was the point of love, anyway? 

It either works or it doesn't, and the latter hurt like nothing else in the world.  How great could something be when it caused so much pain?  Sure, all the romance movies and books made it sound like it was the best thing in the whole damn universe, but they never said anything about the poor bastards who got kicked aside while the lead couple was happily making out in each others' arms.

Ugh.  Disgusting.

It never seemed to hurt so much before though.  Maybe somewhere in his mind, his stupid mind, he thought that one day she would come to her senses and love him!  Not him, HIM! 

Why couldn't she see WHAT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER? 

How could she just push him away the moment he came running?  He was with her through all the tears, not him.  He was there through everything, through the lonely nights, the nightmares, the lost dreams, the shattered hearts. 

NOT HIM.

And still.  He was the one sitting here with the broken heart.  Not him.


So this is the way that I say I need you
This is the way that I say I love you
This is the way that I say I'm yours

She was happy though.  It was alright.  As soon as she had a smile on her face, he would too.  He would wake up every morning just to see her happy face, even if the joy wasn't for him.  He would go on through the days just for an occasional lunch with her, or maybe even a friendly phone call.

He would toss through the nights, though, dreaming of what was but never became.  It was alright though.  He would live.  He would persevere.  He would make sure that he treated her right.  He would make sure that he didn't leave her life again.

He would make sure she was happy.

Happy without me…  But happy nonetheless.


This is the way, this is the way
I'm learning to breathe

He allowed himself one tear.  A single tear was allowed past his closed lids, but nothing more.  He would not shed tears, so long as she lived.  So long as she was happy. 

So long as she loves me, even if in her own small way.

Duo turned over in bed, sighing one last time before darkness overtook him.

"Relena…"


Fin.