AN: Go to youtube and find the song "If You're Going to San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Flowers In Your Hair)" That's where I got this whole idea. Enjoy!
He knew she had ended up in San Francisco, but that wasn't the reason for his trip (at least that's what he told himself). He told himself that he just wanted to travel, that he just wanted to see the continental United States outside of the Upper East Side and the short, brief trips he had taken to Brooklyn. He had been all over Europe, used his charming boyish looks and piercing blue eyes to flirt and seduce some of the sexiest women abroad – but he'd never been to San Francisco and that was just unacceptable (or at least that's what he told Chuck).
But everyone else knew the real reason even if he refused to acknowledge it. Chuck had overheard from Blair who overheard from Serena who overheard from Dan that Jenny, after losing it and moving to Hudson, had decided to go to school in San Francisco and that this move, though strange, was oddly working out for her. And Chuck being one to never keep a secret may have accidentally let it slip to Nate one afternoon that little Jenny Humphrey had gotten bit by the hippie bug and had decided to take her schooling out to the peace&love capital of the world. Chuck, also being one to always start trouble, might have also let it slip that she was meeting tons of hippie's of the opposite sex (whether this was true or not, it was uncertain).
For Nate, Chuck mentioning sex and Jenny in the same sentence was a travesty. Though Archibald never let on, he was furious when he found out that Jenny had lost her virginity to Chuck. Though it may have been delusional, Nate had always harbored very secret hopes that when she did want to take that step that she would be begging him to be the one. Maybe the secret wasn't so secret; he did do all he could to stop Jenny and Damien from getting anywhere near a hotel room and even though he failed to find them he still thought that his words were what made Jenny wait (unfortunately to only lose her innocence to the human personification of the devil). But by the time he found out, all Nate could do was grit his teeth and squeeze his fists (he may have taken up kickboxing to relieve the anger and just didn't tell anyone). But despite his absolute disgust of Chuck's sex and Jenny mention, this was not the deciding factor in Nate's impromptu summer vacation plans before his senior year of college. No, his plans stemmed from wanting to see the country – and he would keep up this lie for almost the entire trip.
So shortly after Chuck "accidentally" let it slip, Nate packed a bag and booked a last minute ticket, not even caring that he had to fly economy, and was getting ready to leave New York the next day for a weeklong journey in San Francisco. The night before he left he received numerous pieces of advice (all unasked for).
Blair, still dressed to perfection and still believing that popularity was THE main goal in life scrunched her nose and told him, "It's not too late to change your flight for a place more exotic." When her 'advice' was met with nothing but a glance she smoothed out her face and smiled, "Just kidding. Be nice and don't blame anyone for the past, it gets you nowhere, even if a lot of it was your fault." Because Blair, even though extremely tough on the outside, was a softy on the inside and only wanted what would make her friend happy.
Nate continued fiddling with his shirt, "Thanks, but I'm not going to see anyone where the past will be relevant." The lie was unconvincing to Blair but she allowed her friend to live in his delusions for a while longer.
Serena, who was less of a softy on the inside but more of a softy on the outside gave Nate the impression of happiness but was still inwardly troubled by how she and Jenny last left it; you know, with Jenny desperately trying to steal Nate from her for a year. Despite this, she still felt somewhat warmly to the girl, but she couldn't bring herself to give anything earth shattering so just left him with a, "have a really good time, Nate," before sauntering off that night to find her next conquest. Nate appreciated this piece of advice because it let him believe his ever-growing lie about really wanting to see how the West Coast lived.
Not being one to beat around the bush, Chuck simply smirked, offered Nate a drink and smoothly rattled, "Don't fuck up, this might be your last chance." When his best friend offered him nothing but a glare Chuck sat his ass down, content on just sitting with his friends, and enemies (ahem Dan), in hopes of catching some entertainment that would be sure to happen within the next few days. He plopped his magnificently dressed bottom next to Blair and threw his arm over her, glaring across the room at Dan Humphrey, begging for him to react.
Inwardly Dan was reacting, he had just gotten used to the fact that he was in love with Blair Waldorf and he didn't need to get into a testosterone-fueled fight with the legendary Chuck Bass even though Dan was 100 percent positive he would win any physical fight. With so much else on his mind, and only showing up at this last minute gathering because he was pining after Blair and still somewhat friends with Nate, he simply said, "Stay away from my sister. We all know what happened last time." And he meant it but didn't. Because he didn't want Nate near his sister because that was his sister and he couldn't stand to see his friend and his sister do anything like that. But he didn't mean it because Nate was his friend and Jenny was his sister and he wanted them to be happy. And while Dan sat on the fancy armchair and placed his head in his hands Nate understood all of this because it was complicated and it was hard and he was sure if he were in Dan's place he'd feel just as conflicted.
But it didn't matter because, "Nothing like that is gonna happen Dan, I'm not going there to see her," Nate proclaimed, but it sounded more like a practiced speech than the truth. And that's when Nate realized he was up for a long night with barely any sleep.
At 8:00am Nate was comfortably yet stylishly dressed waiting on the plane in a very, very cramped seat. It was actually sort of humorous when Nate really thought about it and he released a deep chuckle and muttered, "the first time being 6ft has worked against me." He was lucky enough to get the window seat so he wasn't cramped between two strangers, and to effectively stop anyone random from trying to start a conversation with him he slammed his headphones in to the airplane's seat radio and hoped to doze off for the 5-hour flight.
The first three hours went fine enough, with some shifting and moving in the small seat he was boxed into, Nate was able to find a comfortable position where he dozed in and out of sleep – still with his headphones on to help him drown out the plane noise. During this period Nate briefly thought about how lucky girls were that they could wear leggings on planes because his blue jeans were seriously scratching and scuffing his legs. Between inane thoughts about women's fashion, Nate did a fine job keeping the J word out of his mind.
It was hour four that it all fell apart because at that exact hour the airline radio decided to switch from modern rock to more classic rock and played How Soon Is Now by the Smiths. This did nothing but remind him of that one night he saw Jenny dancing around in her lacey bra and had the apartment she was at not been creepy it would have been such a sight. This directly reminded him of the scorching kiss they shared just moments after that started this whole downward spiral of Nate messing up and Jenny messing up and both of them blaming each other for stupid things, ruining any relationship they might have had and even some of their friendship. And if Nate could have done it all over again, he thought of specific instances where he would have changed his reactions, but most notably at the ball when he laid into her and was overly harsh. If anything, that night alone destroyed everything and he never really apologized for it.
But he brushed off this trip down memory lane because as he's said multiple times, this trip is not about Jenny and it never was. It was simply about traveling and experiencing news things. Right.
Landing and reaching his hotel room was all a blur. He was really tired from the lack of sleep he got on the flight after the fourth hour and was seriously drained from the night before of him tossing and turning in his bed. He surprisingly expertly hailed a cab outside the airport and rushed off to his hotel as fast as possible to unpack and rest. But once at the hotel he again found himself restless and decided to start his journey at that moment, leaving behind his hotel to see the surroundings of San Francisco.
In all honesty, he found most of the surroundings to be boring or just normal. Where were the hippies? Where was the peace and love? From what Nate could see, it was pretty much like Manhattan except with a different layout. Despite this, Nate spent the next two days searching around the city, for what he wasn't sure (or so he claimed), but he never found it.
By the third day, Nate was ready to finally admit to himself that he had not found what he was looking for because he refused to admit to himself that he was looking for someone specific. At this moment Nate realized that he couldn't hide from himself or his friends anymore and even though he was a little pissed that Divine Intervention didn't step in and bring him and the girl he was seeking together he still decided to keep looking, but this time with help. Throwing away any pride he had, he grabbed his new iPhone and dialed the only person he knew who would tell him anything. After two rings the receiver picked up.
"I knew you'd call," came a rough voice.
"Chuck, let's skip the parts where you tell me you told me so or make jokes at my expense. Where is she staying?" From the tone of Nate's voice, Chuck knew that he meant business and he also knew that Nate sounded like he was on the verge of a panic attack.
"Calm down," Chuck reassured, "you'll do fine." And though they were 3,000 miles away, Chuck once again proved himself as a loyal and trusting friend by 'accidentally' telling Nate the exact location of Jenny Humphrey's apartment (Chuck also received pleasure from knowing that Dan would be absolutely pissed that Nate didn't have to work hard to find this address).
Nate smiled, but in a nervous sort of way. He finally could find the elusive Jenny, who he hadn't really seen for a very long time, who was supposedly in Hudson, and then apparently in London and now more recently in San Francisco. And in spite of Jenny's scheming, and moving, and leaving, and apparently forgetting about him, he always, deep down, had thought of her and waited for the moment she would continue to chase him.
It never happened. He supposed now it was his turn to do the chasing. So without much thought about what he was wearing – the same plaid shirt he'd been wearing for two days – or what he was going to say – he actually had no idea – he grabbed his hotel keys, his wallet, his phone, and broke into a power walk to find the apartment. His power walk turned into a run, which turned into a walk when he realized he had no idea where he was going and needed to map it out on his phone. Once mapped, he realized that he was going completely in the opposite way, which would have been funny if it weren't seriously frustrating. He had been lucky, though as his hotel was booked very closely to where Jenny was (which was, for once, honestly all a coincidence). After regaining his confidence after the blow of looking like an idiot running all over the city, Nate turned the other way and walked, with his head held high, to Jenny's apartment.
He will admit, though he wished he didn't think it, that he did idly wonder how Jenny was paying for her own apartment. Once there however, he seemed to understand. After banging on the upstairs door like a caveman for about five minutes someone finally answered the door and this someone was not Jenny, in fact this someone looked more like a Jack. And this "Jack" was the epitome of what Nate thought of when he heard the word hippie. No shoes, no shirt, and long hair with and a gruff beard. Behind the offensive man was an army of people, maybe two girls and another male, fluttering about the smaller apartment dancing to some weird song that Nate couldn't even figure out if he tried.
Nate stood tall against the hippie's bent posture. And with a clear of his throat he asked, "Do you know where Jenny is?" He imagines\d that his question came out rough and manly, but in reality his voice cracked with insecurity. Who was this guy? How old was this guy?
"Oh yeah man, she's not here. She's at campus." The other man said it simply, like it was no big deal, like people came looking for Jenny daily. "Who are you?" He questioned with a lift of his eyebrow.
And if Nate really thought about it, he'd admit that the question hurt, because it meant that Jenny spoke nothing of him, didn't describe him in detail, and no longer pined over his very existence. It's not like he wanted her to be miserable without him, but when he thought about how infatuated she was with him... it made him feel special and it made his own feelings, though secret, seem reasonable. "I'm Nate," he said simply with a shrug of his shoulders, "who are you?"
The man inwardly laughed at Nate's protective stance; although the guy tried to remain cool he could see that this Nate character was on a mission and at least angry to see that another man lived with Jenny. "I'm Paul," he smiled, "Jenny's roommate." There was an awkward silence and Paul decided to stop torturing him. "Well, one of them at least. See the circus behind me? We all share this place – cheaper rent. Jenny rooms with the girls." Paul flicked his hair and scratched his beard, "Should I let her know you came by when she gets back?"
"No," Nate spoke softly. Although them all being roommates did make him feel slightly better, it was still a bit shocking and even annoying that she was living with other males. "Can you just tell me where campus is?" Because he wasn't going to give up. He wasn't Nate from high school and he no longer runs away from things that scare him.
"Oh yeah," Paul smiled, "turn around." And since he decided to be friendly because this guy was clearly not from San Francisco, he gently put his hands on Nate's shoulders and turned him around. "Right there. She's at the Lone Mountain Campus just hanging on the fields; people like to chill there during the summer. It's straight ahead," Paul winked and started walking back in the door.
"Thanks, man," Nate ended before slowly starting to cross the street. He was so close, and he could feel it. His whole body felt like he was being sucked under water and his hands started sweating and shaking. It was almost ridiculous but at the same time this was Jenny Humphrey and she always had some kind of power over him.
The campus was a bit more confusing than Nate thought it would be since there were multiple fields and he wasn't quite sure which one Jenny was hanging around. So Nate wandered the Lone Mountain Campus, hoping to get some glimpse of at least someone who resembled Jenny.
And somewhere around Loyola House or something equally as boring Nate saw a group of people sitting, talking, and dancing. And everyone was probably really cool in their own way but all he could see was a flash of that long blonde hair he once remembered. And she looked exactly the same but so different. Her dark make up was gone, but her long hair was there and she was twirling and twirling and looking more ethereal than she ever did. She switched dark clothes for a white flowing dress and a frown for a headband full of flowers.
If you're going to San Francisco,
be sure to wear flowers in your hair.
And she looked so happy, happier than he had last seen her, happier like she was just Jenny Humphrey the girl who wanted to make clothes and he was just Nate Archibald the guy crashing on her couch. His heart started palpitating because she was just stunning, just more beautiful than he remembered and he started to wonder if this was a bad idea. She hadn't seen him yet and she seemed so free and he wondered if him showing up would take away her happiness. But before he could turn back into the Archibald of old and run far, far away, Jenny twirled and spotted him quickly. At first he didn't even think she recognized him but she must have, as her face scrunched a little – not in a bad way, but in a confused way. She picked up her discarded sandals and was heading toward him, almost skipping, like she was lighter and had the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders, unlike the chunk of metal she used to lift while still in New York.
She opened her mouthed and breathed in a surprised gasp, "Nate?" Her eyes were piercing and he wasn't sure if he should run and hide or grab her and beg for forgiveness. "Nate?" She repeated again, "is that really you?"
If you're going to San Francisco,
you're gonna meet some gentle people there.
And he was seriously stunned silent because he felt like her beauty had overpowered him, he stood silently watching her as if he was watching an angel herself coming from the heavens to speak to him. He swallowed hard, his adam's apple bobbing. He suddenly felt very self-conscious. "Jenny," he breathed. It was a statement, it was him saying in one breath, I've found you, I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.
She gracefully flipped her hair behind her shoulder and tried to suppress a smile, "What are you doing here?" And what she really means is, why are you here? Why did you abandon me? Why did you hurt me?
Nate scratched his stubble and played with his now grown out hair – if anything he looks like a junior in high school again trying to come up with words to say. And at this point, he finally admitted to himself that there was no other reason to come out to San Francisco other than to see Jenny. He didn't care how the west coast lived, he didn't care that he hadn't traveled the United States in full and he really, really didn't care that he had never been to San Francisco; but he did care that the one girl who ever really got him, who he abandoned, was here. "For you." He stated it simply, and tried to look anywhere other than Jenny's face, afraid that she would finally reject him in retaliation of all the times he rejected her. He watched as bubbles were taken by the wind and floated all around them, because if Nate could really see the scene they were at he'd be relieved. He was never that Upper East Side guy, he always wanted more. And more was where he was, standing face to face with the love of his life being surrounded by bubbles, and 60s music and dancing. And not one of the people there cared that his name was Nate Archibald, not even Jenny.
Jenny could admit to herself that San Francisco saved her. New York was turning her dark and San Francisco brought out the light in her, as if she was still a freshman just learning what a Queen B of the school was. But she could also admit, even though Nate never could, that she was hopelessly in love with Nate Archibald. She was stronger than him, and wasn't afraid of the feeling or the truth. Whereas Nate, although older, was always more frightened. Everything he ever loved fell apart, and for him it was easier to ignore Jenny than to be with her. But at this moment, Jenny, with her flower-braided headband, could admit that she still loved Nate and still wanted him, but she had fought for a while and it was his turn now. "Why?"
And Nate wasn't going to say this was easy. Because it wasn't. And everything that surrounded him and Jenny was never easy. He sighed, "Because." But he knew she had heard that before, and it wasn't enough to make this older and wiser Jenny Humphrey jump into his arms so he continued, "I don't want to rehash the past, because I don't want to go over your mistakes and my mistakes – mostly my mistakes, but I will. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I gave up on us. I'm sorry I was more concerned about what Dan and Vanessa would think than your feelings. I'm sorry that I never gave you a chance to explain the ball and I'm especially sorry for acting like I was happy the letter never reached you. It wasn't true. I was hurt because I thought you ignored the letter, I was surprised because I put you on a pedestal and didn't think you could make mistakes." He took a large breath and rubbed his face, "You are the girl I thought you were, you always have been. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when New York started turning on you. I'm sorry I never told Blair to back off, I'm sorry I got back together with Vanessa shortly after ending things with you, and most importantly, I'm sorry I hurt you." he paused, "Listen, I've made a lot of mistakes, more than I can even apologize for, but I'm sorry it all happened this way because when you left.. I didn't want to admit it then but when you left I lost it, when I heard you slept with Chuck a piece of me died, and I can't leave here today without telling you that I missed you and that I do miss you and I loved you and I still love you." Nate hung his head, because he was sure that his proclamation was about to be stomped on by a barefoot 20-year-old girl.
They stood for a minute, neither saying anything and neither making a move. Jenny grabbed the bottom part of her dress and began to swing it, watching how the bottom grazed the top of the grass. She tilted her eyes and looked at him, but really looked at him. He was nervous, she could see it, he was tired, she could feel it, but most importantly, he was honest, because she could sense it. "I'm sorry for the mess I caused before I left... We'd have a lot to talk about, you know." She smirked toward the ground, because even if it was a lot of work, she was willing to put in the work.
"It's always hard with us," Nate whispered to her. "But I really don't care." And he realized he needed to make the first move, because for years Jenny had been putting herself out there only to be rejected time and time again. With him, with Blair, with her family. No one ever really tried with her, she was always the one trying and he knew now that the fact that people seemed to drop her so easily is what probably turned her dark. So without much thought, Nate took two big steps forward, put one arm around her waist while the other spiraled around her head and grabbed her head, pushing her toward him and grabbing her lips with his.
For those who come to San Francisco, summertime will be a love-in there.