Let's Make a Deal Harry Potter Style

by Mikee

This is totally Alternate Universe. What might the 'Let's Make a Deal' TV game show be like if Harry Potter were the host, and the show aired after the fall of Voldemort? It's a little bit of humor ... sort of.

Let's Make a Deal – Harry Potter Style

By: Mikee

October 29, 2009

Disclaimer: This is totally alternate universe. The characters were borrowed. They were created by JK Rowling. The plot for this story, however is all mine; wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. It's a totally silly little thing, but … as I said, it wouldn't leave me alone.

Genre: Parody

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Wizarding World's premier showing of the new and improved Wizarding Wireless Network; we are pleased to present, for the first time ever … pictures to go with the audio. This is the Wizarding World's answer to what Muggles call television, also known as the telly.

"Today, we present a show that originally premiered in Muggle America on their telly, which they call Tivi. It originally premiered 1963 and was hosted by a Muggle named Monty Hall. We present the new … 'Let's Make a Deal.' I'm your announcer, Lee Jordan, and coming down the stairs is the star of the show, Harrrrrrry Pooooooootter."

"Welcome, everyone, to the first show of the revived 'Let's Make a Deal.' It's been years in the making, and we're glad to be able to revive it for your viewing pleasure."

"That's right, Harry, we're glad to be able to bring it back. You viewers at home are probably wondering about the people in the audience who are all dressed so oddly. They're all hoping to be picked to … make a deal. So without further ado, on with the show."

Harry walked down a few stairs and began the show, "Okay, I need two contests for the first deal of our return … you in the black cloak with the white mask and … you with the carrot hat, and … is that a pigmy puff? Yes, it is a pigmy puff. And your names are …?"

"Lucius Malfoy; I'm only here because I was told I could win a lot of money."

Harry nodded, "Yes; that is a possibility. And you Carrot Hat, what's your name?"

Almost vibrating in place, the redhead with a carrot hat answered, "Fred Weasley. I can't believe you picked me! I'm so excited."

Harry smiled. "Yes, well … Mr. Malfoy, I have here an envelope with a galleon Spellotaped to the front. You can take that and hope there's a bank draft for more galleons, or you can take the curtain on the stage that Luna is indicating. All I can tell you about what's behind the curtain is that it's worth more than a galleon."

The Malfoy patriarch looked between the galleon in the host's hand and the curtain on the stage and back. He did that several times before finally choosing the curtain.

"We'll get back to that curtain, Mr. Malfoy, but first … Mr. Weasley, I have here, an envelope that appears to be just like the one I offered Mr. Malfoy … in fact it is the one I offered him; the one he turned down. Now, you can take the envelope and we'll be finished, or you can trade it for the box on the stage that the lovely Angela is standing beside. Just like with Mr. Malfoy, all I can tell you about the box is that it's worth more than a galleon. What will your choice be?"

The redhead didn't even look twice before he answered as he bounced in place, "I'll take the envelope."

"We'll start with you, Mr. Malfoy. Behind the curtain you chose is … a mansion. Just jog on down to the stage and Luna will show you to the mansion."

Lee broke in, "That's right, Mr. Malfoy, and ladies and gentlemen, a mansion. This is a state-of-the-art, newly updated, fully equipped building, built by the hardest working goblins around and outfitted by the Ministry of Magic."

Turning to the redhead, Harry continued, "Now you … Mr. Weasley. The envelope you chose to keep …" Harry looked in it and said, "I see a bank draft, and it is for more than a galleon; in fact, it's for more than one hundred galleons. Now … you can still keep the envelope, or you can take the box that Lee Jordan is bringing down the stairs."

"Merlin, Harry; you're making this hard." The redhead quipped.

The box that Lee was bringing down was only about as big as a quaffle, but it looked heavy. Fred looked at the box and back to Harry, "I'm …" he stopped and scratched his head, then looked at the audience, apparently looking for someone. He nodded to a young man in the audience who looked just like him; then he turned back to look at Harry and told him, "I'm gonna keep the envelope."

Harry handed the envelope to the redhead as he withdrew the paper from inside. Then he held up the paper for all to see and announced, "Fred Weasley … you've won a bank draft for ten-thousand galleons. Congratulations."

Suddenly, there was another redhead on the stairs beside Fred, and the two were holding each other and jumping up and down yelling, "We won … we won!"

Harry laughed and then turned to the audience, "Okay, folks. That's how the game is played. So … who's next?" He walked up a few steps and stopped, "How about you … yes, you in the black cloak and white mask. Do you want to play 'Let's Make a Deal'?"

The person sat where he was for several seconds and then nodded. Finally, he stepped from the row in which he was sitting and stood beside the host. Harry went down another step and asked, "And you … yes you, with the bushy beard and black hair. What are your names?"

The man in the black cloak answered first, "I'm Walden McNair." Then the man with the black beard answered as he pointed to himself with his thumb, "Aw, Harry, ye know me; I'm Hagrid."

The host smiled, "Yes, Hagrid, I know you, but this is how the game's played. Now …" he turned to McNair, "Mr. McNair … in my hand is a small box, you can choose the box in my hand, or what's behind curtain number two."

The cloaked man looked at the box and then at the curtain. One could almost hear his thoughts about how Malfoy had won a mansion by choosing a curtain, so he chose curtain number two.

"Very well, Mr. McNair, we'll see what's behind curtain number two in a minute, but first … Mr. Hagrid, you may have the box that Mr. McNair turned down … or you may have what's behind curtain number one."

The exceedingly tall man looked at the box in Harry's hand and then at curtain number one; then he turned to Harry, "Gosh, Harry, I don't know. I trust you; ya know … what do you think I should take?"

Harry smiled at his first magical friend – though the audience didn't know the history behind the two – and answered, "Mr. Hagrid, I can't tell you which would be better for you; it wouldn't be fair."

Hagrid nodded and thought about how he'd always been taught that good things come in small packages. Finally, he gave Harry his answer, "I'll take me chances with the box in yer hand, Lad."

Harry nodded and handed him the box, "That's fine, Mr. Hagrid, but you have to wait a few minutes before you open it.

Hagrid stroked the small box as if it were the Monster Book of Monsters, and smiled gently at Harry as he nodded.

Turning to Mr. McNair, Harry told him, "Now, Sir, you picked curtain number two. Let's see part of what's behind curtain number two. Angela, please pull back the right side of the curtain."

There, McNair and the audience could see an axe and armor made of chain mail.

Harry continued, "You may take what you see, and whatever is behind it, or you may take what's behind curtain number three."

It didn't take McNair long to decide. Everyone was pretty sure he'd pick curtain number two, especially given how his face lit up when he saw the shiny armor and the gleaming axe, "I'm gonna have-ta take curtain two."

Harry nodded knowingly, "Alright, Mr. McNair, feel free to go on down and examine your prizes."

As soon as the cloaked man got to the stage and within feet of the axe, the curtain closed behind him.

Harry turned to the really, really tall, bearded contestant, "Now, Mr. Hagrid … you chose the box in my hand, is that right?"

Hagrid nodded as he smiled, "Ye know it is, Harry."

Harry chuckled. "Right … now, I'm going to give you another chance … you may still keep that box, or you can trade it for curtain number three. You already turned down curtain number one. Let's see what's behind part of curtain number three …"

Luna walked to curtain number three and pulled aside the left-hand curtain. There, everyone saw a stack of books. Looking at Hagrid, it seemed as if he was almost relieved that he'd decided to keep the small box. He really wasn't much for reading.

Harry turned to the tall man, "Well, Mr. Hagrid … the box in your hand, or curtain number three … your choice is?"

"Well, Harry … I'm gonna keep me box." He answered as he clutched the small box to his chest.

Regardless of what ended up being in the box, Hagrid already treasured it; after all, Harry had given it to him. If it were anyone else, it would almost be sad that the man didn't quite grasp how a game show worked, but since he was so happy with his little box, what he understood about it was almost beside the point.

Harry nodded, "Very well, Mr. Hagrid, you may open the box."

Hagrid did and promptly broke into tears. Inside the box was an egg. Harry turned to Lee, "Mr. Jordan, please tell everyone what Mr. Hagrid has won."

"Weeelll, sitting in the box in Mr. Hagrid's hand is a one-of-a-kind red and gold … phoenix egg! That's right, folks, a genuine, born-of-fire phoenix egg. It should be hatching any day now."

Between honking blows of his nose, Hagrid choked out a plethora of 'thank you,' and 'I can't believe I have me own phoenix,' and 'blimey, I'm gonna have me own phoenix.'

Harry patted the tall man on the elbow and suggested he head back to his seat and keep the egg warm.

Lee spoke again, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

"Gilderoy Lockhart here, witches … are you tired of constantly having to dust, are you fed up with always having to wash up after your loved ones, do you despair about having to constantly sweep up the carelessly tacked in dirt?

"Here, for the first time ever, we're offering you the newest spells available for efficient housekeeping and family care. Concise spells with minimal wand-waving; these spells are designed to last a week at a time.

"Just imagine it … cast a spell once on the floor, and it will remain crumb- and dirt-free for a week at a time. Just think of all the time you'll save. Imagine, finishing dinner, and by the time you're done, your dishes are already washed and dried. No more fighting between the children about whose night it is to clean up.

"Available at Flourish and Blotts now for only two galleons; yes, that may seem like a lot, but look at all the handy spells you'll receive … spells that you'll pass down to your children, who'll in turn, pass them to their children.

"For just two galleons, you'll receive the newest book written by Ottery St. Catchpole's own Molly Prewitt, who, after years of hard-earned experience, has finally put quill to parchment and recorded for posterity the spells that have kept her home going.

"Now, we'll let you return to our regularly scheduled program."

"Welcome back and hello, again, ladies and gentlemen. Again, I'm Lee Jordan and we're back with … 'Let's Make a Deal.' That book is fantastic. I got my copy last week, and can tell you from experience that my flat has never looked so clean. Now, back to Harry, who is just itching to make another deal; Harry, what do you have for us this time?"

"Okay," Harry said smiling widely, "That is some book. I got my copy a couple of days ago, and can't help but wonder how I got along so long without the spells in it.

"I've gone rather afield here, shall we continue with our game? Who will be next? How about you … yes, you in the … unique black cloak with white mask, would you like to make a deal?"

Harry paused and chuckled for a couple of seconds. After regaining his composure, he continued, "What is it with today's contestants … so many with black cloaks and white masks … oh well … you, yes, with the brown hair, black cloak and white mask."

A rather thick-set man in a black cloak and white mask made his way to Harry.

Still smiling, Harry asked, "Your name, Sir?"

"Uh … I'm … well, folks just call me Crabbe"

"Riiight …" Harry smiled, "Well, Mr. Crabbe … let's make a deal, shall we?"

The man nodded dumbly.

Turning to check out the audience to the other side of him, Harry continued on, "Okay, now, before we continue, we need a second contestant … who will it be?" He walked up a few steps and looked around. Finally, he pointed to an odd woman with thick glasses and a slew of shawls, "You, Ma'am, would you care to make a deal?"

The woman stood and as she walked down the few steps to where the host stood, she answered, "My inner eye told me you'd call on me. Yes, I'll make a deal."

"Good, good," Harry answered as he clapped his hands together once. "Lee, if you would be so kind … please bring the two boxes our new contestants are playing for."

Lee Jordan carefully made his way down the long staircase. He was holding a smallish folding table, what Muggles, Muggleborns, or Muggle-raised folks would know as a TV tray with legs. On the tray were two boxes that were just about the right size to hold a bludger each. He set the tray in front of himself, which was – by design – beside Harry.

"Now, your name is …" Harry asked looking at the newest contestant.

The woman answered in a breathy voice that sounded, to many somewhat other-worldly, but to many who were familiar with the Muggle world, as if she had severe asthma, "Sybill Trelawney."

"Okay, Ms. Trelawney, you may pick a box; whichever box you don't pick, Mr. Crabbe may take … or he may choose the box to which Angela is pointing."

"Well, Harry … May I call you Harry?"

Harry nodded.

"Well, Harry … My inner eye has told me to pick the box closest to Mr. Jordan."

"Very well, Ms. Trelawney, you'll have to wait a few minutes to see what's in the box. First, we need to see what Mr. Crabbe chooses." Harry turned to the man beside him, "What will it be, Sir; do you want the remaining box on the tray, or would you prefer the box on the stage?"

"Uh, can you repeat the question?"

Harry had to refrain from rolling his eyes, but he managed it as he repeated the question. "Mr. Crabbe, you may have either … the box on the tray, or the box on the stage. Which one would you like?"

"Uh, oh … right. I'll uh, take the girl on the stage."

"No, Mr. Crabbe, you need to pick a box …"

"What box? I thought you said I could pick me a broad?"

Harry shook his head. "Box, Mr. Crabbe, box; you need to pick a box. You can have either the box right here." Harry tapped the box that Trelawney didn't pick on the tray beside him. "Or, you may have the box on the stage …"

"Right; I got it. I wanna have d' box on d' stage; it's bigger."

"That's fine. Now, Ms. Trelawney … Ms. Trelawney … there we go; are you with us now?"

"Yes, Harry. I was just … communing with my inner eye." And there was that odd voice again.

Harry smiled, "Oookay … shall we see what's in your box, or would you like to trade it for one hundred galleons?"

"The box, please, Harry." She answered, though her voice was a little less breathy.

Harry held up a pouch and jiggled it; it jangled with what sounded like money. He offered another deal, "How about two hundred and fifty galleons, Ms. Trelawney?"

"No, Harry; I'll take the box." This time her voice was almost sharp, having entirely lost its breathy quality.

Harry smiled, "Very well, open your box."

Trelawney opened the box, and smiled. "I knew I'd get a new crystal ball, but it seemed rather blurry to my inner eye. Now I understand why that was."

Harry grinned, "Yes indeed, a new crystal ball, and a gift certificate for a new crystal ball each year for the rest of your life."

Lee Jordan broke in, "Yes, indeed, depending on how long you live, and we do expect it to be for a very long time … that could be worth several thousand galleons. The crystal ball you hold now is a top-of-the-line crystal ball from The Far-Sighted View and retails for five hundred and twelve galleons."

Trelawney looked as if her fondest wish had come true.

Turning to Crabbe, Harry spoke, "Now for you, Mr. Crabbe. You chose the box on the stage … I'm going to give you the chance to trade that box for what's behind curtain number one.

"But I already got me curtains in me house; what'd I need more for?"

Harry suppressed a sigh as he responded, "No, Sir, we're not offering to give you the curtain, we're offering to trade the box on the stage for what … ever … is … behind … curtain … number … one. You can keep the box … or … take what is behind … the curtain."

"Oh … uh, I'm gonna have-ta take what's in the curtain; it's bigger 'n the box, right?"

"Well, I can't tell you if your choice is right, but I can tell you that the curtain itself is bigger than the box; that's not to say what's behind it is bigger, though. Do you still what what's behind curtain number one?"

Crabbe nodded, "Yeah, I wanna see what I got."

"Okay then; Lee, please tell Mr. Crabbe what he's won."

"Right-o, Harry, Mr. Crabbe … you have won an all-expense paid vacation to an island. We'll pay all travel expenses and room and board for as long as you stay there."

Harry gave the cloaked contestant a sharp pat on the back, "There you go, Sir, an all-expense paid vacation … why don't you trot on down there and see to the details?"

As soon as Crabbe stepped one step beyond the curtain, the curtain closed behind him and there was the faint sound of a pop.

"Harry, do you know what time it is?" Lee's voice boomed throughout the large studio.

"Indeed, I do, Lee; it's time for the … big deal of the day. Let's check with our winners, shall we? But first, Lee, please tell us a little about today's big deal."

"That's right, Harry, the big deal of the day. Today's big deal is worth … are you ready for this?"

The audience responded, "Yes."

Lee laughed, "Do you want to know how much it's worth?"

The audience yelled, "Yes!"

Lee smiled widely, "Today's big deal is worth … twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons."

The audience stomped their feet, yelled, and clapped in approval.

Harry walked up the stairs, "Let's go in reverse order, shall we?"

The audience clapped and yelled some more.

"Okay, the third winning contestant was … Ms. Sybill Trelawney. Ms. Trelawney, you won the crystal ball and a new crystal ball each year for the rest of your life. Do you want to keep the prize, or do you want to risk it all for a chance to win twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons?"

Sybill Trelawney stood up, "Oh, no Harry, my inner eye showed me the crystal ball; I'll keep my prize. Thank you anyway." Harry cringed inwardly; that weird, breathy voice was back in full force.

"Very well, Ms. Trelawney, thank you for playing. Our second winning contestant was Mr. Hagrid."

Hagrid stood up. "Didja need summat, Harry?"

It was pretty obvious to the audience that Hagrid hadn't been paying close attention to what was going on around him, so enamored he was with his prize.

Harry smiled, "Yes, Mr. Hagrid. I want to offer you the chance to make another deal. You may keep your phoenix egg, or trade it for a chance to win twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons. What will it be, Mr. Hagrid."

Hagrid looked absolutely gobsmacked, "Give up me egg? You've gotta be kiddin' … I couldn't give up me egg. Nah, Harry, I'm gonna keep … Phoebe."

Harry's eyebrows rose, "Phoebe?"

Hagrid smiled a gentle, watery smile, "Yeah … Phoebe … I just know it's gonna be a girl phoenix. An' 'sides, even phoenixes need names; don't cha think so, Harry?"

"Okay, Mr. Hagrid, thank you for playing 'Let's Make a Deal;' I'm glad you're so happy with your prize, and I look forward to meeting … Phoebe, once she's hatched."

Hagrid turned back and headed toward his seat. As he walked, the audience could hear him say, "Right cha are, Harry."

Harry walked back up a couple of steps. As he went, he said, "Now, we'll return to our first winning contestant, our first contestant was the gentleman in the carrot hat … Mr. Weasley … There you are. You won the bank draft worth ten thousand galleons. Do you want to keep the bank draft worth ten thousand galleons, or do you want to risk it for a chance to win twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons?"

Fred looked back to his look-a-like and hollered, "Whaddaya think, George … do I risk it, or do I keep what we've got?"

George didn't answer. He was sitting in his seat trying not to hyperventilate.

Fred, looking lost, turned back to face Harry, "Uh … I dunno, Harry …"

Harry turned to look at his announcer, "Lee, can you tell us anything about the deal?"

"Not really, Harry … the big deal of the day is worth twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons. The other two prizes are not bad, but I can't tell more about them."

Harry turned back to face Fred, "Well, Mr. Weasley … what's it going to be? Will you risk ten thousand galleons, or will you take your winnings and run?"

The redhead closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and finally answered, "I'm … gonna play."

He held out the bank draft. Harry took the end closest to himself, but Fred's fingers didn't let go. Harry smiled, "Um … Fred … if you want to play, you'll have to let go of the draft."

Fred nodded, "Yeah, I know … I'm trying to." Fred took his other hand and pried his own fingers from the draft so that Harry could take it from him.

As Harry put the bank draft in his pocket, he continued the game, "Fred, you've chosen to risk ten thousand galleons for the chance to win twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons … that prize is behind either curtain number one, curtain number two, or curtain number three. Take your time; we have at least ten seconds …"

The audience laughed, but Fred paled so much that his freckles looked like very dark dots on parchment.

While Fred thought, the audience was going wild, yelling and clapping, and shouting which curtain they thought he should take. There was one voice that boomed above the others. It sounded a little like Crabbe's voice, but was a little higher, telling Fred, "Hey, boy-o, take box numbah four."

That voice seemed to finally break the boy from his stupor. Fred seemed to revive himself and with a very shaky voice, announced, "Since I'm a twin, I'm gonna take curtain number … two." As soon as he managed to say 'two,' he snapped his eyes shut as tightly as he could.

The audience stilled as Harry began to talk, "Very well, Fred, you've chosen curtain number two. Let's see what's behind … curtain … number … one."

Luna pulled aside the curtains as Lee announced, "Well, Harry and Fred, behind curtain number one we have … eighteen … rubber chickens. That's a zonk! Well done, Fred, you avoided the prank prize."

The audience was applauding even louder now.

Though Fred didn't open his eyes, he did exhale rather noisily, and then drew in another breath, which he held.

Harry patted Fred on the shoulder. "Okay, let's see what's behind curtain … number … are you ready, Fred?"

Fred nodded wordlessly.

"Three," Harry yelled.

Angela pulled aside curtain number three as Harry announced, "Behind curtain number three we had a very nice prize … very nice, indeed. Lee, please tell us what Fred passed up behind curtain number three."

"Right you are, Harry; it was a very nice prize … Mr. Weasley … you passed up … behind curtain number three, a bank draft for …"

The audience gasped.

Lee chuckled, "A bank draft for … five thousand galleons … and a half kilo of … Boomslang skin … and a case of Butterbeer. In all, that curtain was worth, seven thousand, four hundred and eleven galleons."

Fred was clearly hyperventilating, just as his identical twin was, as Harry announced, "Well, Fred, I'm sure you've guessed by now that you have won … the big deal of the day worth twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons! Lee, tell us about Fred's prize."

"Fred Weasley … you've won the services of a building-expansion team to expand any building currently owned by either yourself, or any member of your family. The expansion team will add up to one thousand square feet to the building of your choice. The value of this expansion, which will be done by an expansion team of goblins hired from Gringotts own force, is … twenty thousand galleons.

"In addition to the expansion, you've won a gift certificate worth five thousand galleons for The Potion Master's Apothecary in Brighton. Not only have you won that, but you've also won a bank draft for three thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons. That brings your total winnings to a grand total of … say it with me, folks …"

Lee Jordan and the audience all yelled, "twenty-eight thousand, seven hundred and ninety-one galleons!"

By this time, Fred looked not unlike a zombie; he was pale and moving quite stiff-legged, though in spite of that, he looked as if he'd fall over if anyone so much as breathed on him. Lee guided him to his seat beside his twin, George.

As Lee and Fred were making their way to George, Harry was milling around the audience, his Sonorus charm was just loud enough for everyone to hear him making minor deals, "You, Sir, in the hippogriff costume … if you can show me a picture of a flobberworm, I'll give you fifty galleons."

A man with a head like an eagle stood up, and fished around in his many pockets. Finally, he withdrew a book, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. He turned to about a third of the way through the book and handed it to Harry.

"Well, it is a picture of a flobberworm. I didn't say it had to be a photograph. Here, Sir, are your fifty galleons. Thank you.

Harry walked a little further and stopped by a witch in a blue pinafore. "You, Miss, I don't recognize your costume."

The young lady responded, "I'm Dorothy Gale from the story of 'The Wizard of Oz'."

Harry smiled, "I've heard of that. Okay … Dorothy, if you can show me a hat pin, I'll give you fifty galleons."

As Dorothy was rummaging around in her bag, Lee was making his way to the stage. Just as he got there, 'Dorothy' pulled her wand out, and transfigured a handkerchief into a hat pin.

Harry laughed, "Well, I didn't say it couldn't be transfigured. Dean, make a note to amend the rules of the game. This time, however … Dorothy you win; here you go, fifty galleons for the hat pin."

Lee's voice broke through, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I draw your attention to the front of the studio. Please note curtains … one, two, and three."

As he said that, runes in an impressive array of colors danced around all three curtains. What the audience didn't know was that the runes caused a spell to trigger; it was a spell that made sure no one in the audience who wasn't light-sided would hear or see what happened next.

The dark-sided audience members, both in the studio and watching the program from off-site locations, that is to say, via the WWN, heard, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is Lee Jordan, saying … that does it for us for today. Tune in next week for another episode of 'Let's Make a Deal'. Please stay tuned for a special presentation."

Those who stayed where they were watched an old Muggle cartoon by the Disney studios; it was the 1940 production of 'Fantasia,' staring Mickey Mouse.

The light-sided members of the audience, again, both in the studio and off site, viewing the program via the WWN, heard the following, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is Lee Jordan, saying … that does it for us for today. Tune in next week for another episode of 'Let's Make a Deal'."

When Lee was finished, with that announcement, he continued in a softer voice, "For those of you who are curious about the three contestants who weren't invited to take part in the quest for the big deal of the day, what follows is what became of them. After this, you're invited to stay and watch a special presentation of Disney's 'Fantasia.' It's a Muggle cartoon from years and years ago. It is, by the way, one of my favorite movies.

"Now, without further ado, here's what happened away from the cameras. Lucius Malfoy never got to see the 'mansion' he won. The doorway through which he walked was a portal that took him through the veil in the Department of Mysteries. Through the veil, he stepped into who-knows-what, but it wasn't of this world.

"The rest of McNair's prize behind curtain number two wasn't that he'd actually won the axe and armor, no. Instead, he found that an Auror, dressed in the armor that had been on stage was wielding the axe that had been next to the armor and the Auror decapitated McNair with one swift stroke of the blade. McNair never knew what hit him. His end was extremely fast as well as painless.

"Crabbe's prize from behind curtain number one was indeed an island vacation … he traveled by portkey – which was donated to the show free of charge by the Minister of Magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and which transported the … contestant to Azkaban's high-security section.

"This is Lee Jordan signing off, and hoping you'll join us again next week for another episode of 'Let's Make a Deal.' And remember, folks, not all deals will end in death or imprisonment. Remember Mr. Weasley, Mr. Hagrid, and Ms. Trelawney, and that this is, after all, a magical show … it is also … quite obviously light-sided and rewards the light side. Thank you all for coming to watch, for participating, or for watching from the comfort of your homes."

THE END

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