I do not own the characters of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. They are owned by Beth Sullivan and CBS.
This story picks up immediately where The Abduction leaves off. It explores the family's reaction to finally having their mother home.
Not as Big
"It's over…. It's truly over." Michaela thought to herself as she watched Cloud Dancing's retreating form grow smaller in the distance. It was all so bitter sweet, to be home and to see her children, to know that the Cheyenne were safe, but then to have to tell Cloud Dancing what had happened to his son, and to watch the pain in her friend's eyes. She was flooded with more emotions than she could handle at one time; willing herself not to break down now, she took a deep breath as she struggled against the lump rising in her throat, thankful that she didn't have to go through this alone. Looking to her left, Michaela turned her attention to Sully, examining the side of his face intently as he too stared after Cloud Dancing. It hadn't been too long ago that she had feared she'd never get to see him again. She'd never get to run her fingers through his hair, to lose herself in the blueness of his eyes, or to feel his lips on hers, and that thought had taken her breath away, it made her heart ache. Even now, the shear thought of it was enough to cause hot tears to sting at her eyes. But that time was over, she was home now and there was so much to be shared, so much to tell him that she didn't know where to begin. Dropping her eyes to trace the outline of his strong neck, she watched his muscles contract as he swallowed harshly, as if trying to mentally erase everything he had felt over the past few days, before turning his eyes to her. Looking into the vast blueness of his eyes, Michaela felt the chaos filling her heart instantly calm as his arm tighten around her.
Michaela let him guide her back to town, leaning her body heavily against his. It seemed as though all of the energy was quickly draining from her. Her head felt heavy, and she wanted nothing more than to lay it over and close her eyes if only for a moment. The pain in her feet seemed to numb with each step, and she felt like she was floating, quite uncertain as to how she was actually moving, and all the more aware of the strong arm wrapped around her waist, giving her the support that she couldn't seem to find on her own.
As the crowd around the gallows began to disperse, several of the townspeople made their way over to where Michaela and Sully stood. "I'm glad to see you Michaela." Dorothy smiled at her friend before following Loren back to the store. Jake merely nodded to them, and The Reverend stepped over to offer support. Finally, Grace and Robert E made their way through the crowd as well. Michaela forced a smile.
It's not that she wasn't glad to see them; she just felt so very disoriented. She knew that everyone wanted to make sure that she was all right, but she simply wanted to be home with Sully and the children. Children… where were the children? Slowly looking around, she realized that both Brian and Colleen were hovering close to her right side, watching her worriedly, and Matthew was standing not too far behind her protectively observing his family. Reaching out, Michaela wrapped her arm around Brian's back, bringing him to stand in front of her and Sully. She kept a firm hold on him, wanting to feel him close. Colleen, too, came to stand closer to her side, threading an arm through hers, and Michaela was vaguely aware of Matthew's gentle hand at her back.
"I have to thank you for taking care of the children." Michaela said as Grace and Robert E. came closer.
"Glad we could help." Robert E. answered shifting his gaze from Michaela to Sully. He could see the relief in the blueness of his friend's eyes, and he understood what his friend must be feeling. He didn't want to imagine what he would do if Grace were… he couldn't even bring himself to complete the thought. Nodding his understanding, he offered his friend a reassuring gaze.
Grace reached out to touch Michaela on the arm. "If there is anything we can do you just let us know now. Ya hear?" She smiled and was pleased to have gotten a smile in return. Grace knew that the next few days may be rough on everyone, but Michaela was strong, and in the end it was that strength that would pull everybody through. Patting Colleen on the cheek, Grace smiled down at Brian before her and Robert E turned, leaving the family of five alone in the peaceful meadow.
Michaela glanced toward town before closing her eyes tiredly. It just seemed so far, and she wasn't sure if she could make it. The pain in her feet was beginning to come back, making her legs tingle. She tried to lean more heavily on Sully, in hope of relief, but this did no good as she felt her knees weaken. Before she knew it, she found herself sinking to the ground. Instinctively, both Sully and Matthew moved to catch her between them.
"Ma!" Brian cried out as he watched his mother slump between Sully and Matthew.
"I'm… I'm fine." Sighing as she added. "I'm just a bit tired." She tried her best to sound reassuring, but knew she was failing miserable at comforting her children.
"Why don't we get ya to the clinic? We'll stay there tonight." Sully suggested, eyeing the distance between here and there. He was sure he could make it; he would carry her if need be. However, he also knew that Michaela wouldn't settle for his solution. It wasn't truly what she wanted, and so he wasn't surprised at all when he felt Michaela shake her head.
"No."
"It's alright Dr. Mike. It ain't too far, we'll help ya." Matthew tried to reassure her, but when she looked up at him, the young man realized that the distance wasn't what she was concerned about.
"No, I want to go home." She said to him before turning her attention back to Sully. "Take me home." She whispered; her voice full of emotion. Matthew could feel his heart beat in his chest. Those three words said so much. She was asking them for their help, acknowledging that they had control over the situation and that she couldn't do anything without them, all the while still making her desire known. That kind of vulnerability scared him. This wasn't the Dr. Mike he knew. The tall, strong woman that he had lived with for the past two years seemed to have faded away only to be replaced by the frail creature shivering slightly in his arms. Matthew watched
Sully examine his ma's face, and saw a fraction of the emotions he himself was experiencing play out on the older man's eyes. He knew Sully was battling the same feelings he was.
"Ok, we'll take you home." Sully whispered, reaching up to smooth her hair before turning his attention to Colleen and Brian who had watched the scene quietly. He could see the worry in their eyes. They too were unused to seeing the mother in such a frail state, and they were scared. Offering a little smile of comfort to them, Sully spoke quietly. "How 'bout ya go an' close up the clinic an' we'll be over their soon." Glancing between themselves, Colleen took Brian's hand as they headed back to town.
"Ya really ok?" Sully lowered his voice so that the retreating children couldn't hear.
"I am. I'm just ready to be home."
"We'll let's see what we can do about that." He shifted so that his right arm encircled Michaela's waist as his left hand clasped tightly on her upper arm, steadily supporting her weight.
Matthew stood there, uncertain of what to do. He knew he needed to be here, he needed and wanted to help, but he didn't want to hurt her anymore. He was afraid to touch her. This uncertainty, however, was dispelled as Michaela reached up and wrapped her arm around his, allowing herself to lean most of her weight on him.
Looking up to her eldest son, Michaela smiled. "It's good to see you." She murmured tiredly, patting him on the arm where her hand was already resting.
"It's good to see ya too." Matthew said, for the first time that afternoon allowing himself to feel the relief of seeing her alive and well. Reaching over, he covered her hand with his, running his hand lightly over her fingers. He noticed how her usually ivory skin was darkened with dirt, blood caked at the scratches on her knuckles, and her usually well-kept nails were dirty and jagged. However, more than this, he noticed how small her hand was. Had they always been this small? Somehow he never noticed it before. They always seemed so sure and powerful when she was wrapping bandages and suturing, but that was no longer the case.
Slowly, the trio began to make their way into town, Michaela's weight supported on each side as she determinedly took one-step after another. It didn't take them too long to get to the clinic, but long enough for Colleen and Brian and to have finished closing up. They were sitting on the bench waiting patiently for their ma.
"Just let me get these things into the wagon and we can go." Matthew stated staring at the bags and crates that were laid on the porch, evidence of their long stay at the clinic.
"Here, let me help ya." Sully said, wanting nothing more than to speed the process up a bit. Looking down at Michaela he was met with her reassuring gaze as she reached out for the wall.
Leaning against the familiar structure, Michaela watched as Matthew and Sully loaded the wagon, before turning her attention to the two children, still sitting on the bench. Immediately her eyes caught Colleen's and Michaela could see all of the happiness and anxiety the young girl was feeling. Wordlessly, she held her arms open, and Colleen wasted no time in wrapping herself in her mother's embrace.
Michaela bent to kiss the top of her daughter's head as she felt two more arms encircle her waist. Looking down, she watched as Brian buried his face against her abdomen. Running her fingers through his feathery hair, Michaela let out a deep breath. "Oh, I missed you. I missed you so much." She whispered leaning her head back against the wall and closing her eyes as a single tear made its way down her cheek.
They stood like that for a while before Michaela became aware of Sully and Matthew's presence on either side of her. She felt wrapped in love and warmth, and she was certain that she would never feel any safer than she did right now. Opening her eyes, she smiled at Sully.
"Ya ready?" he asked.
"Mmmm." She hummed as both Colleen and Brian pulled from their embrace.
"Come on Ma." Brian said finding his usual enthusiasm. "We'll take ya home."
"Home sounds so wonderful."
The children clamored into the back of the wagon, as Matthew climbed onto the buckboard before turning to help Dr. Mike. Clumsily and with a lot of help, she finally made it up into the wagon, and found herself looking down at Sully.
"I'm gonna get my horse, and follow behind ya." Sully stated wanting to make sure Michaela knew where he was at all times. He could tell that she was still slightly bewildered after everything that had happened, and he didn't want to add to her anxiety at all. He wanted her to know that he wasn't going anywhere; she was safe now. Looking over to Matthew, he nodded slightly before backing away to let the wagon pass.
Michaela felt herself sink into the buckboard, her back finding a support against the simple wooden beams. It felt like it had been hours since she had last sat and she was aware of the constant ache in her feet. For the first time, the muscles in her body seemed to be waking up, complaining to her about the stress she had put them through. Her calves were beginning to tighten and her thighs burned. The muscles that ran through her back and up to her shoulders were beginning to sting. In an effort to relieve the pain, Michaela allowed her body to hunch over, letting her head hang forward slightly. Tightening the blanket around her shoulders, she could feel herself shaking against the soft fabric.
Matthew was well aware of Dr. Mike's changing posture, as well as the way she seemed to shudder next to him. He noted the way her stringy hair fell over her shoulder, covering her face, and watched just as intently as she reached up with her hand, that same small hand, and tucked it
behind her ear. She looked so small, so alone; like Brian did the time he ran away and broke his leg in the woods. Matthew didn't want her to feel alone anymore; he wanted her to feel safe. Reaching his arm around her back, he pulled her to him, allowing her to rest against his side.
Michaela didn't even bother to resist. She felt the remaining energy slowly ebb out her body, as she leaned against Matthew. Slowly closing her eyes, she allowed herself the luxury of laying her head over on his shoulder, resting completely. She would be home soon.
Pulling up in front of the little homestead, Matthew had to smile. It had been so long since they had been back; he had never realized how much this little cabin had become home to him. He took just a moment to look around, to breathe the fresh pine scent, and enjoy the coolness of the air. Sully was just coming out of the barn, and Matthew was ashamed to feel relief settle around him. Although, he tried so very hard to be the man of the house, Matthew had absolutely no idea how to handle a situation like this. He didn't know how to help his mother; he wanted to make sure that she was all right, but he knew it would only embarrass her if he made too much of a fuss. Sully knew what to do, he always seemed to know the right things to say or do. He knew Dr. Mike felt safer with him around, and so Matthew was content to take his cues from his friend.
"Hey Sully, ya got here 'fore we did." Brian said, jumping out of the back of the wagon.
"Sure did Brian." Sully said, smiling at the boy's obvious eagerness at having his ma home, as he reached up to help Michaela down from the wagon.
"It's probably cause we went a little slower, so we didn't hit any big bumps with Ma." Matthew, coming around the back of the wagon, frowned at Brian's bluntness, but Michaela merely smiled.
"And I appreciate that." She threw a gaze over to Matthew, making her thanks known. Colleen, much more hesitant than Brian slowly came forward.
"If you like, me and Brian can heat some water so you can get cleaned up." She said meekly, hands fumbling with the folds of her skirt.
"I think that sounds wonderful, thank you." Leaving Matthew outside to unhitch the horses, Sully helped Michaela inside as Brian went to the well.
Stepping into the homestead for the first time in nearly a week, Michaela felt such a strange emotion. She couldn't name it, but she most certainly knew it was there. Motioning for Sully to help her sit on the edge of the bed, she began to feel the familiarity of the environment seep in. Everything was so well known and yet so strange at the same time. Looking up to Sully, she nodded.
"Why don't you go help Matthew unload the wagon? I'll be fine here." Locking eyes with him, she reached out and touched him gently on the side of the arm, letting him know that she truly was ok. It was important for her to remember that she wasn't the only one who had gone through
such trauma. The children and Sully had been through quite an emotional ordeal as well, and as exhausted as she was, she was trying so hard to be there for them as well. She wanted them to know that she was going to be ok, they would pull through this, or so she wanted to believe. In reality, she didn't know what was happening, and she didn't know how to be there for them when she felt so lost herself. Michaela watched as he stepped through the door, shutting it tightly behind him, before turning her eyes on the little room.
Michaela scanned her surroundings, taking in every little detail. She saw the little fireplace with the stone facing and the mantle that hung above it. On one end of the mantle sat a beautiful wooden fox that Sully had made for her when they had first started courting, and a smaller, more clumsily carved horse that Brian had made under Sully's guidance. Michaela smiled as she remembered the nights the two sat before the fire, Sully patiently directing the young boy's hands until the carving was complete. Brian had been so proud when all was said and done that the carving found its own place of prominence on the mantle. Against the wall sat a little bookshelf, littered with different bindings and pictures. On top sat the family photograph Daniel Watkins had taken before he left Colorado. Her dresser still stood tall against the wall next to the hearth littered with the porcelain dolls that had made the trip with her from Boston.
Glancing down, Michaela ran her fingers over the stitching of her bedding, the softness of the fabric pressing against the pads of her fingertips. Slowly she moved her hand up the bed and over to the nightstand. She ran her fingers over the edge of the tabletop, letting the corner press into her flesh. Everything was still how she left it, as if she had planned to come home as she dressed that morning for the clinic unaware of what fate held for her. Michaela shuddered at the thought. Fate…was it truly fate? The oil lamp sat silently against the wall with a box of matches at its base. A few extra hairpins, unused for several days, and the book she had been reading still sat patiently awaiting her return.
Michaela reached her fingers out and hesitantly touched the green leather binding of the novel, feeling the roughness as she glided her hand across the cover. Gently tugging at the spine, she caught the book in her hand as it came off the table, pulling it into her lap. She examined the book closely, before flipping open the front cover and running her fingers down the pages. Reading the title of the long forgotten book, she frowned, The Last of the Mohicans. Somehow, she didn't think she would ever find the desire to finish it. Shutting the book with a thump, she sat it back on the table as the front door opened.
"That's the last of it." Matthew announced dumping the remaining bags on the floor as Colleen turned from the stove with a kettle in her hand.
"Dr. Mike?" She waited until her ma turned to look at her. "The water's warm; would you like the tub?"
"No thank you Colleen, I think I'll just use the basin." The young girl disappeared into the alcove next to her ma's bed and set the steaming kettle down on a wooden bench that ran the length of the back wall before appearing again.
"Whadda ya want for dinner Ma?" Brian asked, coming to stand next to his mother placing an arm gently around her shoulders. "Ya can have anything you like. I bet Colleen wouldn't mind cooking."
In all honesty, the very thought of smelling food made Michaela's stomach flip. It had been a while since she had really eaten, the honey and berries Sully found for her excluded, and she wasn't sure how she would handle it. However, she knew that it would do her now use to argue, Sully would see that she ate something, and he was right. She had to eat. Sighing a little, she looked between Brian and Matthew, who was leaning against the counter on the wall.
"How about you go into town and see if Grace has anything for us?"
"Is that what ya want?"
"If you don't mind going into town again. That way Colleen doesn't have to cook here." Her last sentence explained enough for Matthew and Sully, who both understood her train of thought.
"What would you like?" Colleen asked, walking up to her mother.
"Something bland." Michaela answered, seeing the understanding in Colleen's eyes and knowing that her daughter would pick something suitable. "Maybe stew or something or something like that."
"Ok, we'll let's head on out so we can get home faster." Matthew said sitting his hat on his head. He ushered his two younger siblings out the door.
Michaela, who had managed to stand in the process, and was subtly holding onto the bedpost for stability, forced a smile. "I'll see you when you get back."
"I'm gonna walk them out." Sully said, stepping closer to her. "Ya ok here?"
"Yes, I'm just going to get cleaned up." She gestured to the little alcove behind her before placing her hand on his chest, feeling the scratchy fabric of his shirt. She moved her finger's gently, feeling the muscles flex under her touch. It felt as though her senses had been numb for some long. She was like a newborn, touching everything she could lay her hands on, eager to feel new, different textures. It didn't seem real if she couldn't feel it. Watching her hand as it glided over his shirt, she finally brought her eyes up to meet his.
Staring into the mismatched eyes, Sully could see the weakened embers of her determination trying to spark once again, and he knew to step back and let the fire grow. Nodding slightly, his crystal eyes danced across her face, memorizing ever speck of dirt, every scratch, and every misplaced hair. He fought the urge to take her in his arms and kiss it all away, but it wasn't the right time. She would come to him when she needed him; at least that's what he hoped. After all that had happened he wasn't so sure anymore. Covering her hand with his, he lifted it from his chest and placed a firm kiss to her palm. Making her a silent promise. "I'll be back."
Once he was gone, Michaela was free to make her way slowly to the little alcove where Colleen had left the warm water. Being alone, she felt comfortable enough to take a few steps without holding on to anything for support, and found that although she didn't feel very steady on her feet, she did have balance.
Stepping into the alcove, she pulled the curtain behind her, shielding herself from the rest of the world preparing to nurse her wounds in private. As if to a magnet, Michaela felt herself being drawn to the little mirror hanging over the washbasin, but stopped before she had the chance to see her reflection. She was faced with an inner struggle that she didn't know how to fight. Part of her felt that if she didn't look she could pretend that nothing had happened. Everything in this house had stayed the same, nothing changed, and if she tried really hard she could ignore the aching muscles that ran through her body. Nothing had to have happened if she didn't want it to, if she didn't look. Michaela found herself frozen in place, unable to move forward, but knowing she couldn't move back. She could feel tears of frustration prick at her eyes. Oh how she hated this! She hated the uncertainty, the weakness that she was feeling right now. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to step in front of the mirror. What she saw before her took her breath away.
Her face was gaunt and filthy. Her eyes were sunken and she had lost all of her coloring, making her look all the more frail. With shaky hands, Michaela reached up and ran her fingers along her high cheekbones and back to her hairline. Pushing back her hair in order to get a better view of the scratches that dotted the right side of her face, she winced as she trailed her fingers down the tender flesh. A sob seeped from her lips as a tear escaped the corner of her eye. Biting her lip, in an effort to control her emotions, she reached for the kettle and filled the washbasin with the warm liquid.
Slowly, she began to discard her clothing, watching as bit-by-bit, more skin presented more scratches. Soon, she was standing amidst the torn, muddy clothing running her hands over her battered body. There was a deep gash trailing across her left arm and an ugly bruise had long since made itself known across her ribcage. She would be surprised if nothing was broken. Frowning, Michaela reached for the sponge, trying not to think about how this would sting.
Gently with the use of soap and water, Michaela washed the dirt and blood from body, allowing it to fall to the floor and soak into the rags at her feet. When she was done she tended to the scratches, rubbing a salve on her arm and knuckles before binding her rib cage. Turning toward her dresser, she pulled out the first gown she laid her hands. Holding it tightly to her chest, she breathed in the deep flowery smell. It was the scent of safety.
Stiffly pulling the garment over her head, Michaela reached for her hairbrush and found that as long as she didn't lift her arms too far over her head she could managed to get all of the tangles out. However, when the task was finished, she felt herself tiredly sway, and struggled to sit down before she lost her footing.
Her heart pounded and she was slightly out of breath as she sat on the bench, but there were still some things that needed to be taken care of. Sitting sideways so that she could pull her legs up on the bench with her she strained to examine her feet. Almost instantly, she felt pain from her ribs shoot through her body causing her to groan as she sat up. Wrapping her arms around her waist and leaning against the back wall she took a few steady breaths. Slowly, she ventured to open her eyes again, staring at the ceiling.
How did she get here? How had this happened? Michaela looked around at her home. The warm glow from the fire, the familiar furniture, and the comforting smell that enveloped her was suppose to give her a sense of security, but it didn't match what she was feeling inside. Inside she ached all over; her heart was beating out of her chest. There was no peace and she was beginning to wonder if she would ever have that feeling again and that thought was almost unbearable. She struggled to take her mind off the crushing feeling in her chest, but once her eyes settled on the pile of wet clothes on the floor she lost what little control she had left. The tears began to stream down her face as she struggled to hold back a sob. Before she knew it, every emotion she had felt over the past few days was bubbling to the surface as she silently sobbed into her hands.
After the children had left, Sully had tried to busy himself outside, giving Michaela the privacy that she needed. Leaning against the side of the homestead with his foot propped up behind him, he watched as the afternoon sun slowly moved closer to the horizon, shooting shades of orange, red, and pink across the sky. Narrowing his eyes, Sully tried to calculate how long he had been outside. It had been at least half an hour maybe longer, surely that was enough. Deciding to step inside if only to make sure that everything was all right, he rose from his position and gently pushed on the door.
Sticking his head inside, he looked around only to find the main room empty. Stepping into the room, he shut the door behind him before making his way to the little alcove.
"Dr. Mike?" He called softly, gently knocking on the wall. He got no reply. "Dr. Mike? Michaela?" he called a little more desperately this time. Still not getting any answer, Sully lifted the corner of the cloth and peered into the room, and he felt his heart break.
Michaela sat, huddled in the corner, her head buried in her hands and her shoulders shaking with silenced sobs. The nightgown she was wearing seemed to engulf her, hanging loosely around her shoulders, and covering her knees. She looked like a little girl, who had just woken from a nightmare and was still too terrified to tell her parents what was wrong. He couldn't remember ever seeing her so small and vulnerable before. With two long strides he was at her side whispering to her.
"Shhshhh. It's ok. It's over now." He reached up, wrapped his hands around her wrists and gently pulling them from her face. She didn't fight him, but simply continued to look at her knees.
"Oh, Sully." She whispered, his name coming out shakily as she made to wipe her nose.
"It's ok." He repeated, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Had she always been this pale? Frowning, Sully just sat there, absentmindedly rubbing his hand over the side of her knee. There was no need for words. He would just be with her. It had been so long since they
were simply together. Slowly, Michaela raised her head to look at Sully and he could tell she wanted to say something, but something was stopping her.
"I… I…" She stammered. She wanted to tell him, she needed someone to know what it was like, what she had been through. She wanted someone to understand and she knew that Sully was the someone she was needed. This burden was too heavy for her to carry herself, but she couldn't find the words to explain.
"What? What is it?" His prompting seemed to be enough for her as she was finally able to put her emotions into words. When she spoke, her words were soft and measured. The thickness of tears distorted her usual tone, but she did not sob.
"I was so scared, Sully. I was so alone, and I had no idea what they were saying. I didn't know what they were planning or where they were taking me, and… and the thought of never seeing you or the children again… it just hurt so much."
"I know. I was scared too. Thought I'd never get the chance ta see ya again, wouldn't get to tell ya how much I love ya. But it's over now. Ya're home. Ya're safe."
As Michaela let his words sink in, she watched Sully's hand trace the familiar line over her leg. Reaching out, she stilled it, pressing his fingers tightly against her knee. She considered his words and in turn what she was feeling before she spoke, choosing her words carefully. "I know that I'm home, and that I'm safe here, but it's so strange." Her eyes locked with the piercing blue staring back at her. "It's such an alien feeling, to be safe."
"I bet it is, but that's ok 'cause me an' Brian an' Matthew an' Colleen, we're gonna be here for ya. We'll carry ya until you don't need us anymore."
Michaela bit her lip and nodded, the way a small child would when they're absorbing something important. Sniffing once, she ran her eyes over her body, again witnessing the scares that proved the reality of her nightmare. The scratches on her feet were bright now. They needed to be taken care of before they got infected. Sighing, Michaela repeated Sully's words in her mind. We'll carry ya until you don't need us anymore.
"Sully would… I can't…" Sully sat patiently watching as she struggled to speak. For once, he couldn't decide what she was trying to tell him. Michaela took a breath and looked up at him, not bothering to mask the vulnerability in her eyes. She just… she needed help. "Sully, would you help me wash my feet? I… I can't reach. It hurts."
The words hung in the air only for a moment before Sully picked them up and held them close. Truth be told, he was elated that she came to him, that she didn't try to hide anything, but at the same time he couldn't stand the thought of her hurting. "Of course." He whispered to her sliding off the bench and grabbing the washbasin. Kneeling in front of her, he poured fresh water into the basin before carefully lifting her feet into his hands and laying them in his lap
Michaela's feet shook in his hands. Her usually soft, smooth skin was torn and calloused. As Sully cradled the injured limb in his left hand, he squeezed the excess water out of a wet rag with his right. Gently he began his task. Starting at her ankle, he ran the cloth slowly over her skin, taking care to wash all of the dirt away. As his movements slowly descended to her foot, he slowed his movements even more, trying to prevent himself from hurting her anymore.
There isn't anything much more humbling than having one's feet washed, and although Michaela knew it was absolutely necessary, she could still feel the slight humiliation tinge her cheeks. If it were anyone else, anyone but Sully, it would have been too much. She sat there, staring thoughtfully down at the top of his head, watching his hands run over her skin. For a moment, Michaela had to muse over the power that lay in those large hands. She had seen him use those hands with such strength to fight One Eye and eventually kill him, and yet now they were gently cradling her foot, carefully tending her wounds. Spellbound by his soothing touch, she reached out to touch the top of his head, to run her fingers through his hair. However, she was broken from her reverie by the sharp stinging sensations flashing up her feet as the warm water ran over the cuts. Biting her tongue, Michaela pulled her arm back and laid her head against the back wall, trying not to cry.
Sully felt her leg tense and he sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. He was hurting her, he knew he was, and yet there wasn't anything he could do to prevent it. Lowering his head further, so he didn't have to see her face he tried to work as quickly as possible.
It wasn't too long before Sully reached for a dry, soft cloth and enveloped Michaela's feet in the material. Gently rubbing the moisture away, Sully took the opportunity to run his hand down her ankle, gently caressing the raw skin. There had to be something Michaela was using to put on her scratches. She wouldn't settle for just soap and water. Glancing around, he saw a little tin of salve sitting next to her on the bench, and raised himself up just a little as he caught the edge of the tin and pulled it into his hand. Settling back down, he moistened his fingertips and began to apply the balm to the sores on her feet. When he was done with her left foot, Sully finally summoned the courage to look at her.
Fully expecting to see her still leaning against the wall grimacing slightly, he raised his eyes to her and found something completely different. Instead, she was looking down at him, watching as he took her usual position as doctor. Dropping his eyes back down to the task at hand, Sully had to smile. Four years ago, he never would have thought about salve or balm, or cleaning cuts, but now it's the first thing that goes through his mind. Covering the last of the scratches, he looked back up at her, a small smile playing on his lips. It wasn't a smile of amusement or joy, but of relief. He couldn't remember the last time his spirit was so calm, and he knew that he couldn't get enough of touching her. He wanted to touch her face, to kiss her, to feel her in his arms, because if he didn't he was afraid she would fade away.
His eyes came to rest on the series of scratches running along the side of her face. He couldn't help himself, dipping his fingers into the salve; he reached up and gently slid his finger over the ugly purple scrapes and down her hairline, his gaze following his movements. When his hand finally stilled, his eyes glided to hers, locking with the hazel and green that stared back into his own soul. For a moment, he could see the girl she once was, the girl he was always curious about. Tears glistened in her eyes as she reached to cover his hand with her own. "Thank you." All she could muster was a whisper.
Cupping her face in his hands, he straightened to kiss her forehead. He didn't mind caring for her, he didn't have to tell her that, she already knew, but he still yearned to whisper those three words to her, the same words that he had spoken to her standing on that mountain. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but knew that actions spoke much louder than words. Moving down slightly, he kissed the tip of her nose before leaning back and running his thumb over her chin, smiling at her. She smiled back a delicate but pure smile and Sully knew she had understood.
"How about we put some stockings on, so they don't scratch on the floor?" Michaela nodded as Sully rose to his feet. Standing before her dresser, he rested his hands on the knobs before realizing he didn't know where her stockings were. Looking down at her, he caught her smiling a little more broadly.
"Second drawer, in the corner." Following her instructions, he pulled out a pair of black socks, and helped put them on her feet.
"There. I'd say ya don't even look like the same person." He said pulling her to her feet.
"Hmmm, I'm fetching I'm sure." She said sarcastically, but laughing lightly. She was beginning to feel a little better and Sully could tell. She was slowly regaining her spirits. Sully, who had taken her dressing gown from the hook on the wall, pulled it around her shoulders and smiled at her.
"Yea, ya're beautiful. A few scratches can't change that." He winked at her, running the back of his fingers down the side of her face. He smiled at her sincerely before turning his head just a little. A muffled sound outside came floating to the room, announcing the children's arrival home. "Come on. Let's get you something to eat." At the thought of food, Michaela closed her eyes and grimaced slightly. "Ya gotta be hungry." Sully said, eyes narrowing as he led her to sit at the little table.
"I am, I suppose I just… I don't know how much I can handle."
"I know, but ya gotta try. Ya need to eat somethin'."
"I know." Michaela eased herself into the little wooden chair just as the side door opened.
"Hey Ma! Sorry it took so long, Ms. Grace insisted on making ya something special." Brian came jaunting into the room and came to stand next to where his ma sat at the table.
"Well, I hope she wasn't too busy."
"She didn't have many more people left." Colleen explained from cupboard, where she was pulling bowls out. "Brian, come set the table."
"Do I hafta?"
"Brian…"
Michaela still concerned over the upcoming meal gazed between Colleen and Brian. "So, what did we end up with?"
"Grace thought you'd like some chicken, noodle soup." Matthew inserted, walking through the door with a large pot. Michaela smiled a little to herself. Chicken noodle soup; now that just might be manageable. The relief on her face wasn't noticeable to anyone else in the room, save Sully who already knew her concerns. As he turned and sat some glasses on the table, accompanied with a pitcher of tea, he caught her smile and gave her a quick nod. Ya see? It's all gonna be ok.
Brian came around and sat the bowls in front of each little chair as Colleen followed behind with the spoons. When the she got around to where Michaela was sitting though, her ma simply pulled out the chair sitting next to her. Colleen wasted no time in taking the seat.
As Colleen allowed herself to sit, she looked Dr. Mike over for the first time since she had gotten home. She seemed better. Her hair was brushed and her hands were clean; she seemed more comfortable in her dressing gown. "You look like you feel better." Colleen stated with a little smile, a smile that was returned.
"I do, actually." Sully and Matthew each took their seats at the ends of the table as the soup was ladled out. For Michaela, the warm liquid tasted like heaven, and although it did settle a little hard on her stomach at first, she learned that if she ate slowly, she wouldn't be nauseous.
At first, the little family ate in comfortable silence, the tension of the past week slowly melting around them as they enjoyed being a family again. As Michaela got her bearings about eating once more, she looked up curious as to what she had missed in her children's lives.
"Tell me what's been going on in town." She said softly running her gaze between Matthew, Brian, and Colleen. Sully too looked up interested.
"Ya mean other than Custer trying to hang innocent people?" Matthew said a little sarcastically, but stopped himself and looked apologetically to his mother.
"Custer was just looking for an excuse." Sully pointed out, taking a sip of tea.
"He wouldn't even let them have water."
"Yea, The Reverend had to talk them into letting me and Colleen give them something to drink."
"He did?" Sully looked up somewhat shocked. "Didn't sound like he would be interested in helpin' them after the attack on the stagecoach."
"I think he realized that he was wrong." Matthew pointed out.
From her place at the table, Michaela sighed. Quite frankly, she was tired about hearing about Custer and what he did or didn't do. She wanted to get away from it, if only for a while. She didn't want to remember right now. Staring over at Brian, Michaela sought to change the subject. "Brian, did Hank let you have your horse?" Her question came out of the blue, and Michaela instantly regretted it the moment she saw her son's face drop.
"Hank didn't hold up his end of the bargain." Matthew filled in.
"Yea, he sold it instead." Colleen added, the venom in her voice evident.
"What? I thought…"
"I did everything he wanted me to, but he didn't keep his promise."
Sully spoke up from his end of the table. "Did he give ya anything for your time?"
"Yea, he gave me some money, but I wanted the horse."
"Oh, Brian I'm so sorry." Michaela sighed. She knew how much Brian had wanted that little horse. She could imagine his disappointment, and Brian too, felt the disappointment fill back to
the top, but then he looked across the table. It was his ma, and she was here with them. Brian remembered The Reverend once saying that sometimes God chose to answer your prayers in a different way than what you want, and the boy knew immediately that The Reverend had told the truth. Brian couldn't help but smile.
"It's alright Ma. I'd rather have you for my birthday than some old horse."
The boy's words flooded into the air and settled around the table with a gentle sigh. There was an expectant hush that filled the room, and Michaela felt her heart swell and her breath catch in her throat. Tears pressed against her sinuses and her chin quivered slightly. If a person is truly lucky, they will one day get to discover how much they are truly loved. They get to see that they truly have made a difference in someone's life; that they don't live pointless lives, and it is a truly overwhelming feeling. Looking around the table, Michaela understood that Brian's words were not only his own, they were shared by everyone sitting around the little table. She could see it in the subtle way Sully's lips curled into a smile, the protective way Matthew continued to glance at her, as if to make sure she was still alright, and the way Colleen sat so close. Michaela could only imagine how the uncertainty must have hurt her family and it only served to anger her more. In one way, it seemed to Michaela that her place had been the easiest; she was the only one not wondering what was happening. For her, the journey would end regardless of the outcome. The thought made Michaela shudder.
Felling Dr. Mike shake gently, Colleen silently reached for her hand. She had to admit that the thought had crossed her mind several times the past few days that she may not see her ma again.
She had worried about explaining to Brian that they had once again lost their mother, and then wondered about what would happen to them afterwards. Then, when she saw Sully riding up this afternoon with Dr. Mike she could have jumped for joy. She wanted to throw herself into her ma's arms, but she had stopped herself. Dr. Mike just looked so tired and so…frail. Colleen was afraid that she'd shatter if she were touched. Even now, holding her ma's hand, she could easily feel the tiny bones in her hand and wrist. Slowly she shifted her gaze over to the nearly full bowl of soup sitting next to her and frowned.
"Are you not going to eat more than that?"
Michaela looked down and flushed slightly, "I think that's all for tonight." She sighed looking down at her daughter.
Realizing that she had eaten all she could handle, Colleen, squeezed her ma's hand and moved to kiss her on the cheek. "Ok then." She rose, pulling the dishes toward her.
"Me an' Matthew'll do the dishes, Colleen." Sully spoke up, taking the bowl from her hand. Matthew at the other end of the table rose as well.
"Hey Ma, ya look tired." Brian stated, his eyebrows lowered with concern.
"I'm fine…"
"Well, I think bedtime is next on the list." Colleen added, helping the protesting Michaela up.
"Don't argue Ma." Brian commanded, though not too forcefully, while moving to the bed and pulling the sheets back. While she was being escorted to the bed, Michaela threw a helpless glance over her shoulder catching Sully's smiling eyes. It was good to see the kids dote over their mother once more.
As Michaela sat, tiredly on the side of her bed, Brian crawled onto the foot. "Come on, Dr. Mike. You know you need a good night's sleep. That's what you would tell any of your patients." Colleen said, helping Michaela out of her dressing gown. She paused for just a moment and noticed the way the nightgown seemed to swallow her whole. Had that gown always been so big? Perhaps it was just the way Dr. Mike was sitting with her shoulders shrugged and her feet propped up on the edge of the bed. Folding the dressing gown, and laying it on the chest at the foot of the bed, Colleen tried to distract herself. It unsettled her to think of her mother as being so small and fragile, if Dr. Mike could be broken so easily, then anyone could, and that made everything hopeless.
"She's right Ma." Brian interjected, but Colleen, lost in her own thoughts, didn't hear him.
"I suppose she is." Michaela admitted as Colleen came wandering around the bed. Pulling her feet up, Michaela began to make herself comfortable as she leaned against the soft pillows. She closed her eyes and groaned softly as the aches in her muscles seemed to ooze out of her body.
"See it does feel good." Colleen teased, reaching down to pull the covers up, taking care to tuck them around her ma, much like Dr. Mike used to tuck her in.
"Mmmmm…."
"Sleep well." Colleen whispered, bending down to kiss Dr. Mike on the forehead.
"I will. Thank you." Michaela whispered, accepting the reversal of roles. As Colleen stood up, she caught a whiff of that familiar smell. A sweet, powdery freshness that was unique only to her mother. She hadn't realized how used to that smell she was until she began to miss it. Colleen breathed out a little. I need to tell her that, she thought. I need to tell her how much I missed her and how much we love her. I don't know what we'd do without her.
"Good night Ma." Brian whispered through pink little lips, stepping around Colleen and making the same gesture to kiss his Ma's cheek.
"Good night Brian." Michaela answered back, but it came out in a tired slur. As the events of the week washed over her, she was powerless to stop the sleep that cradled her body. For the first time in a long time she was clean, full, and comfortable, and her soul told her that it was ok to finally let go. She didn't have to fight anymore. The aches began to fade as she drifted off into a deep slumber, blissfully unaware of the soft clanking of dishes in the background. She was home.
The children didn't stay up much later than Michaela had. They had had a busy day, not to mention the fact that they hadn't slept for the past few nights. Soon, it was only Matthew and Sully, standing in the kitchen, quietly moving around the little homestead. Matthew, after finishing his tasks, found himself leaning against the countertop, watching Dr. Mike as she slept.
"It's strange to have her home." Sully broke the young man's thoughts as he sat the last of the bowls in the cabinet. Sully turned around and followed Matthew's gaze, eyes running over the golden strands splayed across the pillow.
"Yea, it is." Silence, elapsed as both men lost themselves once again the nightmare they had lived. It's true that they had all walked this journey together, but the way in which it was experienced varied greatly. Matthew for one, still felt incompetent when it came to keeping his family from harm, and he wasn't willing to take any more chances. Nervously, clearing his throat he spoke, "Sully… would ah… would you mind stayin' tonight? Here? In case…" Sully cut him off before he could say anymore. Clapping the boy on the back, he nodded.
"Why don't ya go on ta bed. I bet you're tired." Matthew smiled his thanks as he moved to the door.
Once again, Sully found himself alone, watching Michaela sleep. However, this time she looked much more comfortable surrounded by pillows and bed sheets. She was curled up on her side, with her hands tucked under her chin and her hair splayed around her like golden sunshine. The
muscles of her face were relaxed, void of all expressions of pain and fear. Her lips, gently parted, were beginning to turn pink again and her cheeks were beginning to regain their rosy hue, but Sully still saw the frightened little girl from earlier this afternoon.
Sully was mesmerized by her beauty, content to just stand there and watch the slow rise and fall of her chest, but his reverie was quickly broken as she stirred in her sleep, pulling the sheets tighter around her shoulders and shuddering against the cold night air. Sully wasted no time in pulling an extra quilt from the foot of the bed and draping it over her thin body. Kneeling down so that he was eye level with her, he studied her face more carefully. He had called her his heartsong, and even then he hadn't truly grasped how true his words were. He didn't realize how numb he had become without her until he felt the way he thrived with her next to him. Yes, he had called her his heartsong and now his heart was a symphony. Reaching up, he lightly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He would tell her. He would tell her how much he loved her and they would get everything straightened out, soon. Leaning in Sully tenderly pressed his lips to her hairline, taking in the syrupy scent of her skin.
It took all the effort in Sully's body to pull himself from Michaela's bedside, but he knew that he too, must sleep. Adjusting the rocking chair so that he could still see her face, he turned down the lamp and prepared himself for the night ahead.
A few hours later, Brian found himself wide-awake with no hope of going back to sleep. He had been tossing and turning for some time now, and his legs ached to be moved. Every time he
closed his eyes, he saw his ma as she weakly slid to the ground in the meadow while both Sully and Matthew struggled to catch her. Frowning, he thought about the rest of the day.
He had been so excited when he saw Sully appear out of the woods with Dr. Mike, but that excitement was quickly extinguished when he saw how tired she looked. She didn't look the way his ma usually did. Her smile wasn't the same, and her eyes didn't dance. But, the thing that he remembered the most was the way she moved. She didn't move like his ma. She walked with her shoulders hunched over and took small steps, and even her hands moved slowly when she was eating. Turning over to his side, Brian sighed in frustration. Was he just imagining it? Maybe he was wrong. Well there's only one way to find out, he thought to himself, sitting up and crawling out of the bed.
The floorboards were cold against his feet, and Brian instantly wished he had put on stockings. Ignoring his discomfort, he pulled at the sheet, separating the alcove from the main room and peeked around the edge. Sully sat leaning back in the rocking chair, head resting on one side, and a soft snore escaping his lips. Brian had to smile. He didn't know Sully snored! After a moment, Brian turned his attention back to the task at hand. The moonbeams flooded in through the window and illuminated the little room in a faded blue glow. From here, Brian could easily see Dr. Mike lying in the bed, but he wanted to get closer.
Tiptoeing over to the bed, Brian examined his ma. His eyes traced the outline of her body under the covers. He hadn't been imagining, she was small. She was curled up on her side forming a small ball under the sheets. Brian noticed how sharp her shoulders were under the sheets and how tiny her legs looked. Stepping closer, he watched as her hair fluttered as she breathed in and out. Her hand lay next to her head on the pillow and Brian was struck my its size. It was so small. Her fingers and everything were tiny. Briefly, Brian wondered if her hand was any bigger than his own. Why had he never noticed this before? Unable to resist himself, he reached out, wanting to trace the long, slender fingers.
"Brian…" The low voice scared the boy as he turned around. Brian could feel his heart beating in his chest, as if he had been caught doing something wrong. He eyes met Sully's gaze as he bent forward, hands on his knees. "Don't wake her, son." The older man whispered into the darkness.
"I wasn't…" Brian turned to caste one more glance to his mother before making his way over to his friend. "It's just… she's so small, Sully." Gazing into the little boy's eyes, Sully could see the confusion that lay behind the sparkling orbs. Reaching out, he pulled the boy into his arms, settling him on his knee while leaning back in the chair.
"She is small Brian." He answered, trying to cover the child with a blanket in order to fend off the cold. Brian sat on Sully's lap and gently rested his head against his friend's chest.
"Has she always been that small?"
"Uh huh…"
"But, I've never noticed that. She always seemed so big before." Brian shifted so he could look up at Sully, struggling to understand how his ma had changed without changing at all.
"Ya know what the Cheyenne say? They say that a person's spirit and their body are two different beings. Sometimes a person can have a strong body, but a weak spirit or the other way around." Brian furrowed his brow, trying to understand what he was being told. "Ya know when I look at Dr. Mike, she looks big to me too."
"Really? But why?"
"Well, I think that when me and you look at her we don't see what is on the outside, we see her spirit."
"Ya mean she has a big spirit?" Sully chuckled softly. It seemed to be something so difficult to understand, and yet, Brian saw everything so simply.
"Yea, her spirit's big and strong. That's how she can stand up for everything that's right, how she can be a doctor even though she's a woman."
"Is that why she seems to fill a room every time she walks in?" Brian smiled softly at the memory.
"Yea, Brian it is, but her strength is different from mine. She can do all that, but she has a hard time chopping firewood. Ya ever see her do that when me or Matthew aren't around?"
"Yea, she always gets the axe stuck." Now it was Sully's turn to laugh as he remembered walking up on Michaela while she was trying to chop wood. She had gotten the head of the axe stuck in the log and was frantically hitting it against the stump she had been working on. Finally, in a fit of frustration, she simply threw the entire rig to the ground and threw up her hands. The instant she saw him watching her, she had turned such a beautiful shade of pink, Sully couldn't help but tease her lightly, and he eventually managed to get her to join in on his laughter.
Ruffling Brian's hair, Sully slowly rocked the chair. "Yea, ya know, sometimes we gotta remember that she isn't the unbreakable. Sometimes she's small, and that's ok."
"So, when she's looks small, we're not getting to see her spirit, just the way she is on the outside."
"That's right." Sully whispered as Brian moved so he could look at his ma. Still able to see her face shining in the moonlight, he considered what Sully had just told him.
"But Sully, will she ever look like the way she was?"
"In time. She's strong, Brian. She'll win this fight."
"Then she'll be big again." Brian sighed, tiredly laying his head against Sully's chest.
"Yea…" Sully whispered, unsure of whether the boy was asleep or not. "Yea, then she'll be big again." He repeated once again, as if to convince himself. Taking a deep breath, Sully laid his head against the back of the chair, still rocking in the soothing motion as he felt Brian's breathing deepen. Yawning himself, Sully closed his eyes, reminding himself that once again his family was together.
It was sometime mid morning. Michaela could tell by the way light was flooding her room. She didn't even have to open her eyes, she just knew. It was midmorning and yet, she still wasn't ready to get up. Pulling her knees closer to her chest, she stiffly rolled over grunting a little as she did so. Running her hand up the bed tick, she felt the cool softness of comfort and reminded herself once more that she was home. Home, the word was enough to force her to open her eyes, anxious to see how the rays of the midmorning sun filtered through the window. It was a beautiful sight. Michaela smiled, pulling the pillow to her face and taking a deep breath. She had slept so deeply she hadn't even dreamed. It was all over, and Michaela knew that whatever happened now, couldn't hurt her anymore. Yawning, once again she rolled onto her back and scanned the room.
"Good morning sleepy head." Colleen teased, walking over from where she was standing by the stove, working on lunch. Pushing down the bed sheets, Michaela slowly pulled herself into a sleeping position. "Here…" Colleen whispered fluffing the pillows quickly before her mother leaned back.
"Mmm Thank you. What time is it?"
"It's a little after eleven. You've been sleeping for almost fourteen hours." Michaela closed her eyes and sighed a little, refusing to be bothered by the fact half the day was gone. Before she could say anything Brian came wandering into the room with a bucket of water. Setting the bucket on the counter, he looked for Colleen. Once he saw his ma his face lit up.
"Ma! You're awake."
"I am. Thank you for letting me sleep."
"Did ya sleep good?"
"Indeed I did." Michaela motioned for Brian to join her and the boy wasted no time in crawling onto the bed. In return, Michaela moved over a little allowing room for Colleen to sit next to her as well. "How are you this morning?"
"We're fine, Dr. Mike. Lunch is almost done. I thought we'd have sandwiches, unless you would like me to heat up some soup from last night." Colleen said as she settled herself against the headboard.
"No, I believe we'll try sandwiches." Michaela smiled. It was a new day, and she felt like taking a challenge. Wrapping her arms around Brian, she turned her attention down to him. "Where's everyone else?"
"Sully went to get cleaned up and Matthew…"
"Is right here." Matthew finished his brother's sentence as he stepped into the room, followed closely by Sully. "Good mornin'."
"Good morning."
"How are ya?"
"Better." Michaela saw Sully move out of the corner of her eye, and when she turned to him, she saw his eyes dancing.
"Hey." He said simply, knowing that to her he said much more.
"Hey." She whispered back, more gently. Glancing between Sully and Dr. Mike, Colleen smiled at Matthew.
"I better finish the sandwiches."
"Let me help you, Colleen." Michaela asked, shifting in bed, however, she moved too quickly and the pain from her ribs shot through her body. Wincing slightly, she felt a familiar hand gently push her back to the bed. Looking up, she saw Sully's worried face standing over her.
Laying her hand over his, she gave it a quick squeeze.
"No ya ain't. You're stayin' in bed today." Sully said, no arguments allowed. Not that Michaela would have argued, slowly she realized that she would have to take things much slower. She wouldn't be able to just bounce back the way she usually could. Shifting her gaze between the three men that surrounded her, she knew that all of them agreed, however, they also knew her, and how hard it would be on her to stay in bed so long. They would do everything in their power to make this as easy as on her as possible. She was well taken care of. Raising her hands in surrender, she just smiled.
"No arguments." She said, and immediately saw the relief on Matthew and Brian's face. However, she couldn't help teasing them just a little. Reaching out to tickle Brian with as much strength as she had, she laughed. "But you're responsible for keeping me entertained."
Brian, who was giggling too hard to say anything, struggled to catch his breath. "I will Ma. I'll read you some of my book."
"What are you reading?"
"Rip Van Winkle. I can get it if you like." The boy's excitement was more than Michaela could say no to. She had missed him, missed that smile and his adorable little lisp.
"That'd be lovely."
As Brian scurried from the bed, he paused slightly and turned back to his ma. Looking at her intently, he scanned her face, shoulders, and hands before smiling broadly. "Hey Ma? Ya look bigger today."
Brian's words seemed random to Michaela who was taken aback by his words, not knowing what he meant. Looking to Matthew, she saw the way he nodded his head, and how Colleen had turned from the counter to smile at her. However, it was the pride in Sully's eyes that told Michaela that it was only she who was in the dark. They were once again united by what Brian had said aloud, and Michaela was fine with that. Looking back to her young son, she smiled as broadly as she could.
"Thank you." Michaela reached out and drew Brian to her, placing a tender kiss to the top of his head before releasing him to fetch his book. As Michaela settled back in her bed, she watched as the world around her began to return to some semblance of normalcy. It would be a long road ahead of her, and of course, there would be nothing easy about the journey she was embarking on, but she wasn't alone. She didn't have to have to find all the strength on her own. She had her family, and until she could find her own footing, they would carry her.
Thank you guys from reading! I'll be interested in hearing what you guys think!!