Warning: Mild sexual references, cursing.
Author's Note: In the Best of the Blues Brothers, and on the House of Blues Radio Hour, Dan Aykroyd and Elwood Blues are often seen and heard talking to one another. Nevermind the remarkable resemblance. It is purely coincidental. They are two separate people.
Another Author's Note: The Nerima Daikon Brothers are a pretty obvious anime spoof of the Blues Brothers. I think Elwood should sue.
Black Suits and Lawsuits
by Jo Z. Pierce
A man walks into a bar. He brushes away the smokey air, and coughs twice.
"I thought smoking in bars was illegal," he mumbles under his breath. He pulls aside the first waitress he sees and asks her a question. She points to a booth towards the back of the bar. In the booth is a man in a black suit, black fedora, and sunglasses. He's about 55 years old. He's smoking, and judging by the empty glasses on the table, he's been drinking. Alone.
"Elwood Blues?" the man asks, as he approaches the booth. Elwood looks up in surprise, and sits up a little straighter. He straightens out his thin black tie.
"Elwood Blues?" the man repeats, extending his hand in greeting. "I'm Mark Fitzgerald. Mr. Dan Aykroyd sent me. I'm a lawyer."
Elwood shakes the lawyer's hand, and his mouth drops open. The cigarette in his mouth is now perched on his bottom lip. It looks like it is about to fall off.
It had been quite some time since he needed a lawyer, and typically it was one appointed by the court. He wasn't currently in trouble. Except maybe for smoking in bars. Whatever the reason, he was a little surprised by the visit.
"Dan sent you?"
"Uh, yes. He said he owes you one."
Still a bit confused, Elwood looks over his shoulder, and lifts his right hand, motioning for another round of beer.
"So, Elwood. Can I call you Elwood?"
Elwood's lips curl upward just a tiny bit, and he gives a small nod of approval. With two fingers, and a cigarette held in between them, he waves them gently in front of Mark, telling him to continue.
"Yes, Elwood. Mr. Aykroyd said you left this message..."
As he speaks, Mark puts his briefcase on the table. Mark notices that Elwood has his own briefcase - black, soft, and worn out - sitting next to him in the booth. He then notices that Elwood has handcuffed himself to the briefcase. Mark stares for a moment at Elwood's left hand.
Mark coughs twice, partly to try to break the building tension, but mainly due to the smoke.
Elwood's eyebrows raise and he looks at his cigarette. He drops it into a beer glass. It sizzles as the lit end hits the honey colored dregs on the bottom of the glass.
"Um, yes... you left this message with his secretary: Nerima Daikon Brothers. You think I've got a shot?"
Mark opens his briefcase and pulls out a box of DVDs, and several stills of anime drawings. He places them on the table. The three characters have black fedoras, sunglasses, and wear suits. One is tall and thin. One is a little shorter, and a little louder. One is a chick with pink hair. The show is obviously a spoof of the Blues Brothers.
"Is this what you mean, Elwood?"
Elwood picks up one of the pictures, looks it over and nods.
"You think I got a shot in hell?"
"Well, maybe," Mark says, as the waitress brings over a pitcher of beer and a clean glass.
"Well, Elwood, I can see the resemblance... Black suits, ties, sunglasses and fedoras. Blues music... certainly. I can see it. The tall, thin quiet one. Soft spoken."
"Ichiro."
"Yes. That's you, I would guess."
"Ladies like him..." Elwood says, pointing to Ichiro's image. "That's the type chicks go for, right?"
"I guess..." Mark seems a bit uncomfortable. He's even more uncomfortable than when he noticed the handcuffs. "And the shorter, louder, more animated lead singer."
"And the girl," Elwood says, picking up a picture of a naked cartoon character with pink hair, covered in cash. He looks at her, raises his eyebrows, and purses his lips. "She's really hot." He follows that with a little laugh.
"Uh, Elwood. She's a cartoon."
Elwood shrugs. "She's still hot."
A bit speechless, Mark gathers the pictures up again.
"Ok, Elwood. There are some things to consider. This would be international, you know... so it will be a bit more difficult to make arrangements."
"Well, uh maybe Dan could spring, you know, to send me over to, uh, Tokyo, for a couple of days... you know, he owes me one."
Elwood knows that The Blues Brothers made Danny's career.
"I made him what he is, you know?" Elwood says, finishing up his glass of beer.
"Well, I will surely mention it to him..." Mark says, jotting a note down in a small pad of paper. "Now, I am not sure how much overlap there is between Japanese Law and American law. I will have to get some international lawyers in on this."
"Wha?" Elwood says, a bit taken back. "They say in the movie..."
"DVD," Mark politely corrects Elwood.
"Yeah, sure. They say it right in there. She's legal..."
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah... she's 19... says so. In the first episode..." Elwood taps a finger on the DVDs.
Mark blinks.
"Excuse me. What are you talking about Elwood?"
"The chick! With the pink hair," Elwood says, excitedly. It's the first time since Mark walked in that Elwood was smiling. "Dan's gonna arrange for us to meet, right?"
"Excuse me?!" Mark is in more shock than any man ever should be.
"Yeah, and if you BOTH say you think I've got a chance with her..."
Mark shakes his head.
"Elwood! Elwood! What are you saying? When you asked if you had a chance, that's what you meant?"
"Well, yeah!"
"Not a copyright lawsuit?" His hands start to flail in front of him.
Elwood smirks at Mark, a confused look on this face.
"Elwood, she's a cartoon character!"
"But she's smokin!"
"She's a cartoon character!"
"Wha? She's 19, ain't she?"
"She's... a... cartoon... character..." Mark pauses between each word for emphasis. Under pressure, the lawyer tries to remain calm.
"Did you see that skirt? And she likes the blues..."
Mark is silent for a moment or two. He is unsure what to say. Finally, he simply says the impossible.
"I'll talk to Dan."
Mark hasn't yet touched his beer. Now, he chugs his whole glass down in one long gulp. When he's done, he belches into his hand, stares at Elwood, and shakes his head in disbelief. He stands up, and holds his hand out for Elwood to say goodbye.
"Can I keep that naked picture, man?" Elwood asks, innocently, as he takes Mark's hand.
"Yeah. Sure, Elwood. Sure." Mark reaches into his briefcase and hands Elwood the anime stills. "You can have all of them."
Mark turns away from Elwood and the booth and heads for the front door. He coughs twice. As he approaches the door, he hears Elwood calling out after him.
"When you talk to Dan, tell him I can leave whenever."
Mark nods, and without looking back, waves goodbye.