Entry for the "Pop My Cherry" Contest
Title: I Will Love You
Words: 9,336
Summary: Edward ponders the consequences of his most difficult decision watching Bella get ready for the date with Jacob, while Bella listens to a song that brings recent memories and those struggling to remain forgotten to the forefront.
A/N: While this story is mostly canon, certain events have been changed to fit the succession of plot. Actual segments have been taken, where appropriate, directly from the exposition in New Moon, and the movie "Eclipse". No copyright infringement is attempted, intended, or implied. Even so, I hope Stephenie Meyer doesn't sue my ass, nor any of her minions.
Kisses and hugs to my pal and beta and for this story (at)BigRedImp who did a masterful job, to my pal Sabs (at)AlexisDanaan for sparking something which turned into the end, and my mentor (at)fngrcufs for suggesting I write this fic in the first place, and for making me write present tense. Ugh. ;)
Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight, but it owns me.
Part I:
EPOV
As I cling to the side of her window, she perches on the edge of the bed, lost in the thought process that will always be a mystery to me. More than any moment in previous months, I long to know what swirls about in that head of hers. Is she actually considering it? Has she decided?
I run over the consequences of her impending decision and their implications. Should I remain her constant shadow, content in just following her, spying on her every movement, every whim? A ghost of myself who selfishly can't let her go?
Could I? Again? Even after…tonight?
Her sudden movement takes me from having to answer, as she walks over to her desk, searches momentarily for a disk, and puts the CD in her player, not bothering with her earphones since Charlie and Billy are once again on a fishing trip. Returning to the bed, she resumes her previous spot on the edge dejectedly, her fingers clutching the mattress, her head leaning forward just enough so that her hair cascades down over her shoulders to gently touch the cheeks my fingers ache to caress again.
But the music starts, and my body seizes in recognition, a response to my already dead heart disintegrating into pieces. The soulful piano melody and lyric haunt me as I recognize it, and my core aches to think she's ever listened to it in my absence. A slow tear begins to fall down her cheek, as if in collusion with my body's reaction, and a deep sob causes her to wrap her arms around herself. My fingers instinctively reach out to the edge of the glass, longing to wipe away what I can only imagine is the purging of one of the countless notions now churning within her.
Oh Love, why? Why that song? Why now?
I glance at the window base. In less time than it would take for her to raise her head, I could be in front of her, kneeling, pleading for forgiveness, taking her in my arms, attempting to erase all doubt. Yes, I had left her, abandoned her, presupposing that it was for her own good, if only to keep her alive, to give her a long, happy life. In that short time, she had moved on, or seemingly so, running straight to him, the warmth of his embrace, the lips, his lips, that didn't long to press themselves to the smooth skin of her neck and taste. Drink.
Devour.
I nearly drop to the ground with the image, the thought making me quash a growl that threatens to reveal my very presence.
She did what I wanted, or at least what I thought I wanted.
But now, with this familiar melody bridging the gap of time, warping my good intentions, melting my resolve, I realize I'm balancing on a precipice, and not just literally.
Could my mere reappearance make her forget the recent passage of time? Could I so selfishly interfere now with what took these last long, arduous months to cultivate? What had been only the effort to preserve her humanity, her fragile life, her soul?
Even still, could she possibly forgive me? Is it me she really wants?
Or him?
My fingers dig into the wood trim of her window, leaving their impression and evidence of my internal struggle threatening to undo months of what now seemed like useless rationalization.
Part II:
BPOV
It is the song that would always remind me of him. Of what we almost had. Of what we could have been.
I sit on the edge of my bed, trying to compose myself because in just a few hours, my life would be changing forever - taking a new direction, forging a new path. A tiny voice inside my head that had started out soft and barely recognizable had strengthened over these past months, growing stronger, louder, nearly overcoming the one I most longed to hear. The other voice. His.
I glance around my room, taking note of the fact that everything would be different the next time I was in it and not just because of the new day's sunlight that would be filtering through the window. I would be different. The final tie cut, the last thin string of hope that I have carried these many months. Even as the tiny voice grew, and my feelings became recognizable, understandable, and acceptable, I still held on.
But no more.
I wipe the last drop of wetness from my cheek that I will ever shed for him. He will not invade my thoughts tonight. He will not prevent me from doing what he himself set in motion. He will never again be of consequence except a painful memory better left hidden away in the back of my mind.
I have a future with someone who is warm. Someone who loves me without any thought of hurting me, breaking me…killing me.
To think it started with two motorcycles and a way to hear him.
-x-X-x-X-x-X-x
"Um, Bella? You've got a huge cut on your forehead, and it's gushing blood," Jacob informed me.
I clapped my hand over my head. Sure enough, it was wet and sticky.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Jacob." I pushed hard against the gash, as if I could force the blood back inside my head.
"Why are you apologizing for bleeding?" he wondered and I tried to glance up, but the smell and the nausea were becoming too much.
"Jake, I–" I couldn't finish the sentence as Jake's body started to whirl in front of my eyes. He suddenly stood up, and I saw his shirt go up and over his head as my own started to fall.
"Bella!" I must've slouched, or fallen over, or something, because then next thing I knew I was cradled against bare skin, some material being held to my forehead. The last thing I remembered was Jake taking off his shirt and realized it was now being used to sop up my blood.
"Bella? Can you hear me?" My eyes fluttered adjusting to the light, as Jake took away his shirt.
"Yeah. I can hear you." I said, rather annoyed at myself.
"Oh, Bella," Jacob murmured, as his arms drew me closer and his cheek pressed against mine. "I should've never…we should've never…" he kept on near my ear.
"Jake, stop." His head drew back to look me in the eye. Those big brown pools of sincerity, friendship, and…
My eyes wandered his face, his forehead, his cheeks, and then back to his eyes, and I looked at him for what seemed like the very first time. The way he was looking at me, the way he was holding me, it made the residual pain that I'd been carrying, the hole that never closed, somehow diminish, if only a little. It made the voice in my head, the one that I heard not minutes ago tearing down a dirt road on a motorcycle at an exhilarating speed…silent.
My eyes traveled down from his face, over the taut tendons in his neck, to the bronze skin of his chest. For some reason, I wanted to touch it, and I raised my hand that had been resting in my lap to let my fingers feel what my eyes were admiring. It was smooth and soft, but chiseled and hard all at the same time, and the sensation was oh so different from the one that I had fantasized about in my head. The one that I'd dreamt of being cold and made of stone.
"Bella?" He asked, suddenly self-conscious.
I'd never bothered to imagine what lie under Jake's shirt, before. That is, until it was smack-dab in front of my face, my fingers lightly touching, my eyes following them fascinated.
"Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?" The minute I said it, I felt the familiar warmth spread to my cheeks, but I looked up at him anyway, and saw the questioning way he was searching my eyes and then my lips.
In that split second of non-thinking, I slowly raised my head to answer him, as his lips hesitantly lowered to mine. At first they were soft and uncertain, disappointingly cautious, until I felt his tongue press against my lips, and I opened willingly, almost without thinking. His arm behind my back drew me in closer as my hand ran up his chest to clutch just under the long hair behind his neck. Turning his head to the side, his tongue grew more insistent, and I let it, mimicking the motion of it. This kiss was not like his kisses - not doubtful, or scared, or timid in any way. It was insistent, passionate, and I found myself giving in to the current his tongue sent stirring through me.
Until reality set in. A fleeting thought of where Jacob had learned to kiss like this, with whom had he been practicing with, made me stiffen.
Bella, this is Jake you're kissing for crying out loud!
I pulled back way too quickly. "Jake. I…" I looked off in the distance, slightly breathless, and way too uncomfortable in his arms, but unable to move. I didn't know if he wanted to kiss me again, or if I wanted him to kiss me again, or what should happen next. All I knew is that whatever that was, whatever had passed through us, had awakened something that had been locked tightly away for these past few months.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that." He shook his head looking down, as he relaxed his arms, now only holding me in his lap, rather than up against that distracting body of his.
I felt guilty and excited all rolled up into one big ball of anxiety. A strange sensation came over me, like someone was watching us, and I tried to look around, but of course there was no one. Jacob had picked this lonely stretch of road for me, so no one would see, but also for my safety, and the safety of anyone who came across us.
"Jake, it's ok. Really." I couldn't let him think it was his fault, that I didn't want that kiss. I'm pretty sure that I did, although if asked, I would've been ashamed to admit it.
His head popped back up, his eyes once again on mine. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, until his confusion turned into a grin.
"C'mon. You just hit your head. You probably have a concussion, and won't remember any of this tomorrow." He lifted me up off the ground as if I weighed nothing, and started walking back to the truck.
"Jake?" I reached for his cheek, turning his face toward mine. "I'll remember."
Part III:
BPOV
I put the song on endless repeat, knowing tonight would be the last time I ever listened to it. It's Valentine's Day, and Jake has planned an evening for just the two of us. All I know is that we're going out to dinner, someplace nice and romantic. My little black dress drapes on my closet door, bought with the money I had earned at Newton's this last month. It will be worth it to see Jacob's face that first moment he sees me. I want to look beautiful for him tonight, or at least as close as I can come to it.
The memory of the first time I wore a beautiful dress for him flashes unwanted, the look on his face as I descended the stairs in the blue dress I had borrowed from Alice. But all too suddenly it's replaced by the disastrous last time I'd worn a dress – a stupid paper cut, Jasper's momentary lapse, the resulting change in him, and then just…leaving me.
My room is still as he left it, the empty spaces and holes that had held our pictures, his pictures, my memories. Even looking around at it now, I don't need the mementos to remind me of what he had been, of what we had been, for I can remember them all, as if they were yesterday. I glance at the ones of Jake and me that I've added over the last month, if only to cover the gaps that are like a metaphor for his absence.
Not so surprisingly, Charlie seems happy with their appearance as well.
I remember telling Charlie where Jake and I were going tonight. "Well great. You kids have a good time. But be careful." I crack a smile as I realize Charlie is all too ready to relinquish his daughter to what he apparently thinks is the more deserving of the two men that have been in her life. My gaze then falls upon the edge of my desk, where the wildflowers that Jacob gave me yesterday on our anniversary sit in a vase. Their dual significance just another reminder of how far I've come. And how little I've forgotten.
-x-X-x-X-x-X-x
"Well…" I began slowly. "I found this place in the forest once—I came across it when I was, um, hiking. A little meadow, the most beautiful place. I don't know if I could track it down again on my own. It would definitely take a few tries…"
"We could use a compass and a grid pattern," Jacob said with confident helpfulness. "Do you know where you started from?"
"Yes, just below the trailhead where the one-ten ends. I was going mostly south, I think."
"Cool. We'll find it." As always, Jacob was game for anything I wanted, if it meant we were together.
So with my new hiking boots, and Jacob sitting next to me in my truck, I drove to the very end of the dirt road, stopping near the sign that marked the beginning of the trailhead. It had been a long time since I'd been here, and my stomach reacted nervously. This might be a very bad thing, bringing Jacob here. But I wanted to wipe away the only memory I had of this place, and create a new one with Jacob, to ward off the demon that haunted my restless sleep, my waking thoughts, and what was left of my soul.
Jacob initially hadn't believed me when I pointed to the trail, or lack thereof, that was the route I took, but he checked the map and fell in step after determining with both his compass and the grid lines that he knew where we were headed. We hiked for quite a while, talking about Embry, and Sam, and I knew the discussion made him uncomfortable. He checked the compass every few minutes, keeping us in a straight line with one of the radiating spokes of his grid. He really looked like he knew what he was doing and it made me feel almost comfortable, aside from the fear that at any minute I would trip and fall on my face.
I could tell that I was slowing Jacob up, but he didn't complain. I tried not to dwell on my last trip through this part of the forest, with a very different companion. As if reading my thoughts, Jacob must've stopped and turned around. I hadn't noticed, my gaze fixed on the ground so I wouldn't trip over anything, and I ran right into him, my face meeting that solid mass of chest visible under the flimsy t-shirt he wore.
"Ufff. Jake…" his hands held my upper arms, not uncomfortably, but just enough to keep me from falling.
"Geez, Bells. I'm sorry. I thought you were farther behind me. I was afraid I was going too fast and losing you." I peeked up at him feeling awkward, his fingers still clutching my arms as he spoke. He was worried, I could tell by his expression, but his last sentence suddenly struck me. It was like it had a double meaning, although I wasn't sure if he meant it that way. We'd kissed before, pretty decent make-out sessions, but Jacob hadn't ventured any further, and neither had I. We both were testing the waters. I knew he was taking it slow because of him, because of the emotional wreck I had been. But Jacob had somehow pulled me through, and now I wanted more.
My hands that had been at my sides came up to rest on his hips. "Jake you could never lose me. I could see you if you were 100 feet in front of me, you're so big." I smiled to help him relax. Yeah, I was slow and clumsy, but it's not like I couldn't yell to tell him to wait up.
"Are you alright? You didn't hurt anything, did you? I'm like a brick wall." He smiled that megawatt smile, and I felt something go through me, not the familiar electricity like with… but more like the rays of the sun, filling me with their warmth. I watched as Jake's smile faded, and was replaced by something more serious, a yearning, and I felt the same sort-of yearning within me.
"Bella? Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking right now." The request made me tense up, as it had often been said to me by someone else. I let my arms travel around his waist to the small of his back, pressing my face into his chest, as his hands went around me, crossing around my shoulder blades. Wrapped like this, within the warmth of my personal sun, the feeling went away, and I felt safe. Safer than I had in many, many months.
"Jake, thank you." I softly said into his chest.
"For what? Stopping in the middle of the trail and letting you run into me?" I half-laughed at his attempt at humor.
"No. For this, for being here." I lifted my head to once again stare into his soft brown eyes. Eyes that weren't light golden, or nearly black, or veiled. For what I saw there made me slightly shiver. His hands slid up over my shoulders, flicking my hair to my back, cradling the sides of my face.
"I would do anything for you, Bells. Even find some meadow that you've only been to once. Even though you don't have a clue how to get there. Even though I'm wondering if it was all some big plot to get me out in the woods alone." At this he started to smile, but then stopped, glancing at my lips.
"Bella, you make me crazy, you know that? I want . . ." and then his lips came down to touch mine, and I met his on my tip toes. They were once again soft, inviting, and when I opened my mouth to let his tongue find mine, he picked me up off the ground, his hands cupping my bottom, my legs wrapping around his waist.
He walked with me, his tongue desperate and forceful, and mine just as much, until I felt him perch me on a large rock, his body pressing against mine as I laid back. I felt the heat of his breath as his lips traveled down my jaw, leaving soft opened-mouthed kisses over and down my throat, licking his way across my collarbone to the little hollow left exposed by buttons I'd neglected to fasten. My legs pulled him closer, wrapping him tighter to me. I wanted him close, but I didn't have a clue what I was doing, until I felt something against my abdomen and realized I must be doing something right.
Except for that once, I'd never thought about Jake having experience. It wasn't something we talked about. But the movement of his tongue against mine, the tender way he was holding me, pressing into me, his one hand under my shirt at the small of my back, certainly didn't indicate inexperience. Not that I had anything to compare it to.
He'd moved one of his hands from behind me, and it now worked up the row of buttons on the front of my shirt. His mouth again took mine, our tongues gliding, thrusting, faster and with more force than any of our previous kisses. I was lost in the moment, lost in the feel of his hard body against mine, until the front of me was exposed, and only my not-so-sexy white cotton bra was between us. The cool air against my skin made me gasp.
"Jake." I let out my breath in a needy whisper.
"Bella, you're so beautiful. I want to touch you. Can I . . . can I touch you?"
"Yes. Please. Touch me, Jake." I breathed again, wanting to feel his hand on me. His eyes searched my face as if trying to tell if I had really just said what I said, and finding no uncertainty, his lips came back, this time running softly over mine. His hand caressed my stomach until it came over my breast, cupping it, and the shock of it there made me hold my breath. He left my lips to look down at his hand, watching his thumb run tenderly over the cotton teasing my already hard nipple, causing me to take another deep breath and my eyes to close again.
"Jake . . ." as his name left my lips, his fingers pushed away the top of my bra, and his tongue took its place, licking over and then circling, sending sparks through me which seemed to go straight down between my legs. The hand that had been holding my breast now fumbled with the button on my jeans, as his mouth came back to find mine, his tongue licking over my bottom lip until I flicked it with mine. My hips arched to him as I felt something stir deep in my abdomen, a tightening, a need for . . . something. As if understanding what my body was trying to say, his hand went inside my undone jeans, under my boring cotton panties, until I felt a finger gliding over a place that had never been seen, let alone touched.
"Jake! . . ." I gasped.
"Bella." He took his lips from mine, and watched me as his fingers touched me, that spot that made my hips react, move up closer to his hand, and although I didn't know what I wanted, I knew I wanted it. His fingers started to rub up, down, around, when suddenly I felt one touch my entrance circling and my lower body started to tighten, contract or something, his eyes still piercing mine. I couldn't look away, but I couldn't maintain eye contact much longer.
"Please, Jake…" I begged, not knowing what for, but realizing only him and his wonderful fingers could give it to me. His eyes held mine as I felt his one long finger enter me, slowly pulling in and out, and my breathing stopped. A clenching feeling started to build within me from the way his fingers moved over me, inside me, my muscles, my thighs squeezing. As if he could feel it too, his mouth came down hard on mine, covering my low moan, until the movement of his fingers made me erupt, explode, rocketing me into orbit, wave after wave of the most incredible feeling washing over me. His fingers continued moving, causing my lower body to react and shake with each touch of that spot. I pulled at his neck, wanting his body closer, his tongue deeper, until the strength in my arms failed me, and I let them fall.
"Bella? Bella look at me." I hadn't realized my eyes were closed, but I opened them and his were staring back at me, a grin on his face.
"That was . . . you were incredible, Bella." Jake's grin grew into a full-fledged smile.
"Um, yeah. Ok." I smiled back, and then looked away, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. Again I felt like someone was watching us, but I shook it away, knowing full well no one could be around. I looked back at Jake, his grin still there, and I suddenly felt guilty. Guilty that I had . . . and he hadn't.
"But Jake, what about . . .?" My hand came up of its own volition, grabbing the waist of his jeans and tugging a little. I was suddenly tremendously curious, but doubly afraid. I had no idea what to do next. His face suddenly became serious and nearly withdrawn, his eyes moving to just passed my face and over my shoulder to focus on the rock behind my head.
"Bells, I don't want to do this here. I want you comfortable, on something soft, and not pushed up against the side of a rock."
"Jake, I'm…fine. Really I am. And you. You didn't . . . well, you know." I let my eyes drop to where my hand was, not comfortable or knowledgeable enough to say what I was thinking. If he was worried about a rock behind me, he didn't have to be because I barely felt it. I was more worried about what I was supposed to do next. Instead, my hand came up from where it had been holding his jeans, to the side of his face turning it towards me breaking his gaze from where it had been. I tried to tell him with my eyes, my expression, that I was fine, he was fine, when suddenly an irrepressible feeling of déjà vu washed over me, and his face flashed before me. I let my head fall to the inside of him so he couldn't see, my hand dropping on my chest, not wanting Jacob to notice any evidence of what had just happened in my mind.
"No, Bella. You deserve better than this. We deserve better than this." He said, reaching for the sides of my shirt, pulling them together. I let my legs drop from where they'd been around him as he lowered me to the ground, fastening my jeans and re-buttoning my shirt. Even in my disappointment, I knew he was right, and I had to admit that I felt less nervous. He walked a few steps away as I finished the last button on my shirt. I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed, frustrated, angry or all of the above.
"Jake," I said running up to him and wrapping my arms around him from behind. "I'm sorry. It's ok. You're right." As I slid to his side and looked up at him, he was staring straight ahead, so I turned to see where he was looking.
There, in front of us both, was the meadow.
Part IV:
EPOV
She's breathtaking. Walking about in her room in little black lace lingerie, it's all I can do not to climb through the window, take her in my arms, and run my fingers over all of her exposed, and unexposed, milky-white skin. The song still plays in the background, and I wonder why she continues to torture herself with it.
I know where tonight is leading, I've seen it all in his head, the romantic dinner, the returning here, the possibilities since Billy and Charlie are away on a fishing trip. The fantasies that have been on constant play and replay since he revealed to her part of his surprise for the evening, all involving her and what he wants to happen tonight. On more than one occasion these fantasies have made me wish to end him, the feeling similar but only slightly less deadly to that day in the meadow, our meadow, where he first touched her, made her . . . come. The experience that I wanted to give her, and now never could. The only thing stopping me floats unknowingly before my eyes, through a pane of glass, making a part of me stretch against the fabric of my jeans.
For months, I've watched them both, but mostly her, part voyeur, part guardian angel, wanting so desperately to keep my promise to myself and her. I remember the day that I glimpsed those initial months through his mind, her withdrawal, the deep dark circles under her eyes. I couldn't fault him for rescuing her from the bottomless pit she cast herself into upon my leaving. If I had only known earlier. If I had only returned sooner. Perhaps I wouldn't be wrestling with need for the predicament that sets herself in front of me. Like a tempting muse, an obligatory drug without which I cannot survive.
The advancement of their friendship into something more is all I could've hoped for. I try to tell myself that he is good for her, that he will keep her safe, that he won't have to fight against the urge every moment of every day to take the very essence that makes me want her. Crave her. Love her. Yet, I continually wonder if she would take me back. No, more like hope. If I just enter her room through this window. If I just drop to my knees and beg forgiveness. If I show her what she really means to me and how I let the better part of valor affect my decision and my actions…if her heart would remember and return to me.
It will be as if I never existed.
The memory of those words as the lie slipped over my tongue and met her beautiful ears pierces like Juliet's final dagger thrust. Why did it seem she believed me so easily? Why did she not deny it, refuse to accept it, fight for me, for us? Her actions distract me, as I watch as she pulls her long, silken hair up off her shoulders, and reveals the column of her neck. I long to run my lips over it. To feel her life pulsating through the vein at the side.
Why do I sit here, watching from a distance, asking myself why, when I have the power to set things to right, when I could fight back?
BPOV
I look at myself in the full-length mirror and try to imagine what his reaction would be if he was standing here in my room again. Turning sideways, I admire the halter-style dress, the deep v that emphasizes what little I have up front, and the way my shoulders and back are bare. I can almost feel the way his cold fingers would touch my warm skin and I flinch out of habit.
The song begins again, maybe for the last time. Jacob is picking me soon.
'Til my body is dust
'Til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
The words float over me and something near anger starts to build. "I can't think about him anymore!" I yell out loud, even though I'm only talking to myself. I step up to the mirror on a mission and stare into my own eyes. "Isabella Marie Swan, he is gone. Gone forever. He left you. He doesn't want you anymore." Even though I scream at myself, trying to make myself accept it, to admit it, deep down, I still don't believe it.
'Til the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
So I continue, attempting to accomplish out loud what my mind refuses to acknowledge. "You have Jake now. Jake…cares about you. He can make you…happy." I hear the words. I see the face in front of me and the tear that's threatening what little makeup I bothered to apply, as the song continues, the words hitting their mark.
But I need to know - will you stay for all time...
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart 'til the end of all time...
forever and a day
My hands cover my face because I can no longer look at the image in the mirror anymore. Back and forth I shake my head to rid him from my memory. No, you didn't stay. You left me, in the middle of a forest.
"Oh, Edward. Why?" I murmur into my hands, my shoulders slouch and the tears freely fall.
And I need to know - will you stay for all time...
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart 'til the end of all time...
forever and a day
I'd given my heart. No matter how hard I try, I'll carry him in it. Forever.
"'Til the storms fill my eyes, And we touch the last time, I will love you, love you..." I jump as I hear a voice softly singing, a low voice, as if it's standing right behind me. His voice. I realize it's not in my head.
I gasp, my hands drop to my sides, my eyes dart back to the mirror, and he is here, standing just over my right shoulder. His haphazardly strewn mass of gorgeous hair, the light golden eyes that hold my gaze, the chiseled jaw that's now set in a tight line, and I'm not imagining any of it. Edward.
He's here.
"I will love you, love you, …Bella."
"Edward!" I cry as I turn and throw myself into his arms, clutching around his neck with my hands, if only to make sure he's real and not some ghost my mind has conjured up in this last moment of indecision. His hand presses into the small of my back, hesitant at first, until both his arms are around me, clutching me to him almost painfully.
My fingers gingerly come up to his cheeks, holding that beautiful face again in my hands. "Is it really you?" I whisper as his hands mimic mine, their coldness not unwelcome as I press my cheek to one of them.
"Yes, Love. It's really me. Oh, Bella." And his arms wrap around me again, pressing my wet cheek to his chest. "I've been such a fool."
"Oh, Edward, I can't believe you're really here. That I'm holding you. That you came back." I mumble into his shirt to make myself believe.
"I couldn't stay away any longer. I'm…I'm sorry I left you the way I did. It was heartless, a colossal mistake. I –"
"Shhh." I say, lifting my head, and putting my finger to his lips. "Kiss me, Edward. Kiss me like you mean it. Kiss me like you never have before or that you may never again."
His lips meet mine with a force it almost hurts, but it's a good hurt, his hands sliding over the bare skin of my back, the cold touch making me shudder. I welcome it, embracing him tighter still. I feel his tongue touch my lips and without hesitation, I welcome it. Touching it with my own, he doesn't tense, he doesn't pull away. Until this moment, I realize I have never known the taste of him, the sweetness that is my Edward. His hand flies under my hair, gripping my neck, as his other arm wraps me in his embrace. This is where I belong, this is where he belongs, as our tongues attempt to make up for all the months we've been a part.
"Edward, all I ever wanted is to be with you. For it to be you." His eyes search my hair, the sides of my face, as his fingers trace the outline. It's as if he hasn't seen me in decades, rather than mere months.
"Bella, I can't be without you anymore. I've tried. I can't . . . stay away," and as the words cross his lips, he drops to his knees, his head bowed.
"Please forgive me. Please understand that I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us. I know now that it wasn't. I need to know I'm not too late, that I haven't hurt you too much. Because if you have moved on, as I meant for you to, that would be… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. I just need you to know that I love you with everything I have, everything I am, and even everything I'm not. I can't go on without you. But you need only say the word, and I'll be gone. Don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" he whispered.
"Edward, stop." My hands press the sides of his face up to look at me. My Edward, here, kneeling in front of me, the mere sight so takes my breath away, I barely hear what he just said to me and make a note to myself to ask him to repeat it later.
A tiny voice in my head breaks in, demanding to be heard. But what about Jake? You have feelings for him, too, don't you?
But an even stronger voice, the one that I had struggled these many months to suppress, the one that held the key to my heart overcomes. Jake is not here, and Edward is back. He's kneeling in front of you. He said he loves you, that he can't go on without you. There is no question. No competition. No decision for my heart to make.
"Edward. My Edward." I whisper, as my fingers weave and caress through his beautiful hair. I wait for the beginning of the song that is repeating yet again, and the line that delivered him back to me, speaking the words to him as they're sung to both of us. "'Til the storms fill my eyes, and we touch the last time, I will love you." His hands reach behind my thighs pulling me to him, as his eyes close in relief and acceptance, a small smile uplifting the corners of his lips, until his head rests against my stomach.
My fingers clumsily started to undo the back of my dress.
-x-X-x-X-x-X-x
EPOV
My dead hearts swells as my eyes close to the words she just spoke to me. She forgives me, and it's sweeter than the most beautiful music I've ever heard. I open my eyes when a hint of fabric tickles the skin at the top my forehead. I look up to see the right side of her dress down, Bella standing inches from me, the black lace that had been taunting me from afar now inches from my face.
"Bella, I…"
"Edward. I want you. I want you now. Do not say you will hurt me. There is no possible way with what you are feeling now, with what I am feeing now, that you would ever hurt me, or that you ever could." She lets the other half of the halter fall, revealing the top half of her body to me, and I realize this moment is everything I want it to be, reconciled it to be, just moments before from outside her window. Her sweet scent nearly overcomes me, the smell of her arousal reaching me, and making me swallow the venom in the back of my throat. But I only have to gaze into her eyes, over her pale skin, to the pulsating point in her neck, and comprehend how its rhythm speaks to me like the voice of an angel, and how capable I am of being with her, of wanting to be with her and not hurt her. I had already done it for months, defied the odds, and not taken a single drop from the temple of hers that I so wanted to worship with my hands, my body, my soul. And again something surges inside me, a love I have never known, or will know again, and the realization is overwhelming.
Her hands slide under my jacket taking it down my arms, my hands going of their own volition to my sides to let it fall from me. Her fingers start undoing the buttons of my shirt, and I let them. I can no longer fight what I want, just as I could no longer stay away from her.
My hands take the sides of her dress and pull it down. As it hits the floor, I reach up to run my fingers over the satin and lace that tortured me for hours from where it had been out of reach.
"Edward," she sighs, as her fingers cease their ministrations on my shirt, and she lets my touch engulf her. I suddenly stand to rip my shirt from me, so fast she doesn't see because her eyes are still closed in yearning. I take an extra half second to remove my jeans, so that we're equal in undress.
"Bella, my love. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my existence. Let me make love to you now. Let me show you." I race to stand once again in front of her clad only in my underwear. Her eyes pop open, and look down my body, slowly taking in my near nakedness, and stop in the center of me, looking at me stretching through the thin fabric that separates what I'm about to give her. She reaches out a tentative hand, her fingers hesitating, and then cupping me, the sensation causing me to take a deep breath.
"Yes, Edward. Make love to me. Now." Within one of her breaths, I've picked her up and carried her to the bed, laying her in it as if she is the thinnest piece of glass, the finest of china. I press soft kisses to every part of her face, her neck, her clavicle, until my hand reaches around her neck and down to her hips, ripping the material in my hands, ridding her of every last piece of clothing separating us. I want to feel her warm skin against my cold, I want to marvel at everything that is my Bella, I want to savor every last inch of her.
I want to make her mine and rid her memory of him.
I feel her smile even before I see it. "Um, don't you think it's rather unfair I'm laying here naked and you –" as I look up from worshipping her breast, she juts her chin towards my remaining underwear.
"Your wish is my command, Love." I'm off the bed, shredding my boxer briefs, and back hovering over her in the time it takes her to blink.
"Edward, I want to . . ." her hesitant hand reaches down towards me, until I feel her fingers wrap around my bare skin, her touch tentative but resolute. The smooth palm of her hand claims me, and my body trembles in response.
"God, Edward, is that going to . . ." her face suddenly turns worried.
"We'll take it slow, Love. I have to. I have to make very sure I'm in control at every moment." I offer a smile of reassurance, almost more for myself than for her, as I realize that she had never touched him in this way.
"Ok. I trust you, Edward. Please know that." She says, and the feeling is doubly conveyed by the relaxing of the muscles on her face.
I move to the side of her, letting my fingers run over the skin of her stomach and up to her breast opposite of me. I softly run them over it, before looking up to see that her eyes are closed. My tongue runs over the nipple closest to me, feeling it harden in response, and I can hear her heart beginning to race, her quick intake of breath. The monster makes his presence known, luring me with urge to bite, and I squash him back by opening my eyes again to the sight before me. Neither the monster, nor the memory of another mouth on her this very same way, will keep me from her.
"Bella?" I lift my mouth to look at her.
"Yeah?" she whispers.
"Love, are you alright?" her eyes open.
"I'm fine, Edward. More than fine. Please. Don't stop." She replies closing her eyes once more.
I trail my one hand from her breast, slowly down over the satin skin of her stomach to the inside of one thigh, then between her legs, feeling her heat, her wetness. Her body moves closer to mine, her hips responding to my touch. My mind flashes a memory of his hand, his fingers, as they had been on her, in her, in our meadow. He'd nearly lost his life that day, and at this moment, I recognize what a mistake it would have been. I suppress an instinctive growl as I realize I will get something infinitely more tonight than he will ever possess.
From everything I've read, everything I've studied, I know what I'm supposed to do for both of us to be ok. But the monster in me is watching, peering from just the outer edges, waiting to overtake me. I cannot let him.
Her hands run over my arms, her fingers over my chest, and her touch momentarily takes me over. The sensations of her warm skin exploring my coldness is as soft as a feather, yet makes me harder than I'd ever thought possible, and I feel as though I could come with just the contact.
"Edward, I love you. So much." She softly says.
"As I you, Love." I mumble into her oh so perfect breast as my lips, tongue, and teeth continue their exploration. "You are perfect, Bella. Simply perfect."
I know I need to make her body ready for me, so my fingers continue to circle her, her hips pressing up to my hand, instinctively knowing what they want, even if her mind doesn't. Her breathing is faster, the sounds springing from her tell me she's nearly ready. I slowly find her entrance with middle finger, teasing it, and I stop my suckling of her breasts to again gaze into her eyes.
"Edward, please. I . . . want you. Please." She whispers as her eyes open to plead with me more.
"Bella, I don't want to hurt you. I have to–"
"Edward, I know what's going to happen. I know it will hurt. Probably a little, maybe a lot at first. But I can't wait any –" I press a second finger into her if only to stop her from saying what my body is telling me as well. Back and forth and in circles I move my fingers inside her, both only half way, helping her build, trying with all my knowledge to give her what she needs, all the while suppressing the monster who would have me destroy her.
I smile away my inner turmoil and tenderly kiss her lips, sucking her top one into my mouth. "So impatient. So stubborn." I kiss her again, running my lips along her jaw to lick just under her ear.
"Relax, Bella. We have all night, and I want you to remember this forever." I whisper into her ear.
BPOV
But I can't relax, I want him so badly. I regrettably remember the feeling of Jake's fingers inside me, of the way they made me feel, and I want to erase it with the sights and the touch of only Edward. Edward's fingers. Edward inside me.
The familiar feeling starts to tighten within me, my muscles beginning to clench. "Edward, it's –" as if knowing what I'm trying to say, he moves over me, hovering, and I look down to see his hardness as it moves over me where his fingers had just been.
"I'm going to do this as slowly as I can, Love, so it doesn't hurt you. Please tell me at any point if I am." I just nod my head, only really able to concentrate on my body's reaction to his finger still rubbing me, my lower body lifting in response.
I feel him at my entrance slowly push in and I take a deep breath.
"Relax, Bella." I hear him say, but all I can think is Edward is inside of me, he's making love to me, and how I want more. He's slowly pushing in and pulling out and my mind knows he's trying to be careful, trying to protect me and I nearly scream out in frustration, until he starts to push further, and I feel a pulling.
"Bella, this is . . . this is where it might –"
"Edward, just . . . do it already." I nearly cry, the anticipation almost overwhelming me, but a sudden thrust from him and I wince as I feel a twinge and Edward stops. I realize he's panting. His hand comes up to my face, beckoning my eyes to his, and his lips caress mine.
"I'm ok. It's ok." I say through short breaths. He waits a few moments, and I assume it's for me to get used to him, or for him to find his control. I don't know. I'm not sure. Until he starts to move slowly again, testing me, watching my face, as I gaze up into his eyes. I notice that they're pitch black now, and I realize that it's taking everything he has to make sure that he doesn't hurt me. I bring my hands to his shoulders, grasping, using my will to reinforce his.
"Edward, you're not hurting me. Let go." Everything I have, everything I can give, suddenly wants to make this as good for him as he is for me, even if he thinks otherwise. He starts to thrust faster, and I moan as my body starts to move with him. I bend my knees on either side of him, and then wrap one leg and then the other around him. I can't get him close enough, as the muscles in my abdomen and lower begin to tighten again.
"Edward . . . I" I need to tell him, I have to let him know I recognize the feeling, and as if he can read my mind, I feel the fingers of his one hand touch the spot, my spot, as his thrusts come even faster, our moaning, grunting, melding together in beautiful harmony.
"Bella" is all he has to say, when suddenly I feel the familiar burst within me, my muscles clenching and unclenching around him. He thrusts once more, and I can feel him come undone inside me, both of his arms now at my sides supporting his weight. I let the feelings engulf me as Edward presses soft kisses to the tops of my breasts, my nipples, anywhere his lips can touch.
"Oh, Bella." He says, as he wraps me in his arms, pulling me on top of him. But all I can think is I survived. I'm still in one piece, and feeling all sort of fuzziness and electricity shooting through me. I lay still, short breaths of satisfaction and contentment joining the feelings overcoming me to which there are no words. Edward doesn't move, doesn't make a sound, and I notice the silence below my ear where his heart should be pounding like mine.
Through closed eyes, I feel his lips press against the top of my head. "Bella, are you ok? Are you hurt? Did I? Was I?" I hear the worry in his voice.
But I can't lift my head, the only sound I'm capable of is "Shhhh." I exhale into his chest. I won't admit to him that I'm already sore, that I can feel something tinge, because the rest of me feels that if I died right now, it would be a good way to go.
I lay on top of him until my breathing returns to relative normal, his cool fingers trailing up and down my spine, the tingling along the trail matching the tingling between my legs. More so than any other moment, I would remember this one. Lying across Edward, our legs entangled, warm skin to only cool skin now. I can't ever remember being happier or more alive.
x-X-x-X-x-X-x
EPOV
Her cellphone rings in the background and I go to grab it.
"No, Edward. Don't." She snuggles back into me as I reach over to the bedside table anyway. The caller ID shows "Jake". With every fiber of my being, I refrain from crushing the phone in my hand.
"It's Jake." She doesn't respond, and I momentarily wonder if she's fallen asleep. "I think you should at least answer, or he might worry. Or worse yet, come over here." The thought of opening Bella's front door wrapped in nothing but happiness is suddenly nothing if not intriguing. I try to hide my grin, but I can't.
"I can always answer it for you." I let the offer hang amidst the haze of lovemaking still over us.
"Edward, I don't think . . ." I don't let her finish, knowing full well I don't want to waste this golden opportunity.
"Bella's phone." I calmly answer, letting my growing smirk speak through the phone. Bella's head rises so quickly from my chest her beautiful hair masks her face, until her hand reaches to pull one side back behind her ear, looking more than slightly miffed. Her swollen lips mouth Edward to me as I listen to the shock on the other end of the phone.
"Uh, hello? Bloodsucker? Is that –? Why are you –? What are you –?" There's a slight shuffling on the end, as if the receiver has been muffled.
"Yes, Jake?" The satisfaction grows inside me at his reaction and it's secondary only to what I had just felt, what I'd given Bella, just minutes before.
"Put her . . . on the phone. Now." The words come out as though he said through clenched teeth. I hold the phone out to her.
"He wants to speak with you." I say as I kiss her forehead, running my hand over her spine and down to her bare bottom. "Make it quick, Love." Although her expression is still cross, understanding dawns and a slow grin tickles the corners of her mouth.
She takes the phone from me with a decided flick of her hand, and an even more pronounced sigh.
"Jake, I . . . What? Oh. Ok." I can hear him as he speaks to her. He's calling to tell her he's sick, and wouldn't be able to make it tonight. Her voice fades on the last word, and I wonder if it's because she's disappointed.
He continues. "But it sounds like it doesn't matter anyway. Cullen's back, eh. Well that explains it."
"Explains what, Jake?" I sense as the direction of her anger changes from me to him.
"Nuh . . . nothing. Bella, I can't believe you. I can't believe you're doing this." Again, the phone is muffled.
"Jake?" Bella sits up more, resting on the bent arm that's now in the middle of my chest.
"Ugh! I mean, how could you? I don't get it. What we had, wasn't it–"
"Jake . . . stop." She sighs into the phone, and then looks up at me, her brown eyes completely focused on mine. "It was always him. It will always be him. I'm . . . I'm sorry." She says rather decidedly, handing me the phone. I click it shut and put it back on the bedside table, as she lays her head back on my chest, our song still playing as it would be for the rest of the weekend.
"Before you say anything Edward, that was not the way I wanted that to happen." She grumbles into my chest.
"I'm sorry, I just couldn't . . . resist." I say through my still plastered-to-my-face smirk.
"Hmmm." She says as she moves her hand up to my shoulder and once again I think she's going to sleep.
"I will always love you, Bella." I whisper again into the scent of her hair.
She lifts her head once more to look at me, a slow grin teasing her face as she does. "Then, show me again, Edward."
A/N:
Thanks for reading.
The song is "I Will Love You" by Fisher.