Battle of the Sexes
Four Weeks Until Valentine's Day
"It's over, Joker," Batman said, standing over the Clown Prince of Crime with his fist raised. "Your insane plan ends right now…"
"Just what about my plan is so insane?" demanded Joker, wiping the blood from his lip. "You don't think Gotham would be improved by turning City Hall into an amusement park? You can't tell me that wouldn't bring a lot more happiness than those politicians ever could!"
"I think the animatronic clowns are probably the very definition of insanity," retorted Batman.
"Are you talking about the actual clowns, or the politicians?" chuckled Joker. "They look kinda like animatronics to me! No real human beings talk the way they do!"
"I'm not discussing your ridiculous plan with you!" snapped Batman. "Just tell me where you've taken the mayor, and I might spare you some pain…"
The threatening moment was interrupted by a strange beeping. "Is that a bomb countdown?!" demanded Batman.
"I think it's your cell phone," said Joker, nodding at his utility belt. "It's not coming from me."
Batman said nothing, keeping his fist raised while his other hand went into one of the pockets of his utility belt to answer the ringing phone. "Hello? Yes, speaking. Well, I do have a cold right now, which explains why I don't sound like him," he snapped, angrily. "Ok, thank you. Thanks for letting me know. Bye."
He hung up the phone, replacing it in his belt. "Now…you were about to tell me where the mayor is…" he began.
"Who was on the phone?" asked Joker.
"None of your business!" snapped Batman.
Joker sighed. "Well, the only way I'm talking is if you talk first," he said, settling down and crossing his legs. "A sorta information exchange. You tell me who was on the phone, and I tell you where the mayor is."
Batman growled. "It was a restaurant I'm booking for…Valentine's Day," he muttered. "Just confirming my reservation."
"You and me?" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I'm touched, Batsy!"
"Not you!" snapped Batman. "Me and my girlfriend, obviously!"
"Is that still the stray cat?" asked Joker. "She gets around so much that I forget when you two are on or off."
"It is Selina, not that it's any of your business," snapped Batman. "Now tell me where the mayor is!"
"He's safe, Batsy," said Joker. "Harley's looking after him at the dump. Again, a fitting place for a politician, wouldn't you say?" he added with a grin.
Batman said nothing, grabbing Joker by the back of his collar and dragging him toward the Batmobile. "Watch the hands," commented Joker, as Batman handcuffed him and shoved him inside. "I have a girlfriend too, Batsy, but people will talk!" he giggled.
"Yes, they will," sighed Batman, as he started the engine and headed toward the dump.
"So which restaurant is it that you've booked?" asked Joker.
"Like I'd be stupid enough to tell you so you can crash it," retorted Batman.
"Don't flatter yourself – I have plans with my girlfriend on Valentine's Day," sniffed Joker. "I was looking for a restaurant recommendation, actually."
"Anyone but mine, how's that?" asked Batman.
"But I can't know which is yours unless you tell me, can I?" asked Joker with a grin.
"I'm not telling you," snapped Batman. "Anyway, it'll be fully booked already."
"Someplace fancy and exclusive, huh?" asked Joker, casually.
"I already said I'm not telling you," retorted Batman. "But you better get to booking something," he added. "Valentine's Day is only a month away."
"Yeah, and Harley will kill me if I don't do anything for it," said Joker, nodding. "Stupid women and their stupid obsession with stupid holidays. Still, what are you gonna do?" he sighed.
"Dump your girlfriend so she can find a better boyfriend?" suggested Batman.
Joker snorted. "Yeah, right. There's no one out there who'd make a better boyfriend than me, Bats. Not even you, although don't think I haven't thought about it," he chuckled.
Batman sighed again. "I kid, I kid," said Joker. "Still, I don't imagine I'll be able to do any restaurant booking in Arkham," he added, sighing wistfully.
"You get a phone call," retorted Batman. "And you're not guilt-tripping me into letting you go so you can book a Valentine's Day meal for your girlfriend."
Joker shrugged. "Worth a shot," he muttered, leaning back. The car approached the dump and Joker sighed. "Well, we'll probably be outta there in a week or so anyway. That's plenty of time to think about Valentine's Day, right?"
Two Weeks Until Valentine's Day
"So that's the plan, J," said Two-Face.
"I just don't really see the joke in taking out a bridge," retorted Joker, his arms folded across his chest.
"It's not just any bridge – it's the 22nd Street Bridge," said Two-Face. "See, it's got two 2s in there."
"And I repeat, I don't see the joke," said Joker.
Two-Face sighed. "Look, I know it's not funny per se, but that bridge is one of the main routes into Gotham. If it was disrupted somehow, Gotham would lose millions in business and tourism…"
"Really, that's the plan?" interrupted Joker. "Hinder Gotham's economic growth a little? There's nothing funny about economics. Plus they already got Batman hindering its economic growth by destroying vast swathes of the city in pursuit of us."
"Can't you just do something for once that's not a joke?" asked Two-Face.
"It's sorta my thing, hence the name," retorted Joker.
"J, you have the most explosives on hand outta any of the supercriminals, and I need a lot to blow up this bridge," said Two-Face. "So why don't you just help a pal out? I'll pay you…"
"Do I look like I care about money?" demanded Joker.
"No, but with Valentine's Day coming up, it might be good to have some extra cash to splash out on Harley a little," said Two-Face. "Women love that."
"So what are you doing for Pammie?" asked Joker.
"Pammie's not my girlfriend," said Two-Face. "She made that very clear – we are not in a relationship, and therefore I am not obligated to do anything for her for Valentine's Day."
"She said that?" asked Joker.
"Well, no…not in so many words," said Two-Face. "But Valentine's Day is a thing couples do, and Pammie has specifically said that we are not a couple. She says labels were invented by the patriarchy in order for men to control women by labeling them as their girlfriends, hence their property."
"No fooling?" said Joker. He whistled. "I gotta meet this patriarchy someday – they sound fun. But that's a pretty sweet gig you got going on there, Harv. Fairly regular sex but no formal commitment. And even better, no stupid romantic gestures that women in relationships always want."
"Yeah, it's…much better than a real relationship," said Two-Face, in a tone which was clearly trying to convince himself. "But I guess it does save time and money, and it lets me make my own plans during the holidays."
"So you're spending Valentine's Day blowing up this bridge?" asked Joker. "I gotta say, it doesn't necessarily sound a step up from stupid romantic gestures."
"The coin came up with the plan, not me," snapped Two-Face. "I just do what it says, ok?"
"So in that way, the coin is your woman, huh?" chuckled Joker.
"Shut up!" snapped Two-Face. "I bet it's better than your plan for Valentine's Day anyway!"
"Nah, at least I get good food," said Joker. "And the opportunity to cause a little chaos among the rich snobs in a fancy restaurant."
"Where have you booked?" asked Two-Face.
"Nowhere yet – I've been locked up," retorted Joker.
"You better get on it – Valentine's Day is only two weeks away, and things are probably already booked pretty solid," said Two-Face.
"What are you, Harley nagging me about this now?" demanded Joker. "I'll get it done, ok? If everywhere's booked, I'll just tell Harley that I preferred a romantic Valentine's Day in, snuggling with her in front of a fire I set in a fireworks warehouse. She'll love that."
"Whatever – it's not my problem," said Two-Face, shrugging. "But if you forget to do anything for Valentine's Day, it'll probably be yours, and the last problem that you'll ever have. Harley's not the kinda girl who's gonna forgive you for something like that – she'll probably kill you."
"Hey, I know how to handle my own dame, all right?" snapped Joker. "First of all, Harley would forgive me anything. And second of all, I'm not gonna forget. You can't go anywhere in this town without seeing hundreds of signs about Valentine's Day sales, and you can't turn on the TV without a hundred commercial reminders. But I'm a busy guy at the moment – I got a million meetings since busting outta Arkham, I got a battle with the Bat planned for the next three nights, and I got to make some more Joker toxin on a mass scale. These are all higher priorities than calling some stupid restaurant to make a dinner reservation for some dumb, fake holiday with a woman I already have dinner with every night. Harley will understand that if I don't get around to making plans for Valentine's Day. She loves me, and she understands that a man with as busy a lifestyle as mine has sometimes gotta put business before pleasure, because she's a reasonable gal."
"Sure she is," said Two-Face, wondering how many days after forgetting Valentine's Day the Joker would be allowed to live. He was guessing less than two.