Everything is not as it seems.
Chapter 1 – Realization
The crackling fire, the soft velvet, the silence of the house. I sit here alone. I seem to be alone a lot these days. Scorpius is at my parents most of the time, I wonder if he still knows that I'm his father.
I look at the drink in my hand. Why do I drink when I have nothing to be sad about? My wife died, sure, but I never loved her. Pansy. She loved me. I never loved her. Sometimes I sit and wonder why I even married her. I suppose it was to prove a point to Harry that I can have a normal relationship with someone. When I found out Pansy was pregnant I felt, for once, happy. My feelings for her stayed the same, nothing changed there. When Scorpius was born I felt a strong need to protect him and love him forever. I was so proud of him. It was a few weeks later that Pansy died.
It struck me more then I expected. With her gone, I begun to realise how much I needed her. I say I never loved her but she was my best friend, someone who I could talk to, someone who understood me. She knew the reason why I married her and she didn't mind. I got to prove myself and she got the guy she wanted. She didn't mind that I didn't want her in the same way that she wanted me.
The wine glass is now empty and I am too lazy to grab the half-empty bottle on the coffee table. I sigh and slide back in my arm chair. My family and friends expect to find me drunk, slumped in this chair with a scruffy suit and stubble. I will never let myself get in that state. I may be lonely, I may be upset but I am only 22 so I will not waste my life in such a pathetic way.
Scorpius will be coming home tomorrow. I've not seen him in 3 days. My parents only take him away for a few days at a time. They think that by doing this I will get some peace. They are wrong. I want to have my son around all the time. He is the only person in this world that I truly care about. He looks so much like me. Some people think he's a clone. I think I'll treat him. I'll take him to the beach. Yeah, the day after tomorrow I'll take him. The last time we went out anywhere was… never now I come to think about it. I have to cheer up for him. My life maybe on the down but I don't want it to affect him. I don't want him to be the person I was.
At Hogwarts I roamed around like I was king. I was always trying to be better then everyone else. I had my little gang and my bodyguards. I was seen as fearful by some because of my family name. I acted upon that. I became a dickhead because of that. I was so far up my own arse. The only people that ever got me down off my high horse were Harry and his friends. They saw through my shit. When I first met Harry he turned me down for friendship. Ever since that day I tried my best to piss him off and make him look like the loser. I should have known that that would never work. He was far too famous for that and also it didn't help that he always did these amazing acts of bravery. I hated him back then. I hated him for the status he had and the understanding friends he had. I thought he had it all but when I thought about it I realised that he must have felt so alone. No caring family, no parents. No wonder Molly Weasley took him under her wing.
I think Harry became an obsession of mine. At every chance I got I had to confront him, I had to try to make some sly comment or some ridiculous spell. I could tell that sometimes I got under his skin, that I had gone too far. In our second year I had to duel against him. At this point in time everyone knew that Harry and I didn't particularly like each other and so this duel was going to be very interesting. I felt so proud of myself when I cast Serpensotia and saw Harry's face when the snake appeared. When he started talking to it all I could think of was that he was a freak. Later that night I became jealous, that now he had something else that was amazing and I didn't have it. I knew I could never have it; it's not something you can just learn.
In the 4th year I realised what I was doing. It was when Harry confronted me after I told him that my father and I had made bets on him. I jumped out of the tree and I thought I had the upper hand. I didn't realise that Mad-Eye (Barty Crouch Jr.) was watching. He humiliated me in front of everyone and I saw Harry laugh. After Professor McGonagall transformed me back I ran. I left my friends, I had to be on my own. I cried my heart out. All I could think was why was he laughing at me? Why does this hurt so much? That was when I realised what I was feeling. I had fallen in love with Harry James Potter, and it was killing me.
At the beginning of my 6th year Voldemort had asked me to complete a task which he knew that I would not be able to fulfil. There were two parts to this task. To get the deatheaters into Hogwarts and to kill Dumbledore. One day I stressed out and went into the boys bathrooms and threw water on my face. I looked in the mirror at myself. I looked so thin, so pale. Those tasks were taking the life out of me. Harry hated me more then ever. He came into the bathroom and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand conversation with him. I told him to leave me alone but he wouldn't. We cast spells at each other. The bathroom was torn apart. Then Harry cast sectumsempra. That really ripped me apart. I felt like I was dying. I lost hope, I wanted to die so then I wouldn't have to go on living knowing that Harry hated me. But I had to be saved didn't I?
The fire is low now and almost dead. I'm crying and I shouldn't be. I was always told to leave the past in the past. But I can't. I can't change what happened. Back in those days I knew that Harry would never see me like I saw him. Just like the situation between me and Pansy.
I was in my final year when Harry found out. I was home for Christmas and I had an argument with my Aunt Bellatrix. I had to get out of the manor. I ran to the river that runs past our manor. I sat there and just looked into the water. It was getting dark and becoming quite cold. I was just about to go back inside when I heard the pop. I looked around and saw Harry. I got to my feet immediately and just stared at him. I thought I was hallucinating until he spoke.
"What are you looking at?"
Then I knew it was him.
"Well I was just wondering why your in my garden?"
"In you're what?"
"Garden Potter. That's my manor up there. You're on my property and I think it should be you who should explain yourself."
"I had to get away."
"Away from?"
"None of your business Malfoy."
"Where have you been all year? You should be at Hogwarts."
"And again, it's none of your business."
He began to annoy me terribly and I began to shake. Harry noticed this from me which made matters worse.
"Did I strike a nerve Malfoy? I bet it really bugs you that you're not allowed to know what's going on when you're meant to have the upper hand."
"Yes actually it fucking does."
"Oh, muggle language. I always thought you didn't like muggles."
"What ever Potter. Now piss off, you're not meant to be here."
"I can be where I like."
"No you can't."
I took a step towards him. He then took a step towards me and said;
"Oh really Malfoy?"
"Yes, really."
"Well make me leave then."
At this point we were just a foot apart. We were glaring at each other, the tension building. Then I had to go and make matters worse. I went forwards and let my lips come into contact with Harry's. At first Harry didn't do anything then when the initial shock past he pushed me off him and I landed in the shallow part of the river.
"WHAT THE FUCK MALFOY? WHAT THE FUCK?"
I had frozen. I couldn't believe I had just done that. I put my head in my hands.
"ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT INSANE? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT?"
"Stop shouting please."
"WHY SHOULD I? YOU JUST KISSED ME?"
"Please, I don't want my family to hear. You don't know how bad it would be if they found you here."
"Ok I'll stop shouting. Why did you kiss me?"
"Oh Harry, I wish I could tell you but then I would fear that you would hate me even more."
"I don- did you just call me Harry?"
"Yes, that is your name isn't it?"
"Yes. It was just strange that you called me by my first name."
"Well I don't hate you."
"I don't hate you Malfoy, I just don't like the way you are. You could do so much better with yourself."
"I love you Harry."
"What the? I say something sort of positive and now you love me!"
"I've loved you for a long time Harry."
Harry began to back away and I started to get worried. I realise now that I shouldn't have told him that way. I leant forward and put my glass on the table. I got out of my chair and headed to my room. Once there I started a fire in the fireplace. I opened the draw in my desk and took out the bunch of letters that were tied up with string. I unfastened it and picked up the first letter. They were all from Harry.
1st January
Draco,
What happened 2 weeks ago is a serious issue. I don't understand why you think you love me. I think this needs to be sorted out. Everything needs to be laid out on the table. We need to see things clearly. I want to know where things got messed up because I'm sure that I've not being giving off vibes towards you and if you get kicks out of me being mean towards you then I think there is something really wrong with you. I want to you to get over me Draco but first I want you to tell me, tell me what it is about me you like. Tell me when it started and what you did after that. For me to help you I need you to help me.
Harry.
I remembered my reply. That night I had been so emotional. To think that Harry cared. After a few weeks of contact by letters Harry and I had begun to get angry with each other. I think he was getting really stressed out at the fact that I loved him and I wouldn't change the way I felt. He eventually wrote;
29th January
Draco,
You do not love me Draco, you are not homosexual. You are confused! I wish you would stop pretending that you have feelings for me. It's not right, the way you are! You're under a delusion. I wish you would just lead a normal life! I want you to prove me that you are capable of that. Please Draco.
Harry.
That letter broke my heart. I thought he understood but all that time he was just waiting to spring that on me. I thought he cared, I thought he wanted to help me but no. That was when I came up with the idea that if I went off with Pansy then Harry would come running. I even married her because I thought that would do it but Harry didn't care. He just sent me a present and one more letter saying that he was glad I was normal.
I place the letters back in the draw not bothering to tie them back up. I take off my clothes and slip into bed. A sharp pain in my chest comes about and I now realise that I'm still in love with him. I'm still in love with Harry James Potter.