An almost palpable feeling of euphonic relief seemed to sweep through him and envelop him as Captain James T Kirk heard the verdict. Cleared of all charges and praised for having such a well trained, dedicated, and disciplined crew. The Wacairn representative had also thanked him for helping them find the leader of the radical group that had caused so much trouble on Wacairn with regard to it joining the Federation.

For the duration of the meeting after the hearing he had gone through the motions of accepting the thanks and praise. He just went through the motions as he could not shake the cauldron of emotions that seemed to be swirling about him mentally and physically. A deep uncertainty and fear bordering on dread quickly replaced the euphoria. All there had seen and heard what took place on the bridge between . . .

No, it had not been between just him and Spock, it had been his insistence that it be put on ship-wide. They had seen and heard that outburst he had had on the bridge with Spock and while the Wacairns believed it most of the upper echelon had praised him and asked him to thank his First Officer when he returned to the ship as they believed it to be another of their infamous tactics to get to the truth of a situation. How he wished it had been that. At the time he had meant every word he had all but spat at Spock. They had believed what they had seen and heard because at that moment it had been real and honest, at least to him.

At that time it had been real as he had not been aware of how one of the Warcairn delegation was controlling him. McCoy had found nothing at the time yet Spock had believed there was something affecting him and he had agreed with McCoy, even telling Spock he was no medical doctor.

On the bridge, in front of the crew and the Wacairn delegation, he had, had. No. He gave his head a slight shake. Later for that. He would get through this series of meetings and then he would find Spock as it was unusual for the Vulcan to have just gone the way he had. On the few times before when they had had words similar to what had happened he remembered how Spock had stayed in contact. This time there had been nothing. Total silence.

He also remembered how McCoy had agreed with Spock on there being an outside influence but McCoy could find nothing and he had used that as ammunition to question Spock. How sure he was that Spock would know it had been a very human emotional flare as it had been Spock who had guided the others in finding the guilty and preventing a major catastrophe in space-dock. Spock had guided them but not contacted him. No contact for the four days of the hearing.

Again he scanned the throng of people and realized not only had the bridge crew, who had testified and delivered their findings, left but also Sarek, who had spoken on his behalf, had also left. He did not want to admit it, even to himself, but he felt more alone in the crowded hall than he could remember ever feeling. There was also an unusually unsettling feeling that something was missing. There was an uneasy emptiness, a strange aloneness deep inside him.

Although he had wanted to deny it he was certain it had started in that closed session with the most senior officers at Command and the representatives from Wacairn when they showed how he had reacted to Spock, when all there heard what he had said to Spock. It had started when Spock had looked at him, really looked at him, into him, then said "As you wish, Captain.", looked at him for a few seconds longer then turned and walked away, pausing only briefly at the turbo lift to turn and give him the familiar Vulcan salute but had said nothing.

As he took a long slow breath he momentarily closed his eyes and took another long slow breath. Yes. Yes, it had been then that that odd emptiness, that unease had started. There had been something, something different, almost frightening in the way Spock had looked at him, into him, at that moment. It had been then that he had, at some low level of consciousness, been aware of a slowly growing unease, a feeling of aloneness, of emptiness. There had also been something unusual about Spock's posture, the way he moved. He heard how Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, and Bones, in their testimonies, had said how what they had done had been Spock's idea. He kept hearing them say that Spock had told them how to get the proof that "the Captain is in a mental state where he is not behaving as himself and is clearly under the influence of some unknown external factor". He kept seeing that look about Spock's eyes as he turned to leave, a look he had never seen on Spock before yet a look he knew. It was, he realized now, the look of somebody being emotionally shattered.

At the hearing the Wacairn security guards had been praised for unceremoniously preventing the conspirator who had been aboard the Enterprise from committing suicide after the plan to make the Enterprise a bomb had failed. The guards apologized for not acting fast enough to prevent her from making contact with the others in the group who were at Command.

At the hearing he had been praised for his actions and comments were made about what a fine example of a bridge crew that worked well together. The panel had praised his bridge crew for their actions in finding the proof as to who was behind the attempt and why he had been acting as he had.

As he looked around and realized they clearly had all left after giving their statements. He stood still for a moment as he suddenly wondered if they were still his bridge crew. They had heard and seen how he had treated Spock and yet had done their parts to prove his position.

One by one they had given their findings with Sulu finding traces of a rare Wacaiarn herb that was known to have an effect on the human brain, Uhura had used an adhesive at her station to get microscopic items from when the aides had placed their hands on the counter by it when she had reluctantly switched his comments to ship-wide, from Chekov's voice it was clear he had found a drink that loosened tongues, Scotty the remembering the unusual code to release the munitions Spock had locked, and McCoy's tests of his quarters revealing traces of the hallucinogenic. Each of them said their actions had been instigated by Spock making a suggestion as he left the ship.

That thought made him pause. Spock had seen the others before he left the ship but not him. He had locked all weapons and, before he beamed off the ship, had given Scotty the code to use only if something should happen where the weapons were needed to defend the ship, told Scotty not to release the lock-down till after a manual check of all access points, and vanished. No contact with anybody on the ship.

How Spock had seen the others had puzzled him for a moment till he remembered how each of them had, for a short period of time, individually left the bridge and returned a few minutes later. One at a time the five had left the bridge and returned. Returned to their posts and had been oddly distant. Scotty had been the last the see him, Scotty who had beamed him off the ship.

It had been Spock's refusal to release the weapons so he could show the Wacairns their capabilities that had so enraged him. He could not see any reason not to show their guests what his ship could do. The aide admitted it was the intention of the group she was a part of to cause the Enterprise to fire all weapons just as they entered the main docking facility at Command and, to turn the ship into a bomb. As the aide was lead away she stopped, looked at him, smiled, and said, "We may not have succeeded but you lost as well, Kirk. Later you will find you have lost so much more than we did."

Finally he was told he could return to the Enterprise and await new orders after the Enterprise had finished a thorough re-fit, check and clean. It had struck him as rather odd that they said they would see him again in a few days to finalize a substantial crew rotation and discuss new orders. Substantial crew rotation? He had been unaware of any planned major crew rotation and there had been something in the way they had said it had made him a bit uneasy. He knew that the crew had heard that tirade, those words, words that he had no real excuse to ever use or say as he had, that there was no way to apologize to them for what he said, and that he should expect some officers not to want to serve on the Enterprise now. And for him to have said them to Spock was totally unpardonable and unforgivable.

As he started to leave the hearing room Sarek walked over to him, "If I may I will speak freely with you now, Kirk."

"Of course, Sir." In silence he followed the Vulcan ambassador to a small room.

As Sarek looked at him Kirk wondered what the man must be feeling after seeing how he had spoken to his son, after hearing the words he had said to him. "My son would be pleased to know of this satisfactory result. You were his captain and his friend. It is, therefore, only logical that he did what he did to protect not only Star Fleet but more importantly you. In time he would have been able to fully explain your actions and words to me. It is possible that at some level he would understand and would have been able to explain it to me. I have ensured that his mother will not find out about your exact words to him until I have had the opportunity for fully explain the full situation to her."

The statement caught Kirk by surprise. Not once had he thought of them, of the others who were close to Spock. How would Amanda react if she heard and saw that recording? Saw and heard what he had said to Spock. It was bad enough that the crew had seen and heard it, to think of Amanda hearing it and seeing it was worse. Sarek had been looking at him and gave a slight nod as though knowing what he was thinking.

"I shall make arrangements for the other senior crew to see him. I thank you for the, the friendship you had with my son, for accepting him as he was, and for allowing him to fully develop as an individual. I also thank you for your time now. If you will excuse me I have matters that must be attended to. and," an aged hand formed a shape Kirk knew only too well, "may you live long and prosper, Captain James T. Kirk." and just as regally as he had approached the ambassador walked away.

When he materialized in the transporter room it was oddly reassuring to see Scotty at the controls and saw the stiff nod he gave and the unusual look he gave McCoy, the slight shake of his head. A private conversation was clearly going on as the two just looked at each other for a moment before Scotty handed McCoy what appeared to be a slip of paper, then nodded and turned back to looking at the controls.

As they walked McCoy looked at him and Kirk could tell there was a lot bothering his friend. Finally, as they approached the door to Spock's quarters, McCoy spoke, "We need to talk, Jim. We need to talk in private."

"I know, Bones. I know. I owe you all so much. I will discuss it all alter but right now I need to speak with,"

He stopped as they walked into Spock's quarters, only just mentally registering that McCoy had stayed by the closed door, and for a few seconds he could not believe this was Spock's quarters. It was empty of all trimmings.

Empty. No, not totally empty, it was a void. There was a feeling, a faint, cold, soulless emptiness. Momentarily he closed his eyes. It almost perfectly reflected that odd faint emptiness he had been feeling. There was nothing to show that this had been his quarters. Empty. Cold. Barren. Soulless. It was just the quarters expected for the second in command on a starship. Every trace of Spock was gone. His words came back to him, almost tauntingly.

Slowly he sat on the bed and looked up at McCoy. "I've, I've lost him, Bones. This time I went too far. This time I said things, things I should never, never have said. It, it was not me, it was what she made me think and feel. It was how he was looking at me as he said "As you wish, Captain.". Oh gawd, Bones, that said so much. That look said it all. You heard, hell, the whole ship heard, what I said as that, that woman made sure that Uhura had switched on ship-wide. For him to know that the whole crew heard," As the full realization of what he had done to Spock dawned on him he buried his head in his hands, "Ohgawd, I have lost him. After the crew hearing,"

In his mind he heard the words "substantial crew rotation". After hearing what he had said to Spock who would want to stay aboard? Hearing what he had said and how he had said it.

"Now Jim, we have to,"

Kirk held up his hand, stood up, and started pacing, "What we have to do, Bones, is first find him and then bring him back. We have to think where he would go, where he," Momentarily he stopped and looked at McCoy who saw the certainty about his friend's face as the hazel eyes slowly showed reason, "If he took all his things he would have to stay somewhere till Starfleet." Suddenly he closed his eyes and shook his head.

"What, Jim?"

"My, my report. In my report I stated he had been grossly insubordinate, defiantly refused a direct order without giving an explanation, and showed signs of hostility and resentment."

"What? Do you realize what you have done?" McCoy just looked at him. He had thought that Kirk would have waited till the mission was over but obviously whatever was affecting him had totally numbed his way of thinking over things before sending reports to Command. Only having known what the substance was that had been used on his friend made him feel the pain his friend was in and how much deeper that pain would soon be when he had to face the consequences of his actions.

"I know. You know how the higher echelon will look on that. Ohmigawd, Bones," when he turned to look at him McCoy saw the depth of agony his friend as he now realized what he had done, " I, I ruined his career as well. I, I not only ruined it but I also totally destroyed what we had."

There was a silence that McCoy could almost feel as he saw how Kirk bowed his head, closed his eyes and breathed through his mouth. As he watched he saw Jim Kirk shake his head, take a deep breath, and look at him, "I have to find him, Bones, I have to explain this all to him. First I have to find him. He wasn't at the hearing, he had clearly spoken with them and the others. He, he did all that to protect the ship and me after I acted like that. The others told me they had not seen or heard from him since he left the ship. They all said they could see that he was hurting and that only going into that Vulcan mode was enabling him to do what he was doing to get off the ship." Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head, "He went to each them, and I beelieve he saw you as well, to say farewell and tell you and them how best to help me, how to find out what was wrong."

Kirk stood as he thought how the others had, when he has asked them, said how Spock had appeared: Sulu had said shattered, Chekov had said exhausted, Scotty had shaken his head and said traumatized and crushed, and Uhura at looked right at him and said Spock was totally broken because of him. "I, I have to find him. He has not been in contact with the Vulcan Embassy and only gave the higher echelon of Command a very detailed oral and written report but oddly did not report in person which is not like him. He had confirmed the time of his debriefing. Nobody's seen him since he beamed off the ship."

For a moment there was silence and just looking at how Kirk was standing McCoy ached to reach out and tell him all would be well. He wanted to say that together, and with the help of the bridge crew, they could put things right but he could not, would not lie. He knew more than his friend did and knew it was his duty as his friend and Chief Medical Officer to tell him what he did not know. All he wanted was to go out and get blind drunk for at least a month.

"Jim, you need to listen to me, you need to hear me." McCoy was not sure just how to tell his friend and Captain what he had to tell him. When Kirk turned and looked at him there was a look about the hazel eyes that confirmed that his friend was not prepared for what he had to be told.

"You have to know that there," he hesitated and licked his suddenly dry lips, "there were more involved than Wacairns immediately found on the ship. You,"

Kirk held up his hand and nodded, "I know, Bones. I was told that they had found six of the Wacairn radicals, that they admitted what they had done, that they were a part of. They were very drunk when found and were saying that while they had been unable to get the code needed they had hurt Starfleet's flagship."

Even as he looked around the empty quarters Kirk half-smiled. "Once we get Spock back aboard they will see they did not hurt,"thee was a look about the blue eyes of his friend stopped him. There was pain there, a deep pain. 'What? What is it Bones?"

For a moment there was just silence as the unsaid filled the distance between them, a silence that chilled Kirk and made him sit down on the one chair behind the cleared desk. For a moment his lips moved but he said nothing. All he could do was look at what the blue eyes and expression were telling him, the weight McCoy had put on the words "more involved", what the barren quarters should have told him. That voice in that dream that night. How clearly he could have sworn he heard that beloved baritone saying, "Forgive me my t'hyla. Live long and prosper, Jim."

"Bones?" it was a prayer, a whisper, and an order.

McCoy's stance, the way he briefly wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, and how he rocked four times in his heels said more than when he said, "They hurt the ship, Jim. They hurt this ship by hurting, really hurting Spock. He was emotionally shattered when he left the ship after your tirade and their physical attack further shattered him as it is clear they were after some information."

It took him several seconds to realize his lips were moving but he could not get the words out, to be aware that the room's temperature had not dropped yet he felt cold, and that that abrupt start to the emptiness he had felt for several days was to do with Spock. "Some information." The code to access to the weapons.

He felt McCoy's hand on his shoulder and looked up to see pain yet understanding on the oh so familiar face, "Sarek has Vulcan healers in with him."

"Then, then he's," the hand on his shoulder forced Kirk to stop attempting to stand.

"His mind is beyond what they can do for him and while his body might heal,"

Now Sarek's words had meaning, the way he had said "would have". Past tense.

"Don't! Don't you say it, Bones." from somewhere deep inside him Jim Kirk found the momentum to move his body as his mind started to formulate and reject different possibilities. He stood and faced his friend, "Don't you dare say it! There has to be,"

"Jim, his mind is beyond recovery. What happened on the bridge shattered him and whatever that group waiting for him at Command did to him scattered the pieces. Now that blasted Vulcan hybrid body of his can and will go on but his mind," as Kirk watched McCoy closed his eyes, let out a long slow breath, then looked at him, into him, and clearly only just containing his rage, all but whispered, "Dammit, Jim, his mind is just too damaged, far too shattered because that pack you sent him down to face alone tried to get that damn code you wanted. They broke his body and finished shattering his brain, the brain that your words had already shattered enough."

Shattered. That was what Bones had said before, after what had happened the last time he had spoken to, No, not to to him he had spoken at Spock. That was how he had spoken at Spock just before Spock's last words to him on the bridge. That was what McCoy had told him he had done when Spock had left the ship. To have said what he had the way he had in front of so many who he knew Spock considered almost family would have. . . .

"No! I won't accept that, Bones! There has to be,"

"The healers and I have been over and over every known and a few new tests and the results are the same. Like I said, physically he will heal and most likely live a full life but he will be,"

"I said no!" Only the way the steady blue eyes kept looking at him after he had lurched to his feet as he slammed hie hand on the desk made his pause, shake his head, before he said, "I will not accept that, Doctor McCoy. You are a doctor,"

"Who has a patient he has to sign over to a facility that can take better care of the needs of that patient. As a doctor I must accept that, Captain."

"Dammit, we are talking about Spock, not just another patient. There must be,"

"Hell, Jim, you think I don't know who we are talking about? You think I haven't been trying everything I know, think I haven't infuriated the Vulcans with my being constantly asking what they would suggest, what we should try next? Think it did not almost kill me when the two leading healers and Sarek tried to get a link but all said there was too much damage, that his mind was far too shattered to form a link? They told me of the special facility where,"

"NO! Not a Vulcan special facility!"

"I have seen the facility, Jim. It is a good fit for him. They have the best there." Kirk started to interrupt but McCoy held up his hand, "I'm a doctor, Jim, not a damned miracle worker! I've seen the facility, talked with the staff, and knowing the patient, having seen his scans and readouts, I am sure that if anything of him is there it is buried so deep it cannot be detected or so, thanks to your and their actions, shattered there is no known way to put the pieces back together again, or" McCoy found himself suddenly employing a trick Spock had shown him years ago, while standing with his hands behind his back, to maintain control and smiled to himself and heard his inner voice say, "Well I'll be damned, it worked." then looked directly into the hazel eyes, "as Spock used to say there are always possibilities and a part of me wants to believe that there is a safe place in his mind we cannot detect where he is hiding. A place where there is no pain. A place of peace for him."

Silence filled the empty room and for a moment Kirk bowed his head as he knew McCoy was right. He had been the one to shatter Spock the way he had. All that had happened to Spock was because of him. Hell, he was the most celebrated of Star Fleet's star ship captains. He was their go-to person when there was any problem. Yet that was largely because of the ship he had and, more importantly the First Officer and friend he had found on the ship.

In the hazel eyes that looked at him when Kirk slowly raise his head he saw pain, loss, guilt, and an apology, "I am a doctor, Jim, who must think what is best for my patient. Now Spock is one of my closest friends and you have to know there is nothing, nothing I would not do for him, but also as his doctor at a time like this I have to. No, I must realistically think and do what is best for him, I have."

"And you think just leaving him with them is best for him? You know how,"

"I know his thoughts and opinions on Vulcan specialists. At the moment I believe that they are best for him if they can make a link into his mind. Should they not be able to make that link that I will know that," McCoy looked away from Kirk for a moment and took a deep breath then looked back into those hazel eyes, "he is too far within whatever is left of his mind to be reached."

"I, I won't release him from the ship. I,"

McCoy reached out and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder and Kirk saw the pain about the blue eyes. Pain and understanding. Very softly McCoy said, "You must know that your outburst on the bridge is enough to establish that he has been released from the ship, Jim. If you recall you told him that as soon as you went to your quarters you would send a request for him to be transferred and give as your reason gross insubordination. Did you?"

"Yes, but I was,"

"You had not been medically certified as unfit for command. If you recall in that tirade you were most exact about gross insubordination and said he would never be allowed back on your ship. The higher echelon will see that as his release from the ship."

Only the look in the blue eyes stopped him from screaming that his friend was wrong, that look seemed to reach into him and make him accept the truth of the words. Slowly he sat, bowed his head, and closed his eyes, "What have I done, Bones? What, " the fear and dawning of what had happened seem to seize him, "what have I," then the full realization of what had happened to him and to Spock because of him struck and he looked up at McCoy, "What have I done to him?"

"You really do not need me to answer that, do you, Jim? You saw that recording. Do you really need to see it again to know what you did?"

Slowly Kirk shook his head, momentarily closed his eyes then slowly stood, "I need to see Spock. I need to see him, Bones." even as he looked at his friend Kirk knew the truth, "Bones, I need, I need to see him and tell him the truth, I need,"

"You need to leave him, Jim. Leave him in the care of others now. Between what you mentally and emotionally did to him and what those who physically attacked him did he needs to be left alone. He needs time alone." McCoy was quiet for a moment as he studied his friend, as he saw in the hazel eyes the hell the man was going through as he realized what his words had done. For a moment he was torn but then sighed and finally said, "I believe your last order to him, the last words he heard you say to him, were to stay off the ship and to stay the hell out of your life as both the ship and you would be much better without him. Now you have to stay out of his life. If you really feel anything at all for him you will leave him alone."

Kirk was aware of shaking his he head and his mouth moving but he could think of no words.

There was a look of total loss and uncertainty with a deep personal hell in the eyes that looked up at him. As though it was a fragile egg shell McCoy placed a hand on Kirk's shoulder, "You need time alone, Jim. You need to go to your quarters and have that time alone. If I have to I will make it a medical order. I have duties to attend to off the ship and will stop by your quarters later to check on you. Just know he is being taken care of now."

Kirk did not remember walking to his quarters, it was a path he had walked so often that it was almost automatic. He walked to his desk and notified the bridge that he was only to be disturbed if it was a major emergency from Command then lay down on his bed trying to figure out what had happened. It was all a jumble, a jumble that had been caused by the Wacairn ambassador's second aide's careful and very judicious use of a Wacarirnian herbal inhalant drug with hypnotic side-effects. He was sure if it had not been for the efforts of those five important people who so often worked as a tem the truth of his being effected would not have been detected. They had again worked as a team to prove he was not responsible for his outburst and yet now it did not matter. It might have saved his career and his reputation but at too great a cost.

The five had been on the bridge during that tirade and had remained in their places and not tried to intervene. Usually at least one of them would have at least given him a look or coughed but they did nothing. They had been there and done nothing which was unusual. "You saw that recording." McCoy had said, "You saw that recording." That recording. Clearly there had been something he had missed.

Not wanting to but know he had to in order to answer so many questions he still had he went to his computer and found the recording of the hearing, slowly sat down, and, after a moment's hesitations, pressed the play button.

So clearly he saw them on the bridge. All five of them at their stations, McCoy there talking with Spock when he walked in with the delegation from Wacairn.

"I trust I am not speaking out of turn but I am sure we would be most interested in seeing your weapons range and display, Captain. We have long heard how well armed the Enterprise is yet how you, yourself, seem to be more skilled at using words than weapons." the second aide to the ambassador had spoken. "We have been told that the Enterprise is a vessel of peace but that is is equally a weapon of war. While we have seen the peace-making aspect it would be of interest to see its weaponry. Show it to me."

He halted to playback. There had been a change in the voice. Commanding and not friendly. What McCoy had said, when they had found the evidence he had been drugged, was the control, the trigger.

Calmly he continued watching. He watched as it showed how he had taken two steps toward Spock, "Please show our guests a display of our weaponry, Mister Spock."

Spock had seemed to study him for longer than usual then went to the panel and flicked a few switches before he turned and looked at him in that searching and questioning way only a few saw as not many had spent as much time around Vulcans or even half-Vulcans as he had. There had been that ever so slight change in Spock's posture as he looked back at him and said, "I will not do that, Captain."

Although it did not show he remembered how irritation unlike any he had experienced before had started to grow as he went to the panel and saw that Spock had locked the access to the whole of the weaponry controls. Twice he had entered the release code and got denied access. Fury had started to replace the irritation. He had taken two steps closer to Spock and said, "First Officer, I order you to immediately release the lock down you have on the weaponry control."

"I will not do that, Captain. While you are clearly not yourself and while we have those aboard and on the bridge who have no right to be on the bridge or to see our weaponry display. I will not endanger this crew, this ship, or Command by doing as you ordered, Sir."

He had taken two steps to close the distance between them and calmly said, "I am your senior officer and I am giving you a direct order to immediately release the lock down you have on the weaponry control."

"I acknowledge that you are my senior officer but I will not release the lock down I have implemented until we have arrived at Command for the reasons I have given, Sir."

"You do realize you are bordering on total insubordination? I will give you one more opportunity to release the lock down you have initiated."

"I am fully aware that my actions border on insubordination, Sir. I am also fully aware that, for at the moment unknown reasons, you are not yourself and unfit to be in command. I repeat that I will not release the lock-down I have initiated."

At the time he had been unaware of how his bridge crew had been while watching what was going on. He had only seen their reactions when the recording was shown at the hearing. They were all looking at him as though he were a stranger and he now saw himself as that as well. Spock had just stood there at attention and did not react at all. No reaction even when his fury was at its height and he had flared at the end. He could see them exchanging looks of total disbelief yet none of them moved or spoke.

As he watched he saw how he turned to Uhura and said, "Get me ship wide." and how, when she hesitated, the aide went over to the panel and flicked the switch. He saw himself unleash a wave of vile fury on Spock, actually slapping him, then stood clenching and unclenching his fist as he all but yelled at Spock, "You disloyal, disrespectful, dishonest, son-of-a-bitch! I am your commanding officer and you have deliberately repeatedly refused to obey a direct order and you have, in front of not only the command crew but also a guest delegation flagrantly questioned my fitness for command. My fitness for command. My. Fitness, For. Command. You're no doctor. What do you know about what it takes to command a ship let alone starship? You will never, never know command for as soon as I dismiss your from the bridge you are no longer a member of this crew and when we arrive at Command you will find your career in Star Fleet is finished and your reputation ruined. No-one on Vulcan will want to know you as you have disgraced them. You have disgraced a loyal and honest people by showing how disloyal you are. You must know at one time I believed you would do anything, anything for me and not just as an officer but also a friend. Your action just proved that you are not only a disloyal officer but that you were never, never really a friend at all. You once said that Vulcans do not have friends but acquaintances. Was I even that to you? Hell, with your mixed breeding do you even know what it is to be a friend? We are fifteen hours from Command at our current speed, you are to leave now by shuttle and will find on your arrival there in ten hours that there will be a security team awaiting you. Your belongings will be packed and sent to wherever Command places you. My final orders and words to you are to stay off the ship and to stay the hell out of my life. Know this, both the ship and I will be much, much better without you. You are dismissed from the bridge and my life."

For perhaps seven seconds there had been silence and Kirk saw how his whole body radiated fury and Spock just stood there with a trickle of green blood dripping from his lip before he said, "As you wish, Captain." then turned and walked to the turbolift where he paused and looked back at him, raised his right hand in that all so familiar way but said nothing and vanished with the closing of the doors.

Almost immediately after Spock had gone the second aide had left the bridge. At the time it had not been surprising as she had seemed very upset by what had happened but when a thorough scan of transmissions from the Enterprise was done when they arrived at Command it was clear she had left to make contact with those who had attacked Spock. There had been four transmissions back and forth. There had been six in the group she had contacted, all six had been captured and admitted not only that they had attacked Spock saying that it had all been the aide's plan. They were to get from Spock the code to gain access to the weaponry on the Enterprise but no matter what they did "the Vulcan said nothing".

He turned off the recording. They were going to make his ship into a bomb. He was going to have given them what they wanted. Even after what he had verbally and physically done to Spock before the crew Spock had contacted the four others who had been on the bridge and last spoken with Scotty to find the proof that he had been drugged or under the influence and they had. He had given Scotty the code to release the lock he had on the weapons. There had been those times on the bridge when the others could have interfered but he knew that he would only have lashed out at them too and clearly Spock had known and had stopped them but how? He thought back on how Spock had stood during his tirade and there had only been that one slight movement Spock had made, that slight movement of his left hand when he had stuck him. He had seen how they all had started to move but had all stopped when they saw that slight movement of his left hand. A gesture they knew meant to halt, that he would deal with the situation, and they were not to get involved.

Thee was a folded piece of paper on his desk where he usually had his coffee and he recognized McCoy's scrawl on it, "This is what they wanted."

When he looked at the message he realized it was in Scotty's writing and he felt an odd chill grip him. The code. The code had not been numerical but letters. JTKTHYLAS. He momentarily crossed his arms on his desk and rested his head on it. At all times Spock had been in control, had been protecting them, had been respecting him as his commanding officer and friend. "As you wish, Captain." Seeing him standing by the turbolift with this hand raised but not saying the words. Only seeing now how shattered his friend had been. Shattered by his words. He had to think about how to get him back. He had, as soon as he had gone to his quarters, still seething, sent that blasted communication to Command about Spock's insubordination, had filed a request for a new First Officer and a new Science Officer.

Although he knew his actions should ensure Spock could never return to the ship he was sure there had to be a way of getting him back, but first he had to see him, had to explain, and had to apologize. To see him he had to get off the ship. He started for the door then stopped. He would freshen up first. While everything in him was now wanting him to get to Spock he knew he would look disheveled and it would be apparent to the Vulcans from his face and hair that the had been overly emotional.

In the Transporter room he found a relieving officer and started for the pad, not seeing M'Benga till he felt a hypo against his arm. "McCoy's orders, Sir. You'll sleep for about thirty minutes by which time McCoy should have more information for you."

When he woke he was surprised to find himself in an unfamiliar room but relaxed when he saw McCoy there and was slightly unnerved to see Sarek also there. He gave McCoy a slight smile after he saw the slightest of nods. Briefly McCoy but a hand on his shoulder, "I'll be with the others, Jim." then helped him from the bed to a chair before leaving him with Sarek.

"Kirk, I have arranged, with the assistance of Doctor McCoy, for you and the four others who knew him so well, to see Spock before you leave. While I am aware that the other four have a close relationship with him it is my understanding that for many years you and my son shared a very special sort of relationship apart from being shipmates. It was my belief that you two were closer than many brothers, that you had, in fact, on several occasions referred to him as a brother. From what I heard and saw of your last encounter your actions did not show that to be true. I have also been told on many occasions you said he was the best First Officer in the Fleet, that you had total faith and trust in his decisions. If you had, in fact, had what Humans call friendship you would have trusted him and his decisions. Your actions in this instance also show that you did not have faith in his decisions. I was informed that at the time you were under the influence of an inhalant and not fully yourself yet surely if you had truly had such a strong friendship, and the human emotions related to such a relationship toward him, and if you truly trusted him you would have trusted his decision. It is because of what I feel toward Amanda that I have some understanding of what it is for a Vulcan to care deeply about a Human and it would be a great disservice to both Spock and Amanda if I did not allow you to see Spock before you leave."

In all the years he had known Sarek this was the longest conversation he had had with the man, "I appreciate that as I have a great deal to discuss with him and,"

Slowly, in almost a Human manner, Sarek shook his head then looked at him, into him, "You must know, Kirk, that the healers believe that he will remain in the state he is in for the rest of his life. It has been arranged that this evening, before you and your crew leave, another meld will be attempted to reach into his mind and that Doctor Leonard McCoy may watch the meld and remain on Vulcan for one hundred and eighty standard days while a routine is established for Spock's on-going care. The healers have stated that he will have more knowledge about treating Spock's unusual hybrid needs to sustain his life without the need for external assistance than they have ready access to."

"Before you and your crew leave", "Sustain his life without external assistance". Kirk searched Sarek's face for some sign it did not mean what he believed it to. He remembered how earlier Sarek had said "would have", and how he had said "allow you to see Spock before you leave" not to talk with him. And McCoy had not asked him about leaving the Enterprise.

Still trying to fully decipher what Sarek had meant and stunned by what McCoy had obviously done without telling him Kirk slowly followed Sarek along a warren of corridors and into a room. There had been no pausing at the door, no chance to fully prepare himself for what he might see. Just for a moment he felt Sarek grip his arm as his legs almost gave way under him when he saw Spock. McCoy had said that Spock had been hurt and he had been prepared to see him badly bruised and possibly with a broken limb or two but nothing like what lay on the medical bed. The face was that of his friend but was badly bruised and a tube was assisting his breathing. The body. Momentarily he closed his eyes and shook his head, felt a hand grip his shoulder the way another hand with equally as long fingers so often had. It was Spock's body and was in traction with only a small sheet covering the pelvic area. A part of him hoped his friend was unaware of how exposed he was and also hoped that the mottled patterns that covered his body were not a reflection of the internal damage that would have been done. Another part of him was hearing and accepting that what Sarek had said was right, he should have trusted Spock. All this was his fault. He had sent him to be beaten to. No! The registers were low but Spock was alive..

He gradually became aware of a background noise and realized it was Sarek and the doctors conferring in Vulcan. Although he could not understand them he could tell it was not good, he could also tell they were talking about him from how two of the four doctors were looking at him. A part of him knew that no matter how much they were blaming him for it his own guilt was beyond measure. All those things he had said at Spock, the way he had said them. What he had done on the Enterprise had been bad enough but he had sent Spock to a waiting pack.

A waiting pack. What was it he had told Spock? A security team would be waiting for him. In the state he had been in and expecting a group. . . . No. He had been in no state to defend himself. The way the aide had so quickly left the bridge was obviously to alert the co-conspirators as they would still have had to time get the code to release the weapons from Spock and get it back to the aide. They would have had time to achieve their goal of make the Enterprise a bomb if they had managed to get the code. Spock would not have. . .

There was a pause in the background conversation and when Kirk looked over he saw the five Vulcans looking at him and only Sarek showed some slight indication of understanding his pain. Although Vulcans claimed not to have emotions he had been around one of Vulcan blood long enough to notice the slight indications of emotion about the eyes and he could see they all rightfully blamed him. He had sent Spock down alone to a pack who had clearly not got the information from him that they wanted. He had sent him.

Spock's last words confirmed it the order, "As you wish, Captain." Then it has seemed an acknowledgment of an order but was it more? Wish? Was that a sign that somehow Spock had understood that at the time he was not himself? For Spock to have said "wish" was, he shook his head, an indication to him that Spock was aware something was wrong. It was illogical and of all the beings he had met Spock was the least illogical one and yet it was not a word Spock would use. Spock was so careful with the words he used.

In four steps he could have been at the bedside. He could have gone to Spock and let him know he was there. A part of him wanted him to rush to the bed and let Spock know he was there, that he had not meant what he had said, and that somehow he would get him back to the ship, that things would get back to how they were. Another part of him wanted to run away from what he had done. Wanted to find an easy absolution for what he had done and a way to get through life without Spock.

He felt hand lightly and briefly touch his shoulder as "without Spock, without Spock, without," echoed in his mind. He turned his head and saw Sarek.

"We will talk privately now, Kirk." Sarek had escorted him from the room into a small room furnished by just a small table and two chairs yet all he was aware of was what the he had said so horridly to his friend and how he had then sent him to a waiting pack who had clearly tortured him, brutalized him. There was a jug of water and several small glasses. Although he was aware of seeing them he could not get the image of how Spock was, of what he had allowed Spock to leave the ship and face on his own. Almost out of habit he poured two glasses of water and was pushing the other glass across the table when he realized it was not Spock but Sarek.

Dimly he recalled that on the way to this room they had passed four of the senior crew going the other way. He looked at Sarek as he realized that they were going to see Spock as Sarek had taken him away from Spock. A briefly hand a gripped his upper arm, and brought him to this room.

"Kirk, I must apologize for stopping you when we passed the others. This is their turn to say their farewells to him. I will ensure that he is told that you went in, that you did stop by t see him. Knowing my son if there had been any awareness of your presence he would know that your silence was due to your sadness at what had happened and he will accept it. Know that he will receive the best of care. Should we not be able to establish a meld this time I will take him to the specialist on Vulcan and if they fail he will be taken to his home and I will arrange that he has constant care. His mother no doubt would insist on helping."

"Would, would I be able," even as he started to ask the question he knew the answer and saw it in the understanding look Sarek gave him as the Vulcan stood.

"It would be best for you to just get on with your life, Kirk. Try not to remember my son as you last saw him but as you first saw him and as you knew him. I will return shortly with the rest of your bridge crew. You may wait here while the others have their time with Spock." There was movement but Kirk just kept looking at the glass in his hands, "Ahhh, Doctor McCoy. I will come for you when the meld is to be attempted."

Hi! I know - lonnnnnnngggg. Needed it long to sort of set the stage: each player must have their time to matter. Enjoy.