For years I've been chasing after him. All my attempts, now proven futile. Big Brother didn't feel anything towards me. He loves me nothing more than just his younger sister. I hadn't realised until now. All this while I had been wasting my breath, 'Big Brother' here and 'Big Brother' there. How could I be so senseless? I still ran after him even after being rejected, after being screamed at and called a freak. Why am I not good enough for him?
The flat surface of the blade caressed the pale skin of my wrist. Its sharp tip of it was poked at my palm, to make sure that it should leave a satisfactory scar. Hm, kinda blunt, but I should use what I already have. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as the edge of the knife dug into my skin. It didn't go too deep though, at least not yet. I never knew why, but I always felt thrilled at the thought of sharp objects. It just felt right to have the feel of the razor-sharp item against my skin. Seeing the blood slowly flow out from the cuts made me feel satisfied. Of course, I hated myself for doing this - resulting to cutting to cease my depression. I've been avoiding Big Brother since the day he told me to stop. Oddly enough, I've turned cold towards him. No, it wasn't odd that I became harsh to my brother, I had always been cruel towards others - everyone. My reluctant, narcissistic and stoic behaviour and attitude will never get me anywhere in life. I honestly didn't deserve to live.
The pain was no problem for me. It subsided quickly as I was used to it, so I kept quiet while I added more scars to my hand, which had countless thin red lines from previous events. Fresh blood trickled down from the new cut to the tiles that made up bathroom floor. My heart raced from the thrill that I felt. However, all things must come to an end. After making few more scars, I decided that I had exceeded my standards of satisfaction, so I stood up to wash my beloved knife.
I felt a stinging pain when I placed my wrist under the running water of the tap. I flinched a little, but the pain was not new to me. Having washed my previously bloodied hand, I wiped it dry and proceeded to wash the blade. The knife had a sort of value to me. It was given to me for my fifth birthday, thirteen years ago, a gift from my brother and sister. I hadn't used it until a few months ago when I attempted self-harm. Therefore, it was ony stained with my blood - mine only. It held a very special and high meaning to me. I cherished this knife with my heart, despite it being from my siblings. But those siblings that I loathed were loved. The love came from deep inside my heart. When the sharp item was clean once more, I wiped it and placed it in the cupboard where I got it from. I rolled down my left sleeve and silently crept away from the bathroom. The clock in the hallway stated that it was 11.00 pm. I walked quietly to my room when I voice had startled me.
"Natalya? What were you doing in there?"
It sounded concerned. Something that had never been felt towards someone like her. The voice was gentle.
"Shit," I muttered briefly. "Sestra. It was none of your business. Go to bed," I ordered gruffly. Any time could she have disturbed me, it had to be now. I swiftly stormed into my room without waiting for her reply and slammed the door. I didn't need her to ask me silly questions. Whatever reason did she have to be concerned about me? Besides being my sister? Of course she did not! She hadn't been there for me when I was abused a few times by Big Brother! I was no child, she was no guardian to me. What the hell, I thought to myself. Nearly every night and day, I lived with similar questions hat haunted me. These questions would never leave me, they dance around in my twisted mind and I suffer. I did not wish to share them with anyone at all. I try to be strong, but I am weak. A useless, pathetic bitch. Why did Katyusha still love me, and how?
After slamming the door, I slid down to sit with my back leaning against the wall. Behind it, I could hear activity going on at the other side. I heard my sister's voice as she started to talk. I could have moved away, but I stayed to listen.
"Nat.. I hate seeing you suffer. It hurts, just seeing you act like this. You rarely come out of that room... I'm worried sick about you. Despite being a nation, I know that you can survive. But don't take that as an advantage. Nat... please, why won't y-you talk to m-me..?"
Silence followed. The sound of Katyusha's sobs broke the silence that hung in the air. I felt sorry for her sister. It was true that my sister had feelings, everyone does, but to be the cause for making someone cry, your sibling, was terrible. How I wanted to reply, but I couldn't bring myself to. Katyusha might have thought that I was already sleeping, as her sobs soon faded. I sat there, trying to think of the mean actions I had done towards my siblings and whether or not i regretted them. But thinking could not help me change, and it wouldn't either. However, I thouht on the topic into the wee hours of the morning.
smol a/n ; cliffhangers are fun tbh xD this shall be my first story here. i am no good writer here and i am greatly disappointed in myself for writing such a short thing. i don't expect much after publishing this however. but i will definitely be happy to see a few views ;3; i'm sorry for starting with some depressing shit hahahah sorry. i kinda hated this tbh. but i hope it's ok :3 ty for reading this thou!