A/N: I created this plot. It came to me randomly and I do love it. However, sadly, I do not own Ranger and Steph (face it, who would want to own Joe?). The things you recognize from the books are from Janet Evanovich. Also, this is the longest story I've ever written. Constructive criticism will be welcomed, flames will be mocked!

A new kind of Birthday

Birthday. A day typically celebrated with a cake baked by friends (or a supermarket, or a bakery, as the list goes on). Presents passed around by said friends, either true presents or hilarious white elephants. A happy day, where nothing goes wrong in the recipient's life. Unless, of course, you're Stephanie Plum.

Steph woke up that morning with a headache. She considered it to be a warning sign, and groaned as she sat up and slowly shuffled to her kitchen. "Happy birthday," she muttered to herself before pouring coffee feeding Rex his obligatory pellet. "How much you wanna bet that no one remembers?" His whiskers twitched, and she smiled slightly. "Yeah, I don't want to bet in hamster pellets either." With that, she turned and went to take a shower, leaving her full mug untouched on the counter until she twirled on her heel, marched back, and took a deep draft. "That's better," she whispered, before completing her mission of taking a shower.

An hour later, she was on her way to the Bonds office in her newest POS when a car ran a red light, missing her bumper by two inches. The resulting heart attack made her pull her car over just past the intersection, which caused every car behind her to simultaneously honk their horns and glare as they passed. Her headache immediately came back in full force, and she groaned again. If only I had cash, she mourned, thinking off how good some KFC would taste right then. Or even McDonald's pancakes, with a hash brown on the side. Mmmmmmmm… Shut up! She ordered her growling stomach. Just shut up until I get a bond mm'kay? Then we'll talk. She rolled her eyes and began moving again. Just in time too, as a police car passed her two minutes later, the officers waving as they went on ahead. She nodded slightly and then rolled her eyes. "That would've been fun to explain to Joe. Sorry about them laughing, Joe, but I was only pulled over for a minute." She rolled her eyes and sighed.

Joe Morelli. If only that name didn't spark such desire in her. Her life would certainly be less complicated if the Italian stallion left town. She wouldn't have to worry about the constant pressure to give up her job, her life. The pressure to become… she gulped at the thought. God save me if I become my mother, she thought quietly, afraid that putting it in words made it more likely. The older she got, though, the more the pressure increased from her parents. With Joe in the mix now, she was close to giving up. And after today, it'd just get worse. Yep, things would be easier without him.

Or… maybe not. After all, there's still Ranger to contend with. She sighed deeply. Where Joe's name created sparks, Ranger's name instilled an inferno. He hadn't been joking when he said he only needed a night. But she derailed that train of thought long before it started. You're with Joe now. And you want to be with him. You just don't want to be his dream wife, that's all. Right?

At the bonds office, Lula and Connie grinned at her when she came in. "What's up, birthday girl?" they asked in surround sound.

Steph winced as her headache became a tiny man pounding on the inside of her skull and yelling to get out. "Nothing is up," she said wearily, plopping herself down in the chair. "Connie, I need the highest bond I can get by myself. And I need it now."

Connie raised an eyebrow until Steph added "Please", and then began to sort through the files as Lula looked closer at Steph. "Girl when's the last time you ate?" the large black woman asked. Steph looked up at her and resisted the urge to ask how often Lula ate. That'd be an interesting answer for sure.

As it was, she still wanted her friends, so she sighed and said "Yesterday." She hoped that was the extent of the questioning, but Lula persisted by asking what -time-. Steph glanced around before finally giving in. "Around lunch."

"Lunch? Yesterday's lunch? Why you skip dinner, hm?" Lula seemed completely confused by the idea of skipping a meal, let alone two. Steph had to bite her tongue again, rather than say something highly inappropriate.

"I'm broke," she finally answered, when her tongue was under control. "That a good enough reason?" Not giving the slightly-stunned Lula a chance to answer, she turned to Connie. "So?" And winced at the look on the woman's face. "What?"

"It's a pyro," Connie finally said. "Otherwise he should be fine. Maybe take someone's bicycle?"

Steph gave a deep sigh, winced as the resulting twinge in her head, and held out her hand for the file. "I'll take it. See you later." With that, she spun on her heel and got into her car, zipping away before either woman could comment on her eating habits or her choice in skip. Not that I -have- a choice, but they don't need to know that. So she went ahead and perused the file of one Stanley William Felt. He's not a pyro, she finally decided. One little accident in science class does not a pyro make. Maybe I can just walk him out this time. Yeah, that'd be nice. She wondered if mentioning it was her birthday would do any good, while pulling into his drive-way.

She was halfway up when she saw him bolt. "Dammit!" she swore, zipping her seat belt off and banging on the door until it opened. He was almost a neighbor's yard ahead of her, but she had worn the right shoes this time. Soon she was catching up. Now just a few more feet. Then she realized they were back by her car, and he was holding a grenade. She groaned, and then jumped at her chance. Literally - he threw the grenade, and she tackled him to the ground a second later, just as her car exploded less than ten feet away. She blacked out with both hands wrapped tight around his wrist, the shock wave increasing the pain in her head to where she almost let go.

As it was, she finally got him subdued and pulled out her cell phone. "Hey Cal, can you come with the cavalry?" she asked with a sigh, hearing the sirens already. "I got my skip in cuffs."

He was wise enough not to mention the car. Everyone knew about her cars now. "I'll tell Joe too?" he questioned more than asked. She groaned but acquiesced that it would be better. That way he could get most of his ranting out in the car. As she hung up, she realized no one had mentioned what day it was. That's right… it's my birthday.

By the time Joe got there, he was fuming and red in the face. She merely handed Stanley off to him and went to Cal. "Take me to my apartment?" she asked quietly, her eyes begging him not to ask. He nodded and cleared off the passenger seat, then zoomed off. By the time he got his statement and she got up the stairs, she had an hour to clean up before dinner with her parents. That's just wonderful. Just fucking wonderful.

Joe arrived half an hour later. He just looked at her and rolled his eyes before starting. "You realize if you just moved in with me and quit your job, this wouldn't happen, right? I mean all you'd have to do is learn to cook, marry me, and have a kid…" The list went on and on. She tuned him out as she finished getting dressed, and on the entire ride to her parent's house. Of course her mom was on the front porch, just waiting to put in her two cents. The voices overlapped until the headache from that morning was back in full force. Only her father remembered to pull her aside for two seconds and whisper "Happy birthday, daughter of mine," and kiss her cheek before her mother started in again.

By the time Joe dropped her off at her house, she was ready for bed, and it was only seven. She sighed as he insisted on walking her up the stairs, telling her about signing the receipt in her name and she should be happy he had done that and why couldn't she have taken responsibility for it herself? She was so down in the dumps that when she opened the door, she almost expected all her friends to jump out and yell "Surprise! We thought your day sucked, so cheer up!" But no such luck. Instead, her apartment was empty but for a small box on the counter, thankfully out of Joe's view, and an envelope next to it. The writing was absolutely familiar, and she almost smiled thinking about it.

Her curiosity peaked, Steph finally got Joe to leave with promises to think about whatever it was he was talking about. Not that she'd been paying attention anyway. These days, he did all the talking. In fact, she didn't talk much at all anymore. It seemed that every time she opened her mouth with an opinion, fact, or thought, someone was waiting in the wings to refute it, ignore it, or talk over it like she didn't exist. So she simply stopped chatting, kept her thoughts to herself, and relied on her empty house for comfort at night. But that envelope meant something else. Someone had remembered.

Carefully picking up the white rectangle, Steph sighed before opening it. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but she knew Ranger, and she knew that if he sent her something, it would be good.

Babe,

I heard it was your birthday today. I figured you were busy, so I wanted to leave this for you. Also, I'm going in the wind soon. Won't be too long. Don't go crazy.

~Ranger

She almost broke down. He was leaving again. He was one of her few happinesses at the moment, and he was leaving. But she made herself wait until she unwrapped the box. Carefully she pulled out the little plastic box and opened it. Inside was a beautifully done, slightly tacky pendent shaped like Wonder Woman. She was in the standard fight pose, the lasso in one hand and her boots planted firmly. She looked strong, unyielding, and impassive. Steph took a single glance at the emblem and started to cry.

Ranger was gone for three months. In that time, Steph worked less and less at the bonds office and spent more and more time trying to cook. She had moved in with Joe after another pyro burnt her apartment, and he was using this as still more pressure until she gave in. She became decent at baking, but Joe insisted she learn to make their meals, and her mother backed it up. She spent most of her days waiting for a chance to call Tank and see what Ranger's status was, but even those moments became few and far between. However, she never stopped wearing his necklace, putting it around her neck every morning under her shirt and tucking it in her drawer every night before bed.

After holding on for so long, she was merely disappointed when Ranger came back for two days, then jetted off to save another country. She broke down and cried that night, blaming it on PMS when Joe pretended to care. He accepted that and went back to his phone call. Another four months went by before Steph realized Joe was around a lot less lately. She finally got up the nerve to ask, and he surprised her with saying he was taking classes with other new fathers so he would be a good dad should they marry and have a child. She almost bought that. Almost. Then she saw the light imprint of a woman's set of lips on Joe's cheek two weeks later, and realized the truth. But she kept quiet. He would just refute it, and she would be wrong again. She was tired of being wrong. So she shrunk into herself a little more. She just wasn't worth it.

When Ranger finally came back a full six months after he was -supposed- to be back, Steph had changed completely. She had given up the bond's office, was turning down Tank's calls, and had barely been seen outside the house. The last time she did show her face, though, it had been marred with pancake makeup. Hearing that little tid-bit on the grapevine, Ranger decided it was time for a visit. What he found made him curse his job, his entire company, and his own stupidity.

His first discovery was a new type of door-knob. This set locked on the outside, but also locked the person IN. There was a doggie door in the back, which led to a gated, fenced, and locked backyard. It was shaded by multiple trees, so he knew few people cared to look in it. The windows had been replaced to stronger, more permanent types. Only a few of them would open, and those looked like a type he knew to have keyholes on the inside - windows for the particularly cautious. Or particularly abusive, he thought, glaring at them. Staying low, he went up to the nearest window and peered into the kitchen.

There, standing over a hot stove, was his Babe. She was cooking something in a red sauce, and glancing every so often at a high corner in the room. He twisted himself around until he caught a glimpse of it, and immediately ducked back down. It was a video camera, and he could already tell that the red light was on. Morelli was taping her then, probably to make sure he could account for her every move. The entire house is probably wired then, he realized, shuddering at the thought. His babe loved her privacy, and this beast had stripped her of it.

Stripped her… He began to growl murderously as another thought occurred to him. He began to slink away, whipping out his phone as he crossed a few yards to get to his SUV. "Tank, get me Hector and our best AV guy. Tell them I want the fastest way to get to a private wire, and I want it yesterday." He hung up before questions could be asked, and sat staring straight ahead. If that bastard did what I think he did, they won't find his body. Ever. He stayed on this train until a black Cadillac pulled up near him and three men climbed out. Silently they trekked back to the yard. The AV guy, a newb named Blaine, hooked into the nearest line and trailed it out so they weren't too close.

While the others were busy, Ranger explained the situation to Tank, who seemed just as murderous as his boss. After all, Steph had been a friend to them all at one point. However, he retained the slightest hope that Morelli hadn't gone completely bonkers on them. This hope was dashed when the first file pulled up showed Morelli smacking Steph over and over and she fell on the bed. They were spared from watching the resulting action, as the tape had mysteriously been cut, but there was little doubt. And if that hadn't been bad enough, there were cameras in the bathroom, showing Steph in all stages of undress, taking a shower behind a flimsy clear curtain and… Everyone looked away as she was forced to undress and try her best to pleasure herself for the camera. They all looked to Ranger and raised their eyebrows. "Cal," he ground out before getting up and walking away.

Blaine immediately saved all the footage they had downloaded (which was less than a quarter of what was on the tape - much more had still been in transit when Ranger left) and got up. They all got to their respective cars, Tank riding with Ranger to keep the boss man on one goal. "We have to turn him in," he argued, knowing Ranger just wanted to destroy Morelli physically and be done with it. "Time in jail with people who hate him will do more than you ripping his limbs apart." Finally Ranger had agreed, and they were on their way.

Luckily it was Morelli's day off. They went inside and, without a word, herded Cal to an interrogation room. Hector went into the viewing room connected to it and shut it down completely, then stood guard at the doors while Cal was put into a chair and made to watch the videos. By the time they were over, Cal was snarling "That bastard is going to get his ass kicked off the force so hard he'll have a bruise the size of Texas. Then I'm going to take him down for all of this and put him in our worst jail with all the people he's ever arrested. That oughta do him right." He looked at Ranger, who gave a short nod, then said "Do it NOW so we can get her out."

Cal was stunned. "You didn't boost her yet?" he inquired, his eyebrows meeting his hair line. Ranger shook his head while Tank explained the initial reactions to the film and the result they would've had on a deeply scarred Steph. Cal finally nodded and marched out. "Call Morelli in, NOW," he barked at a dispatcher, who hastened to do so lest she be the next one up for a beating. She finally told Cal that it was taken care of and Morelli was on his way. In the mean time, Hector and Tank went off to brief Big Dog, who shared Cal's theory to the letter (well there was more physical punishment, but Tank nixed that, saying Ranger would be the one to do it if it happened at all). The two officers went into the interrogation room and waited until Morelli showed up.

"Um… what's going on guys? The dispatcher said to meet you back here but I don't see a criminal. Am I missing something?" he queried, obviously confused.

"Joe Morelli, you are a fine cop," Big Dog began, his face hard. "But you're a better liar. Otherwise we would've wondered about Steph before now. I hope you're happy you made it this long, you ass, because this is your last day of freedom."

Morelli stepped back, his eyes turning secretive, darting around. "What are you talking about Big D? Steph's fine. She's just busy with work and her buddies. You know how it is."

"Oh really?" Cal asked, his eyebrows raised slightly. "Because Lula and Connie haven't seen her in months. In fact, your own neighbors haven't seen her for a week, and Mary Lou wondered if she moved. Does that really sound like she was busy with other people, Morelli? Why don't you try another excuse, see how that works."

Morelli flinched slightly, his mind working fast. "She's been taking an on-line class," he finally offered. "The homework takes her all day, and she has to be home at all times for the professor."

"Oh cut the crap you bastard," Big Dog finally snarled, his fists clenched. Then he turned the laptop around and showed the screen to Morelli, playing the shortened version of what the guys had seen. "We know, you asshole, and we're taking you down. Even a few months with some of the guys you've brought through will do you reeeeeal good."

Morelli swallowed slightly, then darted towards the door. Before he so much as touched the handle, though, it swung open, pinning his hand against the wall. Ranger stood over him, so angry that he seemed to be towering over the evenly-matched Morelli. "Running?" he questioned, his voice deadly soft. "Should've known better." He forced the door a little more and heard a satisfying crunch as the bones in three of Morelli's fingers snapped. The former cop blanched, realizing he was up against an extremely pissed off, excellently trained professional killer who wanted him dead. "Prison doesn't sound so bad now, does it," Ranger stated with a grim smirk. "Now give me the keys."

After that, Morelli cooperated with everything. He signed a confession, he went through the finger-printing and photo process, and changed into an orange jumpsuit, his hand constantly cradled to his chest. While Ranger had left, Tank was standing there, and he towered over Morelli without being pissed. Since he was, though, he looked like the Eiffel tower to Joe's cottage.

In the meantime, Ranger, Big Dog, and Cal were all headed over to Morelli's old house. They carefully opened the door and walked in. "Steph?" Cal called in his most soothing tone. A whimper came from the corner, and they all whipped around, only to find a cowering Bob. Apparently, Joe's abuse hadn't been strictly on Steph. Big Dog decided to examine the real dog, staying in the living room while the other two walked around the lower level. Finding nothing, they headed upstairs. They eliminated those rooms until the bedroom was the only one left. Ranger motioned Cal to wait, then slowly opened the door.

There, in a room lit only by sunlight that barely penetrated the gloom, was a large bed. It took up almost all the floor space, leaving just enough for a night-stand on each side and a dresser in a corner. And on the bed was Steph, clad only in a short cotton nightie, and chained to the head and foot boards. Ranger did a double-take, then suppressed an all-encompassing snarl. He backed up a little and looked at Cal. "I found out what the other key is for," he spat out quietly, though he wanted to yell at the top of his lungs. When he went back in, he saw Steph's eyes. They were following him, and had been dark with dread. He realized what she must've thought, and approached slowly.

Flashback in Steph's POV

It didn't take long before Steph confronted Joe about the lipstick. He was getting more and more careless, so she figured he wanted her to say something. And she was right, to a point. He wanted her to say something so he could hurt her. That night was the first time he hit her - more of a punch, really - before telling her it was none of her business. Then he sent Steph off to bed, and threatened to hit her again if she didn't comply. She finally went ahead, deciding she'd just leave when he was at work.

Only she couldn't leave. When she woke up, he was gone, and all the doorknobs had been replaced. The windows too, or she would've tried that. After she finally tried all exits and came up stumped, she went to the kitchen and found his note. It was a list of chores, and he said that if she didn't finish, she wouldn't eat. She scoffed slightly, forgetting the fear of last night in her anger of the day. "I'm not a six-year-old, and I refuse to be told that I'll be sent to bed with no dinner." Still, she did some of them, crossing off almost half the list before he came home. However, he stunned her when he smacked her across the cheek, then sent her to bed with no dinner. Starving, she laid in bed and listened as a drill whirred downstairs, then coming up, then in the other rooms before finally the door opened. She watched with wide eyes as he installed two video cameras, one at the head of the bed on the ceiling and one at the foot of the bed over the door. Then he suggested they christen them. That was the first time he raped her. It was hard and fast, and he fell asleep right after with an arm across her stomach. She suddenly had little doubt that if she stirred during the night, much less get up and leave, he would be up seconds later.

Things went downhill from there. He forced her to perform multiple tasks during the day, sometimes rewarding her with a free night and sometimes punishing her in different ways. His favorite was to have her chain herself up half an hour before he was due home if she hadn't completed her list by then, and then he would come up and rape her to his heart's content before leaving her to struggle against the manacles. After a month of that, she gave up fighting, because nothing was left.

Present day, still with Steph

Now, something's different. She heard voices downstairs. One of them even called her name. But she resisted the urge to respond. It was probably just him with a voice-changer, wanting to lure her into a trap. She stayed still on the bed until she realized there was more than one set of foot-steps on the stairs. And they weren't coming straight to the room. In fact, she guessed they went everywhere else first.

Then, the impossible. The door opened and Ranger was looking at her. He looked her up and down, his eyes wide and black as he took in the chains and her covering. Finally something even more impossible happened. He began to leave. The door began to close. Her heart broke, and tears began to form for the first time in months. But before she could blink them away, he was back. And he wasn't alone.

Finally she tested her voice. "Cal?" she questioned throatily, before clearing her throat and swallowing. Then she looked at -him-. "R-Ranger? Please be Ranger." By habit she lapsed into begging and quickly shut up. Begging just made the beatings worse. But she wanted it to be Ranger so badly, she was willing to risk it.

Ranger growled to himself as a tear fell down Steph's cheek. She didn't seem to notice it as her eyes finally took in Ranger and his accomplice. He clenched his fists when he heard how scratchy her voice was, and hurriedly unclenched them when she flinched. "Sorry," she said, and he sighed.

"Don't be, Babe," he whispered, coming closer. "Let me get these off of you, hm?" he encouraged, taking the key out of his pocket.

"But I didn't finish," she protested. "He's going to be mad if I'm not like this when he comes home. I don't want another burn."

Cal shook his head in disbelief. "He's not coming back honey. He's going to jail, and he'll be gone for good. You don't have to worry about him anymore."

Steph just looked to Ranger, her eyes asking what her mouth couldn't. "It's true, Babe," he said quietly, opening the cuffs on her legs before moving to her arm. "I promise, that bastard is gone for good." As he was leaning close, he lowered his voice, possibly just for himself or maybe for her to. "With no pieces left for the birds."

The relief she felt was like nothing she'd experienced in a long time. Morelli was gone. Ranger was back. Then she remembered that Ranger didn't like her like that. Didn't love her like she'd always loved him. Her heart broke again, and more tears fell. She hoped they would pass this off as shock, but Ranger took one look and came close again, sitting on the bed next to her and beginning to rub circulation back into her legs. "Babe, don't think like that. I love you with all my heart, my soul, my life. I have for a long time, but I thought you loved Morelli more than you would me. Idiot that I am, I thought he was better for you. That's why I left so soon. I couldn't bear to think about you in his arms for much longer. But when I found out he'd hit you once, I had to get to you." He hesitated, then admitted "We saw the footage. At least, part of it. I know that he's progressed from hitting to… other things. And he will pay so dearly for that, he'll never have children. In fact, I'm considering making him a eunuch." He got the soft half-chuckle he was aiming for, and smiled slightly at her. "Babe I'm sorry I left. But I'm going to get you well again, and I promise that until you want me to I'm never leaving your side. We'll take it at your pace, and we'll do it your way."

Steph finally took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay," she said quietly, looking up at her constant savior.

True to his word, Ranger stayed nearby as EMT's bustled around. He convinced them to let him ride in the ambulance, and let the doctor know that he was staying through the night. Few people dared to argue, and when they did, Ranger gave them their biggest tongue-lashing ever, in a soft voice that his Babe couldn't hear when he was in the hall. Finally they were alone, and he sat in the chair next to the bed. "Go to sleep, love," he said quietly, resisting the urge to smooth her hair or offer some other sort of soft touch. The slightest movement made her flinch, and he wanted her well-rested for moving day tomorrow.

"Will you be here when I wake up?" she asked quietly.

Ranger nodded. "I promise, hon, I'm not going anywhere without you." She finally fell asleep with that on her mind, and he fell asleep with the plans of the next day in his head.

When she woke up, he was already examining her with his eyes, smiling when he realized she was awake. "Good morning love," he stated as she blinked. Finally she smiled back, which made him grin, which made her smile grow a little bit bigger.

After a moment she chanced a question. "Why are you so happy?" she asked curiously, though he didn't miss the way her body pulled back as soon as the words left her mouth. Rather than try to reassure her physically, though, he made himself stick to answering her question.

"Because," he finally said, "I get to take you home today. And then we're going to go shopping somewhere you've never been, and have dinner at a restaurant where you won't know anyone. There won't be anyone to ask you questions, and no Burg to pester you."

Steph's smile grew until it was a grin. "Really?" she asked hopefully, her eyes lighting up at the thought of being able to go out without being worried about screwing up in front of someone who could tell her mom or… Joe. She flinched at the thought of him, glancing around before relaxing. She was safe. Hoping to smooth over that, she spoke again. "It's like a birthday," she said softly.

Ranger nodded. "Yep. It's your first birthday with me. Let's go make it count." Together, they got dressed and left the hospital, heading to somewhere in Connecticut to shop at a mall she'd never been to, and eat dinner at a restaurant by the ocean. It was the best birthday ever, even if it was a different kind.

A/N: This is the longest fic I've ever written, at 5226 words and 19 pages. Just an idea that came to me on my birthday a while ago. Hope you enjoyed it at least somewhat! Review if you did - no meaningless flames please though. If you have a criticism, make it count.