A/N: Apparently I like counting in my fics. This started out as a series of drabbles in my head. I ended up connecting them together and again I don't think it played out in words as well as it did in my head. I started writing this from Jesse's POV and it ended up in Beca's so forgive me if it seems wildly OOC I don't know that I should write her ever. However hope you enjoy it and it doesn't suck too badly. The title comes from Collide by Go Radio.

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The first last time they were together he asked her why she pushed everyone away and when she couldn't give him an answer he told her she needed to figure things out because he was done. The thing she didn't realize until later was that even though she couldn't give him answer to his question she knew she wanted to let him in. She had figured that much out and it was partially because of him and his stupid movies and goofy smile and the way he wormed himself into her life without her realizing it. He closed the door on her before she realized that she wanted to change. But she did and she was going to let him in. She just had to get him to listen to her first. And she did.

The second last time they were together happened during initiation night their sophomore year of college. He told her he loved her and she totally freaked out. Her exact words were, "Dude, no you don't," before she bolted away because it felt like she couldn't breathe around him. Letting him in was one thing but him telling her he loved her... It was too much. It was too much, too soon, even if it wasn't that soon. She wasn't blind she knew he'd been holding it in for a while, but for him to actually say it out loud and to her... It was like once the words left his mouth she couldn't breathe. So she fell back into her old habits and bolted before he had the chance to say anything else. As far as she was concerned those were going to be the last words she ever let him say directly to her because this time she was done. He couldn't really love her. Those were big words, those were scary words and they freaked her the fuck out and she just needed space. Space that he gave her. He gave her enough space that so got drunk enough to show up at his door at three in the morning. They ended up in his bed tangled together beneath a bed sheet. She confessed that his words were scary because she loved him too but people leave, everyone leaves. He kissed the top of her head and assured her everything would be okay.

The third last time they were together he made her words come true because he left. She came home to find his bag packed and sitting beside the sofa. He said some words, she said some words. They both said some words that maybe even things they wish they could take back. But it didn't matter because in the end he left. It was a shock and her heart just stopped beating right then as he walked out with it in his suitcase.

The fourth last time they were together happened at Bumper and Fat Amy's engagement party. She knew he was going to be there and hadn't planned on talking to him, mainly because she didn't even know where to start. She was talking with Benji when he walked up and the sound of his voice startled her to the point she spilled her drink all over him. After that is was done. No matter how much she wanted to stay away it was like the Universe was fucking with her and she was just drawn in again. They ended up in bed together. Again a tangle of skin and sheets and emotions. There were more words but the ones that mattered weren't said because she couldn't say them. She probably should have disclosed the hotel room they ended up in was Aubrey's and not hers because Aubrey was beyond pissed when she found them naked in her bed. She knew she'd never live that down but Aubrey finding them wasn't the worst that could happen. The worst that could happen came in the morning when she woke up alone.

The last last time they were together well...

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She's in the mixing room at work adjusting volume levels and trying to clean up vocals when her boss knocks on the door to get her. It's meeting time. The meeting is a big deal for the company she works for. It's with some overhyped director of an indie film. The company she works for landed the job for all phases of post production and it's a really big deal. It the hype plays out right it could be huge for the company. She's been placed with the job of lead sound engineer which should be an honor. And she completely appreciates that her boss has that much faith in her. However, nothing about this meeting excites her.

She never wanted to be someone who worked just to pay her bills. But she had bills to so when she took a job at a small multi-media production company she didn't expect to like it and insisted to herself it was only temporary. Except she ended liking it even that temporary turned into permanent. She doesn't want to be a sound engineer forever, she still wants to produce music but at least with this job she's doing something with music. But movies that's not her thing. Movies are someone else's thing, someone else that she's been trying to forget about for a long time.

"You want to be a producer right. Have your own say. Impress me with the work you do on this movie and I'll give your shoot at producing." Her boss tells her as they make their way down the hall for a pre production meeting with the movies director and his crew. She knows the general jist of what she's walking into. Nothing's been filmed; they'll be given copies of the script, look at story boards, and talk about expectations. Nothing about the process excites her, but if this will get her a shot at what she wants then she's going to suck it up and do it.

The meeting room is filled with other co workers shuffling papers and some guy with shaggy hair and a six day beard she's never seen before. She assumes he's the director, and her assumption is correct as he stands up and introduces himself before he starts talking. Listening to him talk she's so bored she starts running the song she had been working on through her head making mental editing notes to prevent herself from falling asleep.

"Which one of you is the lead sound engineer?"

She's so lost in her thoughts and the music in her head that her boss has to nudge her in order to snap her back to the meeting. "That would be me. Beca." She forces a smile as she introduces herself.

"Well Beca, once we get into post production you'll be working very closely with this guy," the director waves his hand to motion up someone from the back of the room. "Jesse, our music guru."

She chokes a little on the sip of coffee she's taking because she's pretty sure she just heard the director say his music guy's name is Jesse and that's just an eerie coincidence. It has to be. She really wants it to be, there's got to be more than one Jesse that loves music in movies right. Wrong. Her eyes lock onto the man that walks up next to the director and gives an awkward wave and a goofy smile.

"Jesse Swanson. Movie music guru as the team likes to call me." His eyes lock down onto hers and she knows that this has to be as awkward and uncomfortable for him as it is for her. Not only were they going to be working together but according to the director they were going to be working closely together. She wishes she could disappear. No she wishes he would disappear. And she's really thinking about telling her boss she'll figure out some other way to prove to him she deserves a shot at producing, if that wouldn't throw her back down to the bottom on the ladder.

She spends the rest of the meeting completely avoiding looking at Jesse and she's pretty sure it's obvious that's what she's doing because she can't seem to shuffle through all the papers in front of her quietly. A huge wave of relief washes over her when the meeting comes to an end without any more attention drawn to her or to Jesse. But he manages to literally bump into her as everyone's leaving the meeting.

"I guess I'll see you in a couple of months," he says with a pressed smile before he disappears down the hall with the director.

"Yeah I guess so," she says as her stomach twists while she watches him walk away.

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It takes her a while to process what... No not what... Who. It takes her a while to process who she saw at the meeting. And it takes her even longer to process the simple words they exchanged. The way he said "I guess I'll see you in a couple of months," like seeing her was no big deal. It wasn't no big deal; it couldn't be no big deal because for her seeing him was a really fucking big deal. Except he spoke to her like it wasn't and maybe that means what she's feeling is wrong maybe she should just play it off like it isn't a big deal. Which would be completely possible if she wasn't going to have to work with him.

It takes her some time... A good amount of time but she finally gets up the nerve to make a phone call. The voice on the other end of the phone isn't surprised, in fact her doesn't even sound phased by the random call. She hopes it's not the last of her nerve because really this is the easier of the two calls she needs to make.

"I don't know what you want me to tell you Beca," the voice says firmly as he clears his throat.

She rolls her eyes despite his being unable to see her. She should have known this wasn't going to be an easy task. "Just give me something to go on Benji." She lets out with an exasperated sigh.

"He's working on his first movie. Indie film he's really excited about." It's a flat statement. A statement that states he's not going to willingly give away any information.

"I know that. Give something I didn't find out two weeks ago. I just-"

"You just what? Want to know how he's doing? Where he lives? What his life is like? I don't think I'm the one you should be asking about that. And if tried you'd know those thing already." Benji's tone isn't flat anymore; it's defensive, protective even. He's trying to protect his friend, his best friend.

She can hear it in his voice, but she's not at fault this time. And she thinks deserves to know what she's walking into. She thinks she deserves to know something. And she immediately goes on defense. "Wait a minute. I'm the one to blame? Screw you. He's the one who-"

"Waited. He's the one who waited for you to sing him that song. He's the one who waited for you to show up at his door. He's the one who waited for you to come home every night. And after the last time he saw you he's the one who waited for you to call and you never did."

His words instantly deflate her and she tries to hide the pleading in her tone with defensiveness, "Come on Benji, that's not fair."

"I learned a long time ago life isn't very fair." She can hear him release a breath as the words leave his mouth. The sound of a baby crying in the background ends their conversation. It doesn't really matter because there's not much else to be said because she knows he's right. He's right about a lot of things she's just not willing to admit to him.

Five minutes after they hang up a text message with Benji's name on it shows up on her phone. There's no new words, nothing he forgot to say. It's just numbers. Ten numbers to be exact. Ten numbers that she knows she needs to call, except she doesn't call. She still needs some more time to digest. And it doesn't help that when she looks at the number she realizes that it hasn't changed. His number hasn't changed. Jesse's number never changed. He waited and she never called. Benji's words echo in her head, he waited. Jesse waited. But her own words echo back, 'That's not fair." Hers hasn't either and it's not fair. Thinking about that just gives her more to digest.

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She doesn't call that night. Or the next, or even the one after that. Instead she starts making music. She pours herself into making music but it doesn't really help because every song ends up relating back to Jesse somehow. She tells herself that the day she makes a song that doesn't relate back to him is the day she'll call.

She's working on a mash up of Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes and Nelly's Just A Dream when her phone rings a ring tone she hasn't heard in years. She never changed his ring tone; she never took his number out of her phone. He wasn't the only one waiting, that's why when her phone rings a ring tone she hasn't heard in year she knows exactly who it is. She thinks about letting it go to voice mail but it's less than a week until post production on the movie starts so this really is a conversation she needs to get out of the way.

It starts out slow and awkward with half hearted greetings. They talk about the movie, they talk about her job. The cover the normal bases of small talk. She's glad he can't see the way she's gripping her phone or the forced smile on her face because she's waiting... She's waiting for something more.

Finally he admits that Benji told him she called and that his number hadn't changed. She thinks it's his way of telling her he's been waiting for her to call. She confesses she's almost called a hundred times, she just didn't know what to say.

"You could have started with hey, that's what I did," he tries to joke and she laughs just a little at the way he says it like this whole conversation should be easy.

Then she hangs up on him and calls him right back, "Hey."

He lets out a half laugh, then a sigh, "I'm sorry Bec. For..." There's a pause like he's working up courage or trying to figure out what to say next. "For leaving... I shouldn't have left like that. I was wrong; I shouldn't have left at all..."

He stops after that, he's waiting for her to say something. He's waiting and she knows he's waiting but she just... She just doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know how to take his words, or what he really means when he says he shouldn't have left at all because that wasn't the impression he gave when he left.

"Yeah," she says back as her walls go back up and she tries to shut him out. And she knows he can sense it because he lets out a huffed breath into the phone and they're no better off and the conversation comes to an end just as awkwardly as it started.

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He isn't there for the first post production meeting, she thinks for a moment that he may be avoiding her until they're forced to work together. But really it's probably because the meeting is just a viewing of a rough cut of the film and he's already seen it. The film is a love story. Two people happy, then falling apart, and then finding their way back to each other. It's pretty cliché in its story. The director emphasizes that the music involved will be just as much of a character as those in the movie. He's really passionate about the way he talks about using the music to tell the story. The way he talks makes it obvious to her why he picked Jesse to helm the musical aspect of the movie.

She ends up in the playback room with the director talking about music and ideas and things she thinks she could add to the story. The director doesn't know it, or maybe he does, but she's able to have this conversation with him because of Jesse. It's a little piece of him that's always stayed with her.

Their conversation is broken up by the sound of a throat being cleared. Her eyes shoot in the direction of the sound and she almost falls out of her chair when she sees Jesse leaning against the door frame. "Sorry I'm late my flight got delayed."

There's a slight smile on his face like he's keeping a secret he really wants to tell. She diverts her eyes away from him and back to the sound board ready to make this all about business and work. Really she's trying to hide the fact that he's caught her completely off guard and trying to collect enough time to put walls up.

"This is the man you should be talking this over with. Here Jesse, take my seat Ms Mitchell has quite a few interesting ideas. Go over them with her and get back with me." He says as he stands to excuse himself.

"I was listening the whole time," Jesse responds his eyes bearing down on her as he moves to sit. The way he's looking at her it's as if he wanted to make an awkward situation even more awkward.

The door barely has time to click closed before Jesse pounces on her. His lips on hers, his hands tangled in her hair. It makes her forget this should be awkward. He makes her stopping thinking altogether as she kisses him back. She slides back against the sound board and the music she had been playing blares around them drowning everything else out. Everything except the words he's whispering in her ear, "I was listening the whole time." He knows he caught her with her guard down and now she's completely screwed.

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Later that night she's sitting up wide awake leaning against the headboard as he's sleeping in her bed. His arm is draped over her stomach with his hand tucked underneath her body like a silent alarm that's going to be triggered if she moves too much. The room is dark except the glow from her alarm clock and quiet except for the sound of his breathing, steady and even inhales and exhales. She's toying with a curl of hair near his ear, the scene is peaceful and soothing or at least it should be. But she can't sleep because it all seems too easy. The way the fall into each other all seems too easy.

It's a really bad case of déjà vu because this is a pattern with them. Say a few words and end up in bed together without figuring anything out, it's now a pattern and it one that last time didn't have the best ending. She thinks she needs to put her guard up with him again because she fell into this too easily. And she can't sleep because if she doesn't sleep she can't wake up alone again.

She nods off for what feels like only minutes but when she opens her eyes the morning is bleeding through the curtains. And when she reaches across the bed she finds a cold empty space where Jesse should be. Her heart sinks into her chest and she swallows hard to choke back the emotion. It sucks for so many reasons, and it's even worse this time because this time he didn't just leave and be done with it. This time he left knowing they were going to have to see each other again. Fuck she was going to have to see him every day for the next few months. Her momentary sadness fades and she just gets pissed. Pissed at Jesse for leaving again, pissed at him for leaving in the first place but mostly she's pissed at herself for letting this happen again. She's furious at herself for letting him back in so quick and easily. She should have known this was going to happen. People leave, that's just what they do and Jesse has proven himself no different. She's berating herself in her head when she finally gets out of the bed to use the bathroom.

She lets out a quick scream as she flings the bathroom door open to find someone in her bathroom. Her shock fades and her eyes focus, it's not just someone standing in her bathroom, it's Jesse. He didn't leave and all the talking herself up she did in the last ten minutes instantly fades as she takes in what used to be a familiar morning sight. Jesse in his boxers with wet curls matted to his head from his shower hovered over the sink brushing his teeth. She never stopped missing him, but it's in this small domestic moment that used to be a part of their everyday life that she realizes how much she really missed him. A smile forms on her face and she leans resting her head against the door frame and just watching him for a moment. She kinda wants to freeze time right there except for one thing.

"Dude gross, that's my tooth brush." She shakes her head and takes a step closer.

"Sorry," he mumbles before he spits into the sink and rinses off the tooth brush. He moves in and kisses the top of her head, then a quick kiss to her lips. "I'm going to be late if I don't go get changed but I'll see you later."

He rushes out the door while she's still in the bathroom. When her apartment door clicks closed she let's go and smiles to herself in the mirror as she runs her fingers over her tooth brush. This time he didn't leave. He may have used her tooth brush, but he didn't leave.

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She works through lunch, Jesse tries to hang out but the director drags him out insisting they have things they need to go over. He brings her a sandwich and coffee when he comes back and practically demands she eat. Which she does making it very clear she's eating because she's hungry not to appease him.

It's the first time they've been alone since their brief moment that morning. They end up talking, really talking for the first time in years. The conversation starts with music, which seems fitting since they started with music. Eventually they get into deeper topics. They talk about the places their lives have gone without each other. They both admit they never stopped missing each other and that's probably why they seem to fall into bed together so easily. They don't talk about what the previous night meant. They don't talk about their break up; they don't try to figure out the past. But they do talk. And when they're done talking they agree to start fresh, take things as they come and one day at a time because they're both different people now. And she thinks that it's probably a correct statement to say they're both different people. Until he starts rambling about the song he wants to use in the movie and how he wants to break the audience's heart before it gets put back together, when he launches into his ramble for a good five minutes without taking a breath she knows that he hasn't changed. He's still the boy she fell in love with. And maybe she hasn't changed either because she's still in love with him. Not that she's going to let him know that. They're going to take things one day at a time.

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One day at a time basically lasts until they leave the studio that night. He stays at her apartment again. And then again the next night. By the end of the week they're leaving for work together. By the end of the second week they stop by his hotel and he checks out without even having to go to his room because all his stuff is at her apartment. He still uses her tooth brush every morning and it still grosses her out but if it means she gets to see him every morning again then she can live with that.

Things move really fast at work too. They don't have any hold ups or complications. She and Jesse mesh so well together it makes work easy. It makes a job she dreaded doing fun and she's actually really proud of the work she's putting in. And she's really proud of him. She just knows this is the doorway to more opportunity for both of them. And that's great but as they get closer to finishing up she can't help but wonder what's going to happen to them when it's all finished. She never asks him, and he never says anything about it. Maybe he's waiting for her to say something or ask. Maybe he's still on the one day at a time thing and is just riding it out until it's over and he leaves again. She hates that she thinks that way. She hates that she can't shake the nagging feeling he's going to leave again. But it's still there.

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"Jesse?" She calls out as she closes her apartment door behind her; she waits for a response but doesn't get one. He has a key so she knows he didn't get locked out while she was stuck at work in a meeting for her new project, producing the debut album for a new synth-punk band. They don't start recording for a couple of weeks, but she couldn't be more excited. It'll beat the hell out of all the paper pushing she's done since they finished up work on the movie.

"Jesse?" She calls out again and let's her eyes drift around the room until they land on his suitcase. His suitcase packed and places in the living room with the handle pulled up. Her mouth goes dry and she closes her eyes. This can't be happening. She always had the nagging voice that said it would but she doesn't want to believe its happening. She doesn't want to believe he'd just leave again with no warning. Or worse that he was trying to leave while she was gone.

"Hey, you're home. Sorry I was on the phone taking care of some things." He says scratching the back of his head as he walks towards her and leans in for a kiss.

She immediately pulls away before he has a chance to touch her lips and takes a hard swallow to choke back her emotions. "What's this?" She voice is cold and emotionless as she points to the suitcase by her secondhand sofa.

He makes a confused face as his eyes follow down to where she's pointing. He clears his throat before he speaks. "I can't just leave my life on a shelf..."

She's heard those words from him before. She knows how this goes because she's heard those words from him before.

"I can't just leave my life on a shelf for you, Beca. You're working for your dream I get that, and I love you for that as much as I hate you for it. You're putting everything you have into music and trying to make it but after your job and music there's nothing of you left for me. This is a shock to you because you haven't even noticed that I'm miserable."

She's shocked this time too. This time was different. At least she thought it was. It was different she noticed him and they were working together and she thought... Well she thought they were happy again. Here those words from him again she feels like someone is punching her in the stomach and ripping her heart out all at the same time.

"I'm going to L.A." He says more words she's heard from him and she feels like she's going to throw up.

"I'm going to L.A. I got a job offer and I'm taking it. I can't just stay here being miserable waiting to be important to you. I can't leave my life on the shelf for you anymore, I just can't. Unless you can give me a reason not too..."

"Jesse, don't if you're going to leave just leave. Don't drag it out this time." She closes her eyes and waits. She waits because she's going to leave her eyes closed until she hears the sound of the door closing behind him.

"Like last time. Like last time when I told you I couldn't leave my life on a shelf for you... Well I can't. I can't just leave my life on a shelf. I have to go back to L.A so I can pack up that shelf and unpack it where it belongs. Unless you can give me a reason not too..."

When she opens her eyes she's standing in front of her smiling. She cocks her head as her confusion fades and she realizes he's not leaving, he's waiting. He's waiting for her to give him an answer.

"As long as the unpacking involves your own toothbrush."

The last last time they were together well...

It wasn't the last time at all.