Disclaimer-I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters...So don't sue me...

If you like...read...if you don't...BITE ME!

Please review! This is my first fanfic and I wanna do better next time!

I sit on the edge of my bed thinking about that day. His body disappearing behind the curtain. He's dead. HE'S FUCKING DEAD! I scream inside my head. I need something, anything, to ease the pain. I hear Dudley come down the hall. I need to feel pain. I need to feel my bones crack and feel the white void or death. Maybe Dudley can help. I go out in the hall. "Hey Duddy! Mommy give you a hug lately...or are you to fat for her to put her arms around?" The reaction is immediate. I smile as the punches rain down. Pain...I deserve this. I did it. It's my fault... Slowly the world goes black...

I wake up to the yells of Uncle Vernon. I'm not able to understand what he's saying but I open my eyes blearily. I'm pulled up by the front of my shirt and thrown into my room. I smile as I climb onto my bed. I deserve this...I am the murderer. I killed Sirius...Cedric.

TAP TAP

"Go away."

TAP TAP

"Nooo..."

TAP TAP

"WHAT?!" I yell as I jump out of bed. I'm blasted by a wave of pain but I still manage to get out of bed and go over to the window where I see a miniscule brown owl frantically tapping. I take the letter from him and decide against reading it. What's the point? It's just from Ron and I am too sore to stay awake anyway so I collapse back onto the bed.

"WAKE UP!"

"Wha...?"

"Hurry your ass up and make breakfast!" shrieks Aunt Petunia. I try to stretch but wince at the pain. I go in the bathroom and study the pattern of bruises on my face. I smile to myself. I deserve this. I deserve more than this...

I quickly change and go downstairs. I pull out a frying pan and put bacon and sausage in it. As it cooks I set the table. After toasting bagels and scrambling eggs I take a yogurt out of the fridge and head upstairs. The letter was still sitting there so I decided to open it.

Harry-

Guess what? Mom says you can come over for the summer! We are going to come get you on the 25th. We are going to travel by floo powder. Write back and we'll c'ya soon.

-Ron

I throw down the letter. What's the point? I don't deserve friends. I need to get rid of this pain. I go into the bathroom. That's when I noticed the knife. Sirius. He gave it to me. I sit on the floor and caress the blade. I smile as I drag it across my skin. Deeper. Deeper. All over my arms, legs, stomach, chest. Everywhere I can. I watch myself bleed. Smiling I turn on the shower and gasp as the water passes over my wounds. I watch the blood go down the drain. The pain slowly fades. I get out and wrap a towel around my waist. Once in my room I gingerly put on a long sleeved shirt and pants. I feel good. Not guilty. Smiling I write Ron a response.

Ron-

Sure I'd love to come over. The 25th is fine. Can you come late so the Dursley's don't know I'm leaving?

-Harry

I go downstairs and begin my chores. I feel so good. As I go behind the shed after I mow the grass I find myself face-to-face with Dudley. He quickly pulls a cigarette out of his mouth and slams me against the shed wall. I gasp as my sore, cut body makes contact with the wood. "Don't ever tell anyone what you saw!" he hisses. A thought suddenly occurs to me. "I won't if you get me a pack." I say. After a brief look of surprise he says he'll get me some. "What if I got you an ID?" he asks. "Sure. Give me one now and I won't bother you. He hands me a cig and I walk away. Once in my room I light up. Ignoring the burn in my throat I inhale. Maybe I'll die a little quicker. I smile. There's a thought. It'll make everyone happy at least...

I've been smoking for a while now. Now it doesn't even make me feel any different. I need something stronger. I walk over to an alley where Dudley told me they sell some excellent weed. "Yo kid. Want some of this magic herb?" he asks. "Yea." I hand him a few pounds and he gives me a big baggie. I hurry home and roll it. Smiling I roll it and inhale. Now this is good.

I wake up in a few hours to Uncle Vernon pounding on the door telling me to make breakfast. I quickly dress and while I'm walking down the hall Dudley hands me a fake ID. "Thanks." He grunts and goes downstairs. I quickly pull out my wallet and put the ID inside. Now I'll have some real fun. After making breakfast I go outside to pull up the weeds on the flowerbed. I make slow progress but stop suddenly when I accidentally stab myself with the hoe I was using. I stare at the blood, enjoying the sting of a new cut. It's been five days since the last time I cut. I now always wear long sleeves but sometimes I roll them up while working. I now stare at my forearms. My creation. So beautiful. When I am finally done I take a shower and watch the ruby red blood seep out of me. So beautiful.

I go change in my room and light up a cig. Being sure to blow the smoke out the window I notice a cat staring at me. A cat with markings like spectacles around it's eyes... "Professor McGonagall?" I ask quickly putting the cig out. The cat jumps into my window and immediately transforms into a plump witch in red robes. The color of blood...I shake my head. "What are you doing here?" I ask while discreetly throwing the cig out the window. "The Order sent me to check on you. Just to see if you were ok." she says briskly. "Oh. Well. I'm ok. I was just about to go to bed" I lie. "Oh. Then I'll go. I can see that you're all right. By the way isn't it a little hot for long sleeves?" Oh shit! "Oh, I just have to do laundry all my other clothes are dirty." She nods "See you at Hogwarts Harry." And with that a cat jumps off the roof. Boy that was close. What would they do if they knew their Golden Boy cut and smoked?

I wait until dark and sneak out of the house down the street. Walking silently I go inside a package store. I grab a bottle of Vodka and a 6-pack. I show the dumbfuck my ID and hand him some money. Once on the street I jog home and carefully climb into my window. Time to PAR-TAY!

I awake to a blinding hangover and an extremely full bladder. After going to the bathroom I down three aspirin and make breakfast. Just frozen waffles I can't deal with anything else. Thankfully no one noticed how bad I looked. I suddenly noticed it was the 25th . I was getting picked up at 12 and headed to my room for some sleep. I woke up at 3pm and realized I had to pack. I threw my weed, beer and cigs in my bag then added clothes. Still hung over I took more aspirin and on second thought added that to my bad also. I piled it by the door and went downstairs for an apple. As I ate it I wondered about how Ron would take my smoking and drinking. What if he gets upset? How am I going to get away to smoke? Maybe I'll share. But then again he might be against it. I had noticed the weed didn't seem to work as well anymore and now smoked almost once a day.

I go up to my room and put some Breaking Benjamin on. I lay on the bed and doze for a while. I open my eyes what seems 10 minutes later and look at the clock. It says 11:45!!! SHIT! I quickly dress and wonder as I spike my hair how the Weasley's will take my new style. I've been labeled as 'goth' because of how I dress now. I am wearing black jeans and jacket with chains and a chain wallet. "Well fuck them!" I think as I go downstairs with my trunk. As I get into the Sitting room I am surprised to see the Weasley family looking at me from the center of the room.

Does it suck? Wanna give me ideas? Well I'm off....

Ash