This is actually kind of long and I fear a bit boring… I swear my next fanfic will actually have an actual story to it and be more interesting! But I wrote this is like… midnight, 1 AM, 2 AM, 3 AM… so please forgive me!
Canon-compliant, goes up to Sunday. Spoilers for the first three seasons, though jumps around a bit in season 3.
Disclaimer: I own nothing here
Oo GHOSTS of ATLANTIS oO
The earliest memory Meredith Rodney McKay had was when he was five years old and walking beside the shaded baby stroller his mother pushed. It was noon in summer, and his parents wanted to take Jeannie on a walk around the neighborhood. He was too young to stay home alone, so he had to come along.
He remembered seeing the old woman in front of the burnt frame of an old house on the other side of the neighborhood. He remembered thinking how sad she looked as she stared at the home. He remembered slowing down, his parents passing by the woman as if she wasn't even there. He remembered stopping just behind her, wanting to help her.
"Wha's wrong?" he remembered asking in that childish voice of his. The old woman didn't move for a moment before turning to look at him.
"This is my house," the old woman said, her voice soft and distraught. "What happened to my house?"
"I don' know," he had told her. "I coul' ask mah daddy." He turned his gaze towards his parents, who hadn't noticed he stopped. "Daddy!" he called loudly, getting the man's attention.
"Meredith, come here right now," his father had commanded.
"Daddy, wha' hap'n'd to thi' house?" he continued as if he hadn't heard his father's command.
"It burned down last week, now get over here."
The child turned his bright blue eyes to the old woman, who looked distraught. "'m sorry," he apologized, as though the house burning down was his fault.
The old woman then walked through the slightly charred gated up to the house's frame, where she sat down and simply stared. The child watched in confusion, but he couldn't see past the gate; it was closed.
"Meredith!" his father's warning voice reached him, and he ran to get to his parents.
When he told them he was talking to the sad lady, his parents simply looked at him. "No one is there, Meredith. Miss Peggy died in the fire," his mother had told him, then they moved on like nothing had happened.
When he looked back, the old lady was gone.
Oo oO
It was only a couple of years before he learned the name of what he'd seen that day; a ghost.
At first, he couldn't tell them apart from normal humans, and he became afraid to talk to anyone after realizing that the little boy he was playing with on the playground at school was actually the ghost of a child who was beaten to death by his own mother nearly twelve years before. However, as he grew older, Rodney found himself instinctively able to tell them apart.
He ignored the ghosts after that, not wanting his parents to have yet another reason to hate him. He found various ways to drown them out or pretend they didn't exist.
As Rodney grew older, though, it seemed the ghosts knew he was different from other humans, knew that he could see them. They began approaching him, asking for help getting out of their "in-between" state, help them move on to the Next Life so they wouldn't be stuck for all eternity or vanish into Oblivion. Rodney always pretended that they weren't really there, pretending he couldn't see them or hear their pleading.
At first, he turned to music to drown them out. When that fell through, he turned to science. Science, something he was really, really good at and thoroughly enjoyed… and, ironically, denied the possibility of ghosts existing.
He went through twenty years like this, depending on science to say that he wasn't seeing dead people and ignoring the dead's pleas for help. It was easy; he didn't really know any of these people, and he didn't really care about them.
He never did help Miss Peggy either.
Oo oO
There were many ghosts at the SGC, just like everywhere else on Earth. It unnerved him. He kept talking about anything and everything that crossed his mind, which was usually about how amazing and smart he was.
He made a few mistakes because that damn soldier's ghost wouldn't leave him the hell alone and he was for all intents and purposes banished, but he found in Russia, there weren't a lot of ghosts to bother him. In fact, the two there simply wanted to be left alone.
When he arrived in Antarctica, his barriers were high, but there were no ghosts there at all. For the first time in his life, he found himself bathed in blissful silence. Here, he thought, I can finally be alone. Things will finally be quiet.
Of course, he didn't predict that an Englishman, an American, and a Scott would worm their way past his barriers in their few months there.
He first met Peter Grodin when looking at the control chair. The man was trying to figure drones out, and the two had struck up a conversation about the ZPM, the chair, and the drone Peter was working on. At first Peter had been off put by his brash arrogance, but apparently he had seen something else in the scientist because, before Rodney knew it, the Englishman was joining him for lunches and sometimes dinner.
Elizabeth Weir he met when he first arrived. She had returned him snip for snark, teasing for sarcasm, respect for respect and he instantly liked her. He wasn't even distracted by the fact that she was a diplomat or a very attractive woman. Her personality made her stand up to him and not yield to his demands without question, and soon he found himself in her presence a lot.
Carson Beckett snuck his way in after confronting Rodney about his severe health problems, questioning 'ow th' bloody 'ell did ye get permission t' go through th' stargate?! After explaining that he was essential to the expedition, I know more about ancient technology than anyone else, except maybe Carter or Jackson of course… he figured that would be the end. Then he found himself in the infirmary after he ended up somehow eating lemon extract and one hell of a lecture from Carson about bein' bloody careful, ye daft fool. They got to talking and soon Carson was also at their exclusive table.
Before Rodney even knew it, they had become people he couldn't imagine living without.
Oo oO
Within the first two weeks on Atlantis, a place that was also blissfully ghost-free, three more people got past his barrier; a Pegasus native named Teyla Emmagen, a young American Lieutenant Aiden Ford, and American air force pilot Major John Sheppard. Rodney hadn't realized they had joined the original three until he was faced with their demise in a jumper lodged in the stargate.
After being saved by the combined efforts of his scientists and the brilliance of Radek Zelenka and (though he was loathe to admit) Kavanagh, he sat in his room utterly terrified because, even though there were no ghosts on Atlantis yet… there were six people he was afraid might be there one day.
And if they were, he didn't know if he could handle it.
Oo oO
The first ghost he saw on Atlantis belonged to a Genii. He had no problem ignoring that ghost, and soon it disappeared- whether on to the Next Life or into Oblivion, Rodney wasn't sure and he really didn't care. "Good riddance," he had muttered when the ghost finally vanished.
For weeks, though, he kept dreaming that it had been John or Elizabeth, Carson or Aiden, Peter or Teyla…
The second ghost he saw was Gall, looking as young and healthy as he had before the wraith got him. Rodney couldn't ignore his ghost, even if he hadn't been overly fond of the man. After all, he had been there when the man died.
Gall was smiling, and when he realized Rodney could see him, he said to him, "There was no other way and you know it. Get over it, McKay." Rodney didn't see him again after that, and he liked to think he went on to the Next Life. This didn't stop the dreams, though.
Then the nanovirus happened. Dumais, Johnson, Wagner, Hays, and Peterson all died, and Aiden and Radek would have as well in less than twenty minutes. Rodney saw all of their ghosts, and even though he hadn't been close to any of them, he couldn't ignore them either. It tore him up inside. The only reprieve was the fact that none of them were angry at him (except Peterson) and they all disappeared relatively soon after their deaths.
He dreamed of that day many nights afterwards, though. Sometimes in his dreams, he himself died; sometimes John was there and dying, sometimes it was Elizabeth, sometimes Aiden and Radek died, and sometimes everyone who was even remotely close to him died, leaving him alone and surrounded by their ghosts, asking him why why why didn't you save us Rodney you can do anything why why why…
Oo oO
The siege on Atlantis brought with it another realization; Radek Zelenka had joined the ranks of those inside his barriers. The terror that filled him when Radek said "if something were to happen, it should be me, not you" was unmistakable. Rodney knew there was a chance Radek could die in Atlantis, but he wasn't about to let Radek go when Radek had basically, for all intents and purposes, said "I'll die in your place." He didn't want to lose anyone close to him, and he especially didn't want them to die for him.
And then Peter Grodin died, Aiden Ford went missing, and John Sheppard went on a suicide mission.
He had hoped Peter's ghost wouldn't appear in Atlantis- hoped that his ghost would pass directly on to the Next Life. However, when he returned, there Peter was, watching the people in the control room, probably wondering who would join him among the dead. When he noticed Rodney staring at him, he simply smiled and said, "Hello, Rodney, fancy meeting you here. Everything will be fine."
Peter never passed on to the Next Life. Rodney was afraid this meant he would fade into Oblivion, but he never disappeared. It was very distracting to Rodney, and it reminded him a lot of the pain that seared through him as the satellite exploded. Peter would often seek him out when Rodney was alone to talk, since there was no one else who could hear him and actually respond.
Rodney didn't know if it was good or bad that he became used to this.
Several days after the siege ended, when Aiden's ghost didn't appear to him, he hoped it meant he had either survived or had passed directly on. John had returned to them, completely safe. One out of three. I lost two great friends.
Oo oO
Ronon was the next person to get past his barriers. It was surprising, to say the least, that the man got through. Rodney wasn't sure how it happened, he just woke up one day from his nightmares and realized oh God if Ronon dies I don't think I'll be able to deal…
The next time he saw a ghost that wasn't Peter Grodin was after John and Radek had saved him from a flooding jumper. He had been in the infirmary after a long time of decompressing, and he had felt an icy chill on his shoulder. His eyes had snapped open and standing next to his bed was Griffin. He said nothing, just nodded to Rodney before walking away. Rodney didn't see his ghost again, so he assumed Griffin had moved on… maybe Griffin's Next Life deals with tomatoes, Rodney had thought to himself one night as he drifted off to sleep.
Oo oO
Every time John ran off on some suicide mission to save everyone else, he always thought of that moment in the infirmiry, and he would swear his heart would nearly stop. He was so afraid that the next time he saw his friend, it would be his ghost saying goodbye before moving on.
He was sure that the absolute worst moment of his life, however, was when he had actually killed Radek, never mind the fact that he had saved him in the end. No, he hadn't just hurt or wounded or even scarred or mutilated or insulted Radek, he had actually killed the man, and no amount of magic-like healing would change that fact. In his arrogance, he had ignored the man's complaints, despite the fact Radek was trying to help him reverse the effects of the machine, and it had cost him Radek's life. He could practically see Radek's soul leaving him, and he had the sudden desperate feeling that he had to stop it stop it save him don't let him be the next Peter save him don't let him die stop it save him no please no I can't lose you too…
It was only a few months later that Carson died, and Rodney could do nothing to save him.
Carson never left Atlantis either.
Oo oO
Dead: Peter Grodin, Carson Beckett.
Almost dead: Radek Zelenka.
Missing or dead, who knows: Aiden Ford.
Idiotically brave and will probably die: John Sheppard.
Alive and almost safe: Teyla Emmagen, Ronon Dex, Elizabeth Weir.
Who will die next?
Oo oO
Rodney laid in his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. Carson was at the foot of his bed, talking about anything that crossed his mind… Rodney didn't answer, instead simply listening to the Scott as he never had when the Scott had been alive. He knew Peter would show up soon to begin chatting with the medic and possibly Rodney, but Rodney was too busy thinking about the friends who would most certainly die within the next few years.
"Ye've really go' t' forgive yeself sometime, Rodney. Ye can't keep holdin' ont' th' guilt. It wasn't your fault."
He wondered if they too would stick around like Carson and Peter. Would they choose to risk Oblivion just to stay and watch over their friends? Or would they move on to the Next Life, like the others had? Would Radek forgive him if Rodney couldn't save him one day? Would John return from his next suicide mission? Would Aiden ever come back to Atlantis, free of the enzyme's hold? Teyla and Ronon, would they make it to the gate the next time they're under heavy enemy fire? Would the gate shut off with someone- Elizabeth- in it? All these questions raced through his mind, and Rodney didn't try to push them aside.
"I find it very strange, you know. All my life I believed ghosts were just made up or something, yet here we are. I don't even feel like I'm dead, to be honest."
"Aye, I know wha' ye mean. I still feel pretty alive. Rodney keeps mentionin' a feelin' or need t' move on t' the 'Next Life' or else we'll begin to fade, bu' I feel no such things!"
He became aware of the fact that Peter had joined them and he sat up, watching the two European ghosts just talking about how alive their dead felt.
They're still here, he suddenly realized, still here and wanting to help, to make a difference. And neither had begun to fade or lose their form at all, neither were blurring at the edges… Peter had been dead for two years, and yet he looked as, well, fresh as Carson was…
"I don't feel any weaker than I did before we went to the satellite. If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was still alive."
"Me too, aye."
And he wondered is there a way to save them after all?