I dared not move, I knew to move just a little would wake him so I lay here breathing him in, feeling his soft, warm skin against mine. I move my head ever so slowly and looked down at his face it was resting on my shoulder, my arm tucked under his head moves slightly and he stirred. My breath caught in my throat in fear he would wake but he doesn't. His face inches from mine, I take in his features, feature I know so well and yet seem so strange to me. His eye lashes flicker gentely, His mouth ajar a tiny bit, his breath on my neck. I close my eyes and try to remember the last time i felt so home.
I dread him waking for I know what to expect, he'll blame me, he'll look at me with that way I try to pretend doesn't hurt but it breaks through my walls and makes me vulnerable.
I took advantage, I saw he needed someone to listen, I didn't mean to but I took advantage. At first he'd told me to do one, the look on his face then had been of anger but maybe after a while I had said the right thing or done the right thing and like in the past one thing had lead to another and he kissed me, he kissed me, he'd made the first move. I should have said no but i wanted him, I needed him to want me to need me, so here we are curled around one each other after all this time we were back here again.
It felt like we'd never been apart but I knew the minute he woke the peaceful look he has on his face now would die and he'd feel guilty, he'd say it was a mistake and I'd have to agree with him even if i didn't truly believe it because I need him to blame me for this because that's what I deserve after everything I've done to him or haven't done.. I deserved this So I lay here wrapped up in him pleading with him not to wake up, not to hate himself for what we have done.
...
Finding out about him and Doug was a shock but the more I thought of it, it wasn't to much of a surprise, he infected everyone he got close to, it was only a matter of time before Doug fell for him like I did.. Doug being Gay was definitely a shock.
I'd surprised myself by keeping my distance even though seeing them together for the first time holding hands and laughing sent me into a rage but I stayed away, I suppose I felt like I owned him something, I wanted him to be happy. Happiness is something I could never give him, I could never make him smile like that, I'd give my fucking life to have him smile at me like that.
I should have stay away but he was alone and I need him, maybe he need me so here I am fearing him awaking..and hating me, I can take him hating me, I really can but him not loving me...that takes my soul away, that breaks my heart. He stires again, his eyes flicker..he wakes, I stop breathing but i don't look away from him, his eyes open and he looks at me and...he smiles...