I ponder if I will one day be able to write a story that isn't dark and depressing. Don't own anything, wouldn't want to (too much responsibilty for little old me). Advance apologises for the grammar and any mistakes.
Dear Sara
Standing in the smouldering wreckage of our relationship, in which all progress we had made has been undone. I'm unable to stop myself replaying our world shattering final moments through my head . I can understand if you do not wish to here from, if the pain is still too real or too much to bear. But I feel the need to explain to you, to speak the words that went unsaid, to understand how and why we ended like we did. I sit here making note after note on the complete and utter mental devastation, I still marvel and wonder how it is we got this far. Wondering how something once so positive and life affirming, could become so twisted and destructive? Managing to cause the kind of wounds no eyes can see, but that never fade away.
Our break made more painful by the fact you broke through my walls, forced me to see through my prejudices and discovered the true you. Never before have I experienced such a bond with anyone beyond my flesh and blood, I was sure I'd found 'The One' The passion that was once hate transformed into love and for three great years and our home, the first place you ever called such, seemed like heaven, our own private oasis.
Then the tragedies struck with such quick succession, never giving as a chance to react, let alone fight back. It wasn't till after your abduction that the previously microscopic cracks began to show. The three of us consumed by our individual pain, us two especially let the silences stretch for days. You began to spend more time out and about with your friends, crashing at theirs with increased frequency as mentally and physically I pulled away. As I shunned intimacy, the flashbacks making me sick, you began to crave it like a baby does a blanket. The both of us too stubborn to talk, not wanting to burden the other with our pain. We had began to self destruct, unable to find the emergency stop. Our epic battles of the past hid in fear of the wars that followed, words were not exchanged politely our communication done by yelling. Our poor little angel caught in the middle, pleading for us to see sense. Unfortunately it'd had gone to far and we'd lost all trust and faith.
Our last night saw us whipping one another to the bone with our words of fury, striking out to stop each other from getting in. Then I overstepped that mark and placed the straw that broke the camels back, I accused you of sleeping with a friend. You looked at me with complete horror and disbelief written across your features, pain radiating from your eyes, and that's when I knew we weren't coming back from this. The moment you denied it, though in my heart I knew you were telling the truth I snapped and threw a vase at you. Not even the last piece of glass had hit the floor before you were out the door. The worst part is I was glad to see you go, for a split second I'd wanted you to leave, I was a fool to believe my heart could not and would not bleed.
They all blamed you with your seemingly stoic mask compared to the crippling emotions (namely that of regret and sorrow) that I unwittingly put on display. No emotions ever seemed to play across you face, you behaviour stayed the same, the only thing that was different were the souvenirs' on your face. A scattering of small cuts, from where the glass shattered, leaving a eerie halo in your wake. It angers me that the boys picked sides and made you a complete outsider and a scapegoat without knowing any of the facts. I watched in painful silence desperately wanting to plead for you to fight, but knowing my words would be futile as even though we're as through as through, you were protecting Lindsey and me from the monsters the boys could be. My silence and my pride though come at a heavy price as I watched you slowly die in battle with each and every snipe. I broke my silence briefly, tried desperately to explain, but they weren't hearing any of it, they'd decided for sure that you were to blame. What followed was your letters one addressed to Gil, the other to me. Explaining that quite simply you couldn't go on having lost the reason Vegas was your home, that being us quite simply. The only family you'd truly known.
I hope you find the freedom, and the answers to the questions I know towards the end plagued your every waking thought. And I hope you find someone one else to love, and to experience the sensation of family with again. Please know that I don't blame you, for how everything has gone, there's nothing of our time together that I wouldn't repeat. Without the bad times you can never truly appreciate the good times, though with you I break my rule of no regret. My sole regret I have in life is that I made you feel weak.
I do still love you, with core beings of my heart,
Catherine
x
Thank you for reading