V.N.N.
Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel Comics, New Line or Blade the Series. I also "borrowed" the Vampire Lestat and Dracula. But don't worry I'll send them home before sunrise.
Summary: Marcus/Krista. Very AU Comedy/Parody.
Imagine if you will dear readers that the Vampire Nation has just launched its very own cable news network…
Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen. Allow me, your humble writer to introduce to you the very first cable channel of its kind!
The Vampire News Network!
lllll
(Very upbeat news theme plays)
(Cue in announcer voiceover)
And now reporting to you live, directly from our studios at Chthon Headquarters located in the heart of beautiful downtown Detroit. It's the Vampire News Network, bringing you up to the minute news affecting the Vampire Nation.
(Music dies and so does one of the human cameramen. But not before he pans over to the anchor desk)
(A very handsome male anchor wiping his bloody mouth with a handkerchief comes into view)
Oh, good evening, everyone. I'm Marcus Van Sciver.
(Remaining cameraman pans over to the very attractive but annoyed female co-anchor)
And I'm Krista Starr. Welcome to another edition of V.N.N.
(Focus is back on Marcus who is trying not burp after snacking on the first cameraman who has since been replaced by another very nervous familiar)
And now for our headlines:
It seems that the growing avian flu pandemic that has been plaguing the human surplus, is now threatening to carry over into the vampire population.
Several reports out of Asia have confirmed that vampires feeding off humans infected with the H5N1 virus run the risk of contracting a much deadlier strain of the disease.
Currently, top scientists and virologists of the underworld have concluded that a vampire's unique physiology makes our race more susceptible to this lethal pathogen. It seems the disease's effects are even more potent due to our direct consumption of blood.
The public is now urged to avoid feeding on anyone that might have recently consumed poultry of any kind. Recommended dietary guidelines for the average vampire must now consist of lighter and healthier choices, preferably vegetarians.
However for those of you that still would like to enjoy a richer taste in your blood, you may continue to indulge in those humans that are partial to eating red meat products. Apparently the recent mad cow outbreak in humans has no affect on the undead.
So my friends, bon appetite!
(The very rattled cameraman shakily turns the camera back on Marcus' lovely co-anchor, Krista)
Well said, Marcus! So remember folks when going out for a bite to eat, avoid hunting for your next meal behind the local KFC.
(Krista winks at the camera and then resumes reporting the news)
Today in international news Overlord Byron, supreme leader of the House of Ebrus has just announced that he will be meeting with a special global committee, comprised of select members from all Twelve Houses in Geneva this week.
The focus of this emergency session is the ongoing hostilities between the Pure Bloods and the Turn Bloods. Violence in Eastern Europe has escalated in recent weeks due to the Turn Blood insurgency in the region.
The leaders of the Vampire Nation are hoping that these talks in Geneva will somehow forestall an all out civil war breaking out between the established government of Count Vlad Dracula and the local rebel faction led by terrorist leader, Deacon Frost.
We will continue to bring you up to the minute updates on this story as it develops.
Now back to you, Marcus.
(Marcus who has been staring at Krista's cleavage throughout her report, is suddenly startled when he realizes that focus is back on him)
Oh, yeah right!
(Smiles sheepishly then turns towards the camera)
And in local news, the murder rate in the undead communities of Detroit is on the rise. The underworld police after an exhaustive investigation have concluded that the recent rash of vampire killings is the work of a single insane and misguided individual.
This is a very dangerous criminal, ladies and gentleman. And he's not your average slayer. He is a Day Walker! Yes, that's right, the most reviled creature our kind has ever had to encounter, a disgusting half-breed.
Police have just released this composite sketch.
(A pencil drawing of a bald, pissed off looking African American vampire slayer flashes up on the screen)
The identity of this depraved serial killer is believed to be a one Erik Brooks, but he may be better known in hunter circles by the alias of Blade. Police have urged that the public at large to stay indoors and invest in a good security system.
And a final word of caution, if you must hunt please do so in packs.
Remember, there's safety in numbers.
And now let's go to our entertainment correspondent, Chase Covington. She reports to us live from back stage of Bathory Arena where the Vampire Lestat has been subduing his victims uh I mean his fans with his special brand of rock music.
Hello Chase! What do you have for us tonight?
(The screen splits to show both an image of Marcus and the platinum blonde vixen)
Hello there yourself, Marcus. I'm reporting to you live from back stage of the Vampire Lestat's electrifying concert! What can I say, he is absolutely mesmerizing! The way he's just hypnotized the crowd is really something to behold.
And Lestat looks amazing! For someone that is over 500 years old, he can still rock out with the best of them. He can sure give that Mick Jagger a run for his money! That old bag of bones is just reaching 60 and he already looks like he's got one foot in the grave!
Lestat, YOU ROCK!
And I can't wait for the after party! With all the zombified humans lumbering about, it'll be something I can really sink my teeth into!
Well I really must dash, I've just been told that our star is about to leave the stage. I'll see if I can try to get an exclusive interview with him!
And now back to you in the studio, Marcus.
(As Chase signs off, the broadcast image reverts to single screen format)
(Marcus turns to speak to Krista who looks completely irritated)
That Chase is really something, isn't she?
(Krista stares daggers at Marcus. She is positively livid)
She's "something", all right.
(Marcus who is oblivious of Krista's jealous anger continues to gush over Chase)
She always gets into the best parties, gets to hob knob with the rich and famous. And she looked down right hot tonight, didn't she Krista?
(Krista bares her fangs and roars in Marcus' direction before turning her attention back to the viewers)
And now for the weather report. There will be subzero temperatures in the bedroom of a certain vampire lothario, whom shall remain nameless. It seems that this so-called lady killer will be relegated to sleep on the couch with a bottle of lotion and a box of tissues.
(Turning to face a very appalled Marcus, Krista smiles sweetly)
And that folks is our weather, so if I were you Marcus, I'd bundle up. It's going to get pretty cold for you tonight. We're talking Arctic temperatures. And there's no telling how long this cold snap will last. It could be weeks.
(Marcus is scrambling for an apology. The home audience is shocked. And the cameramen are snickering. Marcus makes a mental note to eat them later as payback for laughing at his plight)
(Feeling uncomfortable, Marcus starts to tug at the collar of his dress shirt)
Uh, there you have it. Well folks I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight's broadcast. Just a friendly reminder, sunrise is at 6:15 am. For those of you still stalking the streets, please take shelter at any of the local safe houses to avoid solar combustion.
For the Vampire News Network, this has been Marcus Van Sciver.
(His very smug co-anchor chimes in)
And I'm Krista Starr. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Upbeat theme plays again as the camera fades to black)
THE END