A/N: Hello everyone! This story came from two characters who demanded that I make a fanfiction for them. Basically the idea came to me through a single scene, which will show up eventually in this story. This is also my first Destiel fanfiction and my first time writing a M/M pairing. I love feedback and constructive criticism, so if you see anything wrong please let me know! Hope you enjoy!
Dean Winchester sat in the driver's seat of his Chevy Impala, watching the figure disappear into the distance. Then he looked at the now empty passenger seat next to him. The Impala sat in the middle of the road but in park, the engine still purred. He felt another surge of anger boiling in his stomach. The anger made him slam his foot on the floor of the car and curse loudly. He wanted to punch something again.
Even in his anger though, he didn't want to hurt his car. He needed to punch something else. He looked outside at the road which was flanked by forest on both sides. Dean shoved his car door open and got out of the Impala, walking to one of the trees. He balled his hand into a fist and channeled all his anger into it as he slammed the fist into the tree trunk. The impact of course made him wince as the bark dug into his knuckles rather hard. He gritted his teeth as he saw blood on the back of his hand.
Cradling his bleeding hand, he turned and leaned back against the trunk. Dean let himself slide down into a sitting position, ignoring the bark scratching into his back and making his shirt ride up as he did so. He was truly alone now. His brother Sam had left him even after Dean had gotten him out of that godforsaken house. The little son of a bitch should have been grateful for what Dean did. He had saved his little brother from further abuse by that drunken father of theirs.
Sam hadn't minded it in the beginning after they left. In fact, he hadn't said much at all. The boy just kept quiet and let Dean take care of things as they started living on the road. Then Sam started becoming less dependent on his brother. He had started asking for things like a new laptop and books. Getting the money to even buy those things was hard enough already.
Just today, Sam told Dean he had been hiding something from him for a long time. Sam had made a bank account on his laptop and got registered through webcam chats and many emails. Then Sam had gone and gotten himself a job where he could work while on the road and money got directly deposited into his bank account. This had been going on for four years, starting the minute Dean got Sam a laptop a year and a half after they left their father's home. Sam had been saving up to go to Stanford. Dean was furious at Sam for hiding something like that. Sam had explained Dean wouldn't have liked it because it would mean he would have to leave and Dean would be all alone. And that was true! Dean was all alone now, because he hadn't stopped his brother from leaving. He had given his brother an ultimatum: If Sam got out of the car and walked away, Dean never wanted to see him again. If Sam stayed in the car, he needed to give up on his dream of going to college. Sam had chosen the former, and now Dean was left alone with just the Impala.
The sky was getting dark now and the air was getting colder. Even though Dean was dressed well enough in jeans, a plaid shirt, and a brown leather jacket, he still needed to get back in the car for warmth. He stood up and walked back to his Impala, climbing inside and putting the car back into drive. Despite not wanting to see his brother again, he drove in the direction Sam had gone and was relieved to see that there was a town just an hour away. Good. Sam would be able to take care of himself then.
Dean continued driving on, not bothering to stop at the town. He didn't want to risk running into Sam. He drove for a few more hours until he told himself he shouldn't drive anymore until he got some sleep. Dean got off on the nearest exit and ended up driving into a small town he didn't see the name of. He drove around until he found a motel and rented a room for himself. He allowed himself six hours of sleep before getting back on the road again.
Dean decided he would head to Bobby's. It was time to take him up on his offer. When Dean and Sam had left their father's house, it wasn't long before Bobby caught the news of what had happened. He had called Dean and offered a place to stay, but Dean had declined, saying he could take care of himself and Sammy. Bobby told him the offer still stood, and Dean hoped that was still true even now.
Dean drove to South Dakota, which was about an 8 hour drive from where he was. He tried to log as many hours as possible into driving, but ended up staying in two motels along the way. Finally he reached Sioux Falls, S.D. and got to Bobby's house. He walked up to Bobby's door and took a breath before knocking. It took a minute before the door opened and he saw Bobby standing there.
Bobby Singer was a man who looked to be in his early 50's with a slight beard and mustache, and wearing a trucker hat. His eyes widened when he recognized Dean and smiled. He did notice Dean's brother wasn't around, however.
"Boy, it's good to see you. Where's Sam?" Bobby asked.
Dean gave Bobby a dark look and he understood it was better to wait until they sat down.
"Ah," Bobby nodded slowly. "Well come in. I'll get you a beer and you can tell me what's been going on."
The older man stepped aside to let Dean in and Bobby went to the kitchen to retrieve some beer for them. Dean sat on the couch and nodded in thanks to Bobby when he handed him a beer. Dean popped it open and took a long drink as Bobby sat in an armchair.
"Okay boy, talk to me. Where is Sam?"
Bobby looked at Dean, thinking the boy looked tired. There was something like anger and guilt in his eyes. Dean caught him looking and looked away, sighing heavily. Bobby gave Dean a minute to pull his thoughts together. Finally, Dean explained yesterday's events to Bobby.
"It's not that Sam wanted to quit life on the road and go to college that's bothering me, Bobby. It's the fact that he lied about it for four years. Four years, he had a job and was making money. It's like he didn't trust me! I was so pissed at him yesterday, and damn it I'm still pissed!" Dean shook his head and took another long swig of his beer. He glanced at the bottle and was surprised to see he had already downed the whole thing. Dean put the empty bottle on the coffee table and looked back to Bobby. "I told him if he left, I never wanted to see him again. And the little bitch did just that.
Bobby studied him carefully for a few moments. Then he said, "So what are you going to do now?"
Dean sighed again and leaned forward, sliding a hand down his face and shaking his head. "I honestly don't know, Bobby."
"Well son, you remember I told you that you boys were welcome to stay here. That offer still stands."
Dean made the smallest sign of a smile. It was one of relief. However, he didn't want to be a burden to Bobby. So he said, "I won't stay long. I'll get a job and work until I have enough to get a place of my own. I don't want to be living here without pulling some of my own weight."
"Well, I could use an extra pair of hands in the yard. How about working for Singer Salvage?" Bobby offered. "Besides, considering the good condition your ride is in, I take it you're pretty good with cars."
"Are you sure?" Dean asked. Bobby nodded and Dean smiled a little more. At least there was some hope left for him. Now all he needed to do was avoid screwing it up. "Thanks Bobby," said Dean.
"No problem at all, boy. Come on, I'll show you what I'll be having you do in the salvage yard." Bobby stood up and Dean got up to follow him.
They went outside and into the yard where tons of old cars and different parts sat around. Bobby led him to the garage where the main business is done. He explained to Dean that it would be his job to make sure all usable parts were in working condition, as well as keeping them clean and making sure no parts were rusted. Dean said he could start right on the next day and even though he was technically family to Bobby, he still had to fill out a form and sign a contract.
Bobby made dinner that night. He just popped a frozen chicken in the oven and made some beans to go with it. It was brought to Dean's attention that this was the first home cooked meal he had eaten in a very long time. A sense of nostalgia came over him as he ate his food. Dean was very grateful for Bobby letting him stay at his place. He knew he had made the right decision in coming here.
When on the road with his brother, they didn't really have any direction in their life. Dean didn't want to stay in one place for very long either. They had managed to stay in an apartment for a few months, but Dean was incredibly restless. He wanted to get out and drive. One night he had made the mistake of leaving Sammy alone and they had ended up getting robbed. So they had left the apartment and resorted to living life on the road, with just themselves and the Impala.
Dean still needed money for gas and motels, so they ended up doing small jobs around the country. It worked for a while, and then they had mysteriously begun getting money from what seemed like nowhere. Dean now knew it had been the money Sam had been earning, but Sam had lied and told him it was being sent by Bobby who had given Sam his credit card information.
Even as Dean went to bed in Bobby's spare room, he still wanted to move around. He told himself it wouldn't be as much fun if there wasn't anyone with him. He knew Bobby wouldn't want to go driving around the country. The man already had his own house and job and everything. Dean couldn't do that to Bobby, but he didn't want to be alone either. That was really why he had opted to stay at Bobby's.
Dean slowly adjusted to life at Bobby's house in Sioux Falls. He got a paycheck at the end of every week, though he wasn't sure where Bobby was getting the money to pay him. He had asked one day and Bobby had just told him not to worry about it. Dean had to admit that it was a lot better being able to sleep in on days when he wasn't working. On the road, they had to leave at a certain time when staying in motels. Now Dean could get a decent amount of sleep each day.
The only thing that didn't change for Dean was the nightmares. He still had them very frequently. Luckily he didn't make loud noises when he had them, just small grunts and whimpers. He didn't want Bobby asking questions because then that would mean Dean would have to talk about his feelings. Dean Winchester did not do feelings. He had always told Sammy, 'no chick flick moments.'
The nightmares always took place at their father's house. It usually started with yelling and the sound of Sammy crying. Dean would get furious and at that point, the dreams usually got very violent and usually ended the moment a gunshot was heard.
Sometimes the nightmares would be worse, taking up a majority of the night when Dean slept. It was the days that followed when he looked the worst. Bobby had noticed and asked several times what was going on. Dean kept being stubborn and refusing to tell Bobby, saying everything was just fine. One day when Dean wasn't working and was sat on the couch watching TV, Bobby came into the room with a frown on his face.
"Dean. You've got to get out of the house," Bobby said sternly.
Dean looked at Bobby in confusion. "Why?"
Bobby rolled his eyes and said, "Why do you think, boy. Unless you're working, you're in the house laying around and watching TV. And I can't be the only person you talk with for the rest of your life. I may live like a recluse, but even I make an effort to keep in touch with people outside of my home. You should do the same."
Dean shot him a glare, but Bobby only crossed his arms and glared back. He had that certain effect on people when he was trying to make them do something. It worked on Dean. He sighed and got up to his feet, reluctantly grabbing his jacket and throwing it on.
"Fine, Bobby. I'll come back later," Dean grumbled.
Dean walked out of the house and got in his Impala. He got in and drove into town, not even knowing where he was going to go first. He drove around, getting a feel for the town's layout. It was nice and easy to get around. Dean made mental notes whenever he saw a bar or a small café. He would need to remember their locations.
Eventually Dean found himself on the same roads again and again. He came to a stop in front of a church. He didn't know why he was there, because he wasn't the religious type. Churches were for praying and 'finding Jesus.' Dean shook his head and continued driving. He found himself going by the church again and again. He looked at his meter and found he was running out of gas. Dean knew he would need to refuel soon. In the time he had been looking in his meter however, Dean had ended up stopping in front of the same church.
Then a sign caught his eye. It was one that had confession times on the sign; one frame being 1pm-4pm. Dean glanced at his dashboard and at the clock, which read 3:50 pm. Dean started to wonder if this was some kind of sign. He scoffed, wondering why the hell the universe would choose a church to be some sort of sign. He wasn't the religious type. He never prayed. He had never attended church. Why should he start now? Dean shook his head and tried to remember where he had last seen a gas station. He remembered seen one four streets over from where he was. That would take up a considerable amount of gas, and he might not even have enough before he got there.
Sighing, he looked back to the church. It was definitely a sign. It had to be. It was either a sign or him screwing everything up as usual. Dean looked back at the sign that spoke about the confessional times. He had a chance to do one now if he wanted. Dean sighed, wondering if he could somehow absolve his own sins here. He guessed it wouldn't hurt.
Dean parked the car in the church's parking lot and headed inside. The church was mostly empty, but probably because it was a Saturday. There was one couple sitting in one of the pews and they seemed to be deep in prayer. A man was coming in his direction, and Dean thought he was going to speak to him when the man just continued on past him. Dean shrugged and looked around for where the confessions box was.
He walked down the aisle between the pews until he saw a sign pointing to a doorway. It was where the confessions box was supposed to be. Dean headed through the doorway and saw that it was currently unoccupied. He stood there, staring at it. He wondered if he should really do this or not. What if the priest on the other side didn't like what Dean told him and decided to ignore him or something? What if there wasn't even a priest and Dean was just sitting there talking to air? Dean shook his head trying to clear the thoughts out of his head. He was being ridiculous and he knew it.
Dean swallowed nervously as he went to the side that was meant for him to sit in. He opened the door and went in; sitting on the small bench provided and looked at the slot on the wall. There was a light coming through the slot, so Dean hoped that meant there really was a priest on the other side. He took a deep breath and spoke, hoping he was saying the right words.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
Dean waited a moment, and didn't hear anything. He frowned, wondering if he was doing this wrong. Then a voice came through the slot, and it sounded like it belonged to someone younger than Dean had expected a priest to be.
"I have not heard your voice before. Is this your first time confessing here?"
Dean swallowed and said, "Yes…actually it's my first confession anywhere."
"I see. Go ahead and speak. You are safe to confess, for only God and I will hear you."
"Okay…Father, I've done things I'm not proud of. A long time ago I really hurt someone. I hurt them really badly. I told myself I was doing it to protect my brother, but even he knew it was wrong. I became selfish and took my brother with me. I didn't want to be alone, so I kept him with me for company. Then two weeks ago my brother revealed that he had been hiding something from me. He had lied to me and revealed he had been saving money for a chance to be on his own. The kid wanted to go to college. I…I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay with me in our Impala while we went around the country doing whatever. But I was piss-I mean, angry at him. I let him go, but I also told him that I never wanted to see him again. Now I regret saying that." Dean sighed and put his face in his hands, wondering if the priest would respond.
"What is your name? I will not betray your privacy, I just wish to have a name to call you by," the priest said after a long moment.
Dean nodded in understanding and mentally kicked himself because the priest wouldn't have even seen that. "Dean. My name is Dean," he introduced himself.
"Dean…I imagine you are in a great amount of pain right now. Though I cannot see your face, I can imagine the guilt you must be feeling," the priest spoke softly through the slot in the wall. "First, I must ask you. Do you truly regret your past actions?"
Dean was silent, considering the priest's question. Did he regret saving his brother from their dick of a father? No. Did he regret dragging Sam along on his life on the road? He didn't. Did he regret telling Sam he never wanted to see him again? Yes. He did.
"Some of them," said Dean. "I regret not forgiving my brother for hiding something like that from me and I regret what I said to him before he left. I regret those few times I left him alone and his life was put in danger. I do not, however, regret saving him from a life of abuse."
"I see…" the priest was silent for a minute. Dean raised an eyebrow, not sure what to make of that. Then the priest continued speaking, "Dean, to forgive is one of the hardest things anyone can do. In this case, I think before you forgive your brother, you need to forgive yourself."
Dean snorted. That didn't even make any sense. At least not right away however. Then he sort of understood, but he wasn't sure how to do that. "How?" he asked out loud.
"Consider your reasons for your actions, Dean. It will take some self-discovery, but understanding the reasons behind your sins is one of the first steps to healing your soul," the priest replied in a gentle manner.
Dean nodded, but remembering that the priest couldn't see him, he spoke out loud. "Alright and what if my reasons weren't exactly good ones?" he asked, thinking of his selfishness in keeping Sam with him as he rode around the country.
It was if the priest had read his mind, because he said, "Are you referring to your selfishness towards your brother?"
"Yes…how did you know?" Dean looked towards the wall as if the priest could see his questioning gaze.
"I have good intuition," the priest said simply.
Dean shifted uncomfortably. If the priest had been that accurate, then what other things could he be accurate about. Dean glanced at his watch and saw that it was now 4:14 pm.
"Thank you father…I think I'm going to go. Sorry," Dean apologized before standing up.
Before he left, the priest spoke one last time. "Dean, I hope you will come back again. I think these talks might be good for you."
Dean looked over his shoulder at the slot. "Yeah…maybe," he said uncertainly. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to come back. "I'll think about it."
He left before the priest could say anything else.