A Will to a Friend
By: Miyuki Usuki
A/N: Saiya-jins out of character? Maybe. Don't flame me for that. Also, since I haven't written fanfics in a long time, and since I'm trying to get back into "the groove", this probably isn't my best work. I might improve this later, or I might delete it and pretend it never existed. Right now, I'm trying to practice so I can get better at this stuff. ^^;; This is extremely, uh, mushy and sappy, which is a bad combination. You have been warned.
To Bardock:
Before I even start acting all non-Saiya-jin like, I just want to get one thing clear to you: You must only read this after I die. I somehow get the feeling that I'm going to die before you, but time will tell, right? You may be asking yourself right now: Why did I feel impelled to do this? What date did I write this anyway?
Oh, let's just say that it was sometime after the little "mishap" we had on Itameru. Yeah, the one when it was actually me that had to be put in the healing tank, and for once not you.
Okay, maybe sometime after I got out of the healing tank. Maybe about a week later. It wasn't only Itameru; it was also the events after it. I knew I had to pay you back some way, and this is how I did it. Too bad I'll be dead when you read this. I know I would laugh to see the expression on your face--but I guess I shouldn't say that. After all, I'm dead, right? Although we are Saiya-jin, I do know that this would probably be a hard time for you, losing a friend and all. At least, I know I would be depressed terribly. Not even Panboukin would be able to cheer me up.
I bet that's what he has been doing to you, if I know him well enough. Don't worry; he's the kind of Saiya-jin who refuses to let out the tiniest bit of emotion. I'm sure he feels the same way as you.
If I sound a "little" conceited, I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to not believe that you and the others would be happy I was dead. Especially you! I don't know how I died, but if I did die doing something selfish, well then, shame on me! If I committed suicide, which I highly doubt, then you have the right to hate me. But I don't know why I would. I think I live a pretty good life so far.
Excuse me, had lived a pretty good life.
I have no idea how you came to find this note; I know I didn't leave you a message to come and find this. I guess later on I'll find a place so that I can make sure you'll read this sometime after I die. Oh, what am I saying? This isn't a stupid diary those aliens on Vegetasei keep!
But maybe this is the better way for me to say: I'm sorry that I died.
Damn this using ink thing! Okay, fine. I know it isn't my fault I died. At least, I'm pretty sure of it. Then again, you know, so you can answer that question for me. You'll know whether or not I should apologize. After all, we are best of friends ... or claim to be the week after we came home from Itameru. That's what I consider us as, at least.
Okay, now that I finished that line of thought, I forgot the purpose of this will/letter.
Just the thought of myself being dead is keeping me from thinking clearly, I think. Well, I have an excuse. I'm a Saiya-jin. We don't have to think clearly if we don't want to, right?
Okay, now I remember why I started this will/letter.
We have been best friends since we were toddlers. Damn, I remember when we first met. Remember: thank the elites! They were the ones who unintentionally brought us together. Stupid elites bullying us around just because we were low-level, well, we showed them!
What I'm trying to tell you is that, well, it's hard for me to put this into words, and although some of the words are in my head, I can't seem to say them. Like I said in the beginning of this will/letter, I will go non-Saiya-jin like. All right, let's see if I can write them down now...
Since we have been friends for most of our lives--in fact, for as long as we can remember--I believe that we share each other's safety. I just feel compelled to protect you when others can't ... and when others can I still feel it is my responsibility. I always feel and felt guilty whenever you went into the tank. Yeah, sure, I may sound overprotective, but I cannot stand the thought of you being close to death, much less dead.
Maybe that's why, in a way, I wished that I will die before you so much that I have an extremely strong feeling that I will.
Or, if you're reading this now, I would. And I was right!
Bad time to get conceited, both now and when you read this. Or are reading this. Ugh, I'm confusing myself. I'll try not to get all cocky again, but no promises! We are Saiya-jins, after all.
Anything else that I might feel about you? Well, I can't say. I mean, I know what I feel, but I can't describe it. Sure, I hate the thought of you dead, and sure, I forgive you for everything wrong you have done--though I know you have done those for a reason. Maybe not a good reason, but a reason nonetheless.
You know, I don't know what will happen between the end of this letter/will and the time of my death, and/or the time you read this letter/will. But whatever happens, I want you to know that I will always be your friend, no matter what the crisis, no matter what the problems, no matter what the consequences. The reason why I call this a will is because I want you to know that you are entitled to anything I have owned. Anything you don't want of mine, you can do as you please.
I know there is something that I have and lost that you once had and now have lost, and want it back. It belongs rightfully to me, but I'm sorry I can't give it back to you. Forgive me, and please live your life to the best of your ability. Don't waste it like I most likely did.
And don't take anything or anyone for granted anymore. I know that after I write this letter, I won't, just in case I lose it. Or rather, her. Because I know I will never lose you.
All right, I'm done being non-Saiya-jin like. Now, go live your life! Take care of anything and everything you need to before your life is over! That is all I ask of you.
Signed ~~ Toma
It was ironic that I found this letter tucked carefully between not one, but two of the cloths of Toma's old rag. It was a little soaked, but that was okay because I could still read it just fine. I always wondered why he wore that white cloth on his arm all the time, and now I know why. He meant for me to take it. He meant for me to claim his favorite shred of pure clothing as my own. That's what this letter was telling me.
I remembered Itameru. A small mob of survivors ambushed us from behind when the five of us were getting prepared to go home. Somehow they knew I was the leader; most of them ganged up on me. Panboukin, Totepo, and Celipa were busy with only one--they were the weakest of us, but still pretty damned strong. Toma was the only one who came to help me, and he was the only one of us who was severely beaten in the end.
The events after he got out of the rejuvenation tank? Those I can't remember. It sure seemed pretty insignificant to me! Maybe it carried significance for him during that time for him to begin this letter. Of course, I think it was during that week he started wearing the white cloth, which is now red with his blood.
"Not even Panboukin would cheer me up," the letter also read, and continued to go on to, "I bet that's what he has been doing to you, if I know him well enough."
I wish. Panboukin, like Totepo and Celipa, was dead. Also like Toma, too. I avenged their deaths, but it still was not enough. So what was it that was missing?
Of course. I didn't have my closest friends with me. We were practically almost always together and inseparable to the end. Well, it sure seems like the end now that all four of them have been murdered. I would never see them again or communicate with them again. But, although they were dead, they are still my friends. Toma was smart enough to know that all five of us would still be friends, especially the two of us.
Damn. How did my luck turn so rotten to have lost such great pals? They were irreplaceable! And Toma really was one of a kind among the Saiya-jin. He normally submitted to his inner feelings, never told lies, and most of all, he went as far as to write something like that letter without the fear of me demoting him from a prideful Saiya-jin to an emotional one. Well, he was emotional, and while he did let it show most of the time, he made sure to let the public see the least bit possible.
Freeza will pay for ruining my life.
I wondered, who did I have left? Toma told me to not take anyone for granted anymore, for he knew that he wouldn't. I think that he did a pretty good job, but it was my fault for not accepting it one hundred percent. I wonder, did "she"--whoever she was--appreciate and accept Toma's loyalty to the best of her ability?
If "she" was Celipa, I bet she did.
But who did I have to turn to? Oh, let's see, Sarada, if I was desperate enough. I did not have the slightest clue where Raditz was, and Kakarotto was a weakling and an infant. Kinoko was dead. There was nobody left for me. And what was the point of having anything to live for either?
There was a point. And I knew exactly what it was: I needed to fulfill all of Toma's requests. That was everything I had to take care of, and that was everything I had to live for.
And as a symbol of that, I folded the letter back up and stuck it in my pocket, and retied Toma's bloodied cloth back onto my head. As long as I live, he will not be forgotten, nor would Panboukin, Totepo, or Celipa. If Toma had gone through all that trouble writing in ink and spilling his thoughts of five years ago to me, then I owe him as much to carry out his requests he wrote and the requests he made to me when he was dying.
No, not because I owed him. Because he was--no, is my best friend. There wasn't a single thing I could think of that could change that. Ever.