SCENE 1: THE GOLF COURSE
(It is dark. A lone figure runs across the sharply cut grass. In front of him, he can see a range of multicoloured buggies. His codec beeps...)
Snake: This is Snake. Do you read me, Otacon?
Otacon (over codec): Loud and clear, Snake.
Snake: Look, Hal, why the fuck have you lead me to the golfing green?
Otacon: Well, this will be your mode of transport, Snake.
Snake: Where?
Otacon: Erm...the golf buggy. Pick your colour.
Snake: You're joking?
Otacon: No... the Philanthropy budget is low at the moment Snake, and well...
Snake: Fine, I'll take the damn golf buggy. (Squeezing into pink buggy) I suppose the –huh- budget doesn't allow for –nyah- Crunchy Nut Cornflakes either?
Otacon: Sorry Snake. It's gonna be Tesco's own for the next few...decades.
(Snake makes an annoyed grunt before starting the golf buggy's wheezing engine. It bangs comically and emits smoke before struggling over the fairway.)
Golfer: Hey asshole! I'm trying to putt here!
(Snake drives over him, crunching him into the ground before driving on)
Golfer: I'll...get you...you...bastard...
(Golf buggy stops dead)
Golfer: Nyah! (Crawls and hides behind nearby tree)
SCENE 2: SURBURB
(Much later. Golf buggy trundles along a deserted suburb with chequered, blood covered golfing pants trailing behind.)
Otacon (over codec): Hey, Snake, what did you do to that golfer?
Snake: Oh, he just got a little tyred.
Otacon: From now on Snake, we'll have to communicate by walkie-talkie. You'll find yours under the seat.
Snake (after finding walkie-talkie): Why?
Otacon (over walkie-talkie): I kinda sorta bet the company payroll.
Snake: And lost?
Otacon: Actually I won. But you know the Yakuza these days...
Snake: (sigh) Why can't I be in charge of finance?
Otacon: Because you're thick as pigshit.
Snake: Oh yeah.
Otacon: Anyway Snake, this is your mission. You must sneak into Solidus's party without being seen and steal all the booze. For extra dog tags, leave him an insulting note on his pillow.
Snake: Right.
(There is a long pause)
Otacon: What are you waiting for?
Snake: For you to say: "Let's take a look at your gear."
Otacon: Gear? Hah! Erm, payroll, Snake.
Snake: (sigh) So no SOLITON radar.
Otacon: Hah hah, Snake you crack me up. No. But I have left you a map.
Snake: (Unrolls map) This is a map to the nearest KFC.
Otacon: Meh...
SCENE 3: OUTSIDE BIRTHDAY PARTY
(Much, much later)
Snake: Otacon, I've found the house.
Otacon: Wow. How?
Snake: It has the birthday balloons outside.
Otacon: A sure giveaway. Before you go Snake, just remember "the sound of one tree clapping in the woods."
Snake: What in the hell does that mean?
Otacon: I dunno. Chinese Proverb.
Snake: Okay, I'm gonna sneak up to the window and see what's going on.
(He does so. Looking in, he sees a party of six-year-olds playing pass the parcel)
Otacon: Maybe you've got the wrong house, Snake.
Snake: Sure I have. That's just what those damn Patriots want us to believe.
Otacon: Are you sure about this?
Snake: Oh yeah. I'm going in.
SCENE 4: KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
(Snake smashes through the window and does a commando roll into the middle of the room. He does a judo throw on a six-year-old and shoots the dad with a tranquilliser dart. He goes limp and falls face first into the birthday cake)
Snake: EVERYONE DOWN ON THE FLOOR!
(The kids shake with fear. Crying can be heard from all around)
Snake: I SAID DOWN ON THE GROUND! DO YOU WANT TO DIE, YOU PSYCHOTIC MIDGET BASTARDS?
Otacon: I really think you've got the wrong house, Snake.
Snake: Trust me, Otacon. They're the Patriots' midget ninja. Give them an inch and they'll have your left testicle off in two seconds.
Kid With Birthday Hat On: Why are you doing this? Mommy!
Snake: You better start giving me some answers you little shit! Who's your boss?
Otacon: For God's sake, Snake! They're just kids!
Snake: Fine. But I'll be back.
(He leaves)
Birthday Kid: Fool. He nearly had us then.
(Everyone unmasks. They are the Patriots' infamous Midget Ninja.)
SCENE 5: OUTSIDE SOLIDUS'S HOUSE
Snake: I'm there.
Otacon: Okay. According to the building foundations the best way in unnoticed is through the top left bedroom window.
Snake: So I should just climb up the ivy?
Otacon: Yeah sure, whatever.
(Snake sighs and climbs up the ivy to the top bedroom window. Party music blares from within)
Snake: I bet the vodka is flowing freely down there already.
(Snake reaches the window and climbs silently through it)
SCENE 6: SOLIDUS'S BEDROOM
Snake: I'm in, Otacon.
Otacon: Er, Snake...
(Liquid Snake is on the bed with Vamp. They are performing sick sexual rituals with one another)
Liquid: Ow! The leather's too tight!
Vamp: I love your sexy English accent.
Liquid: Yes. Now, it's time for...GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!
Vamp: Already? It's only seven-thirty!
Otacon: I've equipped you with another digital camera by the way, Snake.
Snake: Shut up, Otacon.
SCENE 7: OUTSIDE THE DANCE ROOM
Snake: Well, the insulting note is definitely out of the question. Now for the beer.
Otacon: It should be just across the hallway, in the kitchen.
Snake: Right.
(Snake crosses the hallway towards the kitchen. Suddenly, Solidus can be heard in the main room...)
Solidus: My friends! Thank you for all coming!
(Snake puts his head round the door.)
Solidus: Unfortunately, the Gurlukovich Army has drunk all of the beer in here.
All: Damn Russians!
Solidus: But I've hidden more in the kitchen, and I've sent a Genome Soldier to get it.
All: Hurray!
Solidus: We're all here, of course, to celebrate my big six-oh!
All: Hurray!
Solidus: But before we cut the cake, I have a few words to say about world domination.
All: Boo!
Solidus: Fine, bring in the cake and vodka.
All: Hurray!
Solidus: A toast, to our mutual friend Snake, who could not be here tonight because... I didn't invite him! Muhahahahaha!
All: (laugh evilly) To Snake!
Snake: Grrr...
Otacon: Don't let them rile you, Snake. We still have a job to do, remember.
Snake: Fine. Which way to the kitchen?
SCENE 8: THE KITCHEN
Snake: I guess the alcohol must be around here somewhere.
Otacon: Start looking, Snake. Solidus could have hidden it anywhere.
Snake: No shit.
Genome soldier: Hold it right there!
Snake: Fuck off, I'm busy.
Genome Soldier: Okay.
Otacon: They're just not trying anymore, are they?
Genome Soldiers: Hold it right there!
Snake: Damn it. One Genome Soldier is easy to handle, but you can't let him raise the alarm. Together, they're quite deadly.
Otacon: Wow. That's quite insightful, Snake.
Snake: I read it in a strategy guide.
SCENE 9: THE DANCE ROOM
(Snake is dragged in by the Genome Army and tied to the wall)
Solidus: Well well well, Snake, it seems you could join us after all. And you're just in time for the party games. The first one is called...pin the tail on the Snake! Muhahahahah!
(Revolver Ocelot stumbles forward holding a very sharp pin. He is clearly plastered.)
Solidus: Your go first, Shalashaska.
(Ocelot makes a feeble attempt at sticking the pin in Snake. He misses by about five feet.)
Solidus: Grr... what are you doing?
Ocelot: I am Shala-lalassh...haska...also called Re...Volvo...(he passes unconscious)
Solidus: Genome Army, please?
(Genome Army walk forward. Unfortunately, they can't see more than three inches in front of their face. They look everywhere for Snake, but can't find him. Eventually they impale each other's eyes one by one with their pins before rolling around in pain)
Solidus: Pathetic!
Snake: Looks like you didn't think this through, Solidus.
Solidus: Shut up, Snake! Don't make me read Metal Gear Cronicles to you again!
Pablosky: WAITAMINUTE!
All: Hahahahah!
(MGS S.Snake runs out crying)
Shade Wolf: You are so banned, Pablo.
Otacon: Looks like anyone could get an invitation to this party, Snake.
Snake: Shut up, Otacon. I'm trying to loosen these knots a little...
Solidus: It's no use, Snake. You're finished!
(Solidus pries a pin from a Genome's dead hand)
Snake: Look! A Patriot!
Solidus: Where?
(Snake slips from his bonds and makes for the beer keg)
Solidus: Where'd he go? Damn the Patriots! Stop him!
(Raiden stands in Snake's way)
Raiden: I'm sorry, Snake, but I can't let you past.
Snake: Okay, I give in...NYAH! (kicks Raiden in the groin)
Raiden: That kinda hurt.
Snake: I forgot. No testicles.
Otacon: Snake, to defeat Raiden you must take full advantage of one of his weaknesses.
Snake: Okay, which one?
Otacon: I dunno.
Snake: (Sigh) Take that!
(Pulls at Raiden's hair)
Raiden: Ow! That really hurt!
(Snake reaches the beer keg.)
Snake (wipes hand on pants): Urgh, transsexual hair. Okay, Otacon, what do I do now?
Otacon: Pick it up and carry it outside, dumbass.
Snake: Okey-dokey, shouldn't be too difficult...
Ocelot: Gimme some! Don't hog the beer!
Snake: Here you go... HYAH! (throws beer in his eyes)
Ocelot: Ow! I've got beer in my eyes!
Otacon: Now he's rendered helpless, you can sneak away with the be... Snake, what are you doing?
Snake: I nuhno. Cattle prodding him?
Ocelot: THE PAIN! WHY THE PAIN!
Otacon: You wanna, er, sneak away now Snake?
Snake: I'll just be a minute.
Ocelot: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
SCENE 10: OUTSIDE SOLIDUS'S HOUSE
Snake: Now we're home and dry.
Otacon: Yeah...WHAT THE FUCK?
(Solidus appears driving a Metal Gear RAY)
Solidus: Time to die, brother!
Snake: Okay, whatever.
(Throws the cattle prod at Solidus. RAY explodes, taking Solidus's house with it)
Otacon: Where did you get that damn prod?
Snake: Found it on Solidus's bed. Liquid wasn't using it.
Otacon: I shouldn't have asked. Well, what sort of beer did we get?
Snake: Well it's...NOOO!
Otacon: What? Surely not...?
Snake: Yes! Damn Kanterbrau! And it's gone tepid!
Sam Fisher: Hey! Give me some of that!
THE END